My husband and me are drifting...I feel as though we are roomates. I don't have that spark in my heart like I use to. We have not had intimacy for 7 months. There have been changes this year I quit drinking he did not; just like I quit smoking he did not(smokefree for 10 yrs now). Am wondering if I should stay or get out of this marriage? I am seeing a counselor for
emotional balance and other stuff. She says that I should not do anything drastic like leave with these new changes. But why do I feel so lonely, lost, and confused?

How much time do you and your husband spend alone together? Have you read the Basic Concepts on this website yet?

Thanks Snugglefresh for responding

Most of the time we are in front of the TV or on the computer. His job is physical and he has told me he is spent after 8 hours
or more (I understand that). But he self medicates through alcohol (has motivation for that).He is not one to get involved with any kind of help in marriage counseling. When I ask him lets go do this like a movie he is like no but when it comes to his hunting and fishing yes. I have read a little about the basic concepts. I feel more like a roomate who works comes home and cooks and cleans not a wife. I am really tired of his drinking and smoking (which I know I cannot control). No support there even though I quit all that. I like to go to church, for walks and picnics but he does not want to do any of that. I like to work out and keep healthy. I am very blue and lonely. About a year ago I went and saw an attorney to see about options for a divorce. I am fearful of the financial aspects but that is part
of it.

RLR,

I wanted to welcome you to MB and make a suggestion to you about posting on the Emotional Needs board too. The topic of your thread will fit in very well with discussions there and it has much higher traffic. Whether your H is onboard or not with marriage building....I encourage you to use some the strategies here before giving up on your marriage. There is a lot you can do to improve compatibility.

You can repost, or I can actually move the thread for you.

Thank you for the suggestion sycamore. Please redirect my thread
as I am not sure how. Thank you.

Here you go, as well as a bump for attention. Please keep posting and filling in details.

The first thing you need to do is read the material here about a good marriage. Many, many people here are doing this on their own - no support from the spouse. It will tell you that you have to eliminate your Love Busters - things you do that irritate him. Then you have to start seeing to his Emotional Needs. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it makes a difference. It will make you feel better, and it will make him happier. From there, you can move on to other changes you can make. But do that first - read!

catperson thanks for the suggestions will try and do. Again thank you for the support.

You're lost, lonely, and confused because you're not having your EN met. It's hard, but you need to tough it out on your own. Don't go looking for a shoulder to cry on and find yourself in an emotional affair. It's EASY to do when you're hurting.

I have recently been in your shoes. My husband self medicates with alcohol too. It is a major LB and no amount of diamonds or foot rubs will cover that. You must set limits and stick by them. My personal limit is three drinks a night (and none before I get home) or he has to leave. No buts. I have already talked to the police and know what to do if I decide to have him physically removed. I also keep my purse and keys by the door if I decide it's easier for me to leave. THAT's how far you have to take it. You have to be serious and not wimp out. He may be in control of the bottle, but you're in control over your actions.

Then, once the alcohol LB is gone, you can work on your marriage... which starts with spending time together. I know. It sucks. How can you spend quality time with him when you can hardly stand to be in the same room? It's not easy, but it can be done.

Your counselor may be right, you need to take it easy for awhile since you've recently made all these changes. I'd take the time to focus on yourself, building yourself up. Then, tackle his alcohol problems when you're ready... cause it's gonna be rough. Rest up.

If your H is an alcoholic you might consider seeking help for yourself through AlAnon. There are a few people who post here regularly who have made great progress through that organization.

Big congratulations to you on the changes you've made in yourself. You truly can only control your own actions. I do think that setting boundaries for yourself is important. The second phase is to develop strategies for enforcing those boundaries when faced with situations that require it.

Thanks for responding KLD. I have been to AA and Alanon meetings; I quit going because I was tired of my H accusing me of seeing someone; again not supportive. When I did go to meetings and come home he would drill me about the meetins plus be more intoxicated. I just would not even bother trying to explain because it would lead to an argument or saying hurtful things to each other. I thought about going again because it did make me feel better. I do recall from Alanon that you cannot control, cause, or cure an alcoholic they have to want to on there own. The other is some people would stay in the marriages for twenty some years praying and hoping things would change and they did not. Then I think do I really want got through that long of time in coming to realize it won't change?

You limit your H to 3 drinks and he follows through or yourself?
I myself cannot drink at all as it was a way for me to wash all my emotions away did not want to feel anything but be numb plus I would stay secluded no outside activities.Only myself to blame.
My H would not leave. He would make sure it would be me to leave he is very manipulative. I really do not think he is going to quit drinking I think that LB will always be there. Exactly right with not wanting to spend quality time or be in the same room. Am trying but not easy.

Exactly why you need to go back. An easy boundary to build back up and reinforce. Next meeting, tell him you are going. Invite him to come. He'll refuse, of course, so go alone. When you get back, tell him that you won't engage in an argument about how you spent your time and that he's welcome to come to the next one, in fact you'd love for him to come with you. If he gets mad, say 'I'm not going to argue with you' and leave the room. Keep doing this, you must be consistent and not get pulled into defending your actions - that's how he manipulates you; just keep repeating the same thing. Just do this one thing for the next few weeks, til it gets comfortable and he sees that you will not be cowed.

You can work on another boundary later, but start with this one.

My husband's limit is three drinks. He would not quit 100%, so that's the compromise we made. It wasn't the first drink that was a LB for me (unless he's home alone with our daughter - there's a zero tolerance policy on that one). It was his actions after he had more than a few not to mention the money. So we had a POJA on the three drinks. The consequence for him going over them is divorce.