Feel free to T/J this, as I am not entirely sure where it will go. I was curious about how your attitudes on marriage and divorce are affected by being an adult child of divorce, that is if you were an adult when your parents divorced.

My story:

My parents separated two months after I got married. At first I was shocked, but later realized that I should not have been. It seems that my Dad had multiple affairs in their 22 year marriage. Both of my parents were miserable in their M for a long time. They did a decent job of hiding it from me. Not perfectly, but I figured that it was a normal part of marriage.

After their divorce, I felt pulled somewhat between them. I was angry at my father for what he did, but at the same time, he was the only father I had, and he did a good job raising me. He took me fishing, camping, attended my events when able. He was a scoutmaster, president of our booster club, etc.

My Mom was ALWAYS there for me. She made sure I had a good childhood, was able to do whatever was in her power.

So, I loved them both. I didn't want to hate either of them, and I suppose I didn't. If I visited with my Dad, I had to deal with the OW. I didn't think that was right, but it was the only deal I had. (He married her not long after, and their M lasted until his death)

So my attitude on M and divorce was somewhat bipolar. On one hand, both of them had some regret over the loss of their M, and I wondered if they had tried, could it have been saved? On the other hand, both were much happier divorced. I wasn't sure what was more important, saving the M or being happy.

Both said that they stayed together longer than they would have because of me and my brother. I didn't need that guilt, I didn't ask them to.

One thing I did take away from that was that I felt very strongly about NOT having an affair. I felt to be honest, you had to man up and say you couldn't make it work, then if you wanted to screw around, you weren't living a lie.

Last, I got some real insight from HNHN. I could see that failing to meet the EN of each other was a major reason my parents divorced. Meeting the EN, I suppose is no guarantee, but failing to meet them is a strong indicator of a failed marriage.

Any others care to share thoughts and experiences?

My parents stayed married after my father’s affaire, 30 years ago. I was 15 then and I also decided to never cheat on my wife. But that is not all it takes to stay married and be in love and happy.

I’m now divorced. I found out, 2 hours ago. My wife was pregnant with OM’s child… Anyway, I still think that my parent’s marriage never recovered properly and that no wisdom came of it for me. Thank God for Marriage Builders I believe I actually learned and grew a lot threw the last 2 years. What a waste my marriage was, wasted by my wife’s infidelity and OM's disrespect.

One naturally looks to their parents for wisdom and advice. What do you get?

If nothng else, all this experience you're getting from others will be useful for you when you do get married. I hope you won't forget what you learned....

I'm very interested in responses to this thread. My DS was 18 at the time of separation. Now, one year later, he's rushing into a marriage of his own (more details in the other thread). I'm sure his feelings over my situation have a lot to do with it. Since I'm not in his head, I can only tell you what I observed. When I first told him, he burst into tears. He was already away at school but he came home the very next weekend and spent some time with both me and WSTBXH separately. For the next month or so, he took on a parental role with me. I had to beg him not to quit school (he wanted to quit so he could work full time and support me). I believe one of his major concerns was that he was going to lose another dad (his biological father abandoned him as an infant and WSTBXH was in his life as long as he can remember).

After the initial shock, things settled down but he went on what could best be described as a binge. He was drinking every weekend (probably every night at school for all I know) and dating all kinds of different girls. He continued to maintain contact with his now bride-to-be who was overseas on an exchange program and actually went to visit her. After 2 or 3 months of this, he settled down to what appeared to be his normal self.

Then in December, he announced his engagement and that he would be getting married in April (this coming weekend). He has stubbornly refused to consider any other option including waiting until he is done school next year (they go to different schools in different cities); waiting until they can afford their own place; waiting until they can afford their own car; waiting until I or WSTBXH can afford to help them out etc. Not to mention, the timing is exactly 1 day from the anniversary of the separation; there is still ugliness between me and WSTBX and OW and lots of strong feelings among the extended families.

So I'd really like to know, how does this affect adult children? What exactly IS going through DS's head? What can I say to him to help? Because he has obviously been affected but he's also grown and makes his own decisions whether they are right or wrong.