Last night I decided it was time for H and I to have a little update chat about how things are going. By no means was this supposed to be an argument. I have concerns because I feel as if I'm spending alot of time filling his EN's while mine are still being unaddressed. I know, as part of plan A, it is my responsibility to provide a loving environment where H feels he's loved and cared for so the OW no longer looks appealing. But, it's been a while now so I'm thinking it's time to turn the tables to me a bit. Apparently, we had a lack of connection (I hate that word) and were not communicating properly. Oh, and I was unapproachable when he wanted to talk to me about anything. So, these are the skills I've had to re-learn. Yes, I can be a bull-dozer, so I am trying to learn how to temper my opinion and allow him to have his. But, through all of this, I've also learned where I'm missing stuff from him. We've been married 17 years and I gave up on the idea of what my needs were many years ago deciding that if a marriage was made up of 10 points and I was getting 7, this should be ok. Well, enter OW and now the game changes. He made it clear to me that if all or most of the 10 points were not covered for him, I could be replaced. So, why not for me too? When does he begin filling my void? But, first I had to realize what they were. He's a much more reserved and shy person than I am so socially we are on two different planes. I'd love to entertain more and go out more, but he's much more of a homebody. This was a small adjustment to make, because I generally enjoy just being with him and I keep my friendships with my girls on track. He has made many leaps and bounds and has tried much harder to be more social. For this, I am appreciative. But, even if he did not, I wouldn't have found a replacement! So, I've learned that I don't feel 'cherished'. He really does not like that word. I should just 'know' that he loves me. He should not have to demonstratively show me this. Why not? Why not a small note, a card, a flower on the way home? Plan an evening out...ask me to go for a walk after dinner and simply hold my hand...go to the park...sit outside and listen to the birds...these are all very simple requests. Romance is not present. I get the looks and the smiles, but I need something concrete. Something I can refer to later when I'm feeling blue. I have a stash hidden of all the crap OW gave him. These are the cards and letters I reference and it's not helpful at all. And, what happens to kissing? Why don't we simply kiss just to kiss? Why does it have to become an entire evening...can't there just be passion for a moment or two? I tell him that these are my needs. And, if he took some time to fill them, then maybe I'd automatically be filling his. You see, this is a two part deal and I sometimes feel like I'm the only one putting in the amount of effort that is required. Last night I told him to lay it on the line for me. Tell me if you're not the kind of guy who feels romance and romancing are important. Then, let me decide if this is a need that I can forego. It should be my choice, not his. I feel like the dog at the door who's just waiting for a pat on the head. Give me some re-assurance....do something!!! H is a good man, but lazy when it comes to nurturing me. This is one thing I am not...I've always been very good at romancing him. But, apparently this is not an EN that is top on his list. So, today we begin a new day. Maybe, just maybe, I provided some clarity for him last night. Maybe, just maybe, there's a flower or two in my future!

I should just 'know' that he loves me. He should not have to demonstratively show me this.

AH, HORSESH**! Wanting displays of affection MUST be part of being Italian! I've always been a BIG fan. My wife, on the other hand, never was much of an affectionate person. SHe sees everyday responsibility as being LOVING. I understand that, but..........

And, please I hope this doesn't hurt, I am SURE these "stupid" little acts of affection were on FULL display when he was being a CORNUDO. If its good enough for her, its MORE than good enough for you!

My wife would absolutely RIP ME A NEW ONE, if I "wasted good money on flowers. They just DIE, you know!"

You have every RIGHT to expect and receive silly little displays of affection. I love SILLY.

Perhaps...just perhaps, I was heard??!! H called at 9:30 and asked that I drive into town and pick him up. He took me to the river (that sounds funny) and we went for a nice walk on this beautiful spring day. It's a start.

Did you have a nice time and talk?

Once I allowed myself to have a good time we did. I had to drive into the city (30 min away) to get him. I had a moment of panic that he brought me there to tell me he did not want to remain married. I asked, he told me I was silly and then we moved on. Sometimes I'm very paranoid, understandably so.
But, fast forward to the river and it was nice. Holding hands, smelling cherry blooms, looking for fish. We're still a bit tentative with each other, but that fades with time, I suppose. He truely is my best friend and it was sweet that we did this.

Fiori, it is difficult in the early rebuilding stages. When I want to "see" how we are doing, I open with "Could we have a State of our Union" address. I ask him how he's feeling about "us " in general and then I voice any concerns I have. At first it was awkward, but now he whistles Hail to the Chief!

You will, with time overcome the "tentativeness" you encounter.
It really does fade with time. If you pack his lunch, be sure to include little notes about how much you enjoy being with him.
We are about 3 yrs into recovery. GF

Thanks...that was helpful. It's nice to hear from people who've been to the dark side and have come out to see the sun shining! I know we'll get there...it just seems like an eternity. So, people say it's generally 2 years before you feel 'normal' again. Is that measured from when the EA began or from when it ended?

In our case, the EA ended a few months before I found out about it. So 2 yrs is about right, for us, it was after discovery.
He was done with OW, so he didn't suffer any withdrawal at all.
I had a few triggers along the way. Time does help heal. GF

Your H sounds like he needs help in learning about how to meet your EN's.

Have you gotten "His Needs Her Needs"? It was recommended to me here, and I bought the CD's for my H to listen to in the car. Once they arrived, I handed them over and held my breath. He actually really liked them and got through the entire set in a short amount of time.

HNHN is much more detailed than the EN's info here on the site. It is full of examples (stories of couples Dr. Harley has counseled) of what can happen when EN's aren't met, etc.

How are the two of you doing on your 15 hours weekly? Once the two of you fully understand to meet each other's EN's, the time together is the "trick" to make it all work.

It is a struggle for us, but we try to "connect" daily even if just to play a game (computer Triple Yahtzee) or to watch a show together (that new John Adams series on HBO is really good!), etc, once the kids are in bed. Also we have a preset date night once a week (every Friday and if for some reason Friday doesn't work...it automatically moves to Saturday).

I realized that things unravel between us pretty quickly if we don't follow through with this time together consistently.

Hope this helps! Hang in there...

ps. About that OW...I think I remember your story...is she still at the same workplace as your H?

Hmmm...yup, she's still there. Funny you should bring this up because H and I were discussing this just yesterday. I find it hard to believe that someone could stay somewhere where she's been told repeatedly that she is not wanted and has been reprimanded by her boss about her inapropriate actions outside of work time. But, she brazingly sits there anyway.
H is actively searching for a new job. He actually sent out a resume last night. She has been transferred to another dept. since October and has not spoken to him since February 17 (but who's counting).
Last night I tried to explain to H that he deals with me the way he wants to be dealt with. But, the oversight here is that I'm not him. I require more tanglible love than he does. He's a different beast than me. I tried my best to explain it to him and there actually appeared to be recognition as to what I'm saying. So, we trudge forward. But, I'll be a much happier girl when either he or she is gone. Anyone have a job opening in Alaska for a yucky OW???? I'm sure there are trenches she could dig somewhere!

One more thing...
Can these books be purchased at Barnes & Noble or do I need to do this through website?

I think you will see a big shift in your R efforts once they are not at the same workplace...so I will keep my fingers crossed for you that that happens soon.

Even something like a former coworker calling FWH is a trigger for me. Those betrayed feelings creep back in and make it hard for me to act "normal," so I can't imagine that we would be where we are in our R if he was still at the same workplace with FOW. (We still have a ways to go but we hardly talk about OW anymore which is a small blessing...)

Yeah, Dr. Harley talks about how spouses will mistakenly try to fill the wrong EN's in the wrong ways based on what their OWN EN's are (or something along those lines...) I think you two will benefit a lot from the book.

I looked for the audio book at B&N...wasn't there so I ordered it here at this site.

Don't want to be a downer....but my WH behaved like this when we were in false recovery.

Behaved how?