I found out a week ago my wife of 7 yrs.,as of 4/20 has deep feelings for another man. She admitts to this and the fact that she has kissed him. She states that the reason for this is that I haven't been making her happy and he makes her feel beautiful. She says she dosn't want for us to end but she is confussed. I kept my cool and didn't blow up about it and told her she needed to figure out what she wanted and we would go from there. She said she would go to counseling but I think it might have been to throw me a bone. I have had self realizations about things I didn't do. I am working on myself so that if things do get better I can contribute to a healthy marriage. She sees these things and either says they wont last or they are smothering her. This friday she gave me a card that with a note that said she was committed to me and that she loved me. I bought into this at first but things just still felt funny. Saturday we went out to dinner. Just us no kids for the first time in over a year. We seemed to have a good time. But I could tell she wasn't really connected. Well come to find out that Friday the OM told her that his wife said it was fine for him to bring home another woman for them. My wife said she was so hurt and mad that she was just a piece of @$# for him. She said she coulldn't belive he was such a jerk. Last night I was snooping on the Comp. and found where she was looking him up on the internet. Even after all that went on Friday. I think I may have helped harbor this affair by not expressing strong enough how I feel. Did I make the situation worse?

SJ, welcome to MB!

Sorry for the situation that brought you here but you're in the right place!

How about some more specifics...how old, how long married, ages of kids, etc.

Have you read up on Plan A?

Snooping is good, but don't let her know all you know until you've got ironclad evidence to back up all you believe is happening.

How does she know this OM? Does she work with him?

You need to also read up on how to expose and to whom.

I think that you did NOT make it worse...you need some time to process and learn, so your NOT acting out with angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments was a GOOD thing.

Others will be by shortly...hang in there!

L2F

For the specifics.
I am 31 and she is 29. we have been married for 7 years as of 4/20. and been together for 10. Our 2 boys are 2 and 4 1/2. I have read plan A but am abit unsure as where I stand with her right now and don't want to make situations worse. Yes she does work with him. He is an on call nurse that she see every other week. I want to tell her to quite her job but I am affraid it will create alot of resentment twards me. My head is just going 100 miles an hour and am so lost. Thank you for your help because I sure need it.

SJ, you are in the right place. Keep reading. The people here have been through it all and are still alive and kicking.

I was "lucky" that my FWH's A was over before I knew about it so I didn't have to work through a Plan A...we skipped right to recovery, but it sounds like you need to really look at Plan A and stick with it.

One thing that I noticed (because it is one of our issues) is that you say you haven't had dinner alone in over a year. It may be an exaggeration, but if it is anywhere close to the truth, that is one of the BIG PROBLEMS. You and your W need to be spending time together ALONE without the kids.

We have three boys, but we MAKE time for each other. We're broke most of the time, so we have a "date night" at home once a week where one of us plans an activity to do (play a game, sit in the hot tub...whatever). We learned it from a book called "Couples and the Art of Play."

But think about it...you haven't been bonding with your W. You're relationship will fade if you don't spend alone time together. If she feels you're smothering her with time alone with her, then she needs to think about what she used to enjoy with you and maybe you can revisit those things. You have to spend time together...without the kids.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask her to change jobs. If she is committed to your M then NOTHING is more important than that. She may just not see that yet. She's in a fog.

Good luck. Keep posting.

That is no joke about over a year. It was our last aniversary and we went out for about an hour. She got to feeling sick and we went home. She just started this job in january after being home for almost 2 years due to the fact that we couldn't afford daycare for the 2 boys on what she was making before. She also has heath care for her and the boys for the first time in 2 years. I am not trying to make excuses but I know what I am going to be up against if I bring this up. I also know that there is no way for her to avoid contact with the OM as long as hse stays at her job. I have tried to be as calm and cool as I can but I think I am somewhere between self blame and anger right now. i think I am getting alot closer to anger and hurt as the day goes on. But I think there might be a shimmer of progress over the weekend together. Or it could just be due to the fact that she was mad at him. I just don't want to lose any progress that I have made.

Unfortunately, once the line was crossed, they can't work together any longer. Otherwise her feelings for him will just continue, and she will have little desire to work on the marriage.

I would inform the other man's wife. You heard from your wife, who heard from him that she welcomed another woman into the marriage. That may not be true. So I would start by letting her know about the affair. Don't tell your wife or they will paint you as a nut case.

After that, ask her to quit her job.

SJ

Read this- Specifically the 2nd and 4th post...

Mark's Troubleshooting and Repair manual

Expect anger, sadness, self-recriminations, depression, etc., etc. The point of MB is to develop a PLAN tht guides you through this tough time.

Your emotions will steer you wrong 90% of the time!!!

That's why you must understand and execute the plan...READ, READ, READ, then execute!

Have a great day and keep your chin up!

L2F

I think I know what to do but I am going to make sure I can keep myself calm before I do anything as showing my anger at this point would null any progress. One of the things she say not to me so I belive it to be true is that she wishes this would have never happened and that she knows it shouldn't have happened. Could me not showing her how angery I am have a negative effect by comming across as uncareing wich got us in this situation in the first place? I plan on calling his wife and tell her what has taken place. I also plan on informing her work as well. well gotta go!

Your anger is totally reasonable. Your W might not be ready to see it though. She has not "let go" of the A yet as she still has contact with OM. Until she has NC, I don't know that she will be able to work on your M without blame-shifting when you get mad.

Like the others have said, read the plans and execute them. She is in a fog...I've heard people here talk about it like alien abduction...so the way she reacts to you probably has less to do with you than you think. If she gets mad at you when you talk with her about not working with him any more, she may be feeling guilty about the desire to still see him and thus gets angry to mask it.

My FWH used to get angry any time I would question another woman. Understand that we had two d-days...one after a two year A that he said was just an EA (it was a PA) and then another when he admitted that the EA was a PA and that it had continued for two more years. In the second two years, anytime I would bring up a question about how he behaved around another woman, he would get angry with me. He was gas-lighting me and totally blame-shifting...asking me when I was going to let it go (even though he knew and I didn't that it was still happening). He has since explained to me that it was because of his inability to talk about the PA he was still having and his anger was really more for him than for me.

Follow the plan. Expose the affair to all involved. Be ready for her reaction, but try to steel yourself and remember that she is an alien right now. Hopefully, she will return to Earth and you can begin recovery.

Well I have learned the anger of a mother to protect her children. It has been an interesting evening. I found a marraige counseler for me to go to today. I told her about my apointment and she all of the suden assumes that I want her to go with me. I told her that it was @ 11:30 and the first thing out of her mouth was you know I can't go durring the day. I said I know but that was the only time could get in. From that point on The evening was crapolla. She was testy and distant. I kinda lost my cool and told her that I wasn't sure how long I could go not knowing wether or not she was committed to our life. I tried not to put it as an ultimatum but that is how she took it. I told her it could be a week a month I didn't know. She told me that she thought I wanted this fixed today. I told her no that there is no way this can be fixed in a day. Then in anger I told her again I don't know how long I could wait and she needed to figure out what is more important to her me and the boys or what ever else she wants. Thats when she blew up and told me to not to even think that I was going to take the boys. I also told her that I didn't think that she could make a clear deccision with him still in the picture. she said I am not going to quit my job. I told her I can't make you. Gotta go!

Are you doing the reading here?

Plan A (where you should start) includes showing her what a great husband you can be, with no disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts. It also includes exposure.

Keep reading here, and don't make it worse.

sj2008,

I was pretty much where you are now about 6 months ago when my H had an EA (emotional affair) with a coworker. Plan A helped me save my marriage.

Your W will be confused and in a bad mood while she is working with OM. Dr. Harley talks about how powerful the feelings of romance are and it has been said to be similar to a drug addiction around here.

You are going to have to work hard at not losing your cool while she is "foggy". Angry outbursts or attempt to control her are just going to push her away.

Believe me, it was hard for me too. I had my Plan A list and I had to review it several times a day to keep myself together.

Here's a good list of what to include in your list.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Have you read up on Emotional Needs and Lovebusters?

Having a plan is what is going to get you through this. We can help you with your Plan A...but you need to read up on all these concepts before you will be able to process them and put them into action.

Hang in there.

SJ, how's the reading going?

I am a FWW and worked with the man I had a PA with, and though the man I had an EA with was in another city, we had to talk daily for the job. Even though I could not stand either of them after I ended the affair(s), there was no true recovery until I quit that job.

As long as she is unwilling to leave her job, I believe true recovery will not be able to start. It sucks, but it is one of the consequences of committing adultery.

Please do as much reading as you can, then read it again. My husband and I are six years post-adultery and I still come and freshen up on the concepts.

SJ, how are things going??