jily,<P>To underscore flippers comment. This isn't a contest. It's not about who's "right". And punishment will not help.<P>The bottom line is that you felt this was an affair. That's all that should be important to your husband. And part of the issues you need to address is what role (if any) you've had in the deterioration of the marriage, and what can you do NOW to start addressing it. <P>And if your husband is reading, it'll help tons if he exerts an effort to do the same for you. If you work through this together, you can heal pretty quickly.

flipper, i think it's interesting that you're the first post to address the point that I may have been part of the cause of this. After reading your profile, i'm not suprised. Believe me, when your spouse cheats on you, there is complete inventory of what you did to make this happen. The biggest thing i had to come to terms with was this was NOT my fault. This is HIS problem....HE cheated, HE broke vows, not me. I am working very hard on the trust issues, even to the point of allowing a continuation of a "friendship" online with a woman. Again...this was NOT MY fault.

Heavens, Jily. You're still letting him talk to one of the women on the computer? Let me tell you what happened when I did that.<P>He had several secret "friends", most of them new, but one of them was a woman from the past whom he had led me to believe had gone offline permanently. Now, they had always been good friends before she supposedly "disappeared", so I let him go on talking to her after the exposure of the other women.<P>Big mistake. One day I was sitting with my H while he was going through some old sent-mail, and I came across one he had sent her. It was all about some sexy dream he had about her and how he felt he should tell her about it. He closed this mail with a "smewchie" for her. Gag.<P>So you see, he was still carrying on, even though he refuses to admit that the mail or dream meant anything. He's still acting like it was all a big joke, and not related to the other women at all. After seeing this mail, we had to fight for 3 more months before he agreed to stop talking to her. Why wouldn't he do it before 3 months? He "needed a friend". Well, get one in real life, buster, and preferably another man. <P>If I'd told him to stop talking to her when I asked him to stop with the others, this may not have happened. He would have made a clean break with the net and hopefully forgotten his "need" to talk with her. At least, I think so. All I'm saying is that allowing them to go on doing the thing that hurt you in the first place, even if it is sold to you as a "friend", isn't going to help you rebuild your marriage. He needs to cut off all contact. You're not doing either of you any favors by allowing him to go on doing this.<P>And about accepting responsibility for what he's done? Only you can know how much to accept. Some of these guys are addicted to the net and to cybering, and nothing makes a difference. You could be the most perfect wife in the world, and maybe there's just some need you can't fulfill. On the other hand, maybe you're like me and can assume half of the responsibility for marital breakdown up until the affair(s) begin.<P>Whatever the answer regarding your responsibility for the problems, his having the affairs isn't your fault. He made the decision to go out and do that. If he was so unhappy, he could have talked to you. No one held a gun to his head and made him do what he did. So don't let anyone tell you that it is your fault. He made that decision.<P>But don't let that hold you back. You'll have to put a lot of effort forth to make this work. Blame isn't going to get you anywhere. Just try to put the blame part aside and work on the future. And get that last "friend" out of your lives. It may not look like a threat, but it could be...and everything you're doing to rebuild could be for nothing if some woman is still in the picture.<P>Ok, now I'm rambling. I just wanted to let you in on my experience with their "friends". Btw, this caused a divorce in a friend's marriage. She allowed him to keep talking to one of the women because he complained that he "needed affection from her"...and two months later he flew across the US to be with her and her 4 kids...leaving my friend in the lurch.<P>The moral? Set some boundaries and stand firm. Get this woman out of the picture and get your H offline

jily and h,<BR>i am a male betrayer and my first<BR>experience was a cyber ordeal which<BR>led to cyber sex when i first learn to<BR>use the net started innocent in a chat<BR>room- ended when i got a picture of her<BR>in the mail- never thought it was a problem like you mr h- only the next time for me wasn't over the computer<BR>it was the real deal and now it's way<BR>too late--jily the pain is the same-<BR>but be thankful he didn't take the next<BR>step--use this and learn the why's and<BR>how's to correct the underlying problems<BR>this site is great -- you must want to<BR>work out the marriage otherwise he might<BR>want to progress to the next level and <BR>to you mr h trust me it's not worth it<BR>i am learning how to rebuild a great life that i threw in the toilet my<BR>ow is pregnant and my wife is devastated<BR>i only pray we can work it out you have<BR>a long road ahead listen to your wife<BR>she is hurting--- much peace and love<BR>good luck.

Just Learning<P>Hello Jily<P> Let me tell your H that if my wife had told me she slept with someone & did not care for them that would have been easier to take. Then to here her tell me she has had a friendship with OM that has grown into something special. Something so special that she did not want to give it up. They have never had sex but have had long conversations & told each other stories & dreams that they both share. That she is still considered to leave our kids & me because this OM knows her so much better then I do. I have a lot of work to do to keep this marriage together but don't think that the emotional affair is any thing light. I do understand your pain & hopefully he will to.<P>Good Luck Jily<P>Hug's!<P> LotsofHope<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Jily,<P>I don't think flipper was trying to say that the affair was at ALL your fault. Anyone who knows anything about affairs knows that the decision to cheat is TOTALLY the cheater's.<P>I think what flipper was saying was that now that the affair is out in the open, you need to remember that it takes BOTH of you to heal the marriage. Your H was wrong to cheat. You know it; he knows it. But now that you both know it, don't rub his face in it (not that you ARE doing that, it's just a pitfall that ALL of us betrayeds have to avoid).<P>Once you both acknowledge that your H made a mistake, the next step is to rebuild your trust in each other. That's not an easy step at all, believe me, I know. But, with love and kindness and understanding, it can be done.<P>Flipper, I think, was just trying to caution you to always keep in mind POSITIVE reinforcement to help build your marriage back. What good is being "right" if it costs you your husband's love?<P>I'm really glad you're posting here. I think you'll learn a LOT from everyone here. I know I have. Please keep posting, because it's the BEST therapy you can get. <P>Hope to see you around.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Jily--<P>A couple of curious questions: You say you "met" online, and this is your second marriage. Do either or both of you have children, and who has primary custody? Was your relationship with H an affair during your first marriage?<P>Different work schedules? I ask this one to understand how your H has the uninterrupted time to be chatting/cybering with these other women now.<P>Merely non-judgemental interest to see how much we have in common. My H and I "met" from chatting online also.

My h and i met as both of our divorces were almost final.... loooong waiting period here after filing. We were only friends, honestly!, for a long time before anything developed. I have two kids, he has none...i have joint custody of one child, he's with his dad on the weekends, other child is 19 and he's with us 24/7. My h had sooo much "free" time to chat because he had quit his job to start our own business. It's taking awhile for it to fully get up and running, so i'm still a clock puncher, but will join him in the business asap. That was another slap in the face, because i want to quit my job, like he got to, but was trying to be soooo encouraging of him staying at home to make the business grow even faster. But what was happening was while i was in rush hour traffic, he was home cybering.... that didn't go over very well as you can imagine.