You guys make good points about the 50/50. I guess my viewpoint came from the fact that in both cases, the parents are acting more immature than the kids, and the kids are suffering - stress every week, you know? It really is all about doing what's best for the kids.

Is there any way that you can ask the court to re-address the living situation?

For 50/50 to work, mature and courteous communication between the parents is critical. Then again, it is critical regardless of the arrangement, but 50/50 does involve more contact between the parents. Weekend dads aren't going to be receiving notices from the school for events on mom's week, nor are they likely going to have to take time off to get kids to dentist/dr appointments which may have been made by the other parent and so on. My good friend in this arrangement speaks to his X several times a week just exchanging these types of information. And they do function as a "family" - just one that has 2 addresses.

I have to say from what I've learned, I am extremely lucky that DS is grown. Neither of us has custody and DS can facilitate his own visitation with either one of us as he choses. It is a luxury to be able to avoid WSTBX and OW. I should learn to appreciate it more.

She may change as the OM tires of having your children around. Sadly this behavior is not unusual for a WAYWARD. She is a wayward and entitled behavior goes hand in hand with being in that state of mind. If my H was still with OW (we WERE in the D process but now are in recovery) I would have stictly limited the visitation due to not wanting them around the person who destroyed their world. It is not necessarily a man/woman thing though sadly I see too many of my gender use their children to manipulate the men. I have yet to come across an sit with an OC where the OW did not use the OC as ammunition against the FWH.

t/j Hi intexas! So glad to see you doing well. Your posts and your attitude gave me a smile.

He's not OM, as far as I know. Just a young kid (26). He seems to treat the kids ok and I know they like him well enough.

I moved where I would only be a 10 minute drive away. But she's now moved to where she is an hour away and expects me to do all the driving and that she will enroll the kids in schools there. The location is in a completely different direction than what I drive to work, so she's asking that my commute be increased by two more hours (it's already about 2 hours one way every day, depending on the day and traffic).

She claims that she can't afford to live where we live (yet somehow has enough money to have not one, but two lawyers).

So her $35K per year salary, her live-in fiance's income (let's say it's $35K as well, but I think it's more than that) and the CS I give, which is $37K per year effectively gives her an income of over $100K per year. But that's apparently not enough for our city.

The kids have a full home at my house with clothes and toys and they don't need to bring anything with them.

I've been working on their rooms and just focusing on little details for them. I bought a Superman bust for the boy's room, for example. It's a collector's item I was lucky to stumble upon at Goodwill!

I put a shelf in my daughter's room where she can put her horses and a bookshelf for her books.

I'd like to get a bigger toy chest for the living room.

So I'm focusing on details now. The big stuff is there for them. Now I want them to have little details.

I've noticed a disturbing trend lately, where the kids are being left with the grandparents more often than not and where my daughter is being kept up an hour past her normal bed time. This makes sense considering the long drive each day for the kids and it delays the start of their normal routine each night.

They don't have to go through any of this and could keep their current schedule if they were to live with me.

But...that would mean she would have to give up CS and put the kid's needs first.

So I don't think she'll willingly do so.

Our hearing on 2 June should address all these issues.

I was watching a Friend's rerun last night where Ross was frustrated over the birth of his son because he was arguing with his ex wife and her girlfriend about the boy's name. He made a statement about how he never pictured this moment in his life in this way.

It reminded me of similar thoughts I've had where I pictured something completely different for my interaction with the kids as they grew up and their activities.

Totally different than what I'm living now.

Schools and stability were big issues in my H getting custody of his children. Two moves and two men in how much time? Staying over night on a regular basis with aunt and grandmother also helped us. Document it if you can and take in stats on the two school sysstems.

Well, the stability issues are a big concern. She's introduced the kids to numerous pets over the past two years and then gotten rid of them because it was too much to care for alone.

She's moved a man in with her and did it very suddenly. I find this to be immoral, but I've been told that society doesn't really care as long as he's not hurting the kids.

I've provided the reports given out by the State Department of Education which shows the national rankings of school systems. Maryland is the second best in the country. West Virginia is the third worst.

I've objected to the move in writing. I've objected legally.

All this is pending a hearing on 2 June.

I've asked that I be given primary custody until the kids finish school, but there has been no ruling on my request.

I've learned some big lessons from this ordeal. Nothing is solid unless it's in writing and even that doesn't guarantee anything.

I've also learned to never assume or give the benefit of the doubt about things. It's unfortunate, but I never thought she'd try to move them away since she always said she wanted to live in our city versus anywhere else.

I personally feel that the greatest problem in all of this is a sense of entitlement.

So she monitors this forum, which is one of my sources of support through these tough times and I believe she will use my 2 years of posts on this website against me in court and at trial. She'll try to anyways.

I'm not even bothering hiding my name anymore since she knows who I am.

I haven't said anything lately that isn't on public record already, so I'm not revealing anything new in my postings.

It's great to see that mom's here recognize the value of fathers in their children's lives. I started this thread because I saw very similar mentality when it came to kids in other women's posts on the site and it is really nice to see women who feel different.

I strongly believe that flexibility is key when it comes to the kids. My boys, for example, are approaching 4. The agreement says we'll negotiate having them stay with me every Wednesday night when they turn 4. I don't believe she'll agree to it for financial reasons.

The truth is that they are ready for it now and are confused about why their sister gets to stay the night and they can't.

My ex has had to take my youngest son away in tears on several occasions because he wants to stay and doesn't understand why he has to leave. I always hope she sees this and is the bigger person and simply lets him stay, but my expectations and wishes are always let down.

I've done that on several occasions. The kids go with me to church and there have been a few times where I could tell that my daughter would be very upset and would cry a lot if she was forced to go instead of staying with grandma. So I've put my desire to have her go to church with me aside and let her stay. Things have been difficult enough. Why make her cry?

So that's where things stand right now. It's a very scary process and I'm very worried about bias in the system, but I keep the faith and keep praying and keep working on myself. It's all I can do.

My ex and I try to stay on the same path for the kids. For example, bedtimes are relatively the same. If one of them misbehaves and is grounded at his house and it flows into my week they are grounded there as well.

If I have info he needs I put it in my daughter's folder with his name at the top- he does the same for me. We copy report cards for each other. We take turns on appts no matter whose week it is. For instance, I took them to the dentist last week and he took one to the eye dr. If they are sick it's whoever they are with that takes them to the dr or stays home- unless it's a long illness. Then we split the medical costs.

We are in touch every couple of days because we have to-
there are emails or texts or calls exchanged. Their stepmom I've known for years and that makes it easier. I can jot her an email as well or call her if I need to and she knows she can do the same.

It's work- and I don't always like the things he does and I'm sure vice versa but we do try to stay united for the kids sake. We succeed about 98% of the time which I think is pretty good.

CW,

What you describe is exactly what I hope to be able to have with my ex someday.

An amicable, coparenting relationship where actions aren't taken defensively.

Where there is genunine communication and no assumptions about who should do what and an acceptance that the other side will do things that you don't always like, but that it's ok as long as it doesn't hurt the kids.

But that means that there must be an acceptance that the other parent is just as competent and capable as you are, if not more so.

I understand.

Every once in a while he will try to act like he's a better parent than me- being a bit superior. Most of the time I just let it slide. A few weeks ago he did it and I called him on it. He backed down.

He knows I was the primary parent for a long time while he pursued his hobbies so I think that's in the back of his mind.

He truly is a better parent since the divorce and I recognize that.

I think that he thought I'd try to pull some stuff on him (can't say I blame him) but since time has passed I think he sees that I'm not. There have been a couple of times when the kids have said he doesn't love them as much as I do- or that he loves stepmom more and I've assured them that it isn't the case- that their dad loves them just as much, just in a different way. I've told him about our conversations and what I said in return. I think he has figured out I'm not going to use them for pawns.

I hope you can get to that point in your relationship with your ex wife.

I had a lovely weekend with the kids. We went to the park, baked cookies, played outside, and chased each other in the house. We had some really good times.

I was tight on cash a week ago, but luckily I had a paycheck come in along with a refund for something which gave me at least enough to take the kids out to eat for one night.

I swear, I'm thinking about getting a part time job delivering pizzas at this point! No joke!

Pentagon IT professional delivering pizzas part time to help make ends meet!

You do what you have to!

On a good note: I have a date tonight with someone that I've known for over a year. We've been aquaintances this whole time who met through our DivorceCare group. Granted, I know she's not ready for anything and she sees this as nothing more than a friend thing, but you never know.

We're going to go to a soccer game this weekend as well with a friend of mine coming in from out of town.

So we're hanging out and getting to know each other. I've always found her attractive and have been very happy to just be friends and take things super slow and hope she might see me differently down the road. Pretty much a "When Harry Met Sally" approach. Let's hang out, be friends, have no expectations, and just hang out and keep things friendly.

So it's a friendly date, but a date nonetheless.

Any advice from the ladies on the board? Any signs I could look for that show she may be interested in more than just friendship?

We men tend to be pretty dumb about this stuff. There was a story in the news recently that women ofen think they're sending clear signals of interest to a guy and the guy is totally clue less, yet we interpret other body language as interest when she is, in fact, completely not interested.

I like her, but I know she's not ready for a relationship right now. I've been nothing but friendly. We've hung out, had dinner and coffee and text each other all the time. I was honestly surprised when she said yes to my first dinner request a few months ago.

I'm basically leaving a lot in her court and suggesting things now and then.

We're going to go see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" tonight, which should be a good one for us to see considering the subject matter. From what I've heard I'm pretty sure I'll be able to relate quite a bit to the guy in the movie, who I hear breaks down and cries at certain "triggers" as we know them on the board.

I can't say I have those personal "triggers" any more. I use to cry at the drop of a hat over different things. I'd cry over a song, movie, plot line, book, or even commercial. I was a weepy sap.

Things are a bit different now. I'm still no fan of adultery plot lines or anything which romanticises adultery, but I was that way before when I was married because of my parents. I'm that much more so now because of my own experience.

So that was my weekend and upcoming night tonight.

Fingers crossed!

Wow. I haven't dated in so long I can't remember!
I would think if she leans toward you rather than away or keeping a distance.
Touching you on the arm is usually a big thing.
If she seems genuinely interested in what you have to say, asks questions.
Laughing would be a big one, I would think.
Talking about things in the future, maybe feeling you out to see if you'd be interested, maybe offering you the chance to step up and say "hey, I'd like to do that, too; sounds like fun."

If you're an IT man, can you farm out for work online that's not a conflict of interest? I go to guru.com for extra work, and I think they have IT jobs. Would pay a lot better, I'd think.

I had my date last night and it went well. At least I think it did.

We went to see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" which was very funny, but I'll admit that it was uncomfortably raunchy at times.

Still, I could relate to the character sooooo much in the film.

Things he did that I did (****Spoiler Alert!****):

1) Cried unconsolably on the floor.
2) Cried at commercials.
3) Cried after being with another woman for the first time after his relationship.
4) Cried over "triggers" around his house such as gifts the ex bought him.
5) Tried all kinds of out of character things to feel better (hanging out with folks he wouldn't otherwise, drinking, etc.)
6) Started seeing that not everything was roses with the ex.
7) Found someone that made him feel alive again and made him see he could love again.
8) Got better and started pursuing his own dreams.
9) Started living life and smiling again at the world.

It was a good movie. I hope she enjoyed it too, but I worry it may have been to raunchy for her. I'm just getting to know her, so it may not have been.

We're going out again this upcoming weekend with friends from my divorce group and a buddy coming in from out of town. Should be a blast.