That's OK Mimi,

I appreciate your honesty. Thanks for dropping by.

If I do have to seriously consider mediation...I will have to figure out how to approach it as an....opportunity....to see how far I have come...and as just another challenge to overcome.

I really don't feel like I am breaking plan B...as I will consider it a necessity...WS is still not welcome in my home and I will not meet with him outside of the structured setting of mediation.

Hi Luna,

Just checking in on you. I hope you are doing OK. I know how hard this is.

I think that Jennifer would tell you to do a letter. She has advised both me and SDGuy to do it, so what can it hurt? As she says, when you are staring down the barrel of a shotgun.....well, the chance may be small but try anyway. At least you can leave the M knowing that you did everything that you could.

I keep you in my thoughts and prayers....

Update.

Well...for financial reasons and to move forward with plan D, I have gone ahead and proposed to WS that I was willing to consider using the services of a mediator, if he still was interested, which would be at the expense of the Court, to attempt to finalize outstanding D issues....

The qualified mediator also happens to be a psychologist that I had initially contacted to help me ovecome the infidelity 'wound' after reading one his books, and who seems to support the Harley principle of NC with OW should a WS want to reconsider R with BS... so, I expect him to have some understanding of 'where I am coming from'.... and am comfortable that should the need arise, it will be HIM telling WS what he needz to hear, rather than ME!

If WS agrees to this, I will be faced with the challenge of managing my 'anxiety' level at the thought of meeting with WS, and will attempt to consider it as just ONE more challenge to overcome.... so that I can be 'independent' of any future actions taken by WS, legal or otherwise!

....learning to let go....remove any and all resistance... and NOT be an obstacle between WS and what he THINKS he wants....

BTW..are any of you reading the NEW AWAKENING and doing the Oprah sessions? Any comments?

Thumbs up Luna!

Hi CL,


Nice to hear from you...

Looks like we were cross-posting...

As you can see... I wrote WS a note... because as you said... I have nothing to lose, really!

....so...the ball in WS's court.... he other will take me up on it... or NOT! ...I will be surprised if he doesn't.....because I was the one NOT interested....he continually has offered.... although now he could choose to say that's it's TOO LATE!

....after D-day....this kind of rejection is a piece of cake!

....and like you say...one less thing to regret!

Hope you are doing OK... I will go and check your thread.

Update.

WS and I are arranging to meet with a mediator with whom I am comfortable, one who knows the damage done to BS by affairs (given that he has written a book on infidelity and agrees that R can only happen with NC with OW!...sounds familiar?)

I am counting on mediator to keep WS in check so that we can come up with a plan D that is less costly for both of us. Although I do feel the anxiety mount at the thought of meeting WS, it is less than the anxiety at the thought of a costly plan D...for which I don't really have the funds for.

...and of course...I feel much more confident facing a WS NOW...with my lengthy plan B....and knowing that I can make it...with or without WS/S.... and expect it to make a world of difference when facing a WS.... one who will has less 'power' over me!

...let's just say.... it will allow me to be less tolerate when faced with WS fogland (not to say...crap!) and disrespect!

...if WS may not be able to 'hear' what I have to say...I do think it will give me a chance 'to say' what I have to say...about ME... and give me a chance to work on what LA loosely refers to as 'owning my part' and stating MY boundaries...AGAIN!

Well.... I am going out of town for a few days for business and pleasure.... and I will have certainly deserved the break!

...I am done doing some emotional rollercoasting.... until the next ride!

((((((((((((((((((((((((MB BOARD))))))))))))))))))

Hey Luna!

you are a great example of MB success. I will be looking forward to your updates, I'm sure they wll be inspiring. You have come such a long way from your first posts. I remember so I have seen all the work you have done on yourself, the only one we can control.

have a good break!

Well...Hi ccbis,


How are you doing?

Well...been away out of town for a few days...and it did me good!

Oh yes...my first posts...I still can't read them yet... guess I am saving that for later!

I must have come SOME way at least, because if initially I was feeling anxious about meeting WS in mediation session after soooo long of not seeing him!...I now feel much much more comfortable at the thought of meeting WS...fully prepared to uphold my boundary... no N/C with OW?...then...with ME! ...and am looking forward to settling assets somehow...and plan D!

...and it feels kind of weird...never thought the day would come when I would say this...

...guess I must have paid my dues...or detached enough.. or something! ...because I can see myself slowly getting ready, looking forward to being able to be free to find someone else, if WS is not interested, eager to want to work on a healthy warm caring loving relationship with someone new if need be...

...I have drawn the line in the sand... not so much for WS... but mostly for me... to help me in those moments of doubt and confusion...to help me RESPECT MYSELF enough to be able to ask WS to treat me with RESPECT...or not treat me at all....and MEAN IT!

...and it may have taken me over 2 yrs to get there, but I got HERE! WOW!

...and I do feel the strength and courage and confidence in myself increase with every step forward I take... the squiggy feelings of anxiety in my stomach don't seem to last as long.... my momentum, slowly but surely, seems to be to not look back but move forward!

...and I like it...

...if you say: 'I will be OK, with or without WS'...and initially you don't mean it... but you say it long enough, you will get to....MEANING IT!

...this is what it must mean to put one foot in front of the other and whether you like it or not you are...MOVING...and one day you look back and see how far you have gotten!

It's where I am and...let me say it again....I LIKE IT!

I don't know about tomorrow...but today? I am fine!

You lady are quite an inspiration and though I didn't know you two years ago, I imagine that you were very similar to who I was.

Not a pretty site. We might not have chosen this journey, but because of G-d and this website, we have made the best of a horrid time.

Hi Queenie,


As I mentioned....haven't had the courage to re-read myself yet...

What I do remember...vaguely...is that after D-day I seemed to have been 'paralysed' and unable to ACT.... I was so discouraging as a newbie BS that some veteran posters were needing to consider taking a break from the Board! ....and the word I often use to refer to my state of mind at the time is: a 'basketcase'! ...and it would be an understatement!

...if we chose this path, Queenie....we certainly did not know what we were in for!

...and definitely our 'thinking' ways need to be alterated....in a BIG WAY!

...but hey....isn't that what life is all about?
...losing our way....finding our way....then losing our way again...and finding our way...AGAIN!

Life is a process...

Take care, Queenie...

Hi Luna,

Well if you were a basketcase, then you have come a long, long way. You are now a very confident, independent woman who is very capable of making it on her own. Congratulations. If WH chooses to stay with OW, then certainly his loss in the long run.
You have outgrown him I would say...

Keep us updated as we will be cheering for you.

((Luna)))

Hi CL,


Thank you SO very much CL... the kind of support you offer means the world to me!

...and life is proving to be FULL of surprises...mine has taken a few 'quick turns' before.... but dealing with a WS, hands down, has been my biggest challenge to date...

...was even worried for a time that it had taken the wind out of my sail... if it did...thank g-d... it seems to have been just.... temporarily!

I am going to check in on your thread and see how you are doing!

Hi Luna,

How was your weekend? How are you doing?

Hi Queenie,

Thanks for checking up on me...

Well...as updates go, this is where I am:

I am comfortable with the decision I made to open the door to mediation with WS...as the anxiety level over the financial burden of plan D was starting to outweigh the anxiety level of mediation (and meeting WS even if with third party present)....

...and it is helpful that I am choosing the mediator, with whom I am comfortable, whose primary training is as a psychologist and family counsellor (and written a book about infidelity!,)rather than one with legal background only....

...WS has confirmed, although initially surprised, that he is still willing to consider this less-costlier means of reaching some agreement re assets and custody ...and so both of us will put a 'hold' on the legal route temporarily....

...as expected though.... WS was hoping that this would also mean I was 'open' to friendly co-parenting??? ....and so I did have to S P E L L IT OUT....that..NO!....NC with WS was still in effect (so long as OW was in the picture) and, with the exception of mediation sessions, could only contact me directly in case of an emergency...

...and since adding plan D to plan B, the likelihood that 'wounds' would be reopened being high, part of taking care of myself is that I have chosen to consult an IC again on a regular basis to help me process the emotional ride of plan D... (this is ME taking care of ME, which I wasn't doing as much before A!).... while I try to take care of the boys, protect family and friends as best as I can from the ordeal...

...other than that...I continue to try and enjoy LIFE...on a day to day basis...as I truly believe I am blessed with so much for which I am so grateful.... and part of my NEW WAY of thinking is.... to NOT lose sight of what I consider IMPORTANT in my life... and that keeps me...GROUNDED in reality (as opposed to a laland of wishful thinking)!

....and if I have your attention, Queenie....please remember to TAKE CARE of yourself, every day...if you want to TAKE CARE of and BE THERE for those that are important in your life (and that includes YOU, too, QUEENIE)!

...if you do that, it DOES and it WILL get better...no matter what...

(((((((((((((((((((((QUEENIE)))))))))))))))))))

Luna,

I will be cheering for you. I've come to the conclusion that there is only so much that we can do, and at some point we have to be willing to accept it and let life go on without them. As we know, the A rarely lasts, but sometimes it takes years for them to figure it out. And for some, they can't face the damage that they've caused so they don't come back anyway.

We're here to support you Luna. Let me know how it goes.

Thanks for dropping by, CL.

Will do.

...the MB board is hard to beat when it comes to finding support and at the tip of your fingerstips, at that....

...and for sharing and learning from those that can relate best with what we are going through....

...being alone isn't nearly as bad as feeling alone... and whenever I feel alone travelling unchartered paths.....I just have to look around, think of my MB gang, to realize that it isn't so....in fact, I am in very GOOD COMPANY, thank you very much!

(((((((((((((((((((((((MB BOARD)))))))))))))))))))

Hey Luna,

This is by far the hardest thing I will learn. Is to think I am valuable enough a person to take care of myself. I treat myself to stuff for sure, like pedicures... etc. But when it comes to thinking of myself as something special. It's just not there yet.

How did you learn about yourself. Did you pray, do things?

This is one special place for sure. I can't imagine how I would have made it through this without this board.

We on here who invest ourselves are coming away with people and connections that would have only happened because of this and yet we are a part of each others lives and are walking through the toughest times in our life. Those in our "real" life have no clue what's happening, but on here, there is total understanding and encouragment how to walk through because we share an understanding that others simply can't or won't.

What do you mean that you're "NOT THERE" yet? By DOING it, YOU ARE THERE. It takes the ACTION and then the THOUGHT and that's IT, YOU ARE THERE. Do I sound like Dr. Seuss again?

Say out loud: "I AM SPECIAL"...

I really, really recommend "AWAKEN THE GIANT WITHIN" by Anthony Robbins..

Hi Luna,

It has been a while since I have been on these boards. They have changed format! I am a little lost (who moved my cheese?!), so i dont know exactly what your lastest situation is....the last I read you were trying to mentally prepare for the potential of facing WS in mediation.

I hope you are making ground in a positive direction. I can only imagine that this D process requires a lot of letting go and that is not easy, since Plan B has protected you from that painful aspect of this whole mess.

Have you every read the book "Mans Search for Meaning" by Dr. Viktor Frankl? I think I may have asked you that a looong time ago, but for some reason reading your post made me think of it again.

Google it. It will seem off topic, but fundamentally it isnt.
Its about facing the loss of everything and still have meaning and courage. I understand you dont feel you have lost everything (obviously you havent) but maybe it will help you regain strength to let go and face what you now have to face.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi Ahuman,

Thanks for dropping by.


Yes...Plan B did protect me...don't know where I would be if not for plan B!....as it did allow me the time and space to 'get back on my feet' from the shock of D-day... and so feel I am better prepared to face plan D...

If any newbie BSs are reading this...I know some of you will have to consider plan B...and it will seem a 'scary' proposition at first... but if your sanity means anything to you...it's really the only option open TO YOU, that ONLY YOU can control!

I have communicated to WS that plan B remains in effect, with the exception of very 'structured' mediation sessions to relieve financial burden of plan D process...

...as far as 'triggers' go with plan D round...they are 'manageable'....


I have not read the book but know about him and his story... very inspirational...


I will...you 'sound' good and hope that things 'are' good with you...

Take care.