Hello. I am new to this forum. It will be two years at the end of June that I am separated from H. We have gone through a custody battle and haven't spoken cordially until the last few weeks. We had a terrible, dramatic end to our living together. I lost the support of the church family and they lost no time finding him a new partner to pal around with (4 months after separation). My family is small and tight and I was told that if I ever got back with OH they would disown me. At this time, I think I need to talk to someone about the situation. I was so relieved to be out of the old situation, but now 2 years later, I am having some other thoughts about it. I guess now that I know he is truly ready to move on, it has been more of an emotional struggle, not less. He called recently and we spoke for nearly two hours. He let me know that he wanted nothing more then his marriage back. It is a sad state and somewhat confusing one to be in. I want to be a person with strong convictions and we had a very troubled past. Anyway, thanks to those with caring hearts who listen.

Welcome.

I'm confused:
Is he moving on or is he asking to work on it?

Hello. To clarify, I am not sure.
I believe what he meant was that he does not want to move on and if there is any hope for us, he wants to chose his first marriage. That's more or less what he said. The other woman has been hanging around, apparently knowing this for the last two years and waiting for him to move on with her. I don't like to talk about his new relationship with him because it makes me very uncomfortable. If this was any other break up where I never had to see him again, it would be easier, but we have a child and I see him on a regular basis. I don't get any warm fuzzies from him, though. It is just very sad to go through this situation. I don't know if that is any more clear. I am having a hard time with this and it doesn't seem to have gotten easier with the passage of time.

Can you supply more details? I'm not sure what you're asking.

My issue that I am asking about is: why is it not getting easier to handle the emotions of a divorce? Even though I left a unhealthy relationship and have pulled my own life together, I am still lonely and suffer from depression over the failed marriage. Lately, I have been considering a more cordial and congenial relationship with my ex, but I am struggling with my own motives and how much I can trust him. I am also struggling with the fact that he has another woman in his life vying for his affection. It hurts even though I don't want the relationship that we had back again. I am seeking different coping startegies and advice how to handle a difficult situation. I would also like to gain better insight into the emotional difficulties I am going through after nearly two years of very limited contact with my ex. This appeared to be a forum to discuss these types of topics with other people who have been through similar situations and may have wisdom to share on this process toward health and recovery.

well according to the MB stuff i've read it takes a year for every five you were married to fully recover

were u married a long time?

also, everybody is different and it will take some longer than others to recover

ive been separated for less than a year and divorce is still pending so i'm behind ya but i do know what you are feeling and i kinda doubt mine will be a quick recovery either for what it's worth

what are you doing in terms of self improovement?

Hey, thanks for the response. We were together for 15 years. Our actual marriage only lasted about two years of that. Most of the days, I'm doing pretty good. I am really grateful that I can provide for my son and myself on our own. I have a great job, not that I'm rolling in thebenjamins, but it takes care of our immediate needs.

As far as self improvement, I tried a Divorce recovery group. I really haven't done much, honestly. I don't even know what that could be. Sometimes, when I get in a real funk, I do something creative, and that usually helps me to work through things.I have looked at myself to seek out qualities that I might want to improve on. I sort of felt like my ego was squashed over the last relationship experience.

Part of my issue is that he has been dating one woman who is clearly very interested in him. I don't think he will be different with this lady, as far as putting real energy into an adult relationship. I am alone and relocated to a more rural area. There are mostly families and retired folk here and not a lot of opportunity to meet other people in my age group who are single. I enjoy being alone, but not all the time. It would be nice to have a friend to spend time with and be able to talk to now and then.

Suprising how long these posts get in a matter of a few thoughts. Thanks for reading all this.

I'm sorry you're still hurting. It probably will take a while to heal. And being away from lots of people doesn't help, either! Is there any way you can move?

It sounds like your ex has moved on, so I'm thinking starting up relations with him will be bad news for everyone involved. I know it's hard to let go of someone you've been with that long, but it's not healthy for you to still be focusing on him.

I would advise, instead, doing some introspection on yourself, and how the divorce has affected you, what it means to your self-worth, and what it would take to let it go. It sounds like this is all more about your ability (or not) to define yourself through your own actions, rather than letting your circumstances define you. Does that make sense?

Do you have access to a counselor of some sort? I have found that just having a person to talk to, to listen as I try to work out my issues, has helped a lot. It helps me focus on the good, and dissect and analyze - and throw away - the self-defeating thoughts I have. For instance, say I think I'm ugly. My counselor will have me work through that logically, bringing up things like 'your H thinks you're beautiful, so you can't be all that bad' or 'guys were hitting on you at your 10-year high school reunion, so how can that be ugly?' Stuff like that. They help you realize the negative that you throw at yourself, throw it away if it's not true, and come up with constructive ways to move forward with purpose, even excitement.

Other things you can do are:

Start a new hobby.

Volunteer somewhere (do it with your son, and it would teach him great things as well as making you feel good about helping someone).

Start an exercise regime; find one you can do with your son, if he's old enough - it would be great life habits for him to learn, compared to all the couch potato kids these days.

Think back on your teen years, and remember what you wanted out of life; see what you can do to make some of that come true. For instance, there's a guy here who runs a couple restaurants, but what he really wanted to do was be a counselor (I think). So now he's thinking about going back to get a new degree and pursue his dreams. Make yourself important again.

Reconnect with people in your life.

Start a side business.

Create a new pattern for you and your son; I like to suggest trying out new parks or other places to go every month; don't just do the same old thing all the time; give yourself something to look forward to. Be creative. Be spontaneous - another great thing to teach your son. One of my favorite memories is that no matter where we went, my mother would always get lost. But instead of being upset, she made it into a challenge and a triumph when we finally found our way to our destination. It gave me courage to take chances. Do stuff like that for you and your son.

I definitely understand your pain. Divorce is so hard. It's not just the horror and pain of losing your H and splitting apart your family, but also rebuilding a new life. I don't know how old you are, but I'm 40 and I find it very difficult to meet new people. My social network is extremely weak - almost nonexistant. I'm also not quite ready to join a group such as yoga or whatever. In my town, these groups are populated by married women, often with children, and the conversations are all about issues faced by happily married, intact people. I just can't handle it.

So this is what I'm doing (for now). I'm seeing a counsellor because it's someone I can talk to. I'm trying to rebuild friendships though it's hard at this age (I have very few single aquaintances even). I also work in a city 75 km from where I live so none of my colleagues live near me either. I do volunteer for an equestrian organization - it is only about once a month or so but at least it's something. I've been considering volunteering at the women's shelter. I attended a program there and even though I didn't really make any new (local) friends as I had hoped, I did realize that I was not as uncomfortable in this environment since they were not the yoga-group perfect ladies with perfect lives, even though it's quite sad and even traumatic in other respects.

The other thing, and this is extremely hard, is you absolutely have to stop comparing your life with your ex's. He's moved on, so what. You have to stop yourself every time these thoughts enter your head. Worry about you, and you only. You are your only measure of yourself. What he does or doesn't do, doesn't reflect on you anymore. Compare yourself to yourself only - are you better today than yesterday or worse? How can you get even better? How can you stop getting worse? It's what YOU do that counts. At the end of each day, write down everything you accomplished that day, even if it is as small and insignificant as cleaning the cat box. Eventually that list will look quite impressive.

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate it. I am 37 and this process has taken a toll on me for sure. I don't have a lot of free time to commmit to anything other then work. I am trying to get back on my excercise regime, but with a 7yo, it takes some planning. I usually work 9-12 hours a day and then I am exhausted. I have tried a couple dating services, but I guess I am not that interested, went on one date, just to do it and I ended it with a handshake. I am just still trying to disconnect. I do really appreciate the comments though, I know I need to keep focusing on the future and moving on. It gets a little muddled when the ex is saying he still wants to find a way to not finalize the divorce.

Kdlady, it's not the future you need to focus on so much right now but the present. Yet another reason divorce takes such a toll is that in addition to everything else that you lose, all of the future plans you had with your ex are gone too. This has been particularly difficult for me since I am a very goal-oriented person and I have always structured my life in order to work towards all of these goals. When they were gone, I simply couldn't function. And it's not like you can just make up new goals to replace them (tried that for a while but that's even worse). Again, you have to actively reset your thoughts to think about today, not tomorrow. Doing this has really helped me a lot, even though it goes completely against the grain of my character. I'm told that eventually I'll be able to think ahead like I used to. I'm not there yet. For now, live in the present - how am I right now? Cope with right now. Don't let thoughts stray into what will be, just what is.

I can relate to that. I have been on the one day at a time mode for the last two years. I am now beginning to plan ahead to purchasing a home for myself and my son. It can feel like a burden to carry all the big decisions on my own.

To respond to catperson, I could move, but that would mean taking a financial risk to locate a new position in my field. I would likely have to drop all my benefits and "temp" until I was offered a permanent position. I have a good position now and I am not sure if that is a move I want to make for my little family. That is one of the choices I have to make on my own. If I do move, will the ex take me back to court? Don't know.

HAd an inspiring talk with a friend last night who reminded me to trust in God's plan for my life. These incidents (divorce) can shake a person's faith and understanding of those seemingly abstract oncepts, but it was reassuring nontheless.

Maybe instead of moving, you could initiate some planned-out opportunities to visit other places, maybe meet friends or family once a month at a convenient location, get a regular hotel room for a weekend once a month, try out new places together, that kind of thing. It would give you the companionship you're missing without upsetting your lives.

Hi
This hit home for me. I also have been separated for 2 years. Emotionally for 1 1/2 he was living in the downstairs part of the house. He has since moved out(6 months). I have never heard the 1 year rule for every 5 you were married(we were 15). This helps me understand why I feel I can not heal and still don't trust him. He was what I believed emotionally and verbally abusive. Very distant from me and the kids until he needed something. Even in the beginning of trouble and separation he was still up to his old tricks. Now that he has moved out he is trying so hard to change. Problem is I feel it is just to save his life he was use to and can't trust that it is genuine. He says "I am changing you need to give me another chance". I am frozen and stuck. He does not want to divorce and I can not feel anything still. I can not bring myself to file because he will be devasted but the alternative is to live in an untrusting situation. I actually feel worse when he keeps trying to be nice because it is not changing how I feel. He has not even adjusted to separation and still wants to date a few times a month( he also wants to include being physical). Keeps telling me he can't do this much longer and that he needs a relationship in his life. But yet he will not divorce and find a new one. Thanks for listening. Sorry this was so long.