I posted this on my recovery thread, but I think it probably belongs here:


While I want OM to fade into the background, I keep returning to thoughts of exposure. OM cheated on his girlfriend too. Long story, but he met someone nearby while we were together. Continued with me, saying that he'd drop her like a hot potato the moment he figured out how he and I could be together. (I know, I KNOW. OMG what was I THINKING?!) I want badly to expose. OMGF is (Follow me here...) the sister of his ex-brother in law's wife. OM remained very close to the BIL after the original marriage with OM's sister ended. The BIL and wife were friends of mine as well. I haven't spoken to them since D-Day, but they knew all about the A. However, they did NOT know that we remained together after OMGF entered the picture. I want to expose.

Opinions?


ETA: H and I were just discussing my motives for wanting to expose. Honestly? It takes two to tango, and why am I the only one having to face the consequences of what we did? He came out of the whole mess with nothing worse than a starry-eyed young thing that thinks he's her knight in shining armor, when he cheated on her daily with me for over a month.

He should no longer be your concern. Focus on your M and your recovery.

Thanks for replying.

Whether or not to expose OM to his GF is in the hands of your husband. Its his decision.

It seems to me like your motivation is to punish OM. Or maybe make yourself the focus of his world again.
Or maybe GF will dump him so he will pursue you again.

Your motives are very suspicious....

What does your husband think?

Agreed!

Agree completely with Lexxxy. I think OMGF should know the truth about OM, but not if your motivation is to punish him, tit-for-tat, or to weasel back into his life again. It's up to your BH.

These other people - the BIL and such - hope you're no longer in contact with them, either. If they knew about the A and didn't tell your BH, they are not friends of the marriage and should be cut loose.

Hm. Good points. I'm questioning my own motives like crazy. I definitely don't want back into his life - it's REALLY not worth it. The very, very few pros definitely don't outweigh the cons.

However, I can totally see my motive of wanting to punish OM. He came out of this mess smelling like a rose, darn it. And part of me is kicking and holding my breath until I turn blue, yelling NO FAIR!

Sigh. I'd never expose anyway, unless H was 110% on board. We talked about it, and he was noncommittal. No strong response either way, so I think he's still turning it over in his mind. I doubt he'll go for it.

None of this is "fair" is it?

Maybe this is your turn to live with the unfairness of things.
(and I am not a bitter BS, FYI....also a FWW.)

You wanna stomp your foot and whine about how unfair it is?

Now think about your husband...what do you suppose his thoughts are about how fairly he was treated?

You REALLY need to turn your thoughts away from OM. He simply does not matter. Break the addiction. You are experiencing a new withdrawal after your myspace episode.

Show your husband you will respect HIS choices regarding any contact or exposure of OM. Anything to do with OM is now in HIS hands. And you step away from that with GRACE.

Awesome post, Lexxy!

Thanks guys. ((MB))

I'm bringing this back up for an update. This is long, because it was a serious eye opener for me, and a HUGE step forward for H and I. So, lots of details, and hopefully will help someone.

In the end, we decided to expose. I did leave the decision in H's hands, and he wound up being okay with it. I was glad. We talked about what my motives were. And honestly, I wanted this poor girl (OMGF) to know what was happening to her.

Our decision came Friday and Saturday after OM started intruding in our lives again. Several things happened all at once that made it very clear he was about to attempt contact with me. So H and I sat down together Saturday night to nip it in the bud. I've never met or spoken to OMGF, only her sister and the sister's husband. They knew about the A., and weren't thrilled about it, but tried to be kind. (Yeah, misguided, but they didn't feel like they had the right to pass judgement.)

So H and I sat down at the computer and contacted J. and T. I told them that H knew everything, and that I wanted to apologize for putting them in an uncomfortable position and for doing something that would hurt T.'s sister. (OMGF) They were very kind, telling me I wasn't to blame for getting sucked in by OM's lies. I debated that point for a bit, but let it drop, because they just didn't want to make me feel bad. (I told you. They're very kind, but don't quite get the point.) I moved on and told them the part that they didn't know, about OM and my relationship after OMGF entered the picture.

In the end, I apologized to them again for what I did, and told them that I didn't want to see OMGF hurt. From what I've heard, she's a very sweet young girl who is completely besotted with OM. But they've been a couple since February, and he began their relationship by cheating on her with me. I gave them the information and told them to do what they would with it. It was a good conversation with all four of us. H and I, and J. and T. They gave me quite a bit of information that I'd suspected, and said that OM had been behaving horribly. OMGF's parents really dislike him, and OM is no longer welcome in J and T's home after the way he behaved when he and OMGF visited.

SO. Shortly after this conversation ended, I had an email from T. saying that OMGF wanted to speak to me. I checked it with H, and he gave me the go ahead.

Oh wow. This poor, sweet girl. We spent hours comparing notes, and confirming that OM had lied his fool head off to both of us, like crazy, for several months. But I've had time to deal, and be less hurt, and understand that it was as much my fault as OM's. This was all brand new to her, and she was reeling. I told her how very sorry I was for hurting her many times. She kept telling me it was okay, not my fault, etc. All three of them kept doing that, and I didn't know how to respond. I felt like I was jumping up and down, waving my arms, yelling "STOP TELLING ME IT'S OKAY! IT'S NOOOOOT!", and they weren't getting it.

I showed her what proof I still had that she could physically see, and compared timelines with her. Like, I gave her a specific date or time period that OM and I had spent hours together, several different times. He had told her that his internet connection was crashed during those times, and that's why he was out of contact. He didn't have to tell me anything - I work full time, so while I was at work, he was with her.

The fireworks really hit after that. She pulled him online and into the conversation. I kept my mouth shut, and he didnt' realize it was me in the group. Different account, so he didn't "recognize" me, he just thought it was someone in the area.

She asked him straight out. "Why didn't you tell me that you and R. were in a relationship until 3/17?" He replied to her that we weren't, we were just friends, but it didn't work out. She then asked him "Why were you visiting her Myspace page?" He replied that he didn't, and as far as he knew, I didn't have a Myspace page anymore. She asked him a few other questions - things that she and I had already discussed and that she had solid proof of, and he lied to her every time. She then called him on the lies. Said "I know, for certain, that you've been visiting her Myspace page." He said okay, fine, he'd visited it a few times in the past. OMGF, that little tiger, came RIGHT back at him. "You visited it four times yesterday. I know this. Lies, lies, lies. J and T KNOW you were in a relationship with her until 3/17. Stop lying to me." She let him have it but good.

He finally said he was sorry, he loved her, etc., and continued to tell half truths, trying to figure out how much she knew already. And this is why she had me there. She let him say all this garbage, then said "Do you know who this is?", referring to me. He said no, she said "That is R. We've been talking all morning."

Between the two of us, we hauled the whole truth out of him while my H and OM's relatives backed us up. Every time he tried to lie or spin the story, one of us already knew the truth and laid it out.

By the time it was over, she knew everything. He begged and pleaded to let him make it up to her, and she's going to give him a chance. She says she loves him, and he's all she has. Without him, she'd be nothing, so she doesn't feel like she has much of a choice. I don't know how he's going to make it up to her - they live in separate countries, and there's no way she can confirm anything. It's an internet relationship - they've met once, for a nine day period.

I learned a LOT. It not only shredded the last of my fantasy bubble, it showed me who OM was for real. OMGF is clinging to her fantasy bubble with everything she has, and it makes me sad. She's a lovely girl - physically very pretty, bright, articulate...she deserves someone who will really love her. She's a cute, petite little blond about to go to college for some computer technology thingy that I can't even comprehend. He weighs 300 lbs, won't keep a job, just got thrown out of his rented room for nonpayment of rent, so he lives with his parents. Where his father won't let him use the internet very much, so his time with OMGF is very limited. (All of that was new information to me - it happened during NC.)

In the end, OMGF has my contact information and is welcome to use it. H and I prayed for her after the dust settled, and prayed for J and T, who are pretty much her entire support system. She's in pain - missing him anyway because of their limited time. Crying every night over that, now finding out that he spent their entire relationship betraying her, and now the stress of trying to continue the relationship and learn to trust him under these insane circumstances.

H and I came out of this feeling like a weight was off our shoulders. I finally see OM for exactly what he is - my withdrawal clock wasn't set back at all by breaking NC. It was smashed to smithereens. And H loves that. Best we can do now is pray for OMGF and know that God's got it under control, and deal with our own relationship from here on out.

Have to admit - I found out he was probably about to initiate contact because I checked up on him at his various internet hangouts.


They were very nice people. Kept rooting for me "Go K!" "Good for you!" Kinda nice! ;-)


Wow! That was both an uncomfortable conversation and an exhilirating one! It was uncomfortable because OM was there (and I had to see him there) and because he "interacting" with my W (interacting as much as sputtering counts...). It was exhilirating becase I enjoyed watching my W both tear OM a new ... and also sticking up for OMgf to see that she doesn't get hurt.


It's nice that my W finally sees what everyone else has been telling her, and we've all seen. We're praying for all involved, and rebuilding our relationship is our priority now and forever.