I'm new here and i don't know what to do. My WH has left me for another woman about 1 month ago. We have been married for almost 14 years and together for 19 years. We have 3 children ages 11,14, and 17. He just informed me one day that he didn't love me anymore, not like that. Then 3 days later breaksdown that theres another woman. Less than a week later he's already moved out and bought her jewelery they day before her birthday. Then again a week later. He has also started drinking, something that he has never done before. He has asked about separation but has not mentioned divorce yet. After all this I found out he has moved into town next door to his mother and he confessed that the other woman stays over alot. The kids as well are devestated. The oldest our only daughter is very confused, as we all are, the middle hates him and the youngest for now is just taking it all in. He calls sometimes and talks to the youngest before school the other two don't talk. He tells the oldest that this doesn't involve them, that he doesn't understand why they are mad at him. He has seen the youngest maybe three times since leaving. So far he has been paying mortgage and given me a couple of bucks for gas and groceries and wants to know if thats enough for now. The other woman is a co-worker and he happens to be a supervisor. I told him I still love him and am willing to work on marriage and forgive him but he says how can I forgive him when he can't forgive himself also he's not coming back because he knows the kids and I hate him. Help.

He tells the oldest that this doesn't involve them, that he doesn't understand why they are mad at him.

Oh, so your husband is really really stupid as well as unfaithful, huh?

Stick around, people will show you how to approach this.

I really am sorry for your dilemna. It really sucks.

Wow. I'm so sorry you're here.

There's a few guides here for the newly betrayed.

The biggest thing you need to understand is that you're dealing with the most destructive and selfish person in the world right now. He is a wayward spouse and he will be angry, hateful, hurtful, and a complete stranger from the man you knew.

So now you must take action. You cannot change HIM. You can only change yourself and protect your children.

Don't lecture him or try to talk sense into him. He won't listen or care.

But you can and should start to Plan A immediately. Do a search for that on this site.

There will be many tears and lonely moments for you. Be strong for your children. They are the ones who need to be protected and looked after and they need a parent who is thinking clearly.

It is easier said than done. Your world has been turned upside down and you're devastated.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by SH.

Go over to the "Just found out" forum, which should have guides for the newly betrayed.

Lots of women will jump in here to help you. I can only offer a man's perspective, but dealing with waywards husbands is a little different than dealing with wayward wives. One thing is universal, however, and that is that the advice you get will be so that YOU can change because you can't change him.

Taking action on things YOU can control is the way to influence his behavior.

Good luck to you and sorry you're here.

Hi SS,
Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. You have definately found the right place. You will find great advice, love, moral support and prayers here. I am a new poster but we are 10 1/2 months into recovery from my husband's affair and doing well. The vets will be along soon to answer your questions.
God bless,
Say

Smiles,
I'm very sorry for the situation you are in. You have definitely come to the right place though. There are a lot of wise people around here who will give you great advice.

One of the first pieces of advice you will read though is regarding exposure. Who have you exposed to? Given that the other woman (OW) is his subordinate, work will be a very powerful method of ending the affair. Also, does his mother know? Have you spoken with her to let her know what he is doing and how badly it is affecting your children? She could be a powerful ally given her proximity to your wayward husband (WH). Is the OW married? Does she have a boyfriend? Find out if there are points of exposure for her, and bring reality crashing down on them in a "Tsunami of Truth". Affairs are fantasies. Expose it for the ugly thing it is.

Also, read up on Plan A. Try and figure out what his ENs are and which ones you may not have done such a good job at meeting over the years. These are probably the same ones that OW is currently meeting. Remember though, that this does not imply in the slightest that you are to blame for his Affair. You aren't! You hold a share of the responsibility for whatever state the marriage was in, prior to the start of the affair, but the affair was a choice made solely by him, and it is about him. Don't accept any blame for that.

I think if he says anything about not understanding why the kids hate him, you have a duty to dispel any sense of fantasy. I would reply that they are angry with him because he is abandoning and destroying his family. Don't ever enable the affair in an attempt to be nice to him.

Keep posting and good luck with this. Your marriage sounds saveable to me.

Ah, exposure. Forgot to mention that.

You will encounter venemous words for doing it, but it must be done. Expose to his work, his family, your family.

Don't let him put his spin on his lovenest. Tell everyone you know.

He will hate this and say things you need to prepare for such as:

"You're just trying to smear me?"

"This doesn't involve them!"

"We had a chance but there is no way now!"

"Now you've ruined any chance we had to be friends or be amicable."

"Why don't you want me to be happy?"

"She's the love of my life."

"The kids will be ok and will accept things once they see I'm happy."

"I love you but am not in love with you." (ILYBANILWY)

You'll hear these things or variants thereof. They're universal to waywards. It's a script they use to manipulate you, put you down, make you feel guilty, and get their way.

Don't let it affect you and hearing these things ahead of time will prepare you for when you hear them from this man you love very dearly.

But expose, expose, expose!

They absoultely hate exposure.

Go to this thread for a "starting guide".

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=407164&fpart=1

Smile,

You are in the best place possible. We all understand the feelings you are having and will support you as you need us too.

I'm sorry that you are here and I truly remember these feelings. What you are going through is one of the worst possible things you can ever experience, but please know that you can not only recover your M, but you can recover from this personally as well. In the beginning there was NO WAY I was concerned about taking care of myself, but it's important for you to do this, read as much as you can and ask questions.

I hope I'm doing this right I'm a little computer illiterate. Well this is just a quick update, on top of this my father is seriously ill and in the hospital on life support. I called WH to pick up the kids to bring them to the hospital just in case so the kids could say goodbye to granddad. He couldn't because he said his vehicle was in another city and he was getting ready to go to work. The kids said that when he called that morning he sounded like he'd been drinking. We text back and forth today about dad he still can't talk to me. I make the mistake of telling him I still love him and want to work things out and I'm not giving up, he doesn't respond. I ask him if i need him for the kids in case of my dad will he be there he says yes, that he's known dad for a long time and it's got nothing to do with dad or kids. Then he tells youngest this evening that "you know I'm not coming home right, I don't want you mad at me". I am trying to focus on my father right now but i've got so many things going on. He just sent me a e-mail saying he wants to spend more time with youngest. I think I'm just screwing everything up.

This is GOOD and NOT a MISTAKE...This is a GREAT STATEMENT!! Remember it and repeat it to him any time that you get the chance to do so. It is a part of PLAN A as the good folks here have been speaking to you about...


You're doing FINE!!

Sorry to hear about your father..you are doing the best that you can with a this TRAUMATIC situation..

How HORRIBLE for you!!

((((SMILES)))

Well he just e-mailed me to say that he wanted to spend more time with youngest and could he come to his apartment I said I had no problem with that as long as OW was not there. He said never mind that he'd have to wait. Honestly it's only been a month. Am I being unreasonable???? Should I let the youngest go?? Very confused now.

Tell he can spend time with your youngest at your own home. I wouldn't take the chance of placing your child in the company of the OW.

Here's what you need to do. Read up on plan A, figure out what ENs you weren't meeting, stop all LBs, start working on plan A, expose to EVERYONE in a position to put pressure on him to end the affair, and then - this is the big one - get with a lawyer and file for legal separation. I guarantee you, if he loses custody of his children, gets spousal support and child support automatically deducted from his paycheck, he loses use of the family home, and gets the finances split up, I guarantee he will come home with his tail between his legs after a few weeks of b!tching and moaning. He sounds like a classic fence-sitter who will try and get some of his needs met by each person until he is forced to choose one over the other. Trust me, you've got much more history and he has a he11 of a lot more to lose if he chooses the other woman. Make him make the decision sooner rather than later, so you don't lose all of your love for him.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad being sick. Right now I would concentrate on THAT.

The next thing you must do is write a letter to their work exposing the affair. Let them know that you love your husband, and the OW supervisor is breaking up a marriage and taking the father away from his 3 children who need him. Then ask them what they plan to do about the adultery in the workplace.

Send the letter to the HR department. That will go a long way to breaking up the affair, and then hubby will most likely come back to the family.

You might be afraid he will lose his job, but here's the thing - once they had an affair, they can never work together again. Your marriage can't recover. So this way, there is a chance they will fire the OW, since she is a supervisor.

well after much back and forth last night he said that he would file if he couldn't see youngest child w/o the other woman present my son who is 11 is having a hard time deciding what to do I told him that its up to him that I'm not putting him in the middle anymore he said he would try to see his dad with OW. I am truly devastated by this my WH swore he wouldn't do this to me now he has. I don't know what to do. He's pushing me into a corner. I called a friend whos been thru similar situation and she said that she left it up to kids after all its not their fault. He's still their dad. I don't think this looks good. I'm a wreck. Any thoughts.

first of all, get your kids into counseling to deal with this mess, especially the younger one. the counselor will want to work with you and your ex as well periodically. if the counselor is any good at all they will tell you and your wh that it is TOO SOON for the kids to be around ow. they are still trying to deal with him just up and leaving. meeting ow on top of that when mom and dad are still married? NO WAY. don't let your son go over there when she is there. period. they have enough to deal with right now. what kind of example is your ex being with ow while you are still married setting?

i kept my kids away from ow for quite some time. counselor told my ex it was too much too soon. they had a lot on their plate as it was. i offered, like mimi suggested to you, for my ex to spend time with the kids HERE at our HOME. (by this point i was not trying to get my ex back so i would leave the house so they could spend time together) when he would bother to do it. he was living with ow and there was no way i was letting those kids over there.

it is your job to protect your children. it is wayyy too big of a decision for an 11 year old to make. of course he is confused! he loves his dad and wants to make him happy but doesn't want to hurt you by seeing ow there and probably doesn't really want to see ow right now because he probably blames her for dad leaving. don't make him make that decision!

don't fall for you exes manipulation either. "if you don't let me see son with ow here i will just file for divorce" that is manipulation. he knows you don't want divorce so you will relent and let son go over there with ow. DON'T DO IT. if he is going to file he will file regardless.

stand strong on this.

mlhb

I agree with mlhb 100%.

He has every right to see his son, but he can do so in your home, where you're married, and not exposed to OW.

Don't put the burden of the decision on your son. He will be torn and try to please the two of you. He will feel torn because he knows you are hurt by all of this. Yet he loves his dad and wants to please him as well.

Make the decision for him. You're protecting him.

You have a lot of power as a woman. The courts favor you in these types of matters and you can easily get a restraining order forbidding the other woman from being around your kids.

Do not allow yourself to be manipulated because you're devastated.

I was in your shoes (as a man) and went along with everything my ex said because "if you don't, then it's going to be ugly and there's no chance for us to be together again."

It was a great way to shut me up and it worked.

Where am I now two years later? Divorced and separated from my kids.

Don't fall for the manipulation and don't let your children get into the middle of this and be forced to accept some other woman.

Protect them. Be strong for them. Let Mama Bear rise up to protect her cubs.

This is what you need to do. That way you don't have to argue about it. It will be clearly defined by the court, so there will be no question about how to handle things. You can also have a ruling handed down that the OW is to have no contact with the children. It's time to get tough with your WH. He thinks he can manipulate you to get what he wants. It's time to stand up for yourself and garner his respect. I promise you will not regret this decision if you go down this path.

Please listen to the people here who are encouraging you to be strong. Weakness and appeasement are not the answer.

Have your H face the consequences. Be strong because you will really regret being weak if you don't protect yourself and your children.

What a terrible situation. I feel so sorry for your kids. I know exactly how they feel.

I would not ever allow those kids to be in the presence of the OW as long as they are minors. If you end up D, I would fight tooth and nail to have it drawn up in the divorce papers that OW is not to be anywhere near my kids. I don't know if that's possible or not, but I'd sure try. A real father would be willing to spend time with them without his scumbag OW.

I hope everything works out for you, and I'm sorry you're going through this garbage.