a direct attack from Satan? H indicated recently that he thinks we're under attack, because we're making progress. I wonder if it's that, or just a coincidence of a lot of rough things at once.

We've been doing well. And suddenly, the past few days, everything feels like it's falling to pieces.

OM popped up in our lives again, visiting our family blog and my MySpace page, daily. [shrug] Okay, no big, my feelings for him are starting to fade, and I'm definitely separating the man from the fantasy. He's not attempting contact, so who cares, right? I showed H the moment I saw that he'd been there, and we talked a bit. I wondered why he's still hanging around when he's got a new love in his life, but honestly didn't care much at the time.

Then, H told me yesterday that OM made a crummy comment about him (H) on a message board the three of us used to frequent. I don't go there at all anymore, so I only heard it secondhand. H deleted his account there, but still visits, apparently. Sounds like OM is still active there.

I spent all day Saturday showing H affection, something that is a huge EN of his, so I've been really exerting myself to fulfill it. We were apart at our jobs most of the day, so at work, I kept sneaking back to the office to send him flirty text messages, and pics of me from my phone. He responded enthusiastically, asking for more several times, so I kept it up. Then, late Saturday night, he told me that every time I texted him it was a trigger, because I'd texted OM. He was forcing himself to respond to be nice. I felt SO LOW.

SF is suddenly a disaster the past few days. (And no, I'm not going into details there, it just is.)

A mild medical issue I've had for a few years very suddenly grew to an emergency room visit, lots of new drugs, and talk of surgery next month.

H indicated this morning that he's afraid of me going back to OM because of everything that's happening. I feel old, fat, ugly, and used up, on top of being horrified at what I did ANYWAY.

We're just...suddenly not connecting because of everything that's suddenly happened the last few days. When the first thing hit, I blew it off because I felt like together, the two of us could continue working through this. But then stuff just kept coming, and happening, and we're both overwhelmed and scared, I think.

What do we do?!

Arghh!!! I posted a long response to you and then this crazy new AOL toolbar caused it to get lost.

Essentially what I was saying is that sometimes we give too much credit or power to the bad guy. Oh, he'll try and try to destroy families whenever given the chance, but greater is He that is in us, right?

You guys are still way early into recovery. Triggers are going to abound for awhile. They will get less and less as time goes on. Hopefully Lala will post to you because she gives GREAT advice on recovery and has walked in your shoes.

Also, no contact means no contact, by either one of you. If either of you KNOW that OM frequents a particular site, then BOTH of you need to stay away from that site. Anytime there is contact of any type, the clock goes back to zero.

(((ILMK)))

Satan can definitely show up during recovery. Sounds like you are making a good effort. If you weren't, then Satan could forget about you and leave you to your own undoing.

I DO suggest that you stay off of any site where OM could visit, or block him in some manner. Everytime you see him (even on the computer) it will set back your recovery.

By the way, did you send OM a MB approved no contact letter, approved by hubby?

For pete's sake get rid of places you don't need.

Get rid of myspace and family blogs. Adults have no need for myspace other than hookups. Make it a private site if you wish so that he can't get in or see you.

Cut the online cord (except for MB, where sanity exists) and get rid of the roads that led you to infidelity.

Sorry if I offend myspace users, but my marriage was destroyed through that site used for "innocent flirting" and to "make friends".

Shut off your site and focus on being with your man than with being online.

Myspace is the equivalent of hanging out at night clubs or bars when you're married. You're playing with fire by being there and there's better places to be, such as playing with your kids or haning out with your spouse.

Sorry for my anti-myspace rant, but I just don't understand the need for adults to be on there and write blogs no one reads.

Keep your family informed with emails. Shut off the social networking sites.

I agree with Pom...the very first thing is to eliminate all of those external things that are unnecessary. This is very important for both of you. Even checking to see if OM has been looking is a form of contact and keeps thoughts of this man in the forefront of your minds. And believe me--there will be enough triggers that you don't see coming or cannot control that you will have to deal with, such as the text msgs.

BELIEVER IS RIGHT-IF YOU HAVEN'T SENT THE NC LETTER, IT MUST BE DONE IMMEDIATELY!!!!

I posted to you on recovery, and I think I already told you this, but just in case...there will be times when you may get through a whole week or even a month and you will start to think everything is be fine, the worst is over! And the one thing happens, and then another, and then another and all of a sudden you feel like you are back at square one all over again. I say this NOT to discourage you, but to prepare you for what is ahead. That way, when those down times hit, you don't get frustrated and can remain positive and supportive and loving.

If you are anything like me, though, the depression over what you have done will wear on you as well. I just got onto ADs about 3 weeks ago to help with this. My husband doesn't need to deal with my guilt and sadness (although he would do so willingly, and does!) when he has his own pain to heal. It's OK to help each other, though...I am just trying to give you some tips to make it (hopefully) a little less painful.

I was reading your update a few days ago on recovery and it seemed you were relying on the humor that has always been in your relationship to help pull you through. We do the same thing...that is GREAT!

The road to recovery is LONG and HARD, even though you are both on board and working towards it. Just hang in there, be patient, forgive yourself as your husband is trying to do, remove ALL triggers possible, get on ADs sooner rather than later (BOTH OF YOU) to give you some relief...even just for 6-12 months to get over the first year of "D-day anniversaries" and the worst of the trigger stage. (Warning...Effexor is a popular drug by the docs and many people have an excruciatingly hard time, as I did, getting back off of them...the physical effects are unreal. I have heard that Paxil is similar). I am trying Wellbutrin, but there are many others...just ask your doc (OK, now I sound like one of those commercials-lol)!

Come here for support, and make sure hubby keeps coming here, too, because we are here to help you BOTH. Make sure to keep to your own threads, though, because couples that come here together can really hinder their own recovery by stepping all over each other's threads (and yes, I hear that voice in your head that say "Nah-we're not like that!"). WRONG!!! Recovery is TOUGH, it will be the hardest thing either one of you have been through in your lives up to this point...maybe EVER. But you love each other, that is very obvious...you can do this!! Keep working together!

Quick reply, more later. NC letter was sent w/H's approval, a while back.

I wouldn't worry too much about Satan attacking you directly...he's got bigger fish to fry. His backlog of things to do in Washington, D.C. alone should keep him busy through the summer.

Probably longer....

Why does it have to be satan? Why can't it be a combination of leaving yourself exposed, continued consequences your choices, and a little bad luck hitting all at once? Consider...


You're exposed. Pom is right; delete your myspace page. Myspace is for hookups, teeny-boppers and pedophiles anyway. Make your family blog password protected so the world can't read it.


Your H should stop reading that message board.


Now you know a big trigger for your H, so you can stop doing it. On the flip side, if he was triggering, he shouldn't have forced himself to respond and keep the trigger going. Triggers are one of the consequences of the choices you made.


This happens even in marriages that have not experienced infidelity. Many would envy having even disastrous SF. Learn what you can from it and move on.


I'm very sorry to hear that, and I hope you can get yourself the care you need. This is an opportunity for you to allow your H to care for you, and an opportunity for your H to focus beyond his own pain.


His fear and your self-esteem issue seem completely normal given the circumstances.

I think *anyone* can get overwhelmed and scared sometimes, especially when things happen right after the other with no break in between. I know I get that way. You're doing fine.

Agree with Papa (Pom), get off the blog and myspace pages. Start your own private webpage, or AT LEAST set your myspace to PRIVATE, so that OM can't look at it.

Stop checking to see if OM's checkin up on you. Flip this marriage upside down and marriage proof it.

And, IMO, Satan can only go where people ALLOW him. It's a choice.

ILMK:

Shut down the myspace and family blogs.

Passwords are not enough.

If you don't want to be contacted, then you don't leave the door open.

You WANT the OM to look. "Does he still CARE?"

Or the myspace and family blogs would have already been closed.

Maybe you hadn't considered it. But your BH recognizes it.

Shut them down.

About the TM's and pics to your H?

You were having fun. Then your H told you how it made him feel. That it was a trigger. Something that you used to never do with him, but that you did with your OM.

Time to start owning the triggers. Ace in Bucket has a thread from a while ago about this. My opinion is, that your husband has to own the triggers, by making those memories his, and NOT the OM and yours. My BS was very hesitant to talk on the phone. OW and I talked for hours. BS decided she would learn to talk. I also called HER to talk. And talked about all sorts of things. Some of them related to our marriage, but many having nothing to do with it. WE reconnected that way. My BS owns that trigger now. There are other similar things that we have addressed over time.

Some triggers may be impossible to own. And may never go away. And may take drastic measures to resolve. Moving away, changing jobs, selling cars... Etc.

Your early in this recovery thing. Its described as a roller-coaster. But your HERE. That makes a huge difference. You two are experincing the downhill portion of the ride right now. For a couple of weeks you were slowy moving upwards. Then the top is reached and "swwooosh" down to the bottom of the hill you go...

But it gets better.

LG

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

That was priceless!!!

One quick reply to clarify, as I'm still processing all this.

Our family blog is about 4 years old- 3 years older than any acquaintance we had w/OM. He and I never discussed it, etc. He didn't know about it, had never been there. He found it recently by Googling our family.

It gets 30+ hits a day from all over the world, and Sitemeter has been in place for ages. It's interesting to see who visits, from where, and why. It really had nothing to do w/OM.

Doesn't mean we won't take any advice, just clarifying a point.

Wow. Again, thanks for all the advice. I didn't realize my going to those boards where OM was a problem or set me back to the beginning of recovery, in fact, I laughed at the crappy comment he made about me because it was so ridiculous. But that's okay, I won't check up on him any more either (I had been checking on him there and on his myspace - mostly because if certain things there change, it will be obvious that he's back in contact with my W).

I think we both should probably get rid of our myspace pages. But we've had our family blog for ages (as my W mentioned before I could finish typing this :-) and have friends and family that visit there and leave comments - even our daughter blogs there. And it makes me very happy when my W blogs about how much she loves me or how much fun we had on a date or otherwise praises me "publicly" that way.

I do think Satan (and his accomplices) can be behind the attacks, and ask God every day to protect us and help us have the strength do deal with it.
See, my opinion is, Satan doesn't need to focus on the politicians, because they're all dirty anyway - it's the believers like me and my W who are struggling in our relationship that he focuses on because he knows we're worth the effort. If he can turn us, he's really done something - but if he's turned a politican - who cares? But I'm sure it's also some of the "combination of leaving yourself exposed, continued consequences your choices, and a little bad luck hitting all at once," because I think Satan takes advantage of those things.

I've been on ADs for about 2 months, but I think I want to have my doc up my script. And I suggested last week I think that my W call our doc about starting on them too.

As for owning the triggers; there's some things I'm willing to own (we use IM now, and never did before), and some I'm not (gaming inclusive, those boards, etc). Some are too painful right now, and some I just don' wanna (cause TMs are too expensive!).

The problem with the SF thing (if I understand the abbreviation) has happened before and I don't think it has anything to with A. And it definitely doesn't have anything to with my W - she's not, as she said "old, fat, ugly, and used up." That's just crazy talk. I try every day to convince her otherwise.

She did send the NC email awhile back after I had approved it. Initially I had told her NC meant none at all, not even the NC letter - just leave that @#$%^& hanging in the wind wondering. But after I read her letter, I was on-board.

Thanks again for all the advice and help. I need to come back here more often, not just when my W suggests it.

Okay, settled in for the evening and can start responding in more depth.

I've been thinking about AD's. I was on Effexor for Seasonal Affective Disorder a while back, and LaLa is right. Withdrawal is a nightmare. (If you don't know, google "Effexor" and "Brain Shivers". Awful stuff.) Because of that, I automatically resist any suggestion of AD.

However, I AM a mess. The other night, after the text message trigger incident, I cried for two hours straight. Poor H was just dumbfounded. The new drugs for the medical issue are driving my hormones bananas, so that's probably part of it.

I'm struggling with the thing about our family blog. That's ours. Our little family - we've all contributed for four years. It was never part of the A. OM didn't find it until NC had been established for good. And I'll be da**ed if I'll let him take that away from us. He's taken enough. (And yes, I know I'm equally culpable here. But I don't want to lose anything else, darn it.)

We'll see - H and I will talk in the morning when I'm not so run down.

Oh, and Hey honey? Get off my thread! ;-)

I suggest you try another anti-D.

Then get rid of all myspace/other sites where OM could watch.

The family blog, while important, isn't more important than your family.

If the two of you pray, I would pray for Satan to be rebuked.

I'm on Levaquin and so far so good, though, as I mentioned, I could maybe up the dosage.



This is true. But it's part of the family - something we all share. Our oldest daughter blogs there and her friends visit. When our other kids are old enough, we'll let them blog there too if it's still around.


Not in those particular words, but yes we have.