To those who know my disfunctional life my stbx MIL approached me today and told me that she fears for my stbx's mental health. She said he goes between dispair and anger and he is going down a very bad path. She mentioned that he is no longer friends with xOM and my brother, our marriage is over, and xOM sister is gone. She says he has lost too much too fast. She says he is a very strong person but the double betrayal and all the losses he has suffered is too much for him and he needs professional help. She says ever since my pregnancy everyone seems to be moving on with their life and she wonders how we all could disgard H like that and move on so quickly.

So anyway she says she thinks I am the only person that can help him heal and I have not really tried to make ammends. I think she is wrong on her opinion but I did not say anything. She asked me to reach out to him and stay on him until he agrees to counseling. She says until he can forgive me and xOM for what we did his anger will consume him and he will not be able to be happy and move on with his life. She said some others things but that is the gist of the conversation.

Here is the thing when I am around him he can get very verbally abusive. He can get really nasty. He will call me a slut, whore, loser, liar, unfit mother. He even went as far as to tell me to give the baby to xOM to raise because I was a vengeful slut and would make a bad mother. He's mentioned adoption more than once even though he knows that is not an option. He really likes to get his digs in saying I am an unfit mother.

The point being I am not so sure it's a good idea that I am around him. The sight of me fuels his anger. Honestly I don't thing it's good for me to be around him either because he can get me so upset and that is not good for the baby.

I want to help H. I really do. His mom thinks I have some kind of influence over him that I could possibly help him. I just don't see how. I'm thinking it might do more harm than good if I get in his face about going to counseling.

What do you guys think?

No.

He has chosen divorce.

He has no reference point as to what forgiveness really is.

You never forgave him for his adultery and it led you down the same path.

Best advice...move far away and start over.

The wreckage of the past will be with you for the rest of your life, as will be your child to be, unless of course you should choose to make him/her yet another victim of "adult choices."

But at least away from the "scene of the crime" you have a chance to build a new future based, at least, on what NOT to do.

Good luck.

Brooke, I agree with FH.

As much as it hurts to hear and he is saying the things in a horrible way...much of what your H says is true. You WERE those things...and really, after sleeping with his best friend...being called those things comes with the territory.

Who you ARE moving forward is entirely your choice. While you cannot change the past...your future is open to all possibilities. You can continue down the horrid path that brought you to "Jerry Springer Land" or you can choose a more serene and Godly path. I have a feeling you will do just fine.

I personally DO think adoption is the best option for this child as based on the small amount that I know about you from these boards, I do worry about your ability to be a good mom. Also, this will give the child a good home and allow you to start fresh without involvement from your H or your affair partner.

Don't worry yourself about your MIL. She is soon to be your ex-MIL.

mkeverydaycnt, This part really touched me. What a wonderful thing to say and you put it so nicely.

Brooke,
I agree with the others, get away from this situation and concentrate on your child. You have apologized over and over to your BH and expressed remorse. Yes you did screw up but you shouldn't have to stand there and take emotional abuse. If you were going to work on the marriage then I would have different advice but you are ending the marriage so you need to move away from the drama. It is not healthy for any of the parties involved especially the baby.

I have been following your story from the start and you have been through a lot. I remember when you were trying to decide if you should tell your husband about the A. I can’t imagine how hard that was for you but it showed great strength to finally tell him the truth.

Tell her you will support him if he doesn't want to go through with the divorce. You're not going to support someone who wants nothing to do with you and verbally abuses you.

Hurtful choices on all sides here. Some valid questions in what she is saying. However, he too plays a part and she is not likely unbiased. She can suggest he get help.
She is not wrong, she simply has a different opinions. These are not right or wrong issues. Framing it the way you have sets up confrontation.
She is likely spot on about his anger. She can make a respectful request that you stay. However if he doesn't want to do that, then it would be disrespectful for you to try to force that issue.

All you can do is to ask for forgiveness, as well as forgive him of his sins. One cannot demand forgiveness. Also forgiveness is not a point in time, but a process. It comes slowly, not all at once.


At least you know how he feels, LOL. Not a nice way to say it. However, you know where he is. He is angry, and for good reason. Is this his usual pattern, or is this because of the very difficult circumstance?

Do you want to be married or not. Unilaterally taking something off the table is not marriage building. You may not want to be married to him. However, you cannot really criticize him for not wanting a reminder of your infidelity living with him.


There is something to be said that any parent who cannot keep his/her marriage vows is unfit to be a parent. I don't differ much from his opinion.

That doesn't mean they have to remain unfit, but a cheating spouse IS an unfit parent. That doesn't mean a spouse that cheated remains an unfit parent.

I understand. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around right now.

I don't think you should get in his face. I do think you might consider that the angry things he is saying are about the cheating Brooke. If that is no longer who you are, that you are a person growing and figuring out why you did such hurtful things and are taking whatever steps are needed to never make that mistake again, then he is angry with the past, not who you are or are becoming.

It doesn't make his response healthy. However, hopefully it will help you not to take his anger personally.

I don't know if you've validated what he has said. Told him that you have some understanding why he is angry, that you agree that the wayward parent is not a good parent, that someone who cannot keep their vows is not a good parent.

That doesn't mean that you have to be that unfit parent going forward. However, it may take a lot of the energy out of the situation if you agree with the premise, and keep in mind that your objective is to grow out of that wayward mindset, and be the kind of person that does make a good parent.

That may be without him in your life, or if both of you want to try to make it work it may be with him.

You can't force him, nor do I believe you should harangue him to try to seek help. I think you need to do your own work, encourage him to do the same, validate the reasons behind his anger, and do what it takes not to be that person.

There are real reasons behind his anger. He's not wrong to be angry. He may not be expressing it in a healthy fashion, and I'm sure it hurts.

However, he's angry at the person he perceives you to be. If you are not that person, then he's not angry at you.

So work to not be that person, or anything like that person.

I think it would be healthy for you to move away.

Your STBX is understandably angry and self-destructive and he is not yours to rescue.

Is your job transferable so that you can put some distance between him and you?

Brooke,


This is probably what I would do.

As far as your H current anger and aggression towards you, I think that it might benefit you and your unborn child to remove yourself from anything that is too stressful. I think that means interaction with him unless completely unavoidable.

Perhaps, over time, his anger will lessen and he will be able to be civil to you. Given that you have no children and your unborn child is not his, you may end up having no further contact with him once the D is final.

He has chosen to divorce you, right now it doesn't matter that you were willing to try and save your twice damaged marriage.

I may get hammered for saying this, but frankly, your future with a child that is not his, raised by a wife he is choosing to divorce for the same thing that he did, well it is NOHB.

Who

His foundation is gone. No loyalty. No trust. Probably feels very alone and abandoned as well. Reassessing priorities.

Very very tough spot, but it is his new reality.


Don't be around him.


He needs some consistency, trust, loyalty, predictability in his relationships.

If you are truly sorry, don't be too proud to say sorry many times. There are many ways to do this.

I really doubt your marriage is salvageable. It may have been possible without the pregnancy, but even then, it was going to be tough. Your H is going to have to heal without your help, its going to be tough on him, but there simply isn't much you can do to help. The destruction you wrought is going to plague you and him for a very long time I suspect.

He is divorcing you. Being around you doesn't help him, it hurts him. I think at some point you owe him a very meaningful apology (you owe it to him now, but I bet he's really incapable of hearing it now). Right now, your primary concern should be to plan the future well being of the child. I don't think that you can ever expect that child to have a normal life living in close proximity to all these people you, your H, and OM have hurt. I really think you should consider adoption, but if you are unwilling to do that, then I think your next best step is to move away. Running away isn't going to solve YOUR problems, but they will give your child a chance to begin life without being a ******* child of adultery. I'm really sorry for how brutal that sounds, I question whether I should even say it, but if you stay there, that is almost certainly going to come out. You child is going to learn what happened at a much earlier age than is healthy, and as mean as kids can be, I don't think you should risk that. This is the type of thing that could have serious consequences on a young child and set a very sad course for its life and development. I think that being willing to raise a child in that environment really would call into question your suitability as a parent, which I think is a legitimate concern regardless.

Brooke,

I'm going to take a different approach. I actually do think that helping your ex heal could be a healthy part of your compensation for the affair, and your personal journey as long as....you aren't in harm's way. Moving away is a good choice. Staying clear of any face to face confrontations is advised and I hope you will avoid that at all cost. Phone calls can be twisted in the retelling.

However, there is no reason, that you can't encourage him from afar (and from a safe place) by writing to him. Writing is a good record of your contact, and a safe way of letting him know that you aren't just "moving on" and haven't escaped the effects of the "fallout". Don't make excuses, but it's okay to continue to say how sorry you are and express your sincere hope that he might get a support system in place to help him weather this terrible storm.

Everyone here thinks there isn't any hope for your marriage, and that you've hurt him so badly, you should just disappear. However, his reaction is the reaction of someone who is still in love with you and is stuck in his anger. Whether he's too harmed to ever forgive you, he probably has self hate that he isn't expressing because he knows he started this downward turn.

If he remains abusive and rejects any attempts (and he might).....send a letter to his mother with a copy of your attemtps and his response if he offers one. I think if you are strong enough, and he is at all receptive....it's worth a try. I will pray for you both.

tyk,

Not even my stbx as angry as he is has referred to this child as a *******. Your right you should not have said it. Everyone else was able to make the same point you did about adoption and moving without using such a disgusting word about an innocent baby. I would appreciate it if you did not post to me anymore.

For everyone else thank you for the responses. I have seriously considered moving though no where near as far as some of you have in mind. I live in a big city and I have been looking for a house to buy closer to my parents. I will be at one end of the city and H will be at the other. I really need my family and so does my baby.

I know this won't be popular but I also have xOM to consider. He does have legal rights. Even though he is very unhappy about this pregnancy he does plan to be involved and I can see him giving me a lot of grief if I moved out of the city. He is a very skilled lawyer and can afford a long drawn out custody battle. I don't forsee that happening but I will have to pick my battles with him should there be any. This is not one I will fight.

star*fish,

I think your idea is a very good one. I think I will write him a letter. Maybe I can help him from a distance.

Brooke

Brook, I did not say what I said out of anger, or meanness. I hope someone isn't imagining that those ***** are an expletive, because they aren't. I don't know why the word that describes a child born out of wedlock is censored on this forum, but apparently it is. I feel neither anger nor meaness for you. I feel sorry for you, your H, and your unborn child. I said it because those thoughts are what are going to haunt your child should you choose to stay there, among the people that know. I said what I said because when I imagine your childs life, and comprehend your child's origins, it really is pretty much impossible NOT to be conscious of those things. Your H may not have said it, but he thinks it, I'd bet everything I owned on it. I don't blame your innocent child at all for its circumstance, I just think that staying where you are now is going to risk exposing your child to your mistakes in a very damaging way very early in its life.

I will probably not post to you anymore Brooke, but I felt I should try to explain.

Hi Brooke,

I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I know what it's like to make bad, life-altering choices, so I do feel for you...

I wanted to say I also think star*fish's idea about writing to your BH is a good one. I always think letters compel attention - if you sit down and take the time to write a letter to him, odds are that he will read it, if only out of curiosity. And a letter allows you to choose your words and make your points without interruptions, and without being sidetracked. And when he reads it, he won't have anyone to vent on, and won't be able to help but think about what you said.

I think that helping him heal from the hurts you caused will help you both as you go through this painful time.

Good luck.

Brooke,

I have curtailed my MB reading and I don't think I've posted to anyone in over a month. However, I try to keep up with a few threads occassionally, like yours, that I was concerned about. I don't think I've ever posted to you, but your "lash out" at Tyk has prompted me.

Quite frankly, there is nothing in Tyk's response to you that wasn't "spot on". Its too bad you were offended by the "truth".

Initially, I had a lot of compassion for your situation, and admiration for how you were trying to change and "do the right thing", but no more. Possibly Tyk (as a BS himself) senses in you, as do I, that you are still "wayward" and very "selfish", and continue to only think of yourself.

I've only been acquainted with MB for 9 months or so, but in that time, your waywardness has managed to do more damage to more relationships than anyone else on these forums. IMHO, there are different levels of betrayal, and yours has been the worst and most egregious.

You have no standing to chastise Tyk for pointing out the "obvious" consequences of your behavior. You could learn a lot from Tyk about just how resilient a BS can be when faced with overwhelming heartbreak, combined with long term life altering complications, comparable to what your BH is facing now.

You can't "put the toothpaste back into the tube" ... you've made a mess of things ... what you do now will define the type of person you will be from here forward, and at this point, I'm not very optomistic that you have the character for the amount of apologies and "just compensation" necessary to even start the healing process.

MyRev, you're being a little harsh, aren't you? From what I could tell, the only thing Brooke was objecting to was the ugly words used to describe her unborn baby.

Sheesh... a little tact can go a long way toward communicating a message, you know?

I heartily second this sentiment. If the innocent child is subjected to cruelty for something he/she had no control over, it will come predominently from narrow minded, mean spirited, judgmental folks or their offspring.

I haven't seen anything here that indicated to me that Brooke will be an unfit parent simply because she has made several seriously bad decisions up to this point.

She can learn and grow from this experience. While I feel sorry for her BH and understand the pain of the BS, even he has no right to belittle the unborn child.

Who

Differences in perspective I suppose ... you see ugly words, and I saw a "still wayward" objecting to the accurate description of the consequences of her own actions. IMHO, this place could use a little more "straight" talk, which plays a large part in why I don't come around here much anymore.

IMO, Tyk is one of the VERY BEST posters here ... he has much wisdom and the ability to express his message in clear terms, while tempering it with compassion, which I admittedly lack at times. I will also admit to being an "angry" BH at this point, and seeing a WW unfairly criticize another BH that I respect prompted me to respond for my own purposes, even though Tyk doesn't need me to defend him.

I know I won't make any friends by this comment, but the word that Tyk used is not an ugly word. It's the process of having a child out of wedlock that is ugly and carries the stigma, not the word. The word is what it is, and describes exactly what he is referring to. The word "retarded" is the same way. People grew offended to the word because there was a negative connotation that went along with the word, so they tried calling it different words like "challenged" and "special," but you just can't get away from the stigma, because the stigma is attached to the condition, not the word. A bi--- is a female dog, a idiot is someone with a low IQ, and a ba----- is a child born out of wedlock. It is what it is. The b word is not a name, but rather a description.