I gave him a letter last week telling him that as long as he still has a girlfriend and can't commit to healing our relationship, I agree that he has to move out and have minimal contact with me.

He's moving out to have his space-I can give him that. He knows I can't move forward with our relationship until the girlfriend is out of the picture.

What now? I've asked him for minimal contact while he's choosing to be living somewhere else. Of course, I'm hoping that he'll get his head straight and recommit to our marriage-he's giving me glimpses of that and knows he screwed up royally. Facts are though, she's still in the picture.

I started out reading His Needs, Her Needs and am in the middle of Surviving an Affair. We've shared what we've read in His Needs, Her Needs and can both see that there were things that we didn't do so great in our 28 year marriage. Not many, but apparently enough for him to 'just happen' in to someone elses bed.

I care about him, he cares about me. I think we both care about our marriage. His moving out is a necessary step-we both know it, but what are the 'rules?' I haven't been here before. Do I trust that there's enough of me in his Love Bank to maintain interest and a balance without future deposits while he gets his head together? Can he call me? Can we see each other? Can he come over and walk with me and the dog? Can we discuss sections in the books and how we relate to them?

The past two months (since he told me he has a GF) have been an emotional roller coaster. We spend time talking, gaining clarity and closeness, make love, and yet still, he has not cut off relations with the GF.

We actually celebrated a new job for me, and moving day for him last night with a wonderful 'date' and some wonderful lovemaking.

I'm helping him pack. I made sure he has TUMS and four rolls of toilet paper. He laughed, I laughed. He's gonna need 'em.

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you had to come here, but it is a great place for help in ending affairs and rebuilding broken marriages. Be paitent for responses, weekends can be slow at times.

First off on the side of the screen there are links to some of the concepts from Dr. Harley. A good place to start is with Love Busters. Look over the list and see if there are any that you have been doing. If so cut them. They are only going to make it harder to recover. Second read the Emotional needs. Everyone has them so look it over and see where you can start to work on your H.

Unfortuaninatly most of the work is going to be for you right now. It doesn't seem fair but that's the way it works.

Most often you would start with plan A. This is you becoming the best person and spouse you can. It is easier if you are still living together, but can still be done while seperate.

Have you told your children?

Have you told his parents?

Is OW married? Who have you exposed her to?

LOL! You still have your sense of humor, I see. That's WONDERFUL!

Well, I used to post here, quite a lot. Anyway, no, you can't let him have cake and eat it, too. That's using you, and you deserve better.

It sounds like you're in PlanA, where you are to meet his needs and let him cake eat for a little while (a couple of weeks), but you follow that with Plan B.

Have you specified what "minimal contact" means to him? If not, brainstorm and specify. You may need to have contact for the kids, if you have them, but the idea with PlanB (which is what you established with the letter) is about NOT meeting needs. However, there is no Love Busting (LBing) allowed, when you do see each other.

The goal is to get him to see what life would be like without you, to get his Other Woman (OW) and him to experience their fantasy relationship with all the demands real life places on it. It's also to preserve your self-respect and respect for him -- a plan to ensure safety.

Ah, I see you asking can he call and all that. Well, I think he should be on his own, so you can take the time to heal without him. Walking the dog...if he loves the dog, he can walk the dog, by himself. Treat the dog kind of like a child with shared custody and all, if you desire, but no, do not care for the dog together. If the dog gets sick or something important happens with him/her, though, do both be there for the dog. (This kind of sounds silly, but the advice is similar if you have children, but I'm assuming you don't.)

You will have to trust that you have enough in the Love Bank, yes, but there are things he will have to decide whether they are important or not.

If he decides to work on the marriage, do not accept him back without his having written and sent the OW (girlfriend/other woman) a No Contact letter. There also needs to be a plan for his showing you that there is and will be no contact.

Once you have enforced your Plan B, take care of yourself. Do things you've wanted to do, go to the gym, write a book, volunteer. I'll dig up a thread for you with a list of things you might do by Stellakat (another poster who is awesome with lists and motivation).

I hope this helps to get you started toward your own health and that your marriage will be restored in time.

It seems like you've read here, but I put in the acronyms (and repeated, sorry), just in case.

YIM

Here's the thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2043912#Post2043912

So, you are choosing to have sex with your H that has a GF? WHY?

People DIE from STD's. Plus you are making his cake eating way too easy. If you haven't exposed the hell out of this affair...do so now.

And you were celebrating your H moving out? What is that about?

The ONLY reason your H is moving out is so that he can have his affair without being bothered by his wife. Why are you making this so easy for him?

Quite honestly, i was wondering the same exact thing.

Making his moving a happy occasion, you might as well have just handed ow to him on a silver platter.

mlhb

Note to self: Don't post while distracted.

Did I mention that contact should be severely limited? Yes, maintain your good sense of humor--FOR YOURSELF! Not so that you help him take advantage of you.

I second the notions about STDs.

My 7th grade science teacher told us, "When you have sex with one person, you have sex with every person that person has had sex with."

EW!

The reason WS's move out is to continue their affair unimpeded. That is what they mean by moving out for "space".

If you have done a good Plan A for the last couple of months, I suggest Plan B.

By the way, have you exposed the affair to family and friends?

Thank you all for your replies, and I appreciate the to-do list. I agree that weekends are going to be difficult.

He left with his things about an hour ago. Strangely, I'm not a wreck, but he was.

Re: the std's-yes, that's the first thing I thought of, and I have a Dr. appointment next week. Fact here is, is that he had the nurse-GF for probably a month or so before he told me about it. We'd had sex in that time. Our revelation started out with him telling me that he hasn't been happy in a long time. It wasn't until two weeks after that, that he said there was someone else.

I'm not going to expose the affair just yet-I may never. I'm certainly not going to be the ones to tell my kids. They're winding up their college exams out of state and are under enough pressure as it is. Telling them this now, would serve no useful purpose that I can see. There is a trusted friend of his that I was hoping he'd confide in, and he did. This friend was visibly dissapointed in WH, and told him he'd had a similar experience early on in his own marriage. He told WH that he needs to take some time, figure out what is really going on, get his s#it straight, and get back in to the marriage.

You asked why we're celebrating him moving out. *I* celebrate it because for us, it is a necessary step to get us either on the road to recovery together as a couple, or not. It's a step out of LIMBO, which is where we've been for the past two months and I can't STAY anymore. I won't allow him to stay there either.

This whole GF thing caught me totally offguard. I've read His Needs, Her Needs, and he is reading it now. We've discussed many of the points in the book together. He has realized that he started choosing to shut me out quite a while ago, resulting in many short comings for both of us. We've had some really good conversations-heart to hearts that we probably wouldn't have had if he hadn't had this affair. If we get back together, this affair will have turned into one of the best things to strengthen our marriage. How ironic is that?

This GF thing is totally out of character for him. For over thirty years that I've known him, he's always been the good guy, the do the right thing guy, the guy who has high expectations and respect and is able to raise the bar to those around him. The guy who knows right from wrong.

It's odd, and sad, that for me, this affair has made us both more aware of how we let each other slip away. He had major job stresses that he AND I have been dealing with for the past five years. I attributed much of his 'lack of fill in the blank' to stress with his job. I should have called him to the mat on how he was making that job a priority, and not me. I allowed myself to be put second. We both see that now-we see a lot of things now.

Another long story-short: we moved from NY to SC just over a year ago. He got a good job opportunity-one that we were hoping would nip that job stress in the bud. I don't have family here or a support group. The job I have now is about an hour away and only part time at this point, so very small chance to develop friendships. The job I just got will start in a couple of months, is full-time and is closer to my home. I'm hoping to get frienships and a feeling of a support group established.

I think we have our guidelines established. Basically, we're not going to be in touch this week. We did find that discussing parts of the Harley's books helped both of us. We each have our own copies so if there is anything we want to discuss with each other about the book, there's email.

Whatever is screwing up his head, he needs space to sort it out. I told him I'm willing to give him space-I can completely understand the need for the feeling to just step off the planet for a bit. He told me that this apartment isn't going to be place he wants to share-with me or the GF. He just needs his space right now, and right now, I believe him. (Besides, I doubt that the GF would be impressed with the inflatable mattress, but me, on the other hand, now that I'm in my sexual prime, well--never say never.... lol!)

The manner in which you are handling this is assuring that your husband will continue his affair. You are handing him over on a silver platter. There is not a single thing in your approach that will result in success. I am sorry to say that...but we have seen this a million times.

You say you have read some of Harley's material...yet, you are doing everything the opposite of what the doctor suggests.

If you wish to learn how to save your marriage, this is the place to be. If you want anyone to tell you that you are doing a good job and offer support for a bad plan...you are sincerely in the wrong place.

I wish you luck as based on your current actions, you will need a lot of it.

OK, well, Dr. Harley says that before a BS goes into Plan B, their WS should be left with the best possible impression of them and their Plan A. This gives the WS something to think about when Plan B is implemented....


That is most of it in a nutshell. Notice that Dr Harley says "Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery."

That means NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. As long as you continue to give in even a little bit, you are helping him continue his A, because he is still getting his little fix from you and the ENs you provide...

The other thing that has been asked by some is...WHO HAVE YOU EXPOSED TO?? Your kids need to know IMMEDIATELY, they are certainly old enough. I would also tell the lover's spouse if she has one. Tell his and your parents if they are still with us, and only if they can help...not to be rude, but if they are very elderly and/or ailing health, they cannot "help" you end the A by putting pressure on your WH. THAT is the goal of exposure...to take away the secrecy allure/illicit nature of the A and shine the light on their stinky pile of [censored] relationship...and also to tell people who can HELP END THE A. People that have influence on your WH who will tell him what a huge mistake he is making.

But you have done a great Plan A from what you have written and have given him every opportunity to do the right thing. Now it is time to shine the light on the A and turn the lights off on his ability to see or speak to you. I know it is scary, but it is your best chance. He has been cake-eating and ABUSING you for some time. Time to get TOUGH and protect the love that you have left for him in case he does decide to do the right thing!!

Good luck to you!

In my many years on this board, I have never read a story where a WS claiming they "Need Space" to mean anythng other than "I want to be with the OP unimpeded" regardless of their claims to the contrary. And there have been thousands.

As LaLa wrote, you seem to have a solid Plan A under your belt. I would advise Plan B now, and start it with a Plan B letter. We can help you with that.

BTW: You are as much emeshed in your needs being met by your WH as he is by you. Plan B won't be easy to get use to, you'll "naturally" want to be in contact to some degree and find excuses that you should. DON'T! Come here for support and we'll help you with that also.

If you find yourself wondering if something is within the boundaries of Plan B, ask yourself one question "Am I meeting his needs if I do this?". If the answer is "yes", then you don't do it.

God Bless,
Jo

If you have done a good Plan A, and have left him with really good memories of your last night together, then a good Plan B may be the next step.

But Plan B means absolutely no contact. The idea is (IIRC) to cut off the supply of "you" and whatever ENs you meet; instead of cake-eating, he will have to turn to the OW for ALL the needs, even the every-day hum-drum unromantic ones. To pop the fantasy bubble. If there is to be any LBing, let the OW do it. You've left a good memory, now don't do anything to tarnish it, and don't do anything to satisfy his need for a "fix" of you.

If you are only doing this for a week and then will communicate with each other, will it serve the Plan B purposes? I don't know, maybe someone else will comment on that.

Plan B is also entered into to protect your remaining love, after you can't stand Plan A anymore. It's also about becoming the best you you can be. Do you have plans to work on yourself, to improve and have fun and not just wait around for his return?

"Whatever is screwing up his head, he needs space to sort it out. I told him I'm willing to give him space-I can completely understand the need for the feeling to just step off the planet for a bit. He told me that this apartment isn't going to be place he wants to share-with me or the GF"

LOL - If you believe that "something" is screwing up his head, you are in a fog of your own. I will put it down as the stress of finding all of this out. The only thing that is screwing up his head is his girlfriend.

You seem to think he is immune and will do the right thing. Believe me, an affair is an addiction, and your hubby will act just like a heroin addict to keep his fix.

My ex was a good man. We were leaders in our church. I loved him because he was honorable and an example for others. When he started his affair, all of that went out the window. He stayed gone for over 4 years. Only when the affair ended, (2 weeks after our divorce) did I see my real husband pop up again.

You need to do some reading here. Exposure needs to be done. Your kids need to know - though you could wait till after finals.

I hope that you will realize that hubby is not your friend. He is not himself. Please take action to save your marriage.

And if these warnings don't ring true for you, drive by his place over the next couple of days. I guarantee the OW will be there. So much for space.

Given his age and job stress plus a move, you might want to read up on the male Mid Life Crisis. Now as far as Nancy Nurse goes, I would have a talk with her and you TELL her a few things. Don't ask her anything cause waywards lie. Tell her what a wonderful goodbye you had with her boyfriend. Let the LB's bergin on her side. She won't trust him out of her sight, if there is such a thing as trust among waywards. Also let her know how your kids will revile her and never accept her. Just a little FYI for her, thats all. You are in fight for your marriage. Your WH put you into a competition you didn't ask to be in. You are NOT required to be nice to a homewrecking Ho.
This is just what I did do and for me it was effective.
GF

Yes. Listen to believer.

The driving by his place, that's excellent advice.

I was surprised people weren't telling you to expose the A also, but I wasn't going to say anything if no one else thought to. But I think you asked, what would be the purpose of exposure. At least one purpose is to create as much static for the A as possible. Let his family know, let his friends know, anyone whose opinion he values. If it matters at his work, let those people know.

You want to make it difficult for him to continue the A.

But... shouldn't this have been done in Plan A? Is it too late once Plan B has begun? Maybe not.

Others like MEDC and Believer have given you good advice.

I only wanted to add that your story made me think of a friend of mine who found out about her H's A about five years ago. They did the dance that the two of you are doing for about the next 3.5 years...in which she enabled her WH's cake-eating. She did Plan Doormat...no exposure...no boundaries...

Now they are embroiled in a nasty divorce and her WH is now engaged to the OW.

When I told her about my FWH's EA and how I found MBers...she said "I wish I had known about that."

You are lucky. You have found MB and you have those here willing to help you work the plans. Maybe if you need more convincing, you should call the Harleys. Good luck.

Hi again Marie,

You mentioned having SF with your WS during his affair while in Plan A. I know a couple folks on this thread mentioned what a bad idea that may have been where you could have exposed yourself to life threatening STDs. Hopefully you've decided it's time for Plan B and SF with your WH will no longer be an issue.

In the meantime, I would strongly suggest you see your doctor for STD testing. Inform him/her of the situation so they know what to test for. Then in six months have another one done, or whatever your physician suggests.

Your health is everything. Believe me when I tell you serious illnesses from untreated STDs doesn't happen just to "other people". To think so is "teenage" mentality.

Please take good care of yourself during this stressful time in your life.

We're here for you.

Jo