Mulan,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand the feeling of being terrorized, and fear of losing everything.

My husband went into a rage and wanted me out of our home in Nov. 2006, after I told him I was uncomfortable with an online relationship. I had never seen him like that before, and I posted here for help.

And I have never forgotten what you posted to me. You told me my husband was a bully, and that he used anger because it worked. All he needed to do was get me to back down in fear, and then he could go back to doing what he wanted to do. You told me not not let him get away with it! And you were right!

Right now, your husband is being a bully too. You have done the right thing in enforcing your boundaries. Stay strong, it is fear that is your enemy, and your fear is his strength.

I can see your strength in your posts to me, and in your posts to everyone here. You are truly amazing.

It is really your husband who stands to lose everything.

((((Mulan))))

Mulan,

I'm so sorry it's come to this. You know better than anyone how much I identify with your sitch. I know right now the prospect of massive changes is just too overwhelming. I won't tell you that things will get better because right now....that seems so far away....but I'm sure that you will not lose everything and that your life is a precious thing. Give God a chance to work (and help him a little by getting a great attorney and a forensic accountant). Please get someone ot help you start protecting your finances right now!

((((((((((((mulan)))))))))

Hey SL,

Remember I put the disclaimer I could be totally wrong.

I still thinks she needs to walk through the feelings, and I totally get she needs to do the actions. But sometimes just getting through that first few seconds is action and when you seek G-d, you are doing an action, and when you start to gain a little strength emotionally that is an action.

I know the experts on here know how to get us through the actions way better than me. Because you are telling me what to do. So if I am wrong, I totally admit it.

You are also right, that the wayward mind is PA. But for some sitch's that's when it starts for others, that's all they have experienced and so trying to make sense of stuff might be a little harder. Maybe not.

I don't disagree with you, Queenie. Part of her intial actions NEED to include seeking legal counsel. This is imperative.

Yep, I totally get this.

And I agree as well. It's a matter of protecting herself and learning to take care of herself for the miracle that she is.

Not to mention because she deserve to take care of herself.

This is Mulan's daughter -- DD33.

Mulan (Mom), I hope it is ok that I post here. You have told me about this board and where to look, so that is why I'm here. If this is a support place that you would rather keep separate from your RL personal life, I'll bow out. Seriously, I'll delete my profile and remove myself. I understand the need to have a place that is separate from RL, where you feel safe to post your real feelings.

Anyway, you are right: this is a great support place for you and that is all me and M care about. Everyone here has offered great advice.

We love you. We support you. The girls need you. We need you. Please help us help you. This situation just plain sucks. You will not be abandoned. We wont let you.

I'm not here to offer advice because I dont know, truly, how it feels to go through what you are going through.

Just know that you are not alone. And, my offer to come live near me, DH and the girls is MY offer and one that always still stands.

DL awaits you!

Dear ((((((((((Mulan)))))))))))),

I am sooo sorry to see you are in so much pain... and fear for the future...and the unknown.

You KNOW what you need to do because you have been able to tell it to so many others... me being one of them...your posts got me through some really tough moments, the worst ever in my life.... please DO now what you have encouraged so many TO DO...

If the financial issues seem to be a major concern for you...then getting the information by consulting a lawyer is what will help to EMPOWER you.... getting a PLAN in place will help you....

..I read the thread and you seem to have COME A LONG WAY already....

...you already have ALL the knowledge it takes, it is NOW time to PUT IT TO USE...

NOTHING I can really say that you don't already KNOW....

We all care about you very much....

I know you are going to be faced with challenges that you did not choose.... I also know that you HAVE what it takes to OVERCOME them... please TRUST yourself enough...

Take it one day at a time....and try not to think TOO FAR AHEAD...

....and please please keep us updated...and allow us to support you in a time of crisis in your life in the same way you have been generous with your time and support to sooooo many of us in ours....

(((((((((((((MULAN))))))))))))))

you seem like a brave young woman. I am sure your mom is proud of you. I am sorry for the pain that you are also going through.

I agree with MEDC.

cyndy,

Whether you stick around or not, I think your mom is really lucky to have you and I'm so glad that she has support in real life as well as this board. You guys hold her tight, okay?

七転び八起き

Japanese proverb: Fall down seven times, stand up eight.


...then, call your lawyer and take a long hot bubble bath with candles and a hot lemon tottie!

((((Mulan))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. Listen to these people - they will help you. Your daughter is a wonderful woman. You have people who love you - you don't need that monster any longer.

When did our children become as wise as us?

Oh, Mulan. You did so good with her. She's the BEST kind of family.

Anyone will be there for you when things are sunny. It's when the tsunamis of life hit us, that we know who real family is.

I broke once, too. It's heart-rending, I know.

We're here. Just like you were here for us.

What a wonderful daughter you raised, Mulan.

oh, dear . . . I am soooo busted . . .

But you are so right, faithful follower, she is a wonderful daughter indeed. Cyndyk, this is a great place so please feel free to stay as long as you like. There are other sections and info besides this one that are just the best for helping even a good marriage become a great one.

I sure wish I had known about MarriageBuilders a long time ago. Do you remember, Cyndyk, that I gave you the book *His Needs, Her Needs* when you got married almost six years ago? It's from MarriageBuilders and well worth looking at.

Feel free to stay . . . and yes, she is a wonderful daughter with an equally wonderful DH, DD1, DD4, and brother who is my DS20.

love to all
Mulan

Oh good -- I thought *I* was going to be so busted -- ha!

I just hoped I could be a part of your support-system here. I dont want to intrude. I was worried that you thought I were lurking where you wanted to feel more private.

I'll probably mostly lurk, but I appreciate everyone's advice here, it is great! Please, consider it.

Hang in there! I wont pretend at all that life is grand, because I know it isnt. But, I just wanted you to know that we are always here for you!

Remember: you will get through this, if anything, I've learned how to be strong and perservere through icky times. I hope you take the advice you give to others!

How are you doing today?

No, please, stay as long as you like. Not good today. I think I need more Ativan but I can't get hold of anyone who can approve that. I am just trying to work, which is not easy with a 10,000 pound sledgehammer hanging over my head by a thread. That's exactly what it feels like.

He is gone until Thursday night. I don't know where. I don't even know what country he's in.

I may go over and post on the thread called "Mulan's post on boundaries", which is also on this page. Boundaries come up a lot around here.

Very glad you're here - it's an amazing place and a great one to learn from.
love
Mulan/Mom

Oh boy, I know it is so hard to do anything normal, when you know things are going to change so much so soon.

Is the Ativan helping? At least help you focus on work?

Even if things get yuck, go grab DS20 out of bed and make him take you to a movie or to dinner. Call me. Post here -- I know I do that a lot on my Parenting message board, esp on nights the girls wont sleep or in the midst of a terrible tantrum, ha! Visit the horse. Anything to help get your mind off of things.

So, for Mother's Day, can I treat you to a visit to DL, complete with dinner at the Blue Bayou? It would be great fun! Mulan, deserves some fun, at least get yoru mind off of things for a day or two.

Mulan!
I just wanted to say that you gave me AMAZING advice when I was going through troubled times with my now EXH. You told me that he was cake eating, and to lay down boundaries. AND YOU WERE RIGHT. I used to look forward to you posting to me, because you were TO THE POINT.

I hope that you are ok, and I want to say that I am sure that you will be ok... I ended up with the big D, but, I am much happier.

((((Mulan))))))

Mulan - you were strongest in your relationship when you had set a deadline for yourself - after son's graduation.

Then you reneged on your vow - all sorts of reasons - he's changed, he's back to the sweetheart, or whatever else you told yourself to blind yourself to his cheating ways...

You will soon find your fire. And your anger. Then your husband better look out because you will be far beyond his ability to terrorize. He has soooo much to lose. Not to mention financially!