Well I finally moved out of the house, as per my husband request. Its a long story, but i guess you can read some of my old posts. Basically it boils down to my husband not wanting my 16 yr old son in the house anymore ( not his bio). We have been married for 8 yrs and now that son is teenager, he says he cant deal with the "BS" any more. My son is mouthy and sometimes has an attitude, i admit that. On the other hand, my husband nit picks at every thing he does. CONSTANTLY!!!! so the house was like a war zone, and i felt like I was walking on eggshells.
My husband told me to move out about 3 months ago, i finally found a place i could afford and here we are.
My son doesnt seem to be bothered, i think he has mixed feelings with my husband. he likes him sometimes and hates him other times. I feel so lonely, i feel like I am in limbo. My husband keeps saying he doesnt want a divorce, he isnt looking to date anyone etc and that he still loves me, but cant live with my son.
He seems perfectly content living alone. I went over to finish getting some odds and ends and he is fine, bought some "bachelor food" LOL, pizza, canned stuff etc. He watchs TV and comes and goes as he pleases. If I dont call him, he doesnt call me. I have tried to talk to him and all he does is get upset, says he has told me how he feels over and over..but I am still confused. He wont or cant tell me if we are going to get back together, he wont tell me not to date ( not that I want to ) he wont elaborate on anything. He seems fine with being married yet we live apart. He hasnt told anyone in his family about this but when he does I am sure he will blame it all on my son, saying he was an impossible teenager, did this, did that etc. My son is a handful at times, he does get mouthy and defies the rules, but he is not a bad kid..he doesnt do drugs, no drinking and goes to school every day and gets mostly B's and A's. He works 20-25 hrs a week. This day and age I am thankful for that.
But it isnt good enough for my husband, I need to knock my kid on his A** when he mouths off according to him...
My question is..what do I do?? Do I call husband and act friendly , do I continue to try and work on the relationship ( we had problems too it isnt all about my son in my opinion), do I not call him again and wait and see what happens? I love him and am afraid that this separation is going to be permanent. That hurts me! Never thought I would be alone at this stage in my life..My son will be outta the house in 2 yrs and then what??? Am I then supposed to run back to husband since son is out of house?? what about the 2 yrs I would have lived alone and all the times i cried over all this mess, missing him and our life together?
I dont mean to sound like a wimp! I can support myself, not in the lap of luxury and I have to be careful what I spend on, but I miss the companionship, conversation with another adult, doing things we used to do, and intimacy...
Please help with any advice....

Hi Luly! First, here's my new email: laura103160@aim.com. I have yours.

How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008b_qa.html

There's a very important aspect in that Q&A from Dr. Harley. You may have already read it...then reread.

I don't have much time at the moment, getting ready for work. I will come back later. But I saw you haven't gotten any responses and wanted to say hi. You may get more advice in the EN forum.

You and your H never reached POJAs re your son, or if you did, one or both of you failed to follow through. I suspect no follow-through because you weren't enthusiastic about the agreements you had supposedly reached. Meaning, no true POJA!

At this point, you seem willing to work on the marriage, so I will encourage you that way, and positively support your attempts. I will remind you once again you have trouble with LBs. lol. No big surprise I'd say that. And, no big surprise you do (have trouble with LBs). smile

There are other problems in your marriage besides disagreements on raising your S. Your H was not meeting your ENs. You were not consistently meeting his. This separation could actually be a very good thing - time to work on several issues but the ability to go back to your "separate corners" while you are working things out.

Okay, I'll be back later with more comments. Hugs.

Hi luly,

Sorry about you having to move. I know it's tough being the mom of a teenage son. My oldest is 16 and while he doesn't do drugs or get in trouble, his attitude and mouth really wear me out some days. My ex husband couldn't deal with it at all; although that isn't why we divorced. But I can understand how torn you are, as you love both your husband and your son.

Hang in there, I hope it will all work out for you.

Deb

Luly - would you agree with this - your H can't deal with your S's attitude and defiance toward set rules. You have talked about it as a couple many times. The subject comes up especially if you try to confide your worries to your H. Your H then tries to "set you straight" on how to handle S while he amplifies the potential problems. Of course, you don't agree with his strong suggestions. You either (a) ignore your H's advice, (b) agree with your H to get him to shut up, THEN ignore his advice, or (c) tell him nope, you're NOT going to do that....and either the fight's on or there's some very cold shoulders....

Are any of those good for your marriage?

Are you allowing your S to disrespect you? To disrespect your H? If so, why is it okay that he disrespects either of you? What is your S learning? And, as a result, what is your H learning?

What happens when your S doesn't follow simple house rules? (like, picking up wet towels on the bathroom floor) Is your S helping out more since the separation?


No, he can't answer these questions right now. Don't expect him to. He doesn't know how it would work, and nothing, or not enough, has changed yet so he can see it happening. Quit trying to manipulate his interest by asking if you should be dating - what, do you want to set up a situation where he WILL want a divorce and cry to his family how awful you are???


Okay, just prompting your thoughts. What companionship? What conversation? What things you used to do? What intimacy? I remember the frustrating parts you had shared - he didn't talk much, watched a lotta TV...and no intimacy. Tell us about the good parts.

I know that this is a mess right now for me. My son is acting out a bit more, he seems frustrated, has alot on his plate also, not that all this makes an excuse for his attitude. Since we moved out I thought he would be better, but thats not the case.
We went to see his counselor and he was almost on the verge of tears. He blurted out that this separation is not his fault, ( i think it has alot to do with it but , yes, it is not 100% his fault). He says he doesnt care, if i want to move back in with husband, he will move to his dad's ( NOT AN OPTION) I couldnt live with that...
after talking to the counselor, he seemed better. I agreed not to "[censored]" at son for everything, and will stick to some guidelines on his mouth and curfew etc. He agreed to control his anger and learn ways to manage it before he blows.

As for husband, well, I know that it wasnt perfect. We had problems before. But unfortunately, I love him and YES this separation is hurting me. I feel alone, even though most times he was home in body and nothing more.

I didnt call him yesterday and am going to try to stick to my guns and not call him. I am going to give him time to enjoy his "solitude and quiet". I will have to contact him for things that we still have to talk about, certain bills and stuff, but thats it. I will keep it friendly and end the conversation with out asking "what is going to happen to us" etc etc. I'm sorry, but I just cant help feeling down and lonely.
Husband is looking forward to the nice weather, motorcycle riding, fishing etc. some of the stuff we used to do..and I sit here. This sucks! I know very little people here, in this small stick town there is nothing to do unless u drink and sit at the local bars/restaurants...
Maybe I am messed up, maybe I need time to hurt and heal..but it still stinks anyways!

Luly

Do you really want to go back with the problems you had in all the other areas too? You were very unhappy, Luly. I'm not saying divorce him. But I'm wondering if you can use this time to get to know him again...start out just enjoying time together. Riding the bike, fishing. Perhaps a "date night" thrown in there. Reconnect.

What are the guidelines about your S's mouthiness and curfew now? What are you going to do if he breaks them?

Why is your S living with his dad not an option? I thought they had a pretty close relationship when you lived closer. Did something happen?

Hi Laura and as always thanks for the input. My son does have a curfew, and if he breaks it, he loses tha car for a day. I am trying to stick to his counselors advise, but all in all, he seems calmer and when he starts to lose control, I walk away and give him a few minutes and then we discuss whatver is on his mind. My oldest son lives close and has a lot of contact with my youngest, so when youngest starts to get "uppidy" he knows his brother will plop him down really quick and that is helping to help him control his emotions better. As for his BIo dad, he now realizes that he is an idiot and shouldnt be allowed to raise a goldfish!!! My son really wants nothing to do with his dad, this was his decision. He talks to him occasionally and visits maybe once a month for a few hours, he wont stay the night like he used to...he says its "a pity visit" cuz his dad cries the woes of not seeing him. This from a man that has paid only 41 a month in child support for his son since 2000, while working under the table and making 60-70,000 a year!!! Son finally realized that, and all the broken promises to son...
As for hubby, I dont want to go back with the same problems we had before. I would like it if we did try to work on the problems while we are living apart ( as he said we would do). But that isnt happening apparently.How can you work on things when we dont talk or do anything together??? He doesnt call me unless I call him for something, he has come over once to check something on the puter, but it was civil and he didnt discuss anything personal about us. When I asked him about "us" he told me I had to give him time. Well you know, that excuse like all his others is getting old.
I would like to be asked out maybe to dinner or for a ride or fishing, but it aint happening. He says we will see each other all the time, and he doesnt understand that "seeing each other for business" is not what I am asking for.
Now he is in Missouri, he bought a boat, so he called me last night so that I could go to his house and let the dog out for awhile ..hmmm yea a real personal talk....
this is what is frustrating to me. I dont want to think this way, but I think he just wants to live alone and was looking for any excuses to get me to move....NONE of his relationships have lasted more than 3 yrs!!! WOW I broke the record, almost 8 yrs
Am I an idiot? Everytime I see him, I want a hug or some thing to show he does love me..maybe some glimmer that we will work on problems and maybe get together again. If not then he needs to be a man and tell me!! But he wont..he says he loves me and doesnt want anyone else.
I am so freaking confused I dont know how to act, what to do..
Laura, you know me so well, I need step by step guidance when it comes to this
I am tired of crying, being here alone most of the time, not knowing anyone..damn!! Should I start to try and socialize and maybe even try to get a date?? nothing serious, just another adult to talk to , do something with..
Ughhh Help!!!

NO.

Avoid men in ANY intimate setting.

YES, get out and socialize. Meet your neighbors. Chat at stores. Go to church. Check out scheduled activities at your local library/book store. Volunteer at a hospital.

What about not contacting your H? Give him some space. See if he misses you.

The alternative is to invite him over for a homecooked meal....and maybe a movie....and not talk about the relationship. Just spend time together.