I am new to this forum. I admit that I haven't read all of the advice yet on infidelity. I had an affair and my husband has found out. We've been married almost eight years and have two children. I don't know why I did it. <P>I want to save my marriage. My husband is naturally very angry. He has known for about three weeks. I just don't know what to do. He is talking about separating. I'm not sure it that is best or not but I think it might be because of how he is acting. We're not fighting .... just not talking.<P>How long will the anger last? I know it is probably harder for a man to deal w/ this. Will he forgive me? Is it better to separate for awhile? What should I do?<BR>

Ann,<P>You don't know it yet, but you have a long road ahead of you for successful recovery. The good news is, you have made a great first step... you want to try. I would suggest, being betrayed like your husband, that you be patient and try to understand what he is going through. Go through what you need to, but don't let your hurt take it out on him. Deal with that on your own and grow. I appluad (sp?) your effort. Stick around here for the rollercoaster you are about to face. <P>Eric32

AnnR -- First let me welcome you to this forum. You will find a lot of help here in rebuilding your marriage.<P>READ, READ, READ. There is a wealth of information which will be of tremendous value to both you and your H.<P>No, men do not have a harder time dealing with infidelity. We all, Male and Female have a very hard time with infidelity. You have a long road ahead of you, and you have a lot to show, give and prove to your H. I hope you realize that this will be a very difficult path for you just as it is for your H.<P>God Bless<p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited October 13, 1999).]

AnnR - I too am a female betrayer. My H and I were seprated when I had the affair, but we were back togeter when my H found out about my affair. I know that my H was very upset when he found about it. <P>I have also read from female betrayed here and there does seem to be many similiar feelings of angry, fear, hurt, etc. Many different feelings. Time and a lot of reading here will help. Maybe after awhile have your H read here. My H and I both read and post here (my H is Empty Shell). I know it helps us both.<P>

oooops<p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited October 13, 1999).]

Thank you all for your responses. I will be reading more here. What should I do at this point? How long will he be so angry at me?<BR>

AnnR -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How long will he be so angry at me?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No one can say how long your H will be angry. This is different for each of us.<P>In my case it took several months before my anger subsided, and I began to trust my W again.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What should I do at this point?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Again, no one can say for sure what you should do. An awful lot will depend on exactly what your H feels and needs.<P>How do you start? 110% complete honesty!! Anything your H wants to know, you have to be willing to tell him. This is VERY difficult, and I understand that. But every lie you tell your H "to save his feelings" Every time you omit something you cause your H more pain.<P>Read the information on this site. Not just this forum. Many things you are probably asking yourself will be addressed in this information.<P>There is no simple answer. There is no easy way. The road ahead of you is long, winding and full of bumps. I know that you really don't want to hear this, but the more prepared you are, the easier it will be.<P>God Bless

Hi Ann,<P>First, welcome!<P>Secondly, I am a female betrayer and have also been betrayed, so I have lived on both sides of the fence. One thing I can say for sure is this: everyone is different, and the pain lasts exactly as long as it does. Not very helpful, am I??<P>I admit I didn't read your profile, so if I say something you already answered, forgive me...<P>I need to know: Is the affair over? For how long? Have you or are you going through withdrawl from the OM? Do you see the OM?<P>You will get help here. If you're like me, you'll become as addicted to this place as you did to the OM. This place has saved my sanity many a time. <P>Best wishes as you begin the rebuilding process... it certainly IS a rollercoater ride. And unlike most of the rides as the amusement park, it isn't fun, and you can't just get off of it... you gotta just ride it out. <P>You can do this, and I also applaud your desire to make your marriage strong.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Ann and Welcome to MB !!<P>I am very glad that you have found this site - Dr Harley's Concepts are a tremendous help with understanding alot about all of this....as well as offering the tools needed to help rebuild the marriage.<P>Is it possible to get your H to come here? He would be able to see that he is not alone in what has happened nor in how he feels......naturally, the same goes for you!!!<P>You have a lot of self-examination to do because a big part of this is going to be answering the "why" of it all!! <P>You have to figure out what led you to have an affair, not only for your own peace of mind but also to be able to fix whatever problems were/are going on in your marriage and your life. Your H will also need to know the causes of your actions.<P>I would suggest that you write down what has been going on the last few years...was there a trauma, or neglect, or just life being overwhelming? Were you lonely, or feeling unappreciated or not living to your full potential?<P>Write a journal to yourself, if you didn't keep one through it all...sort of an auto-biography type of thing. See what emerges from your memories as you write.....<P>Above all else.....be completely HONEST!!!<P>I would also suggest counseling, with a good counselor who has had success with marriages staying together through infidelity. This could help you both tremendously.<P>If H won't come here.....perhaps you can print out some info for him....peruse the posts also and find ones that you think would help you both to understand each other's pain.....<P>There is no certain time schedule or anything like that....it depends on the individuals involved and how much positive and honest communication they can achieve.<P>I would suggest that separation IS NOT the way to go.....Think of the children and the distance that would drag you two even further away from each other.<P>Learning is really the first step...<P>So, read here......a couple of books are "Surviving An Affair" by Harley and "Private Lies" by Pittman....I also like some of "DivorceBusting' by Michelle Weiner-Davis<P>Please begin with this learning...and try with all you can think of to get some form of communication going...Write him a letter, anything - but TALK somehow.<P>This can be overcome....as a matter of fact - if done properly - this could be a catalyst to a marriage that is so much better in every way.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

AnnR,<BR> I won't pull any punches here.You want to know how long your H will be mad.I don't know ,but I do know what he is feeling.My W cheated on me after 22 years,so I'll tell you this.Having an affair is about the most cruelest,and inhumane act you can do to your spouse.It's like having your heart ripped out,and stomped on.Your whole identity and self-esteem is suddenly torn away from you.You feel like you were put down the garbage disposal,and the switch turned on.You have a pain in your chest and your gut that won't go away.It's the worst pain you ever had in your life.Can you possibly imagine all that?Realize that your H is probably in a state of shock.He doesn't know whether to hate you,or love you.Hold you,or strangle you.I'm sorry to sound harsh,but you can't take an affair lightly,it's that disasterous to a marriage.Go to the bookstore,or Amazon.com,and get"After the Affair"by Janis Spring,"Affair-proof Your Marriage"by Lana Staheli,and"Private Lies"by Frank Pittman.If you really want to save your marriage,you'll need to understand what you put your H through,and give him lots of time.You'll also need to discover why you had the affair.You have a long road ahead of you. --Murph

AnnR, Everyone pretty much said it. But let me tell you one more thing, it's been over 6 months since I told my husband of my affair, and the anger is still there with him, although I'm seeing some positive signs lately. At first I was worried about the same things you were until I started realizing how much this can truly devastate a person. Don't leave him or separate from him now, he needs you and needs to know you care about him and he also needs to express his anger and not have you run. Like everyone said, it's a long road but worth it. Just realize his pain is so intense it may take quite awhile to get over it but be there for him. He needs you now whether you realize it or not.

i am also relatively new to this site<BR>and find it is so helpful. the people<BR>are experienced and share many of the<BR>same feelings you are going through<BR>i don't have time now to get into specifics but you and your h both need <BR>to seek therapy individually and joint at some point and i highly reccommend<BR>a book titled infidelity a survival guide by don david lustreman it's not in<BR>the stores i think it isn't if you can't<BR>find it by searching the web i will post<BR>the 800 order number for you tomorrow<BR>nite when i get back to this site<BR>the book was so great for me as a start<BR>also read everything on this site it<BR>is great i am temporarily separated and<BR>hopefully reurning home this week and<BR>can't wait to logon with my wife the<BR>first step to recovery is wanting to and<BR>seeking all the help you can get and <BR>learning all about this hideous thing<BR>once you understand more about it and<BR>what led you on this path you will begin<BR>to feel better about chances for recovery you are confused now and it seems like there is no hope but you will<BR>learn there is much hope for a full recovery -- involve your h as much as <BR>possible in your reading and learning <BR>he might resist but if he wants to be<BR>with you and loves you he will come to <BR>do it -- as you learn you will see you<BR>are not alone there are so many of us<BR>going through it - i am also a betrayer<BR>hang in there better days are ahead for<BR>you gotta go talk to you in a couple <BR>days much peace and love<BR>trying hard<BR>

AnnR,<BR>3 weeks!! Been two YEARS since my wife told me. Am I 'angry' yet? I don't really know. What I do know is that it will NEVER be the same btwn us again. Let him handle it in his own way. Believe me it is on his mind constantly and he is trying desperately to resolve it, come to grips with it, and find a way to put this big hurt you gave him into some kind of niche in his life. He know he will never forget it, so the taske he faces is to learn how to live with what right now is a 500# gorilla in his livingroom.<BR>I worked in Navy hospitals for 20 years and I saw people handle death very differently. And that's what he is dealing with unquestionably right now, a death, the death of trust, the death of the 'fantasy'.<BR>Good luck