My WH and I are 2 weeks into recovery and I feel totally dishillusioned by all of this.

For those of you who dont know my story I will break it down quickly. WH met a girl in another state of australia on the net and they started an EA when I discovered it I moved out of the house and that was back in Nov 07. Prioir to this he had not worked for sometime and it was putting a huge strain on us financially and emotionally and I do believe he was in a deep depression.

In the past month WH was offered a very good job in another state and he has accepted and he left yesterday I will be joining him in a few weeks. I have lose ends to tie up here first as they needed him to start ASAP.

Well last night my curiosity got the better of me and I hacked into our computer and into his hotmail account...... I am unsure if this was a good or a bad idea.

I now have her full name which is a bonus I can now try and contact her partner and expose to him.

Well I now know it was more than an EA and he did go over there for a weekend and he met with her and had sex with her. But that was four months ago and he hasnt seen her since they have stayed in contact via email and phone since.

It seems like it was very one sided as he kept saying he was going to move over there and she kept fobbing him off the email trail was as follows....
NOV 07 - when they met and went on about how fabulous it was
DEC 07 - he says to her is moving over there and she says no I have been offered a job in england and I am considering it (I believe this was smoke screen # 1)
JAN 08 - She doesnt take job and then she is going to move over here but that falls through because she has family issues (smoke screen # 2)
FEB 08 - I find MB and put plan A into play and start to agree with him and basically tell him to do what ever he likes. Which he is amazed and angered by all at once.
FEB 08 - he sends her a long winded email professing his love and that he is looking for work in her state and has looked at houses to and will be over there ASAP.
She then responds with news of her pregnancy to her ex (she has told my WH he is an ex but I dont believe that for a second) and that she must keep this baby and needs to severe contact with him BLAH BLAH BLAH.
MAR 08 - he is mad now and starts responding to her the way he has been treating me with absolute comtempt. Tells her he is taking the job interstate and she can do whatever she wants etc.
MAR 08 - he starts to respond to me and I move back in the house.

As I said before he left for the new job yesterday and I am supposed to be leaving in 5 weeks to join him. I dont know what to do now he has lied to me so much and I am so hurt and distraught by all of this. I know there are issues that I need to address about myself and I am doing that so he can see I am strong and independant. But this is a major LB for me he told me they never met yet he has had sex with her...... it has been lie after lie after lie.

the last email he sent her said he was leaving for VIC and she would only be able to contact him via phone so he is still looking for it. The fog is so thick.

When will he come out of the fog and grow the hell up. Cant he see she doesnt want him and I do????

Hope you will hurry up and tie up those loose ends. It is not a good idea to be apart right after an affair. You need to be with him to meet each other's needs and to work on recovery. I would NOT count myself in recovery while he is still lying to you. But don't be too alarmed because it is very common.

How long have you two been married?

And I WOULD notify her partner of the affair.

We have been married for 4 years together for 7.

I will be over there in 4 weeks, but I am so stressed that he will strike up contact with her again in the mean time. He has agreed to getting rid of the computer and he is making an effort. My main concerns are as follows....

• He is just using me as a rebound wife and he will think it is ok to behave like this whenever he likes cause I will be his doormat.
  

We will be living on the farm where he is working and he will have young girls in his employ and I will be forever wondering if he is up to something.

• I am unsure if I can trust him ever again.
  
  I was wondering if it was common for him to keep lying to me. The thing that has cut me more than anything was in one of the emails prior to xmas he used my money to buy her a necklace for xmas and sent it to her. That has hurt me more than the infidelity I feel totally violated that he has never done anything romantic like that for me. So it makes me feel like all I am to him is the support and fixer and nothing else.
  
  I want to notify her partner of the affair but a close friend who was in the same situation and told the OWs partner told me not to do it cause it destroyed any chance of the 2 of them sorting through stuff.
  
  I am so damn confused the only thing I do know is I have to get over there to him and quickly but 4 weeks is as quick as I can do it as I need to give 4 weeks notice in my job.
  
  Should I keep going with plan A in the mean time??

Yes, keep doing Plan A. And he may try to contact her. But that happens too. It will be extra protection if you tell her partner.

Also, working with young girls is NOT what he should be doing. He has a problem with marriage vows and boundaries.

I suggest that you keep reading here and learn how to get an affair proof marriage.

I am reading like crazy and trying to do the CARROT & STICK method as best as I can.

I am hopeful that he sees her for the loser that she is.

His mum is taking our computer so it doesnt have to go with us and he agreed to that which is a big forward step cause if I had said that 2 months ago he would have lost it at me.

I will keep posting with progress reports.

Ok I need some advice and quickly as he is in withdrawal and it is making me crazy.

He sent her a text msg a couple of days ago and I have no idea if she has contacted him back I only got that info from the phone company doing my daily snooping and he hadnt been in touch with her for quite sometime in between.

I need advice on the following points -


[list]
[*]I read all the emails that went back and forward between them I know everything. I know they met, I know they had touchey feely, and I know they professed their undying love for each other over and over again. WH has no idea that I have this info!!!


[list]
[*]She ended the A with him cause she is apparently pregnant to her partner/husband who knows what he is (I know it isnt my WHs cause she is in another state and the time frame doesnt match up) I have a major concern that if she had not ended it he would not have gotten back with me.


[list]
[*]I feel totally uncomfortable about even bringing the situation up with him cause he is in withdrawal and his moods are all over the place.


[list]
[*]Am I wrong in wanting to continue with this marriage when the A obviously isnt over for him if he is sending her random text messages and I have no way of knowing if she is calling him as I do not have access to incoming calls to the phone.

I just want the hurt and the pain to go away. I want some sort of clarity in this situation. Whenever I feel like I am forging ahead and making progress something happens to rake me right back to square one.

I badly want to get in contact with her partner/husband whatever and I have tried every avenue to find out the info I need to no avail. I need for him to write a NC letter but I have absolutely no idea how to get him to do that????????

I am so over the rollar coaster and I just want to get off. At this point my family and his think I am insane for even bothering and I detest the fact that no one is prepared to confront him or call him out on his behaviour..... I can feel Plan FU coming on and that scares the crap out me HELP PLEASE!!!!!!

I have heard of plan A, B, and D.
What is plan FU?
Or can i guess that is is milking shed language?

nztamie - Plan FU is in the same category as SNAFU and FUBAR, it you are familiar with those terms, used frequently in the military.

alltohard - I am making the assumption that you want advice because you have decided that you want to remain married to him despite what he has done and the enormous pain that you are feeling. Since that is your objective, I will base my comments on that assumption.



Others may disagree with me on this, but I think you should NOT disclose to your husband the information you have, at least not until much later. Right now you need an information source because ALL Wayward Spouse WILL lie and attempt to twist the truth, and you need to know the truth. Do not let him know your "source" of your information, but you need to be able to "check" on his statements to see if he is telling you the truth or still lying.



Your concern is valid. That's a fact of adultery, and it leads to the "second choice" feelings expressed by most Faithful Spouses as they look at recovery rather than divorce.



In withdrawal, ALL the WS thinks about is THEIR own anger and hurt about the "loss" of their OP. In other words, "he got dumped" by her. Gee....a taste of what they have been doing to their own spouse. No sympathy here, just a word of caution to you that during withdrawal, nothing you do will "have an impact." You may want to hold off on relationship and affair related talks until he gets through withdrawal (the intense phase usually lasts about 2 to 4 weeks, but the withdrawal symptoms will last for a long time). After the intense phase, they will be able to begin to hear and discuss with you.



No, you are not "wrong" in wanting to continue with your marriage. Destablizing the affair has happened because the OW ended it. But unlike his choice to engage in adultery wherein you had no choice in his decision, NOW "the shoe is on the other foot" and he had no choice in her decision to end the affair, and a wierd as it may sound he now "feels" betrayed. He has not yet made the connection that it is exactly what he did to you.



I wish there was a way to make the pain go away, but there isn't. You can, if your emotions are overwhelming you, get on some anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication and it will help you to smooth out the swings and be able to think clearly and rationally.

This is the roller coaster that all of us Betrayed Spouses are on. It IS "unfair," but as the saying goes, "it goes with the turf." We have to recognize these feelings are going to happen and commit to "staying the course" toward our chosen objective of having first, a recovery effort and second, a recovered marriage "down the road."



No need to expose to her husband at this point. YOUR objective was to have the affair end (it has by her choice) and then to have an opportunity to recover your marriage. Your husband is still in withdrawal and not ready for recovery yet, so let's not get her husband in a potential mood to kick her out so she can go running back to your husband to help her through her pregnancy.

IF there is any indication of a response from her to your husband that might indicate a renewing of the affair, THEN expose to her husband immediately and "let the chips fall where they may."



You can't get him to write a NC letter because he has NOT chosen to end the affair and commit to recovery yet. WHEN he does, then you need to insist upon a No Contact letter to formally end their relationship and agree that she is out of your lives FOREVER.



Keep posting. This site is full of people who understand and have been through similar situations, unlike your family. Remember, this is YOUR marriage, not theirs, and YOU choose to recover or divorce. Here you will hear support for continuing your marriage and help through the "tough times" IF recovery is the choice you make. You will also hear support should you choose divorce, because making that choice is also your right based upon adultery.

God bless.

Yes I do still want to remain married to him I love him very much but he has hurt me so deeply it makes me want to throw up.

I have no intention of telling that I have discovered everything I know this is going to sound manipulative but I feel it is my trump card.

I know the second choice feelings are normal but I am really struggling with them immensely I feel totally used in every way shape and form. I am scared I can never let those feelings go and get back to some semblance of normality.

In withdrawal, ALL the WS thinks about is THEIR own anger and hurt about the "loss" of their OP. In other words, "he got dumped" by her. Gee....a taste of what they have been doing to their own spouse. No sympathy here, just a word of caution to you that during withdrawal, nothing you do will "have an impact." You may want to hold off on relationship and affair related talks until he gets through withdrawal (the intense phase usually lasts about 2 to 4 weeks, but the withdrawal symptoms will last for a long time). After the intense phase, they will be able to begin to hear and discuss with you.

Yes I am not discussing us in any way shape or form just keeping the conversations light and fun. Asking about his day, what he is up to etc. I made a decision that if he thinks it is all about him I will make it all about him and not fight him on it in some ways reverse it back and it seems to be working. Although it is very tough to have any idea of what mood I will get him in from one day to the next so I am just taking everyday as it comes and doing the best that I can.
I have an extraordinary older female friend who has been my rock through all of this and everything you guys have been saying she has already said, I wouldnt have gotten this far without her and now I have you guys too It is so hard to follow the right path when you dont have the support network that understands why you want to plough forward with your marriage even withthe heartache.

No, you are not "wrong" in wanting to continue with your marriage. Destablizing the affair has happened because the OW ended it. But unlike his choice to engage in adultery wherein you had no choice in his decision, NOW "the shoe is on the other foot" and he had no choice in her decision to end the affair, and a wierd as it may sound he now "feels" betrayed. He has not yet made the connection that it is exactly what he did to you.

I am trying to be sympathetic to the withdrawal but part of me wants to stick it to him and say 'GOT A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE HOW DOES IT FEEL??? ROTTEN I HOPE' But I know that is major LB so I am biting my tongue.

I am taking some anti-depressants unfortunately I cant take a full tablet as they make me really sick so I have been splitting a full tablet and taking it twice daily and it seems to be helping to keep me calm and level headed.

IF there is any indication of a response from her to your husband that might indicate a renewing of the affair, THEN expose to her husband immediately and "let the chips fall where they may."

So I need to continue trying to hunt him down then just in case???

I will hold off on the NC letter until he is past some of the withdrawal phase.

The only thing I do know at this stage is I need to get to our new place and be with him and make it the best damn home we have ever had together.

I spoke to him earlier and he wasnt in the best of moods and I hate having to walk on egg shells in case I say the wrong thing. I am glad she has done so much LB to him it is making it easier for me in some ways but my paranoia gets the better of me and it does scare me that I feel I have to check everything a billion times a day.

I miss the old life we had before the A. I miss my husband I dont know this Alien that I have before me and it is so sad that he cant see what he has done to me and how crushed I am. Perhaps he does see it he just doesnt care?????

How do I maintain the strength to stay positive and not LB when I am hurting so much???

By maintaining an intellectual grip on the OBJECTIVE (the Goal) that you have chosen to seek to achieve.

If you are a person of faith, then I'd also hold up the model of Jesus Christ, who endured all things to achieve the "objective" of reconciliation with sinners.

It HURTS, I know that, we all know that. The hurt is REAL and it can be INTENSE. But it won't last either when recovery is done with both spouses learning and growing. Feel free to vent your pain here, where we DO understand, but don't allow it to become a "weapon" so that "he can get a little taste of his own medicine," if you understand what I mean.

God bless.

He is so moody and sullen most of the time and its not like him he used to be such a happy go lucky person.

I worry that when he wrote to her in one of the emails he has never been happy in his whole life that he meant it and the whole time we have been together it has just been a facade.

I went out to dinner with a close friend last night and she told me to ignore the single text msg and that I need to remember he got hurt by this girl and just go with the flow and make myself look much more attractive to him than her by staying focused and true to myself.

I find this statement tough cause my self esteem is so low at the moment I have absolutely no idea how to remain true to myself.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated at this point.

Come on guys I need advice on how to cope when he is so moody

I also really need help in how I stay true to myself through all of this. How do I establish boundaries without it becoming the worlds biggest drama???

If there is no contact, withdrawal shouldn't last very long. The Harleys say 3 weeks or so. How long has there been no contact?

well from what I can gather the contact is very one sided and that is the thing that is ticking me off cause it is him trying to contact her.

He sent her a single text message a couple of days ago (he doesnt know I know this piece of info) prior to this message there had not been contact for about 2 weeks.

I have been trying to call her constantly and her phone always goes straight to her message bank so it isnt switched on. So that gives me some piece of mind that if I cant contact her neither can he.

I am struggling with the fact that at this point I am finding it tough to not feel good enough for him. I am the one that is putting in the effort yet he is still trying to contact someone who isnt interested.

I know the contact is minimal because he was sending her 200 - 300 odd messages a month plus emails (at presesnt he has no computer access and I shut down his email anyway. And he wont be having any computer access anytime soon that I can promise).

I still have a couple more weeks before I am over there with him and in some ways I am a little apprehensive about what to expect.

I just want my self esteem back, I want to be able to lay it on the line with him without feeling like he will walk away from me. How do I do it in a way that he will respond to??

Todays update -

He called me this ,orning and he sounded tired and the phone and silly me I happen to mention he sounded tired and was he ok??? Well that was a mistake he gave it to me. Started in about how I make assumptions of how he feels and he hates it when I do that. I tried in a rational and calm manner to explain to him that I only asked because I was concerned but it is like he really doesnt care????

Should I just put it down to withdrawal???? I know that withdrawal isnt easy and I understand that but if he keeps this attitude up he is going to push me right over the edge because I didnt cause this, I didnt ask for this and I certainly dont expect to have to be the one making his cheating [censored] feel better at this point. If anything he should be making me feel better!!!!!!!!!!

At no point has he said to me he loves me. I have tried to talk to him about it and I just hit a brick wall everytime which puts back to the place where I feel again like the booby prize. He believes he doesnt have to say anything to me that his actions should be enough - well his actions are saying lots of things but not that he wants to be with me.

I know there is no way I can know the answers to these questions at this point when he is one place and I am in another.

Can you guys please help me with a plan so I stop ripping my hair out.

My best advice is to start respecting yourself again. Finding out about As really takes a toll on your self-esteem. It makes you needy, clingy, uncertain - not attractive. Try to remind yourself that you and your life is just as important as his. Attend to his needs, but keep reassuring yourself that he will have to come around to what YOU need. Eventually the fog will life and he'll be horrified at what he did. Until then, it is up to you to be strong, to trust yourself, and - if I may say so - try to think of him as a little kid, who you have to guide to the right decision or path. You may get your H back, you may not. But no matter what, you have to start redirecting your focus onto yourself.

I have directed my focus on to him for so many years that I forget how to direct the focus back on to me.

what steps do I take to find my way home to myself, so I can gain the strength I need to get through this in one piece???

I have lost my trust not only in him but in humanity in some respects. I am scared of opening up to anyone now cause the fear of getting hurt again is so big it is a better defense to stay on guard all of the time.

Trust has been a massive issue for me all of my life because of the abuse I endured as a child/teen. The resentment that I feel for WH at the moment is huge because he is the only person other than my dad that I have given my trust to and he crushed it into a billion pieces and I dont believe he knows what that has done to me as a person.

I spoke to him earlier and he was foul again says he has a headache because the bed he is sleeping in is uncomfortable. I havent slept or eaten properly for 2 months yet I dont take it out on him........... I hope you are right catperson and when the fog lifts he is horrified by what he did, but if there is one thing I know about my H he is ultra proud so I doubt I will ever know.

At this point I just want to know what I should be doing for me so I can get stronger and find a safe place for me to be right now?????

alltohard I just got through reading your thread. I'm so sorry you are going thru this....brings back the horrible feelings.

IMO you're having a harder time because of the distance situation. VERY hard to Plan A someone when you aren't there. Just keep trying, ok?!

Keep in mind while Plan Aing YOU should not be a doormat! You can try to meet your H's EN's but don't allow him to beat you down so to speak. Excuse yourself from the conversation if that starts.

While you are still 'home' you can start thinking about your boundaries. What YOU want/need/expect from your M, what YOU will accept and what is definately unacceptable. This helped me tremendously with refocusing on ME. You are a worthy deserving person and YOU have to start feeling that way. Setting your boundaries helps!

Prepare yourself that your rollercoaster ride is just beginning.

I have to agree with your title...I didn't realize how hard working through an A is either. Praying the best for you!

I think you are right MVG the distance is making this so tough... only 3 weeks to go, I just have to hang in there.

Its so hard cause I have no idea if she is contacting him and there is no way he is going to tell me if she is. I just have to have faith in the lord that he has intervened and put an end to her contacting him.

Prior to this experience I was very much against christianity and everything it stood for as everyone I knew that was a christian left a bad taste in mouth because of how judgemental they can be....... then I found this website and I gave my heart to the lord. I havent joined a church yet there doesnt seem to be much point until I have moved to the new place but I have been watching the christian channel on cable and I have been reading the bible and praying constantly that the lord will bear my burden for me.

I have thought constantly about my boundaries and I know the most important thing for me is to feel safe and at the moment I dont feel safe because of the betrayal...... I having a hard time figuring out what the boundary is that I can put in place to make me feel safe again????

I know not having a computer is a good start and he didnt fight me on that one. The next one I guess is changing his phone number but I know he is going to put up a fight there.

I know only he can make the decision to right the NC letter and considering he is in withdrawal and we are not in the same place I feel now isnt the right time to ask. My hope is he will see the error of his ways and come to me about it all...... and I have faith in the lord that he will guide him in that direction I just have to be patient.

Yes if he seems overly grumpy and I make a point of telling him I will speak with him later. I know at the moment he is feeling really out of sorts as the house his work has given us to live is fairly empty at present (all our furniture is coming over with me in a couple of weeks). In a way I think this is the doing of the lord so that when all our stuff and me are in the same place as him he will appreciate what home is even more????

This whole situation has opened up a massive can of worms with my family and me and it stretches back to my abuse as a child. They think I am delusional and having a nervous breakdown because of what WH has done. The truth is what WH has done has made me realise I have been everyones doormat for too long and I finally faced them about my abuse as child and of course it was denied because as I was told it was so long ago I should have forgotten about it by now. So I dont have any support there they think my marital problems are the only problem I have and I should get rid of him and get on with my life!!!!

So at this stage I am leaning on close friends and my brother and sister in law who have been brilliant. My dad is there for me but he doesnt say much or want to get involved as he says it is between me and WH.

MVG would you mind telling me some of the boundaries that you put in place that helped you regain focus it would give me a great place to start....... oh and I really appreciate everyones advice it is hard to think logically when you are in this situation.