I am in month #4 of recovery with D-Day being Dec. 27, 2007. My H claims he felt frustrated by lack of sex and began having sex with women he met at an online site. OW#3 became a yearlong PA but with the distance between them (55 miles) they only got together 5x and the remainder of the A was thru emails, cards, and daily phone calls. When he begged to come home, I think I forgave him too quickly since we began having SF almost nightly then. Now tho, I have demons that have raised themselves and I have withdrawn from any SF. I explained to H and he says he will work with me on this, and together with the MC we'll get thru.

My question is:
How many of you BS find yourself questioning your ability in bed?
My H was my 2nd because I married my high school sweetheart, and I was his first. I questioned him saying that I was no longer comfortable with our lovemaking and feared he would compare me with the others, and he remarked: "You do okay". Not like that gives me a lot of confidence. How many BS have had this issue intrude their marriages?

I don't question my ability, but I have questioned whether or not one person, regardless of ability, would ever be enough for her.

The fact that we've always been spectacular in bed and she STILL cheated, makes me wonder. There's nothing else I can do to improve my performance. Like Michael Jordan, I've accomplished everything there is to accomplish.

My H had what I would call a ROMANTIC AFFAIR so my response may not be applicable to your situation...

Funny you would ask this today..

I was just thinking how it bothers me MORESO that he gave part of his HEART to another woman...

To ME, the SEXUAL ASPECT of the AFFAIR is not as HURTFUL to me because THAT is something that YOU can easily WORK on ..

SF is ACTIONS/ACTIVITIES..the LOVE aspect of it is what makes it SPECIAL...and I sooo REGRET that he shared HIS LOVE with someone else...that he may have said "I LOVE YOU" during it..or held onto her afterwards..I don't even want to THINK about that..IT'S SO AWFUL...

So you can WORK on improvements in your SEX LIFE...

WORK ON CAPTURING HIS HEART AGAIN and the SF will come NATURALLY...NO PUN INTENDED..I just caught that..LOL at myself...

Since d-day, I've been of the opinion that the cheater should do the lion's share of the "heart capturing". After all, they are responsible for the heartbreak in the first place.

YES!
One of the things my WH said when I confronted him about the A is that I had never satisfied him sexually. OUCH! I try not to dwell on it and I tell myself that it maybe fog speak. However I also do my best to learn how I can improve. My WH was my first and last so I figured maybe there was more I could learn. Yes I'm insecure about it but I don't let that stop me. Fake it till you make it. I have found confidence, having me initiate and being open to try new things was all he really wanted.

Thanks MiMi.
H's A was romantic also in the sense that their one night of sex became emotional and he allowed it to continue even tho he advertised for "no attachments sex" on his profile. (I saw the profile). He told her he loved her and wanted her in his life. I have all the emails copied too. I have addressed this with him. How he could give his heart to a stranger is beyond me, and almost unforgiveable, and how he claimed to not be sorry for their love. I felt like I got the consulation prize.
I suppose I need to work on my demons and if he really wants our M he will have to be patient. After all the h$ll he has put me thru and what she put me thru by "Not going away", it's a small price to pay.

What do you mean? The "cheater" has fallen "in love" with the OP...it's based on a FANTASY that the OP creates but the OP is FILLING THE LOVE BANK once the affair has started in FULL FORCE..

Falling back "IN LOVE" with the spouse occurs AFTER the FOG has lifted, after WITHDRAWAL from the OP...

BTW.....I agree with mimi....My WH also said I love you to the other woman. That is by far the hardest part to get over.

I think that if one spouse isn't satisfied sexually by the other, it's their responsibility to....get this....LET THEM KNOW! TELL THEM WHAT YOU LIKE! TELL THEM WHAT'S MISSING!!

People will do anything for sex...destroy families, risk getting AIDS, knocking up filthy whores because it "feels better without a condom"...whatever it takes to "get some".

So why ON EARTH would you not tell the ONE PERSON you are SUPPOSED to have sex with how they can make your PRECIOUS, ALL-ENCOMPASSING sex better for you? Are you retarded?

Well...not "you"....WS's who use the "I was unsatisfied sexually" excuse to explain their A.

I know it works for some, but I could never bring myself to "win back" my WS. Not gonna happen.

What do you mean? I'm still not getting what you are saying. So how do you DESCRIBE your RECOVERY? Only YOUR TAKER in FORCE? It's not about WINNING vs. LOSING. It's about doing YOUR PART in creating and maintaining a WONDERFUL, LOVING MARRIAGE..the BEST MARRIAGE EVER...

I hear you, but I was doing all that before d-day. After all, I was led to believe that the problems in our M were all MY fault. I worked really hard to be a better husband and father, even though I never was a bad person, and never even considered straying. Then I caught them naked on my couch. Hmmmm.....maybe THAT had something to with our M problems over the previous 3.5 years!

No, I'll not be doing any more to help the M than I was before d-day. I was one helluva husband and father the day before I caught them, and my W admits this. I made a conscious effort for two years prior to d-day, while my W was still meeting with her f_ckbuddy every couple of months.

She can win my heart back, or she can get out.

Krazy:

My viewpoint is that I CAN'T CONTROL my H..can't now..couldn't when he was a wayward. I CAN ONLY WORK ON MYSELF! I can express my feelings to him but I can't tell him HOW/WHY/WHEN I want him to COMMUNICATE with me.

I learned this early on in my coaching with Steve Harley. I'm not throwing this out to say that I know more than others. I'm giving a shout out to Steve 'cause it was such a VALUABLE LESSON.

I was talking to STEVE about what my H shoulda done rather than to have an affair, etc...The answer back was: "What did YOU do?; What can YOU do?"

That remains MY MAJOR FOCUS..being the BEST WIFE EVER...and, IN RETURN, HE is WONDERFUL to ME...

The way Steve put it to me was, "Did your H have to DO or SAY certain things when you were FIRST DATING that made YOU ACT LOVING TOWARDS HIM? It's OUR JOB to WORK ON OURSELVES to MEET OUR SPOUSE'S PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEEDS..not to WIN them back..IT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO BE..

THIS WAS NOT TRUE FOR ME, KRAZY!! I WAS NOT!! Our situations are ENTIRELY DIFFERENT!!

WadeA:

During the MB weekend, Dr. Harley is very specific in describing a "normal" sexual relationship.

Mainly to address many concerns about "what are we doing and are we doing it right?" He was not graphic, but he was descriptive.

As Mimi said, for the SF to come naturally, many things have to going right. You have to be connected to your spouse, you have to be in the mood, the bills have to be paid, the kids have to be in bed, and ten thousand other things.

Affair SF has none of those requirements. It has danger and secrecy and passion and ten thousand other things to make the physical act itself supposedly so much better. Then once it becomes routine, then all the things listed in the third paragraph start to weigh heavily on the A, and then the A thuds to the ground.

Because your just stuck with someone who is cheating with you.

But, are you good in bed?

Depends. On ALOT of things.

Do you have a passion for it? Did you have a passion for it?

Your H may not have been very good either, remember that.

For SF to be really great, You have to give in. Completely. When you hold anything back, then it translates into a less than satisfying encounter. And MEN are so much more guilty of this then women. Slam bam, thank you, ma'am. And they can be content. That's really disappointing and SO un-MB.

More later...Gotta run.

LG




Your H may not have been very good either, remember that.

All of our situations are different. Isn't this fun? yuck

Krazy:

I know..YUCK..

For me, SF is all about intimacy. My ex and I waited until we married to have sex. We knew each other well before that - you know the kind of closeness where you are both in a crowded room and something is said, and you look each other in the eye and know exactly what the other one is thinking?

The other kind of SF, I call monkey sex. And that is fun from time to time in a marriage.

But for my love to tell me "you do okay", and to be thrilled about an affair partner that was long distance, who he really didn't even know, would leave me cold. It is about as intimate as picking a hooker off the street, paying her $50. for car sex. YUCK!!!!!!!

If he were my husband, I think I would explore what was so attractive about sex with practically a stranger.

Because if the two of you haven't developed a good, married, intimate SF relationship, you are both missing out.

My WH also used our lousy sex life as his main reason for having an A. Before I knew about the A, I knew he wasn't happy with our sex life. We didn't have many discussions about it because WH wouldn't talk much, but what he did say took a huge toll on my self confidence.

He told me that he could tell when we made love that I didn't really want it and that I wasn't really into it. He wanted to know that I wanted it as bad as he did. I tried to think back on the times we'd had sex and couldn't think of anything I may have done that would have given the impression I didn't really like it. I thought I was pretty enthusiastic - especially when it didn't happen but once a month or so. He couldn't give me details, so I had nothing more to go on. I'd knock myself out to be fantastic in bed and still not make him happy. I'd try to initiate more often and he'd usually turn me down. My confidence here was absolutely gone.

So, because of all this I am definitely insecure and don't really know what to do about it even now. If we do pick up our sex life again (which will only happen if my WH becomes a confirmed FWH), I hope we can make it work for both of us. I want that very much.

Krazy...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are most likely feeling resentful that YOU are being told that the path to a better M is for you to woo your ww back and you think she should be doing that! I get what you're saying. I was livid when I realized what I was doing. Why should I, the one left home with the kiddies, put on a smile and win H back? It angers me some days when I lose control of my rational mind. But, somehow, when you put your pride on a shelf it does actually work. My H had an EA with a co-worker that never progressed to PA. But, he cared enough to say the words to me..."I think maybe I'm supposed to be with her.." OUCH! Well, this seems to have passed. But, how long are we supposed to paint on a smile? I can only say this...as the time passes and I notice my H WANTS to be with me, the work on my part lessens. It eventually gets to a point where the two roads become one. I'm just about there...as long as OW remains NC!!
I know it seems odd and against the grain, but what means more--your pride or your marriage?