just bumping back to the top

alltohard I'm sorry I couldn't back to you sooner. I've got a situation here I'm dealing with and don't have much time right now. UGH! There have been alot of posts dealing with boundaries and unfortunately the search section here isn't working right now. I'll try and give you a start at least and hopefully I'll have more time and can post back later, ok?!

First there is only room for 2 people in a M NOT 3. Cross that boundary and there are serious consequences.

No one of the opposite sex as individual friends IF not friends of the M.

I've got to run but just give you food for thought boundaries help protect you but they are also ways you will behave.

I'll try to get back to you soon.

thanks MVG I appreciate it any other info u can provide will be happily taken on board.

I have found him really up and down the past few days and to frank it is really getting up my nose but I am maintaining a positive oulook and not LB just screaming really loud when I get off the phone from him.

I hope it gets easier soon. I know there isnt much I can do at the moment as we are in separate states but I am starting to feel very apprehensive about the move...... I have all these doubts. Does he deserve another chance?? Am I making a huge mistake giving up my support network for him?? I just keep telling myself that a fresh start will be a great opportunity for us right now.

If anyone else would like to add their boundaries I would be eternally grateful.

Stay strong! They say the Lord gives us only the challenges that he knows we can handle. It is such a terrible feeling of being lost and floundering but we are here for you to hold you up, and help you to get thru this trial.

I'm in month #4 since D-Day and only NOW is H beginning to come thru withdrawal. I've had to deal with the moods where he goes off into the back bedroom for "quiet time". He confided in MC that's when he thinks on OW. We argued in February about the Christmas gifts she gave him and I wanted him to toss those out but he wouldn't. Last week he told me he threw them away. I guess what I am trying to say, is that it does take time and eventually Hs do come around.

You will find yourself in a depression where nothing else in life matters but this too will pass. Lean on the church and the people close to you, to be your strength.

I just discoved he has sent her 5 text messages today and to say the least I am pissed off but I cant confront him about it when we are not together...... I hate all of this he has no idea the pain he is putting me through.

I am hoping she is LBing him because of her so called pregnancy.

I need to find out who her partner is and quick to put a stop to this any ideas on how I do that??

I don't know if your internet is the same, but with a few choice phone numbers, I did very well on finding info on my H's OW. I did find a scrap of paper in his wallet with her work numbers so that helped.
On "Google" I typed in her home phone number and got her name and home address. I had her work # from his paper so I now have a workplace. I googled her email address and found entries she has made to other sites. I even have her Classmates.com profile!! My H's OW is divorced but usually phones are listed under the husband's name so if your OW is married the listing may be done that way. This is one way to acquire his name.
Good luck!

Ok tried all your suggestions wadeallie and I came up with Nada.

All I have on her is a cell number, a hotmail address and her name which didnt produce anything at all.

I keep trying to call her number but it is never ever switched on I get the impression she doesnt want him to contact her. She may just switch it on briefly to get her messages????

I have a feeling this isnt the only phone she has and I also get the feeling my WH isnt the only guy she has met on the net and is stringing along she is way too good at it for it to have been her first........ that makes me all the madder cause she is toying with peoples lives not to mention her poor partner (if he even exists) probably has no idea what the cow is up to.

I read on another thread abut the OW being trash, well I can safely say this one is trash. What self respecting woman meets a man online and the first thing she says to him is about offering him sexual favours....... I find it disgusting........ not to mention begins sending semi nude pictures of herself to some man she doesnt even know.

I an repulsed by her for making the female species look so skanky and I am disgusted by him for falling for her devious behaviour.

I am so sick of thinking about all of this. I want to punch WH right where it will hurt the most so then perhaps he gets a sense of some of the pain I am going through.

I am not going to give up until I find more information on her and expose her to her H or partner or whatever.

Any more advice would be greatly appreciated.

update time...... spoke to him tonight and he sounds better. But it is so hard to tell, still keeping the conversations light and focusing on him and what he is doing which seems to be working.

I get the feeling something happened with him and OW yesterday cause he was quite mad/annoyed last night and then he was crappy today but seemed ok tonight.

I am wondering if they had some sort of argument via text msg cause yesterday was the most msgs he has sent her for ages and he didnt call her????

As her phone is off pretty much all the time I am wondering what is going on.

Being the BS leaves so many unanswered questions and so much wondering about what might, is or could be going on.... it is really draining emotionally and so hard to detach from the situation.

I am thinking about taking up swimming so then I can just go under water and swim lap after lap as slow or fast as I like and be alone in the water and not have to hear the world going by and I can leave my emotions on the pool steps.

I am still looking for any advice on boundaries that other BS put into place during plan A and how they worked out if any one wants to post them here it would be greatly appreciated.

Just checking in on you while I have a minute.

alltohard I've made some assumptions...can you fill me in on these ?'s?

when you moved back home did he ask you to?
did he agree to NC with OW and to work on your M?
did y'all discuss your M and problems that exist in not meeting EN's, LB's, etc?
how long were you together after moving home before he left for new job?
does your H want you to join him at his new location?

Keep your chin up! (((alltohard)))

Yes, my MB claim to fame is that I orignated the term "Plan FU" - which is NOT an MB-approved tactic but has been known to work on *some* WSs. Use with caution, however, the same way you'd use a shoulder-carried grenade launcher to knock the pigeons off your roof. IOW, you'll probably get the pigeons but there could be collateral damage.
Mulan

I bumped up a thread called "Mulan on Boundaries", which some folks have said they've found helpful.
Mulan

Thank you Mulan!!!!

alltohard here's the link Mulan & boundaries

Hi MVG
to answer your questions....
Yes we discussed me moving back home we had been discussing it for some time but it was me that was stalling. I had actually in Feb decided I couldnt play his games anymore and I wrote him a plan B letter and handed it to him in MC and he flipped out. It was a couple of weeks after this that I came home and he had sent her a letter ending it as I feel she had been found out at her end.

He never agreed to NC but he did agree to work on the M. He even told the family he was going to work things out with me and make a fresh start. I havent pushed for NC because he wasnt contacting her until the last few days and I am wondering if it is because he is lonely (not making excuses just wondering).

Yes we have discussed the ENs etc and I am doing everything he has asked for. I know I have to put some boundaries in place but it is impossible to do that until I am with him.

From what I can tell he wants me over there, he hasnt said otherwise. He seems excited about going and buying new furniture for the house and he is making an effort to make sure I am ok etc etc.

It is just so difficult trying to read him and keep doing plan A when I am not with him.

How was this man as a husband BEFORE the affair? I'm just wondering because of your family of origin issues. Hope you will get some counseling for those. Some women marry a man who is not good for them because of FOO issues.

Believer he has always been head strong but in saying that he has always been a good husband. Always reliable, helpful, loving etc. He has never been overly affectionate in public but that is ok as neither am I so that worked for us.

It is like he had a mini breakdown when he didnt get into the police force. I tried to be supportive but it got impossible to maintain a level of support and not loose it myself through all of that.

We both come from broken families and his dad was a real womaniser went from one wife to the next and he never discusses this behaviour and that scares the crap out of me.

I need more advice as his work are giving him a computer and one of my boundaries was no computer in the house.

He told me they were giving it to him but he never asked me how I felt about it and of course I was upset and I told him so. He thinks it is ok cause he told me he was getting it and didnt just spring it on me when I arrived. Well after I got upset about it and got off the phone he sends me the following text message.......

'I want to make this clear I moved over here to get away from all that crap there if you bring that crap with you DONT BOTHER COMING because I will pack your bags for you. I am not going to explain what I chose to do if that is a problem that is something you will have to deal with as I am sick of living my life based on what is best for others'

What the hell do I do now???? He has absolutely no respect for my feelings at all, he has completely changed. Tell me this is just fog babble and how should I handle it.

Does he NEED a computer for work? He may have felt he was being open & honest by telling you he was getting it and then when you told him you were upset may have felt LBed. I don't know, depends on how you told him you were upset. I'm not justifying anything for him just giving you possibilities.

I know others (myself included) have said if there is computer then I want ALL passwords, email accounts, etc. Even with cellphones transparency must be maintained....telling you if OW contacts him or he contacts her. Transparency must be maintained.

Just to clarify....does he have any remorse for the A?

Not agreeing to NC is a red flag to me.


Could be cake eating. As long as he's maintaining any contact with OW whether she responds back or not will keep him stuck in a bad position.

Maybe you need to find out EXACTLY what does a fresh start mean to HIM as well as this
Is he sick of living whats BEST for you M? It sounds like his taker is very much in place.

If it were me I'd ask are you still contacting OW. Others may not agree but that's what I'd do. If he fesses up then need to find out why and where you stand with him. If he lies I would be thinking long and hard before permantly moving there. I'd want some committment from him on your M.

Hopefully some more experienced Vets will chime in.

(((alltohard)))

MVG I feel like I have known you for years I just want to give you a big hug!!!!!

I dont really think he needs a computer for work it has been offered so he is taking it. To be honest I am not sure if he needs it or not, I would say no but I could be wrong.

I will be asking for all passwords etc and then I am happy to have one.

I know he has remorse for the A cause he refuses to talk about it. When he feels bad about something or he knows he is wrong he wont talk about it that is the way he is. That makes it really tough for me cause he may have put it behind him but I am still in a huge amount of pain because of it all and I need some reassurance....... the main issue is I married the most stubborn male on planet earth and a big part of his personality is no one can make him do anything he has to decide on his own and if you try to make him he only makes the wall bigger. He was diagnosed with crohns disease as a teenager and he was very ill for a longtime and unfortunately it took 2 years to diagnose his illness (back then they couldnt diagnose like they can now) and during that time his family and doctors were telling him the pain was all in his head and to basically suck it up..... that has made him hard in some respects.

I spoke to him not long ago and he seemed normal again. I just checked his phone usage for today and he hasnt contacted her, I have a feeling something went pear shaped yesterday with her. He hasnt agreed to NC because he stopped contacting her and I made the mistake of just letting it go, I will be asking for NC now though.

He has made a huge committment to our M by asking me to come over there, if he wanted out then that was the way out cause the job he has been offered includes a house with all expenses paid. I am trying hard to be patient, unfortunately patience has never been one of my strong points.

I took a bath and put on my favourite piano music while I was in there and now I feel relaxed and ready to face the next installment in the ongoing saga of my marriage LOL I am glad I still have my sense of humour.

Thanks MVG I really appreciate that you keep checking my thread it means alot to me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Glad you are feeling a bit better!

Have you read the articles Dr. Harley has available here? There are some other very worthy threads written which are so helpful. I'm listing a few here, but also look under the different forums for others, ok?.

Joseph's Letter

the carrot & the stick

for newly betrayed spouses

Wats quick start guide

Unfortunately some of those threads may include broken links due to the recent web update here, along with the search feature not being functional at this time. I'm told they are working to fix both.

Read, ask questions, get prepared the best you can.