Four years ago I found this forum after learning that my husband was having an email affair with a co-worker. This forum was my only saving grace, I'm hoping it can help me again. After I found out and confronted him, with a copy of the email in hand, he quit his job, broke off contact and we moved to a different state (not because of the affair). Things seemed to be getting back to where they were "before". Sometimes I would get "that feeling", but overall, I tried to ignore it. Then a string of signs began to appear:

-Last year I found two barrettes in our car; they weren't mine but hubby strongly denied any wrong doing and insisted they were indeed mine and I was "going crazy".
-He began to delete all the emails in his Trash folder
-He deleted all the calls on his cell and since it's a Go Phone, the calls can't be tracked
-He began coming home later from work. This one was hard to catch because he's restaurant manager and often works late nights, but suddenly he wasn't coming home until 2/3am instead of the usual 12:30/1am. And he always has an excuse I can't argue with.
-His attitude is unpredictable. One day he brings home roses, the next he's snapping at me and starting fights.
-His interest in sex is also unpredictable. For about 1-2 weeks per month he can't keep his hands off, the rest of the month he wants nothing to do with me.
-On his days off he finds every excuse to spends hours, sometimes the whole day, away from home.

It's obvious that if anything is going on, he's hiding it pretty well. And I admit, on some level I just don't want to know. The signs are all there, but I have no evidence to back my suspision. And as he proved with the barrettes, he'll just lie anyway. So what's the point? I'm tired of the constant wondering and nagging feelings, but what can I do? If he's indeed having an affair it's with another co-worker and I would have no way of proving it.

I'm sorry this was so long, I just had to rant. I can't say this made me feel better, but maybe someone would be kind enough to tell me I'm not imagining my gut feelings and what I should do if anything. Thanks for listening.

Sounds like an affair to me. There is really no other explanation.

You could put a GPS in his car and find out where he is spending his time.

Are you planning to stay with him if it turns out to be affair #2?

I think that's why I don't want to know. If there's a confirmed affair, I don't think I can work through it again. I love my husband so much that thought of divorce kills me, but the 1st "known" affair hardened a part of my heart I'll never get back. I guess there's a reason ignorance is bliss, I'm just not ignorant enough.

Sorry you're suspecting, but two things: Hide a voice-activated recorder in his car - maybe velcro it under his seat. And buy a keylogger online and load it onto the computer; it will record all his keystrokes, whether he deletes them or not, AND you can buy one that emails you a recap of activity to your computer if you want.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm thinking about the keylogger, I just found out he has a new email address. But he hasn't checked it since March. Luckily his passwords are predictable, as far as he knows I don't know/remember the passwords for any of his accounts. All the same I don't have warm fuzzies knowing he has an account he never told me about. The only obstacle with the keylogger is he rarely uses our home computer to send and receive emails, he does it all at work. Where would one find a voice activated recorder?

The nearest Radio Shack would be a good place to start.

If you can't find one, an MP3 player with mic recording capabilities might work. I use a Creative Zen - it actually works better than the Olympus digital recorder I had previously.

Given the list of suspicious behaviors you posted, I really don't think you need any further evidence.

There's almost no doubt he's doing something inappropriate. I'd give him one chance to ADMIT to it. I don't mean one chance to give excuses, gaslight, blameshift, or whine about how unfair you are. One chance to admit to his inappropriate behavior, and I'd tell him so.

But that's just me. Good luck to you.

He WILL NOT admit it. YOU will have to CATCH him. THEN confront him....

NEVER SAY NEVER...that you'll NEVER forgive him...

One step at the time...

I talked to him this morning about my suspicions without being confrontational or even putting what I really wanted to ask into words. It seemed like a good time, he was in a good mood and he'd been asking me for days what was wrong. So I told him. I didn't detail this in my 1st post becuase I didn't want to be explicit, but...

Last week I had called him at work at about 1am, normally he would put me on speakerphone so he can continue working. This time, it sounded like the phone had been pushed off it's cradle as if he couldn't quite reach it. After fumbling for a minute he finally got on the phone. Odd, yes, but not what made me wonder.

During the conversation while I was talking he said "Okay, that's enough. Stop!" in a giggling whisper which I wasn't suppossed to hear. There is only one thing that has ever made him say those words in that way. And it's always after he's... and he's very sensitive.

When I mentioned this he immediately got defensive and asked what day this happened. I told him I didn't remember, I didn't want to give him the chance to give me an excuse. I said I wasn't asking to upset him, I just wanted him to make me feel better. Tell me that what I thought I heard was just my imagination. So he did. Our talk continued, but never once did he say "No" to my hypothetical questions of him being with another woman. He just kept telling me I was silly and imagining things, but his facial expressions told a completely different story. First he got a look of shock like 'OMG, how did she hear that?!?' And then came the tell-tale 'I'm lying' smile. My DD gets the same look when she tries to lie so I know it well.
I've spent all day analyzing this and trying to figure out what I should do next. I could try the tape recorder, but it'll be useless if the "inappropriate behavior" is happeing in his office. And to be honest, I feel kind of numb right now. I'm not angry, hurt or upset so I don't feel the need to prove anything. I know, he knows I know and somehow we've come to the point where I'm never going to get the truth unless he tells me himself, which he never will. So now what? Obivously this is someone he sees when he works so he's not likely to email her and she'd have no reason to call our home because he's at work more than he is home. I'm good and stuck knowing and not being able to do a darn thing!
I'm really sorry this was so long, that wasn't my intention. And again, thanks for listening, I'm sure my story's already been repeated a thousand times.

Hi Angel, It's not looking good is it? Would you be abel to afford a PI? If not go and do some snooping at the restaurant yourself? Try to catch him in the act so to say.

You're going to have to catch him, and you're going to have to know. You already know too much, you won't be able to let it go now.

You should stop by the restuarant late at night sometime. You might wait as the A might cool off for a bit due to your recent questioning, chances are though, it will resume.

Or, you could ask him to take a polygraph test.

I was about to ask the same thing. It looks like it's time for some real snooping. If not a PI, then a close trusted friend or relative. Also, you could show up unannounced one night.

BTW - if he's calling YOU while he's out on those late nights, he might just be checking to see if you're home - just something to think about if you decide to do your own snooping.

I wish I could afford a PI, but again it would be useless. The resaurant closes at 11pm and the doors are locked, and since his office is in the back near the kitchen no one would be able to see it anyway. I've thought about going and spying myself, but again, there's a catch. I would need someone to cover the front while I cover the back to see if anyone other than my husband leaves the building since he's supossed to be there alone. And even if I confronted him with that he'd come up with yet another excuse unless I actually witnessed them kissing or something. The only person I would trust to team up with would be the very person I would need to watch my kids while I spy. I'm not worried about him checking on me, it wouldn't be hard to say I fell asleep since I'm always up at 7:30am anyway. But I don't doubt he keeps calling to throw me off the scent, so to speak. Besides, the last thing I or my kids need is me freaking out and doing something stupid like on that show Snapped. The polygraph test sounds promising ... any ideas on where to get one for potential cheating spouses??? JK, he'd have a cow before he went near one anyway, but it's still a nice idea.

Angel, I wouldn't second-guess the techniques that a good PI might use to uncover what it is your H is actually doing.

BTW - if he's supposed to be their alone, all that might be required is to stake out the place to see if anyone leaves just before or with him before he leaves for the night.

So, are you going to assume he's guilty? It sounds like you have little choice.

If I were in your shoes, I'd lose it. Here are my ideas:

1. Threaten to out him at work, the same as you would if you had a video of him cheating...and be willing to follow through with your threat.

2. Offer the busboy money to give you the name of the slut your H is cheating with.

3. After the restaurant is closed, pay him a surprise visit. Walk right up to the front door and knock. Don't give him any warning. Then go inside and search the place for a hiding female.

4. I'd at least stake the place out...I'd sit outside in my car a long as it took. See if he comes out alone.

Keep in mind that you don't have to prove anything if you don't want...you're not in court. You can declare him guilty and proceed accordingly with no further evidence.

More than anything I want to be wrong. I want him to be innocent, but his actions and what I've heard aren't giving much room to doubt myself. I really can't afford a PI. I didn't think about the surprise visit though, that's a great idea and he'd be hard pressed to not let me in. And it's going to have to be me that stakes out the place. I'm afraid outing him wouldn't do much good. Affairs in that industry are sadly common and nothing more than gossip. Unless it affects his work, they'll turn a blind eye.

But I have another question. Do men tell their friends about affairs? I'm just curious because right now he's out with a friend of his and they've decided to stop at a bar next to his restaurant to watch a game that ended an hour ago. He called me a couple hours ago from his friend's cell, but when I tried calling a few minutes ago (twice) I couldn't get an answer. With everything that's going on I'm sure I'm jumping to conclusions on this one. It's just the thought of him even being near there when he's not working is driving me crazy.

Call the bar and have him paged. Tell them it's an emergency, then hang up when/if you hear his voice.

Yes, some men can't help but brag about their exploits to those they trust to keep a secret...the friend will lie to your face just like your H.

you KNOW you are not wrong here.
Get busy finding out the truth.
All it will take is you scoping out the place after closing. See who comes out either with him or right before him.
There's your proof.

you have already been through this once before. this time, he is going to need a TRUE dose of reality.

mlhb

Well, I just called the bar. What was a "stop to watch a little of the game" has turned into "I'll be home later, don't worry about me for dinner". I had a perfectly valid reason for calling, I'm not trying to be the nagging wife. He promised our daughter he would pick her up from school today because he's off. He rarely gets to spend time with the kids because of his schedule. Well, she got pretty mad at him when he broke his promise. He said he would talk to her when he got home, I asked when that would be and he skirted the question. I pressed him about dinner and that's when I got the response above. Now I'm starting to get angry. It's one thing what he's doing to me, it's a whole 'nother ball game when he hurts the kids.

Did it cross your mind that you DID NOT have a valid reason for calling? A man with a history of infidelity needs to be home with his family every night having dinner, not hanging out at a bar.

What's happened with the marriage? Seems like you guys have slipped back into some old patterns.

It takes PROTECTION of the marriage to maintain RECOVERY.

I'm certainly not condoning his ACTIONS.

Getting you prepared to take a look at things if you want to...


IT'S ALL BAD..have you forgotten the nature of a wayward?