I’m a previous poster on this board (Suzet_). I’m using my H’s account. It’s an account he created to send a message on my behalf after I’ve left the boards. Before and after that, my H has never visited these boards, so I feel relatively sure that he will not visit here and read this post.

I’m worried that my H might have/was having inappropriate interactions with another woman or might be involved/was involved in some type of A, but I’m also afraid I might make the wrong conclusions and overreacting. My H is still the same, loving H towards me and has not given me any reason with regards to the way he is reacting towards me, that he might be involved in an A, but yesterday I discovered the following sms he send last year November from his 3G Internet account to another women’s cell phone:

“Hi
Hope you’re going to have a great day, do not reply to this sms, as this is my 3G card number, send the sms to my normal nr. Now you thinking who is this, lady if you do no know by now, I will cut of your……….. mmm was that a clue?? No you going to phone me? Ooooooo I’m going to have to come and wake you up? So what you doing?”

I phoned the number the sms was sent to. A lady answered. I asked who was talking. When she said her name I asked if she knows my H. When she confirmed it, I’ve realized she is an ex-GF of his.

Without first referring to the sms, I calmly asked my H if he is still in contact with this lady. (There were a time or two she phoned him in the past, but that was a few years ago and my H has always told me about it. My H and I have also bumped into her at store once or twice). He said no, the last time he saw her was at a restaurant when she came to me and my H to greet us (sometime last year). He said they don’t have any sms, Internet or phone contact at all. When I told my H about the sms I discovered, he was very surprised and just said he can’t remember that he ever send her any sms and that he don’t even have her cell nr on his cell. I said to him well you did send it to her since it was from your card number. He didn’t deny that he send it but just said if he did sms her for any reason he can’t remember and don’t know why he would send such a “weird” sms. He agreed with me that the sms sounds inappropriate and suspicious (especially if it’s to an ex-GF).

I honestly don’t know what to think of this and answers like “I can’t remember” and “I don’t know” is not acceptable to me, but my H genuinely looked and sound sincere when he said that and when I confronted him, he didn’t act defending or like a person who tried to lie or hide something.

Something else: A few weeks ago a niece of my friend asked her to ask me if I know my H was sitting at a coffee restaurant with a lady, looking very “cozy” and holding hands with her. I asked my H and he said he has never been with a lady at this specific coffee shop (another town). I believed my H and just figured the niece confused my H with someone else and I forgot about it. But yesterday after I’ve discovered the sms, I remembered this incident and realized the ex-GF actually fits the description of the lady the niece gave back then. Today I phoned the niece and I asked her if she is 100% sure the person was my H and she was very sure. But my H still denies that he have ever been with his ex-GF (or any other woman for that matter) at this shop.

Any thoughts? Is it possible that I’m just overly concerned or overreacting here?? In spite of these two incidents, my H has never gave me any other reason to doubt him or be suspicious. In fact, I feel guilty of doubting him and I'm wondering if I'm just a paranoid wife. My "gut instinct" doesn't tell me that my H is/was involved with someone else, but I can't deny the feeling of fear I've experienced when I've discovered that sms.

He's full of crap...and apparently becoming a better liar. It sounds like he's got you so mixed up and turned around that you can FIND AN SMS FROM HIM TO ANOTHER WOMAN, and still you doubt YOURSELF.

When you found that text, you busted him in another affair, or the continuation of an old affair that never stopped. It's that simple.

You can act on that information, or you can continue to enable him by living in denial. I'd suggest you snap out of it and take significant action.

Well, a couple of questions.

I'm embarassed to say that I don't know what an SMS is, but I'm assuming similar to a text message?

And does that SMS "sound like" your H? Does he normally talk/type/text like that?

Honestly, it looks like hard evidence to me.

Sorry but IMHO this has RED FLAGS all over and i would say your H is already in either an EA or PA.

Yeah, it's a plain old text message....one of the worst technological innovations ever....

Yes, sms is text message.

No, this is out of character for my H and normally he doesn't talk, text and type like that.

For those who don't know, I'm a FWW was was envolved in an on-line EA. There is no history of past infidelity from my H.

Trust your gut. You're not crazy.

I would be very quiet at this point, as if you bought his story, but start spying.

Put a keylogger on your computer. This will capture all keystrokes on the computer and let you see where people have gone to and what messages were written.

Check the phone records for cell phones.

Look through his stuff such as his pants, jacket, wallet, and car.

Put a PI on him.

This contact with an exGF is out of line and unnacceptable. Do not settle for his flimsy explanations.

Many men carry on these types of side relationships and keep their wives in the dark. My dad did this to my mom for years.

They love their wives and family but have this side life. They basically go through their lives cake eating where they have this appearance of a family life and a side life of affairs.

There's only so long the facade can be maintained and pretty soon you'll see your dear, loving husband start acting like a wayward. You'll go along with the behavior at first, thinking he's going through a phaze or a mid-life crisis of some sort and you're just along for the ride. He'll suddenly want to start living the single life and doing things totally uncharacteristic or treating you badly because his "exciting side life" has developed into something more such as a love affair with OW or a desire to be single and abandon the family life.

It happened to my mom. Yes, it was a phase my dad went through and he paid dearly for it. So did we, as his children. His desire for this single life cost him his marriage and it cost us our family.

Trust your gut and don't accept these attempts to gaslight you.

I'd call that woman again and confront her and flat out ask. She may be honest and own up to it. If anything, you could tell her you're not comfortable with her interaction with your H.

Set your boundaries.

Obvious red flags Suzet. In order to believe his words, you would need to suspend reality.

SMS = Short Message Service.

It's a text message.

Suzet, his responses that he doesn't know and doesn't remember are classic responses from someone in an A. Denial is also classic. A WS will not tell the truth unless they are backed into a corner and have no other alternative. Even then, you'll only get as little as they can get away with.

A WS will look you square in the face and without blinking or looking away tell you the biggest and most hurtful lies imaginable. So, don't depend on what he says to help you figure out if he's involved in an A or not. Find out for yourself by snooping into everything you can. Check his credit card statements, his bank account, his cell phone records, his computer, his email account. Hire a PI. Do a background check on OW.

The fact that he was seen in another city with someone who sounds like his XGF is undeniable proof that something is going on and you really need to find out the truth.

I agree with everyone else's opinion. Of course he is going to deny it, he doesn't want to get caught. It is better to pass the blame to your niece that she must have "just confused" him with someone else He figures you will believe him over your niece anyway since you so don't want this to be true.

SMS is a text message and if it was from his phone, he sent it. And then put it together with what your niece has said, it makes sense that he is seeing this woman. I would believe my gut!

He of course will be more careful not to get caught from here on out, but I do believe he did meet her and your niece is not uncertain and I do believe that he sent the message.

Read up about gaslighting and you will see that you husband is exuding the classic signs.

Suzet,

LISTEN TO KLD!!!!!! She knows what she is talking about. Read her thread. All of it.

It is called "Turns out to be worse than I thought."

Blessings to you,

WH2LE

I agree with the others - the text message, his strange explanation of it, and the niece telling you she saw him with another woman. Any one of these might have been a fluke - maybe - but all of them together are VERY suspicious.

This was sent in November of last year? What is his "normal nr"? Is this a cell phone you know about? Come and wake her up? Now you have a report of him with another woman "holding hands" two weeks ago? Something is rotten in Denmark.

Listen to the advice you've been given. Get discreetly proactive and uncover what has been hidden.

I would call the number and talk to the ex-GF again. She has all of the answers...

One more thing, Suzet. This is possibly one of the hardest things to do - at least it was and sometimes still is for me. Don't tell your H what you're doing. Keep all your snooping a secret from him. My H had always been the one I talked to about everything and when I couldn't talk to him about this I had a difficult time getting through it. I did it, though, and I feel so good about taking that stand for my M and for myself.

Don't ask him any more questions about this. He will only lie about it anyway. In the end, you'll be hurt even more by those lies. The more you ask him about, the more he will know about what you're doing. The last thing you want to do is tip your hand because if you do, your source of info will dry up. He will make changes to keep his actions secret. As long as he thinks you don't know, his actions will continue and you'll be able to get the proof you need to confront him and expose the A.

Keep all your findings in a private place where he has no access. I keep all my data in a safe deposit box. I have a key and I gave the second one to my brother. I also set up a yahoo email address where I could get info from my PI and use it for background checks online. I felt a little guilty doing this behind WHs back, but it wasn't done for devious reasons - it was done to try and save my M from this nasty A.

Also, just a thought from my own experience. I put off doing this research for various reasons. When I look back, they were excuses to keep me from having to face the truth. Don't wait for an easier time to find out the facts. It won't get easier, so just go ahead and do it. Your M can't get on track until you know for sure where you stand.

Suzet,
I am so sorry for the reason you returned to MB. I was hoping you would be back with good news.

I can see why you would be confused. This really does not sound like the H who was patient with you for so long....... the one who stuck with you through more than one D day.

It would probably be best NOT to confront him. As other posters have pointed out, if he is involved, it would only send him deeper underground.

The physical evidence is very convincing. It does look like an A. You would do well to proceed as though it were an A, watching for more evidence.

If he was seen only a few weeks ago with the girl, it sounds like it is ongoing. I hesitate to take 2nd hand sightings sometimes, because I have run into people who looked exactly like friends, only to find out they were someone else. I suggest you watch, try to find out more, and see where this goes.

If you have access to his communication tools, it should be easy to find proof of further contact. You can also monitor his time away from you. I am not sure what your chances of getting a good PI are in your location. That may not be easy for you.

I hope other parts of life are going well for you. So sorry you have to cope with this, after all the other things you have been through.

SS

Later Edit -
I endorse what KLD has said. Excellent post.

Suzet,
Why not try calling the XGF and saying something like "My husband told me that he recently met you for coffee to discuss *insert innocuous reason here*, I just wanted to ask you about it."

If she answers something to the effect that "yeah, the coffee was just about this...", well you have your answer. If they met, the XGF will think he gave you some story and she will instinctively try and go along with it to protect them both. She probably won't want to make a liar out of your husband by denying they met, so she'll try and make sure you think the meeting was innocent. But you don't care why they met, you just care that they DID meet and your husband lied about it.

VERY good idea.

Thanks very much for everyone’s opinions and advice.

The nr my H sent the sms (text message) from is our shared Internet nr to gain access to the Internet. The Internet service is provided by a cell phone company and that’s why the card number can be used to send text message through the Internet. There is no separate phone for this nr. That’s why my H requested her to send a reply to his “normal” cell phone nr. He doesn’t have any other cell phone I’m aware of.

Me and my H keep all our finances together and keep a log of all our income/spending. We also have equal access and control to our banking facilities, so I do know there is nothing he hides from me as far as finances, credit cards etc. are concerned. We keep most of our income in a shared account. I’ve also never discovered anything suspicious in the car or in his clothes. We spend all our weekends and “free time” together and if he have to go somewhere outside working hours (which are very seldom – usually to repair a computer etc. somewhere) he always informs me where he is going and can be expected back at home. I also know his work load and working hours (and control from his superior) is of such nature that he won’t be able to keep himself busy with stuff during working hours that are not work related…he can only use his lunch hour for that purpose and usually he spend it with me or in his office when he has too much work… That’s why I really feel so confused about this whole thing… As stilseeking has said…This really does not sound like the H who was patient and loving with me for so long (and still is)...the one who stuck with me through more than one D day...the one who always gave me the benefit of the doubt during times he could have mistrusted me...

I just want to mention the niece’s description of the lady in the coffee shop doesn’t fit the appearance of the ex-GF exactly (the lady in the shop had dark brown-red hair and the ex-GF has black hair), but I realize hair color might be the reason for this. My H has a unique appearance that makes the possibility of someone looking just like him very rare, but I guess there might be a possibility that the niece has mistaken him for someone else...I really hope so...

The only thing I can do at this stage is to phone the cell phone company and ask for my H’s cell phone records for the past 6 months or so. I don’t have any access to my H’s work e-mail, so I won’t be able to monitor those e-mails. Is there any way possible to gain access to his work e-mail without him finding out? My H is an IT-specialist and work with computers every day, so I don’t know if I will be able to monitor any of his computer activity without him finding out. I also don’t know if my H has any other Internet e-mails except the one we are using together (the one he sent the sms from). My H rarely make use of the Internet card number to send e-mails and text messages from (the one to the ex-GF is the 1st inappropriate one I discovered), so I do think if there’s any more inappropriate stuff going on he will do it from work (Internet/e-mail).

Before I phone the ex-GF, I will first check out the cell phone records to see what I can find out and then take it from there. If I can't find any more text messages and/or phone calls from his cell phone to his ex-GF, does anyone think it might then be a good indiciation that no A is going on?