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Ok so I'm saying this in jest. But I wonder if there are any other BW's or BH's who can relate. My WH is very good looking and women have always been drawn to him. He also has the personality that both women and men are drawn to. In a group he is always the most popular. He is in no way stuck on himself and will give attention and respect to those who probably don't usually get it which makes him even more attactive. In the wake of his affair I know that this is always going to be an issue because there seems to be an endless supply of opportunity.
Lately I have found that song "if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life make an ugly woman your wife" stuck in my head. I wonder if there is some wisdom in that? I think that if I could advise my younger self I might say advoid the popular good looking guy and find an ugly guy nice guy that you won't feel like you always have to compete for.
Can anyone else relate?


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Sorry, my WSTBXH is no prize. He's short, bald, overweight and still laughs at fart jokes. In fact, when I first found out about the A, I was actually shocked that there was a woman alive that would/could be attracted to him. He hasn't aged well at all.

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Jimmy Soul lyrics:

Hey hey hey hey hey
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty women makes her husband look small
it very often causes a system fall
As soon as he marrys her then she starts
looking for things that will break his heart
but if you make an ugly women your wife
you'll be happy for the rest of your life
An ugly women will put peals on that
and she'll always give you a piece of that.

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Don't let your friends tell you you have no taste
go ahead and marry anyway
Her face is ugly her eyes don't match
take it from me shes a better catch

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

Dude 1:say man
Dude 2:hey man
Dude 1: I saw your wife the other day
Dude 2: Yeah
Dude 1: Yeah and Shes Ugly
Dude 2: Yeah shes Ugly but she sure can cook baby.
Dude 1: Yeah

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

(FADE)
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty women your wife
Go for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

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Nah,

Not once you are an adult. Looks may be important to woman as youngsters but as they grow older...........

Your hubbys personality is WAY more of a magnet to an affair than his looks. And if he is in a position of power and influence....FORGET IT. Power and infLuence, along with some income, is to woman what a low cut top and miniskirt is to men.

But, in reality, it really doesn't matter HOW HANDSOME, HOW OUTGOING, HOW CONFIDENT, HOW MUCH MONEY AND HOW MUCH INFLUENCE your hubby has. These traits ONLY guarantee he will get ATTENTION. An affair is a result of ONE trait......WEAKNESS OF CHARACTER. Thats it. Be the best wife you can be, fill his ENS, and you can rest assured that YOU are the best person you can be. If that fails, his WEAKNESSES are to blame, not his STRENGTHS.

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Originally Posted by gabagool
Nah,
If that fails, his WEAKNESSES are to blame, not his STRENGTHS.

Great Point!!


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Yep, I know what you mean. My FWW is pretty much constant prey, especially to older men. The OM was literally over twice her age when they started the A (25 v 51).

It was entirely 100% her fault in the A, but she was constantly drooled over by lots of older men at her workplace. It does make the trust issue harder to deal with now.


BH (me) - 33
FWW - 32
S - 3 & 1

Married 7/25/98
EA/PA 2/02 - 2/04
D-Day 1/23/08

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Originally Posted by txbrokenheart75
I think that if I could advise my younger self I might say avoid the popular good looking guy and find an ugly guy nice guy that you won't feel like you always have to compete for.
Can anyone else relate?

I'd say if you did something like that, you'd probably end up putting yourself in even more trouble.



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Ha, ha, this definately came to mind for me. My WW is very good looking. At 42 she looks 32. Guys hit on her all the time. I thought the same thing. Man I should married an ugly girl. wink

I'm 44 and I look 44. God blessed me with looks that I don't need to worry about getting hit on.

...but I do have a great personality! smile


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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I saw something on Yahoo just a couple of days ago about this - apparantly some study concluded that an attractive wife/less attractive husband is the most stable kind of a marriage.

Supposedly, the wife is less likely to be interested in appearances, and more likely to value conversation, commitment, financial security, etc etc. At the same time, the less-attractive husband knows he is unlikely to ever find someone to compare to his wife, and consequently works hard to keep her happy.

Something like that, anyway.


Me: 41, INFP
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I've always taught my D17 to not be swayed by a boy's good looks, because in most cases, he: gets girls easily, gets treated better by the teachers, has a bigger ego because of his looks, and is generally reminded more about his looks rather than his personality. I told her less attractive boys will be more likely to be thoughtful, thinking about the other person, having to work harder to get what he wants and thus appreciates everything he has - including having a pretty girfriend like her - and is less likely to be selfish or self-serving.

The last boy she dated she'd been friends with him last year and kept telling me how cute he was. I finally meet him, and OMG, the poor guy was one of the...ok I'll say it...ugliest kids I'd ever met. Turns out he was abusive, which often means they have an incredible personality when they're trying to win you over, know all the tricks...so when she saw cute, she really saw that fake personality he was using. Luckily, she found out soon what he was like and left him. And now, when she talks about him, she says 'I can't believe I ever thought he was cute! Especially now that I know the real him, which is even uglier than the outside.' (he's still hassling her, 8 months later)

So imagine my surprise when the latest guy she's made friends with was really adorable. I mean model pretty. And I realized he was the first really good-looking guy she's ever dated! And yes, she spends time thinking about all the other girls who drool over him, so there is merit in that theory.

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Originally Posted by gabagool
Nah,

Not once you are an adult. Looks may be important to woman as youngsters but as they grow older...........

Your hubbys personality is WAY more of a magnet to an affair than his looks. And if he is in a position of power and influence....FORGET IT. Power and infLuence, along with some income, is to woman what a low cut top and miniskirt is to men.

But, in reality, it really doesn't matter HOW HANDSOME, HOW OUTGOING, HOW CONFIDENT, HOW MUCH MONEY AND HOW MUCH INFLUENCE your hubby has. These traits ONLY guarantee he will get ATTENTION. An affair is a result of ONE trait......WEAKNESS OF CHARACTER. Thats it. Be the best wife you can be, fill his ENS, and you can rest assured that YOU are the best person you can be. If that fails, his WEAKNESSES are to blame, not his STRENGTHS.
***************************************

Great Post!

The only thing I (personally) disagree with... but I know it rings true for others, is that power and influence along w/ income, is to a woman what a low cut top and mini skirt is to a man.
*I* would say that how you described his ability to pay attention and make whoever (particularly a woman) he is talking to feel heard and respected (admired) will draw more women to him than his looks or his money and power.

In the end it still come down to the same thing ....weakness of character and a poor values system allowed him to have the affair and I hope he realizes that and is working on his personal boundaries.

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Originally Posted by gabagool
Nah,

Not once you are an adult. Looks may be important to woman as youngsters but as they grow older...........

Your hubbys personality is WAY more of a magnet to an affair than his looks. And if he is in a position of power and influence....FORGET IT. Power and infLuence, along with some income, is to woman what a low cut top and miniskirt is to men.

But, in reality, it really doesn't matter HOW HANDSOME, HOW OUTGOING, HOW CONFIDENT, HOW MUCH MONEY AND HOW MUCH INFLUENCE your hubby has. These traits ONLY guarantee he will get ATTENTION. An affair is a result of ONE trait......WEAKNESS OF CHARACTER. Thats it. Be the best wife you can be, fill his ENS, and you can rest assured that YOU are the best person you can be. If that fails, his WEAKNESSES are to blame, not his STRENGTHS.

I have to say...I agree 100%. I find myself doing that frequently with your posts.

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Originally Posted by nia17
In the end it still come down to the same thing ....weakness of character and a poor values system him to have the affair and I hope he realizes that and is working on his personal boundaries.

I don't think he realizes this yet. We just re-established NC March 28th and then took a week long family vacation with no computers or cell phones. So we are still early and I really don't even qualify us as in recovery just yet. He is too foggy. It was a strong EA and PA affair. He has apologized but also has justified it by "his needs were not being met".

I'm hoping with time and forever NC that he can see what caused him to risk everything that was good in his life.

I started this as a light hearted post but there have been some excellent reminders of the real problem.

This quote is going to stay with me. thank you.
"Be the best wife you can be, fill his ENS, and you can rest assured that YOU are the best person you can be. If that fails, his WEAKNESSES are to blame, not his STRENGTHS."



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Balin,


Quote
It was entirely 100% her fault in the A, but she was constantly drooled over by lots of older men at her workplace. It does make the trust issue harder to deal with now.



It's not the OP's morality that the BS needs to worry about.

It is ALWAYS(100%)the WS's morality that comes into question


Divorced:
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You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Interesting topic. My father told me, when I was a young teen: "Never date the ugly ones, and never sleep with the school slut, because once the other women find out about it, they won't want anything to do with you!" Thanks Dad. . .

Anyhow! My W is very attractive, I don't think she really thinks so, but she is. I know that she gets alot of attention from men, in the past, and I hope now, that has never been an issue. It all boils down to character and boundary protection. It really isn't hard to deflect someone's interest if you are cognizant of the need to do so.

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All you have to do is watch Jerry Springer and you can see that ugly people cheat too.

I did think that if my husband I did not recovery our marriage that I would not date such an attractive man in the future. My husband is tall, handsome, and very carismatic.

However, I realized that my thinking was messed up if I thought that a man was more likely to cheat because he is attractive. Afterall, I am just as attractive as he is and I did not cheat.





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FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
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One thing about looks is that they fade away with age. Relationships based on looks alone are built on sand. When a person with looks has no character, they're just as ugly to me as an ugly person with no character. Something about their "aura" (for lack of a better word) cancels out their good looks.

My husband is also a good looking man and attracts attention wherever we go (even at his age!) because people always think he's somebody famous. During his affair, he lost that "glow" he always had and just looked worn out. (Guilt does that.)

Now that we're recovered and my FWH has rededicated his life to me and to God, he's even more beautiful to me than he's ever been. He's also a man of character more now than ever and it shows.



Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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quote:My husband is also a good looking man and attracts attention wherever we go (even at his age!) because people always think he's somebody famous. During his affair, he lost that "glow" he always had and just looked worn out. (Guilt does that.)


Ahh, i understand. my H was very handsome, now he just looks worn out and old. I couldnt work it out when i saw him after a 2 week absence.


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someone mentioned the yahoo article? i had actually posted that article a few weeks back on the after divorce/dating forum. we are all still commenting on it there!

i have been told before that some men are intimidated by my looks. that they think they "couldn't have someone like me". like me? yes, i take a lot of pride in my appearance but i am a very kind hearted loving person. but i guess i don't always come across that way. i do not tend to choose men who are as "high maintenance" as i am. i would rather have an average looking guy that was genuine and loving and caring and LOYAL and TRUSTWORTHY than a great looking guy who was none of those things.

it comes down to character as others have said. no matter what you look like you just have got to have character and morals and values. bottom line.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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Originally Posted by Victoria38
All you have to do is watch Jerry Springer and you can see that ugly people cheat too.

What a great point! That always brings horrible images to my mind.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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