Hi, I'm new here. I need some advice as to whether this is considered cheating or not....

For some unknown reason I am getting a "gut feeling". I've had it before but could never find anything. I went online and checked the cell phone records. H has been texting the 22 yr old babysitter. There have been over 170 messagess since New Years'. I also recently found out that said babysitter recently broke up with her boyfriend of 5 yrs.

I haven't asked him about this. I know if I ask then he will say they're "just friends". And I don't want him to know I have access to this type of info.

Also, if I ask at the end of the day if he heard from anyone that day he says no.

1) Is this cheating?
2) If you're just friends then why the secrecy?
3) Is there a way to see the messages even though they get deleted right away from his phone?
4) Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Any advice is very much appreciated. I feel like I am "in the dark".

Dear KMO,
My H had an EA for several months this past year. I heard all the stuff about 'just being friends' and he even tried to have she and I become friends. Fast forward to now, armed with a lot more information and I can tell you that I did think this was cheating. The rule of thumb to use is this....if the conversation cannot happen right in front of you then there is something to hide.
If you suspect anything, you must speak with him asap. Or, I've seen others advise people to wait it out and collect evidence. I have a file of stuff that I've collected that H does not know about. Does he know you've seen the texts? Basically, the gut is usually correct. Follow it. There may not be a physical relationship, but there can also still be time before this happens, if it will.
Add some back ground. Ages, years married, happy or not...basic stuff so others can help.

Thank you for your response.

Me: 36
H: 41
2 kids
thought we were happily married but not so sure now.

This girl has babysat for us for years. He also used to work with her. I have no idea what the messages said. He deletes all messages every time he reads them. If he had just said, hey, she's going through a rough time and came to me for advice, I would have thought nothing of it!

I have been doing the wait and see approach. I have no indication that anything else is going on. He's home when he's supposed to be, always says I love you, foes nice things for me, etc., etc.

The last time I had this feeling I foound out he lost a huge sum of money gambling. It took him 4 months to come clean. That time was also lying by ommission.

Also, I don't know how to get more info....

Again, thanks for your help!

I learned on this very site that men are generally 'fixers'. My H was a fixer and it got us into a huge jam. His EA started because the OW was in distress over being left by her H for another man. Anyway, she came to him (her boss) for help and the ball began rolling. A while back someone sent me a super blurb about how men are fixers. As soon as I can do some checking, I'll look for it and cut/paste for you.
Here's the point I always make for my H. Somewhere, long before OW realized H was in the world, she had a support system set up for when she was in distress. Why does she have to turn to HIM now? She turned to him because he let her and then he got caught up in his version of reality. Trust me...nip it in the bud now.

kmo,
If he deletes the messages and does not tell you about the contact between them, then yes its an EA. He may not even be "into" her like that (i.e. may just be a fixer), but he is obviously intentionally hiding it from you. Secrecy like that should not exist in a marriage. You need to stop this now before it starts to turn into something more.

170 text messages is NOT trivial. It is NOT mere acquaintance. You have the opportunity to stop this before the slide into a PA picks up too much speed. One quick way to satisfy your gut is to ask him for his phone. Tell him you want to set a lovey ring tone for when you call him. He'll probably get really defensive or make up some reason why his phone is not available. Or he'll go to get it, and he'll be gone for 10 minutes while deletes any texts and purges the call history. Then just lay it out for him. Tell him you know he has been texting the babysitter and hiding that from you.

If you confront now, you can hopefully end the EA before the attachment grows too strong.

My gut tells me it's a PA. And the breakup with her boyfriend might be as a result of that PA.

Do you know the ex-BF?

If your H has said that he wants to be honest with you, ask him to request the phone company to provide a copy of those text messages.

The phone bill is in my name. Will the phone company give me the content of the texts? I can only go in and see the phone numbers and dates and times. The wierd thing is.... there are no phone calls, just the texts.....

This is at the very least an EA.

Read up everything you can here and treat it as if you found out they were having a PA.

How often is the babysitter in your home?

Your suspicions are valid. The situation bears watching.

I doubt you'll be able to retrieve the content of the messages. You can inquire but I have my doubts.

As you said, confronting him will result in his knowing you have been checking. And if he has anything to hide he will only go further underground.

You might casually mention sometime you heard 'our babysitter has lost her boyfriend of 5 years' and you wonder how she is doing. (This is just a suggestion. What you actually say would be up to you with what knowledge you have of her and her circumstances.)

His response could be very telling.

Being a 'fixer' of another woman's difficulties should include the fixer's wife if the fixer is at all concerned about how his wife might look at the situation not being told from the beginning.

Even if nothing untoward is taking place, it has the appearance of evil and therefore is not healthy for his relationship with you, his wife.

I hope I am far afield here. But it could be that he limits his contact with using his cell phone to text messages because he knows that calls are recorded along wth date and time. Text messages do not afford this luxury to one wanting to do a check.



Be watchful......

1) An article on this site essentially defines an affair as any behavior that the offended spouse considers an affair. I consider that as being overly broad, but it's as good a definition as any. That being said YOU are the one who must decide if it's cheating.

2) That's the problem. I agree with Fiori, if he can't say it in front of you, there must be about a thousand red flags flapping.

3) I doubt it.

4) Probably not, but the issue you have right now is you DON'T KNOW if it's a mountain, molehill or maybe a foothill. With what you don't know, you can't work with.

Some observations:

Not surprised at texting vs. calling. That's the way of 22 year olds

Your H is getting something out of this secret conversation. You need to find out what.

Beyond secrecy is LYING. He lied to you about contact with your babysitter. I think this site has info on the different kinds of liars.

My advice:

Gently confront your H with what you know, and what you would like to know. No DJs or AOs. Use "I" statements. "I am concerned that... I feel ____ when ...." If you make it about him, he will get defensive and shut down or go underground. I assume that what you want is the truth. If so, make an environment safe for him to tell the truth.

Namaste

Its unlikely that you will be able to get the text message transcripts from the phone company. My wife's phone is in my name, but Verizon told me I would need a court order to get them. They are treated just like phone calls.

Depending on what type of phone your husband has, you can sometimes recover text messages. If his phone has a SIM card, you can get a SIM card reader and recover deleted messages. I don't think it works for SMS though.

Thank you everyone for your great advice!

I'm not sure he is a "fixer". I think I am more of one than he.

A little more background: H is currently out of work due to health issues. The texting started after his problems started. I know he feels like he isn't contributing to the household, isn't doing his "duty" etc, etc.... And, yes, the lack of a second income has it's strains but I can't hold that against him. I try to reassure him that it will all be ok.

We were having a conversation about our daughter needing a haircut and I said "well, maybe (babysitter's name) could do it". And he had absolutely no reply whatsoever. Nothing! It was like I never said a word! He cmpletely ignored me!

We haven't used the babysitter much at all lately since we done have the disposable income to need her. He is home by himself all day so I have no idea what goes on while I am at work.

He is definitely up to something. Is it wrong to sit back and watch and see what happens? I want to gather more info before I ask him questions. I am printing all the text records and keeping them outside the house. I don't want to tip him off and go underground like someone here suggested could happen.

Any more great advice? You guys are wonderful. Thank you!

If he's home all day by himself... where's this babysitter? Does she have a job?

If I were you, I'd think about "popping by" in the middle of the day... unannounced. Maybe stop home for lunch... make it seem like you are doing it to be nice to him... (and you are!), but with the ulterior motive of "checking up" on him too. Stop over for lunch. Take him some magazines to read to keep him occupied while he isn't feeling well. This works well with the "plan A" deal... and is a way of checking on him too.

If I were you, I'd be careful about confronting him until you have evidence of an A. Most WS don't admit an affair unless they are confronted with irrefutable evidence-- text messages aren't irrefutable-- my guess is he'll play them off as innocent (but the fact that he deletes them suggests they aren't...). Maybe bring it up as it is something that makes you feel uncomfortable, but I wouldn't accuse him of anything. That's just going to drive it further underground.

Keep that antenna up. Do you have a computer, and does he spend a lot of time on it? Check your internet history, check his email accounts if you know the passwords. Install a keylogger and keep track of what he's doing during the day.

I'd keep snooping, for now. You are going to need some irrefutable evidence before he admits anything, I think. And you can certainly try talking to him (in "I" statements, as suggested) about how it makes you uncomfortable, but if he's already involved in an A (as I suspect he is...), I'm guessing he's not going to give a rat's [censored] how it makes you feel.... so don't expect much.

Good luck!

TT

Well, unfortunately I can't just pop in during the day. I don't get a lunch hour so I am stuck at work all day

I have checked the browser history and cookies on the computer. Nothing. But he's not much of a computer guy anyway so I am not surprised!

Yes, she works. She's a hairdresser. She has off on Mondays so that's when most of this goes on.

UGH! I'm so confused.....

Maybe set up a voice activated recorder in the home and see what turns up. I would probably snoop a bit more if I were you, maybe a week or so and then get your exposure ducks in a row.

How well do you know this babysitter's family?

I don't know her family at all.

Where else can I snoop? The recorder is a good idea. I will look into that.

Anybody have more ideas on how to snoop? I never thought I would be in this position!!!!

Do you think they are meeting? I would ask a neighbor to watch the house for other cars on Monday. It's spendy, but there are also tracking systems you can put in his car to see where he goes. Or take the day off on Monday (don't tell him) and borrow a friend's car to watch the house...then you can be sure where he is all day.

Stinky to have to do this, but it's better to know than not.

Sweetie,
So sorry for what you are fearing and worrying about. I know how bad that pit in your stomache feels. I've experienced it all too often.

You can't get the text contents from the phone company, but depending on the kind of phone and if you check out the online account, you may be able to get them "forwarded" to you. Not too sure and I don't want to give you false hope, but poke around the online acct.

Does he delete texts that you send him? Or other friends and family? It's completely inappropriate behavior so be sure to read up hear to feel your tool belt with what you will need for the next steps. If at all possible, try to save yourself some heartache from the love busters or other things that can occur during the confrontation.

But once you have confronted him, be very clear on your expectations of him declaring no contact with this girl and changing his phone number immediately in my opinion. And if at all possible, do not use this girl as a babysitter anymore. You don't deserve to have this worry hanging over your head.

Good luck and God Bless!

Hi, Everyone,

Thank you all for your insightful responses. I am now more confused than ever.

1) The texts to the sitter have all but dwindled. H told me last week he lent her $200 and he is trying to get it back and she isn't answering him. He didn't tell me when he loaned the money and it took til last week to find out how much. We are not in a position to loan anyone money as he has been out of work for months now.

2) H went out for lunch with a friend of his the other day. His friend is having problems and he wanted to support him. H comes home from lunch and tells me what they talked about. His friend said "Hey I heard you were hooking up with R". R is someone we have known for years and is married. H tells me its just a rumor, doesn't know how it got started, and that it's false. (If in fact this is true, it would have occurred a few years ago.)

I am still trying to find evidence but can't. What do I do???

Well, you could call up R and ask her, but she may not be honest, especially if she's married and wants to protect her marriage.

Sounds like your H is suffering from some insecurity issues. Maybe because he's not working (?).

Perhaps the 2 of you could get into some marriage counseling and start to work on things together and reconnect. Maybe you can have him read the His Needs/Her Needs book with you and find out what his needs are and work on fulfilling those, like in Plan A and watch if it makes a difference.

Hang in there.