Having any contact at all is very dangerous. I would ask him to write her a no contact letter, and you approve and mail.

Harley advice -

"My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."

No where to mail it to. A Text? But then H and ow will think thats pretty weird considering its all supposed to be finished with already.

H is tired of it being brought up over and over and feels our issues happened long before OW. (he is right) and that isn't that where we should be concentrating our efforts.

The reason it is hot topic at work is that people finally caught on,after it was all finished with.

She doesn't have email or an address?

H doesn't know her address as she was living with a boyfriend. They closed down the e-mail accounts they were using to communicate as a thoughtful gesture(sarcastic tone) to me.

A friend couldn't deliver it?

I'm really concerned about the contact.

Can you move away?

I wouldn't send a text or an email, I think it opens up the lines of communication. Texts and emails are easy to respond to. If a letter is sent, whether its to home, work or somewhere else that she can receive it, it'll be a lot more difficult for her to send anything back. There must be some other way...

For the books:-

Libraries have them - go take a look.
Any bookshop will order it in for you.
Try Koorong - in all capital cities and some regional areas.

Easy to pick up. Essential to be educated.

What is your H doing to fall in love again? Feelings follow ACTIONS.

He shouldn't be going out to bars at night either.

Believer-I felt concerned about the contact (Though it will be minimal) H had reassured me to a point that i felt okay with it.
That he realises what could have happened. How sick and worried it has made him (and me.) DD12 also knows and H is sad about letting her down too.
My guts tell me to trust H (with wariness still) who has never lied to me in 14 years.
Reading on here makes me worry. Am i being a fool?

Moving away financially is not an option in any way shape or form. Even if it was, My H loves his job and is surer about that than he is about me. DD12 DS10 AND DS7 would also have something to say.

I did initially suggest i may need to emigrate back to Britain if things don't work.(My family are there) H knows this and has been feeling pressured into fixing us, so i wont take his children away as he never wants to go back there. We have discussed it since, with me not promising but saying it is unlikely i would.

H is adamant about his job. It is after all the one thing he has that is safe and secure.
Like i said though. Moving is financially impossible.

Ilovemyhusband- I agree. I don't want to risk responses from her. Though i have texted her myself and have H's phone. Which he relinquished, other than when he goes out to pub. (not often).

Oh hello B.kahuna. Never checked post once i sent it so didn't see your response.
I got His needs her needs off ebay and 5 steps to romantic love.

Bah. Posted long reply and lost all but above.


To cut it short. I filled in and got H to fill in Emotional needs Q'S. H No1Honesty and openness(ironic)
No2 Attractive spouse.
No3 Family comm
No4 conversation
No5 SF
Mine were
No1 Affection
No2Honesty and openness
No3Family comm
No4Conversation
No5 SF
Similar answers could reflect on why our relationship was damn near perfect for 12 years.
Affection, he feels i push on him too much at moment everything else is perfect he reckons.

Well i suppose it is the last 2 months but he wont comment on before that. I was obviously unhappy with recent lies and want more affection. (He is trying)
Love Busters is next, but H is dragging his feet as he thinks all this is crap.

Working on cutting down pub visits. Work have lots of nights out. H doesn't even go to half of them but i would like to go to some. Hard with no family to babysit as 4 kids put sitters off.
H told me 2 weeks ago i was being to demanding for sex and it was feeling weird. I backed off and now he has left me alone once in 9 nights. Confusing.
Since i said lets just take things slow and have fun. Don't try and force feelings that aren't there. We have nowhere else better to be.
He seems more relaxed and is even sleeping better(that might be herbal tablets though)

H going out AGAIN tonight and she will be there.
Argued about it. H said he wont speak much to her.
I do trust him not to do anything, but i don't see why i should have to suffer at home wondering if he is TRYING not to feel attracted to her (or whatever) because it is the right thing to do.
H is angry that this has all happened and is sick of hearing about it when he didn't really DO anything. Says he is not angry at ME but i can feel how pissed he is. Yet another night of wondering what will happen.

When i try to say that this isn't any good he says he wont go, but then he sits in angry.

When i tell him about the advice i receive, he thinks its crap and i am being brainwashed.

I look at the recovery threads and wonder if i will ever get to a point where i can post there. Tired of trying so hard and wondering how to make the rest of my life change. Easy to say 'just do it' but doing it is harder.

Have booked in to a self esteem course when it comes up(soon i hope) Maybe that will help.

This is an update.
I am trying to only listen to myself when i am having a good day.
On my bad days i block my ears to that nasty little voice inside who tells me how hopeless things are.
That voice comes less and less each week.
When i am happy things are good and i am strong. The happier i feel,the happier i act, the happier my H is. Kids too.

Not quite 4 months since D day and i finally feel that H and i are weaving back bonds. Between us and our children.

I would love to say i know things will be fine and H loves me deeply again, but i realise now, that this weaving is going to be a steady process and not until we have a tightly woven, bridge will we be able to say we are a loving couple.

It is almost like starting again, but with the mortgage and kids already.
Doesn't make it easy and that is why (when it only took a few heady months to fall in love the first time) it will take an awful lot longer this time.

Now when we have an awkward unhappy moment we rebound quicker from it. I am cautious. I don't want to post in Recovery until i am sure. I am nearly sure.

I nearly lost myself, and no matter what the outcome is, i know now who i want to be. That part will take work. You don't become a butterfly overnight.

Glad you came and posted an update. By all means at least read on recovery. Because recovery brings a whole new set of trials. In fact, why not post here and there too?

I have to admit Believer, that i visit Recovery regularly.
It kind of feels like not letting myself have that cup of hot chocolate until i have done all the ironing and vacuuming etc.

I think i might try it though. After all if i go there in 2 years, i hopefully wouldn't have much to say.

Now i feel like i have gotten somewhere, i actually feel quite chatty about the whole thing. Weird?