About 17 years ago my wife was having a affair with a old boyfriend at that time I was not in the best form (drinking and drugs) I found out about it from my SIL who called and told my wife if she did not tell me that she would and as you can see we did not split up but I never got over the pain of it and thought that my actions with drinking and such caused it and quit all of those bad habits for over 12 years however began drinking again about 2 years ago and for the most part have it under control will explain later.
Closer to the present time.
I would check the history on the computer from time to time and would see that she was looking for him and I told her that I was upset by it and she stated that she didn't find anything (true I had the same results)also looking up natural birth control. One day I see she looks his name up again this time a address of where he lives came up this is in Oct. of last year, I said to her this changes everything now that she knows where he is, she said she was suprised that it came up and I should not worry. (yea right) so I started keeping closer tabs on what was going on and started taking notes on strange cell phone numbers mostly the ones that were text and long conversation times and stated looking spying tools that were cheap or free to cover my spying operation I found a trial of Elite Keylogger and within 3 days I found out about my wife seeing this old boyfriend three days before Christmas, I don't know what lead to this conversation but in his email to her he says that he never ment to hurt me or my wife, my wifes reply is that she loves him but can not leave her family and this is where she belongs but she will keep his voice messages in her cell phone.
My heart was ripped from my chest, I called her from work and I told her that I knew she was seeing him, she denied it, I started to give specific details and she realized she was busted and asked how I knew all of these things I said I have people.
When I got home from work she said that they only talked online I asked her to call her voice mail she turn white as a ghost and asked why? I said I want to hear this message from him that you want to save. she now turned green and said no I won't it would be to painful for you. I will delete it, the next morning she took the dog for a walk and came back crying and dialed her voice mail to prove that she deleted it and to play a message from him stating that If I come after him he will be forced to defend himself.
I was very calm due to shock and started asking questions about it and was getting a load of crap but I let her tell her crap story of what went on, then I put my cards on the table and started to correct all of the "errors" that she was telling me, then the truth began to come out and over the next couple weeks I would ask more questions and get different answers and one of those questions was if that email that I found was the breaking ties email she said it was and that it was over. But I still think that she still talks to him as I screwed up and she knew that I had the computer bugged and the phone records are there. she has access to a computer at work and she was busted in a lie in Jan. when she said that she can't get yahoo due to school policy, but was busted when I checked her yahoo email twice and seen that she opened a email. I am all screwed up by this and a few weeks back I got drunk and picked up a hooker for oral sex as payback and I know it was wrong for so many reasons, health, law, as well as morals. however I could not perform due to a combo of alcohol and the reasoning behind of what I was doing.
I told her of what I did and why and I was sorry, she said she understood and can't believe I would go to such extremes but she was upset by it. I am making a effort to stop bringing it up as I want to stop taking steps backwards and try to put this behind us. however she will be home for summer break in June should I keep keeping tabs on what is going on because nothing is at this time that I can find.

Yes, continue keeping tabs.

A digital voice-activated recorder might be a good investment.

However, read up on Plan A on this website. That's what you should be practicing at the moment.

yes, keep spying.

Thanks for the replies,
I will keep tabs on what is going on, and continue plan A, I do think that the affair is over and has run it's course. I don't think that a recorder is needed at this time, but I will look into which one would suit my needs based apon the way that I would need to plant the device. At the same time I think she realized that it was/is not worth it for she would lose everything we built together and is grieving the loss of her freedom and privacy and feels the need to walk on egg shells as a result of these actions. Also the guilt of hurting me who she knew that she was the center of my world and nothing else mattered, but she is not so sure now because I have changed from the person I once was and been drifting in and out of moods about the affair, but have been getting better at having a positive outlook to make deposits into my love bank.

I'm not comfortable with spying, won't it destroy any chance you have of rebuilding trust? My H has lied and continued to phone, text and email the OW since telling me it was over on 06.04. (Yes I have had to spy to find this out!) Yesterday I found out, via their emails that he'd had sex with her on Saturday, he tells me for the first time since I found out about the A, but I can't be sure. The email and her response were very detailed!I want our relationship to be trusting again, but how can you build that trust when you're spying? Equally I don't trust him and am tempted to download a key logger but isn't that as good as admitting it's over?

LW - do read up on Plan A and be committed to conducting a great Plan A. Also consider counseling for yourself. You've got a history of drug and alcohol abuse and you had a recent relapse. Get help for this. Heavy drinking and picking up hookers won't get your M back on track and it certainly isn't part of a good Plan A.

I would definitely keep snooping and get as much info as you can. Hopefully, your snooping will reveal that the A is truly over and you can get to the hard work of recovery with your WW. If not, you'll have details to continue to press for the A to end. Have you looked into exposing the A to family and friends who may have influence over WW and also to OMW?

feathers01 - I do not think that spying is saying it is over, spying is getting the facts and in my mind a tool to move the building blocks for a solid trust foundation if your fears are unfound and the A is over, over time you build that trust so you do not need to spy, or to correct your feelings and wishful hopes if in fact your WS is not being true to their word and continues to have the affair then you know where you stand in their life and heart. The stress and hurt feelings on the one being cheated on I am sure you know is enough and I would like piece of mind know if in fact it is over or am I being played to look the fool.

KLD - The heavy drinking and hooker was a 1 time thing and I have overcome that base on how wrong it was for the reasons expressed in a prior post, I have been working plan A before I joined this form and did not know it, Our relationship has been improving since d-day. I have thought about exposing the OM to his GF but I figure it's not worth my time and would just drag this out further, I don't care what he does just not in my yard.

feathers, so you are saying that you trust your spouse and that your marriage is healed and into a "forsaking all others and keeping myself ONLY unto you" mode?

Liars lie. Cheaters lie. All cheaters lie.

Furthermore, in this day of FATAL STD's, it would be highly foolish to trust someone who has already shown that they don't care about your health and well-being.

Medical checkups for STD's are "required" for all who have been engaging in ANY sex outside of the marriage, as well as for the BS if they have had sex with their spouse after the WS began having sex outside of the marriage. Remember, "love" does NOT prevent STD's and when the WS has sex with someone they are also "having sex" with anyone the OP ever had sex with. Want to play Russian Roulette?

Trust is gone and can only be rebuilt through being earned.

For the BS, the idea is "Trust, but verify."

Why?

Two reasons.

First, to find out if you are being lied to. Recovery does not work for someone engaging in adultery...Period.

Second, to verify that change is real and that "no news IS good news." AFTER you have reached "recovered," you can stop verifying. During recovery, you can begin to wean yourself of the "need" to check up. But it is my opinion that it's foolish to "trust" the WS to "speak the truth" until they have earned the right to be trusted again. Thereafter, precautions need to remain in place to protect the WS against obvious "weaknesses" that can (did so in the past) lead them into temptation again.

Thank you to all that responded to this question, I will keep tabs on what is going on, I've been through this before and the only difference this time is it was EA from what I've uncovered.
Also I've learned the truth that it was a PA from long ago i did not ask about it because I feel those skelelons are too deep in the closet on both of our ends and I held back when WS stated that she said to him that "there will be no sex involved this time". I often feel like I am running in circles when I come to this form, as it brings up the bad feelings of the A and feel that I want to move to recovery, I guess there will always be the feeling of mistrust and I'm sort of tired of filling my day with the notion that it is still going on.

feathers, it is not lack of trust that destroys marriages, but a lack of BOUNDARIES. It would be silly to pretend to trust your husband when you know he is untrustworthy. You have an obligation to snoop as much as possible to find out if he is harming you behind your back. No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair.

Trust is built by behaving in TRUSTWORTHY WAYS, not by pretending y0u trust an untrustworthy person.

Spying is a VIRTUE when warranted, feathers. Dr. Harley advocates doing all the spying you need to do!