I am suspecting my H of internet porn. I am never alone with his laptop long enough to check the history. Although, I believe he has a program set up to erase his history and cookies, etc. after logging off the internet each time. However, we have (say in the last year) been receiving spam emails from questionable sites. At first, they seemed like viagra ads. Recently, the spam has been more pornographic such as ...

ConcettaMcneilWG U will discover your girlfriend's lust that was disguised!

danika quidley I will let u watch me taking a shower:) at (email not given here)

Should I be concerned or is this normal spam? As I said it has come only recently.

btw these emails are not going into our spam filter folder. They are coming in directly to our inbox. dunno if that makes any difference or not to validate a porn claim.

I get emails like that at the email address I use for junk mail (basically I use it whenever a company requires my email address like if I order something online) and I have never gone to a porn site or ordered anything remotely pornographic! I think that could just be regular spam.

you can register your email address as one where those types of emails are not permitted because there could be a child who could see the email-- regardless of if it is regular spam or from his clicking you don't need to be reading it, or having it in your email. I think you google kid registry? I am trying to remember how I did it.
If there is porn on your computer I think there are two things going on-- one it doesn't just show up, especially if it is more than one site. Two, he wants to get caught. I know when brothers or bf's of mine in the past had porn problems and didn't want to be caught they deleted the history. (which is also very telling because someone with nothing to hide doesn't delete the cache, why bother?) but if it is still on there, they were wanting help and wanting to get caught. If he is gaurding his laptop from you, I would be concerned as well, because again, if there is nothing to hide...

Thank you both for your input. I at first thought that it was nothing. However, the increasing amounts from several sites as well as the more graphic nature have made me suspicious. I will try to log on to his computer and check the history. I hate being suspicious, but.....

it's better to know. I suspected my dh of pornography not long after we got married, I would check his laptop every day, I would go into his emails to read them, go through his cell phone I even did reverse number lookup on all the numbers on the phone bill I didn't know. I felt like I was going crazy but I knew something was wrong. I didn't find anything in my snooping. So I told myself well I'm just distrustful and nuts. 2 years later I found out he had an addiction with masturbation and fantasy...he no longer looked at pornography but would use his own fantasies. He was checked out I felt it...yeah sometimes I guess it is paranoiah but I think that if I found out my husband felt I was checking out of the marriage and looking into my emails, my phone etc. I would be concerned, not that he looked, but that I had done something or not been doing things that would make him feel uncertain in our marriage. I wouldn't be upset with him, I would want to know what I needed to do to be there for him. I think when the defenses go up it is a red flag for sure. I used to find things on my bro. computer or our family computer--I would do a search all for the word pornography-- I got one of my brothers some much needed help because of that. There was just something off you know?
Do the search--and let me know how it goes. I know it sucks--I hate being in that place, but it is better to know. sometimes it doesn't feel that way--but it is...

I was not able to find any evidence as well. However, one of my H closest friends revealed to me that my H asked him to be an acountability partner for internet porn. My H told his friend to ask him everyday if he went to any sites. That only lasted a few days until my H totally shut down conversation on the subject. This was about three years ago around the same time my H got reported to DCFS for having sexual relations with a teenage girl in the youth group at our church. The charges were dismissed because the teen was a known liar. H has confessed that he has been lying to me as well (after I gave him the Love Busters book to read). H refuses to be completely honest even after admitting his problem. Now I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

There is a valid reason to clear the internet cache. A windoze PC will get bogged down and slow your PC rather quickly with temporary internet files, cookies, and the like.

I'm not saying that it isn't also used to hide things, but clearing the cache is also done by folks without anything to hide.

I caught my husband with porn, and then had a company keep track of what is logged on that computer. I did catch him again, but at least I controlled finding out. It is a program he can't see in the computer, and that you can see the websites he visited from another computer. The only time you have to be on the laptop is to load the program which doesn't take long.

http://www.awarenesstech.com/Monito...e=1&gclid=CPDF78Gzp5MCFQE0xgod1XOeoQ

It is worth it!

WOW...'caught' and 'controlled him' in the same sentence with the word marriage..

Wow...I'd love to see behind the scenes...but he uses his work computer and hotmail.

It sucks to not trust and know you're being lied to.

Have you talked with him about it? If it is an issue for you, maybe he would share the problem.

There is no steadfast tool to watch all of his dealings, but you can install a keylogger on his laptop at home. You can also ask him to be open and honest with you about what he does with his hotmail account. Do you know his password? If not, ask for it. There should really be no secrets between you two.

HTM

Hey, all...I'm replying to Teagan and those of you on this thread with your concerns.

Ask yourself...do I want to parent or partner in this issue?

If you want to partner, help your spouses to protect themselves from their addiction (be it fantasies in their minds, porn on the computer, under your mattress, in his sock drawer, or affairs).

You can pay for and install an internet porn blocker. There are several...some really impact your interent browsing speed; others do not. I use cyberpatrol...and I don't notice the speed change but my YS did and complained.

Oh, and this helps with teenaged boys, too.

You can also check those places for physical porn--hidden movies, magazines...you know the things. Also, don't discount stories, 'k? Lots of typewritten pages...might be his secret historic novel which will be a blockbuster...or it might be porn.

Partnering involves asking to know, not to condemn, punish or shame. Porn addiction is NOT the root...shame and secrets are. Don't spend all your time going after the evidence of the symptom, 'k? That's more like parenting (IME) than partnering.

Know that your H is not doing this to hurt you...to attack you. Know that what we hide from our partners attacks our marriages.

If you believe he may have created secret email accounts, go with a keylogger for home computers. Work laptops are out of bounds because keyloggers do just that--they log every keystroke--how hackers can steal your info, your identity--computer can't tell the difference.

So do your research...I installed one and told my H I did, to help protect our marriage and his addiction. (He is the one who owned he was a sex addict and wanted to break the addiction.)

I didn't control a thing...many ways to get his fix without my knowledge because he's not in my control...can't be. I chose to go to Alanon, learn my power, responsibility and limits...and why I was very much attracted to an addict. Then I owned my addiction to HIM.

See, we can actually use an addicts repetitive patterns and choices in false payoffs for ourselves. They aren't the problem, they have one. And we, as their partners, do as well.

Underneath, very much same problem...we keep our control secret from ourselves...call it sacrifice, pleasing, overly generous...too many labels to list. We want THEM to get to the bottom of their issues...and don't go to our bottom, in us.

Takes both...which is why partnering flourishes your marriage and parenting will break it to pieces.

Parenting includes repeating his words back to him "You said this and then you did this"; shame attacks; guilt trips; punishments (which we think of as boundary enforcements but are reactive, not predetermined or progressive..tough to tell the difference); we escalate, they escalate; we try to reward them for their abstinence from their addiction and punish them when they do it; we speak, act and believe disrespectful thoughts and make disrespectful judgments...okay, maybe that doesn't example the parenting aspect (IME it does!)...

Think of all the ways you parent...and then hear the way you communicate with your partner. One is about control and manipulation (oh, for a great cause...so you can grow up and be a decent human being)...the other is about knowing your partner IS an adult, makes his own choices all the time, inherently, for his own reasons, coming from his own stuff, not yours.

And you do the same. That's reality. You can't be the cause, control or cure for anyone else...and in marriage, we are allowed a lot of influence by our partners, so we sure can experience it like we can be those things. We cannot.

Human limits. We all gottem. Just like our inherent human power. That's our freedom. Respect they do and don't do. Doesn't say a darn thing about you--you can either be on your team marriage, enemy of his addiction and your own...or you can make your H's choices your enemy.

I've done it both ways...gotta tell you, I suffered more and suffer still when I focus on what I cannot control...and don't act from what only I do.

(Big kudos to cj7 and snooping, not discounting intuition, and searching for The Truth of actions and not going to fixing HIS truth--his intent, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions.)

My DH is now 1.5 years sober from his SA. Doesn't mean it's done forever...means that he's shown himself he can because he never really wanted it in the first place. Difference between a coping skill and a living one.

And yes, I still protect my marital boundaries with these devices as an act of love for my DH.

LA