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DS19 is getting married next weekend. He has told WSTBXH not to bring OW. There was some arguments over this earlier on but WSTBXH seemed to have relented to the fact that it is DS's day and had agreed not to bring her. I have been seeing a guy on and off for several months now. DS agreed to let me bring him as a date, in fact encouraged it. He understands that it doesn't mean I am any more accepting of OW. He knows the event will (and already is) causing me a great deal of distress in part due to the increased contact with WSTBXH in finalizing plans. Today, WSTBXH found out I was bringing someone and called me at work to rip my head off.

It was hard to get a word in edgewise but I tried to explain that my BF is nothing at all like OW. For example, I didn't start screwing him while I was still married. I tried to explain that he and OW hurt many people including DS who really doesn't want the homewrecking w**** at his wedding either. BF is just a guy that had nothing to do with the breakdown of our family. WSTBXH said it was a double standard and it wasn't fair.

WSTBXH also screamed at me because he found out through DS. Apparently, I was supposed to tell him myself. Does he really think I owe him any explanation of anything I do at all? He left me. He couldn't wait to leave me. He took his name off all of our joint possessions and left me in the cold. Now suddenly I'm supposed to consult with him about who to see and where I can and can't bring them?

Tell me I'm not going crazy! There is a big, make that HUGE difference in me bringing a date to the wedding - a guy who didn't come into the picture until long after WSTBX left it, and WSTBXH bringing OW!!!! To DS's wedding!!! AS in MARRIAGE; VOWS - all of those things neither one of them respect anyway!!!!

Am I wrong?

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 Originally Posted By: Tabby1
DS19 is getting married next weekend. He has told WSTBXH not to bring OW. There was some arguments over this earlier on but WSTBXH seemed to have relented to the fact that it is DS's day and had agreed not to bring her. I have been seeing a guy on and off for several months now. DS agreed to let me bring him as a date, in fact encouraged it. He understands that it doesn't mean I am any more accepting of OW. He knows the event will (and already is) causing me a great deal of distress in part due to the increased contact with WSTBXH in finalizing plans. Today, WSTBXH found out I was bringing someone and called me at work to rip my head off.

It was hard to get a word in edgewise but I tried to explain that my BF is nothing at all like OW. For example, I didn't start screwing him while I was still married. I tried to explain that he and OW hurt many people including DS who really doesn't want the homewrecking w**** at his wedding either. BF is just a guy that had nothing to do with the breakdown of our family. WSTBXH said it was a double standard and it wasn't fair.

WSTBXH also screamed at me because he found out through DS. Apparently, I was supposed to tell him myself. Does he really think I owe him any explanation of anything I do at all? He left me. He couldn't wait to leave me. He took his name off all of our joint possessions and left me in the cold. Now suddenly I'm supposed to consult with him about who to see and where I can and can't bring them?

Tell me I'm not going crazy! There is a big, make that HUGE difference in me bringing a date to the wedding - a guy who didn't come into the picture until long after WSTBX left it, and WSTBXH bringing OW!!!! To DS's wedding!!! AS in MARRIAGE; VOWS - all of those things neither one of them respect anyway!!!!

Am I wrong?


The thing is, if your husband tried to use the argument, "The marriage was already over, except for the paperwork." you likely would reject that argument.

Now you are using the same argument, the marriage is over, except waiting for the divorce to be final to justify your OM.

It's an inconsistency, and regardless how wayward your husband is, for you to say he's wrong for doing what he did/is doing, but to try to justify what you are doing is a double-standard.

So to me, if there is a difference, it's not worth mentioning, it's practically the same thing your husband did.

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My WSTBXH screwed OW while I was under the impression that I was happily married. He probably would have been content to continue this as just an A except that OWH found out and threw her out. At that point, he had to chose between me and her. This was the point in time that I found out. He moved in with her immediately and has been living with her ever since. DS and I have been left struggling with the pieces of our former lives - him trying to go through school, me trying to pay for it etc. In fact, I'm sure this rush for him to get married is part of it but that's another issue.

DS does not want OW at his wedding. She broke up his family. I don't want OW at the wedding either. She broke up my family. WSTBXH also broke up our family but seeing he is dad so despite his actions, DS wants him there.

BF didn't enter into the picture until after everything was settled. We don't live together. We just do stuff together. He is a companion. He is more of a very good friend than anything. There has been no sneaking around. He has met my whole family including DS. WSTBXH was aware we were seeing each other. He is coming to the wedding as my date, not as my common law partner and certain NOT as the homewrecker of the groom.

So I see this as very different. I even tried to tell WSTBXH while he was screaming at me that he is more than welcome to bring a date - just not OW!!!

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Then why did you ask? It appears that your mind is already made up!

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Tabby,
You have every right to be angry. But, the point is that your DS has every right to ask that OW not be there. If your Ds does not want her there then your EX should respect that. I believe that he will not be able to see this clearly as he's not thinking with the brain situated on his shoulders.


Me 44, H 42, DS 16, DS 13
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 Originally Posted By: Tabby1
DS19 is getting married next weekend. He has told WSTBXH not to bring OW. There was some arguments over this earlier on but WSTBXH seemed to have relented to the fact that it is DS's day and had agreed not to bring her.


The key here is that it is DS's day. JMO, but it looks to me like you and STBX are making about the two of you.

DS controls the guest list, I assume. If he does not want OW there, she doesn't go. If he wants your BF there, he goes.

Stinks for your STBXH, but the "fairness" of the sitch does not apply here. It's what your DS wants.

BOTH of you need to respect that.

I have been in your DS's shoes more times than I care to imagine. It didn't end until my Dad died.

Namaste


Do or not Do, there is no try.
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You guys are perfectly correct about DS having the right to say who comes and who doesn't. OW is extremely jealous of everybody WSTBX comes in contact with, including DS. It has put a major strain on their relationship (WSTBX and DS's). I believe it's possible she told WSTBX he couldn't even go to the wedding unless she was there as well. I don't think it's jealousy of me - she has either limited or infringed upon every minute WSTBX spends with DS. DS and future DIL are paying for the wedding. The attendees will include my side of the family, close family friends and WSTBX's brother all who were disgusted with WSTBX for what he did. He's not just throwing OW in my face, but theirs as well. DS knows this and doesn't want a scene to erupt (some of these peopel are known to speak their mind). He also doesn't want the woman who ripped apart his family at this important event in his life.

WSTBX sees it differently. He think because he is "in love" we should all be happy for him - even me!! He refuses to acknowledge the hurt he caused the rest of them and any mention of that is turned around on me - since I must have brainwashed them or something. So this sudden realization that I am allowed to bring a date and he is not is viewed by him as "unfair". He's actually allowed to bring a date if he wants - just not OW.

It makes my head spin that after all this time he still can't see what is going on.

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My thoughts are I don't see how one can say on one hand that marriage is a sacred vow and then take a date to a wedding when they are still married to another person.

Second, imagine the potential trouble if your husband is there and there you are with your date and he tells folks that you are his wife.

So, to the un-initiated, he's there alone and you have a date. Right or wrong, there will be those who draw the conclusion that you have wronged him.

In so many ways, taking a date to your son's wedding while still married to his father is potential trouble.

Regardless what your husband has done, if you really want to honor marriage and make things about your son, don't take a date to his wedding while you are still married to his father.

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Vent acknowledged and I agree that OW should not be there.
But I'm with EE on the date issue. You are still married, until you are divorced.
Keep it simple. Enjoy your son's special day without a date.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
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first of all your son has the say as to who does and does not come to HIS wedding.

second of all you are legally separated. date all you want. LEGALLY SEPARATED. in the eyes of the law you are free to date.

thirdly, your stbxh had no right to call you at work yelling at you. i would have hung up the phone on him. you don't have to explain anything to him. when you engage him you encourage him to run his mouth more. he wants you to engage in the conversation. don't give him the satisfaction.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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I have to respectfully agree that there is a BIG difference between a betrayal of an unknowing spouse and moving on when a spouse has left you for another person. I respect the opinions of those who see no difference, but I don't agree. If my wife had had the respect for me to tell me she was leaving me before her affair, I would have been hurt but not felt betrayed. But I think everyone is agreeing that it is the son's day and his choice.

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 Quote:
So I see this as very different.




If I understood correctly, I agree. It is very different.


I would also add that the grooms--along with his brides-- choices as to who attends should be paramount. Their guest list should be the end of the argument.

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How many months is several, Tabby?

I might seriously reconsider the date deal. First, weddings put pressure on people. If it's been 9 months and you're kinda serious, a wedding can scare a man. Also, you'll want to be able to talk with the other guests, and it's a pain to be introducing someone.

If your STBX says once more that it's not fair, I'd quietly point out that you learned life wasn't fair when he left you for OW. Then hang up or walk away.


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If your STBX says once more that it's not fair, I'd quietly point out that you learned life wasn't fair when he left you for OW. Then hang up or walk away.

Oh Green......Thats goooood.........thats REAL good........I love that!

I agree with EE that marriage is sacred. BUT, the fact that you had NOTHING to do with your husbands nauseating ways, your date came around AFTER LEGAL SEPERATION......well, I'll take my chances explaining that to the big man up stairs. I REALLY think he will understand.

And if your STBX cries again, tell him to stop being a *****. But, I hope you realize one thing:

Your husband WONT think TWICE of screwing up your kids wedding. After all, he thought NOTHING about screwing up his families LIFE.

So, you MIGHT want to do what is best for your sons big day.
BUt spike your husbands drink with visine, AT LEAST!!!

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Thanks for your responses. It is giving me something to think about. My date is coming to support me. DS thought it would help me to have this support, especially when facing WSTBX and his family (even though his 2 brothers have been very supportive of me through this whole thing), which is how it came to this in the first place. The date is not a total stranger. He knows everyone from my family and my close friends who are coming, the bride and groom and even WSTBX. But I see the point about appearances as well. I'll have to think about that.

On the other hand, now that WSTBX knows about it and has thrown his hissy-fit over it, if I show up without a date won't it look like he got through to me? I would hate to give him any reason to think that type of behavoir actually works.

BTW, I love this idea:

BUt spike your husbands drink with visine, AT LEAST!!!

I was considering this anyway since earlier in the week, WSTBX was threatening to create havoc if my best friend "stepped out of line" at the wedding (she is known to speak her mind and he's obviously afraid of her). Yes, there is an extremely good chance he'll say or do something to ruin DS's day. This was partly why I wanted my date to come in the first place just to prevent me from saying/doing anything to set him off. I need to have a big heart to heart with DS and prepare him for the worst (we've had a couple of these but the timing is getting close and WSTBX hasn't shown any signs of growing up yet).

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Sorry...ugly response here.

I think that either of you bringing a date to your son's wedding/reception while you are still married is not only inappropriate, it is also classless.

Both of you should stop being so selfish and set a better example for your son.

Each of you should go solo and put your differences aside for the day (his day). You are his parents. Act like it. Your attention should be on your son and his wedding day, not your dates. They would be nothing but a distraction from the real attraction which is your son and his new bride.

Your son does not need to see your respective dates in his wedding photos for years to come. It would be so much more special to see mom and dad.

Your date/his OW should not even be a fragment of a memory of your DS's wedding day, especially since neither of them are likely to be around for a very long time.


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Better an ugly response here than among my friends and family. Thanks for the thoughts. There are obviously layers of complexities to this. I'm not sure what I'll end up doing. I'm starting to feel resentful that DS decided to rush ahead with this wedding. It has brought out more issues that just his youth and lack of stability which were my main concerns when he first announced it.

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I have to completely agree with ba109.

It's about your son, not who needs support. Your son needs support without seeing his Mom or Dad that are still married toting "friends" around. You seem to be rationalizing what your H did as grounds for you to do certain things that are not right. I can't tell whether you are sleeping with the "friend" from your description, but it sounds that way?

I am in a similar sitch with my youngest D's wedding coming up. Seperated, but not a D yet.

I would'nt care if my W brought 3 BF's, one of my D's parents is going to do the right thing, which is not show up with a GF-bimbo-or "friend" for support.

Worry about the support your S needs. If his Dad is going to be a dink, so be it. Does NOT mean his Mom has to be too!

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I'm sad for your son. Imagine the pressure and inner turmoil he is experiencing. And his wife, the innocent by-stander!

I'm with ba109 & EE here...time to be the grown-up and do everything you can for your son and his bride.

I also think if you brought your "friend" that's an awful lot of pressure for him, and I'm surprised he seems agreeable so far to be put in such a situation! I'd think a bigger man would have said, "that's nice of you to think of me, but you go, have a great time & enjoy the day" It's not something you'll get to do over!


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I need someone to inform me. Here, at Marriage Builders, is a legal separation considered enough of a divorce to say that one can date?

Steve Harley says that separation is a state of marriage. It is clearly not a divorce. Marriage is voluntarily made to be more stable than other types of relationships. Married is married, is it not?

I really understand the loneliness of being betrayed and so maybe you are OK to do this but I just don’t think it is respectful of marriage.

In my case, I told OM that his presence with WS (now XW) was preventing her from considering what it would take for us to be in love and happy together.

I don't think that MB hold separation as a divorce and that it is OK to date, for the BS or the WS.

The delay in getting divorced is voluntary and is part of trying to save families and marriages. So I believe.

So I believe that it is inappropriate to date when not divorced and especially to bring a date when married of all places to a marriage...even more so to set an example for your son and his bride.

I do think that your son should get a great deal of control on what goes on at his wedding but that wise people should guide him.

BTW did he read “I Promise You” by Dr Harley?

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