Hello, I am new here. My D of D was March 27 and then on March 29 H revealed that he is still having affair and I asked him to leave on March 31st. We have talked a few times he is living with OW 5 blocks away! Has seen his 3 kids 2 times in a month, once a scheduled visit and once we were at the grocery store and saw them groping each other! Kids are a mess, and quite honestly so am I. He says that he wants a D, I don't, but I don't know what to do!! A started almost 2 years ago as a friendship at work and snowballed, oh yeah and I was pregnant with third child at the time! H has been lying and living a double life and would have continued if he didn't get sloppy and caught. He lost his job because of this and is working a new job for a little more than a third of what he was making. Our support hearing isn't for 3 months and he left all the bills, so I told him he needed to take the things in his name because I can't afford it, I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years now, and he said that would be fine but I wont be seeing any more money till the hearing! We started dating at 16 split up for a few years remained friends and eventually started dating and married in 1997, in 18 years I thought I knew this man, we are Christians for heaven sake. How did this happen and where do I go from here???????
I have been working on Plan A have lost significant weight and been working hard at self love and improvement, need to find a passion so I can earn some money.
Plan B is also in progress, he has been taking money from the kids and I and so I have started my own bank accounts and support process, I think I need a more agressive lawyer, and husband needs to come home/meet so that he can sign some legal/financial forms, but I guess I just need some reassurance that I am doing the right thing. My family thinks I should be swift and hard and file for Plan D, but I am not ready to give up the children need their Father, lousy as he is, I believe he can change, am I just deluding myself?????

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Affairs always end, and this one has been going awhile so I'm sure it is that much closer to ending. During affairs, waywards actly very badly, and then usually reverse back to the way they were before.

It is EXCELLENT that he is living with the OW. That will end the affair that much quicker.

Did you do a Plan A (showing him what a good wife you could be, with no angry outbursts, working on making changes on you) since you found out?

How was he as a husband BEFORE the affair?

klben,

Entrenched affairs are sometimes slower to respond than others, but it's important to understand how the two Plans (A and B) work. There really is no way to do them simultaneously. You can't do a good Plan A without contact. And you can't do a good Plan B with ANY contact. So the strategies are exclusive of each other. If you are in a financial crisis that affects the lives of your children, you can get an emergency hearing. Please do some research about child and spousal support in your state....and you may need a lawyer who is more proactive in securing help for you. In the meantime, while the OW has the opportunity to lovebust all over the place.....please be certain that you don't. It would have been better if you hadn't "kicked him out", for you Plan A....but despite that fact, there ARE advantages to the WS living with the affair partner. There is no greater opportunity for the fantasy to fall apart....then in an environment free from the mystery and secrecy that fueled it.

Talk about what led up to the affair and why you believe your marriage may have been vulnerable to an affair. What are the strengths and weakness you percieve. What does his family have to say about the affair. Do you have any allies in his family? What age are your children and how active of a father was he before the affair?

I'm sorry you're here, but welcome.

Okay, last night was my last meeting with my H until our support hearing in July. I had to return "his" truck to him, our only vehicle, since his name is on the lien and title my lawyer felt uneasy with me and the children having it. We talked for about 2 hours and he was finally honest about a lot of things that have happened in the last two years of his life and his affair. He is still living with the OW for a month now, but he e-mails every few days and makes contact. I told him last night that I love him, but that I need to work on me. I am so lost and confused, I just want my life back. We began dating at 16! I thought I knew this man, but I just feel so disoriented and I have our three small children and I am trying to be strong for them, but I have had no time to grieve or try to deal with this on my own other than now that I have found this website, and I am waiting on my copy of the book to arrive. I am praying all the time for him and for her, the OW, I just feel so violated in so many ways and don't know where to start to heal! He is with another woman that has MY NAME!!! He started this affair while I was pregnant! Just so much and I just want to pack up and run away so that I can just get away from it all!!!!!!!! Please help me I have gone to my church, and no one returns my calls, I don't know how to figure out my finances or what to do, and I don't know where to turn to get help!!!!!!!!!

Your attorney should be filing for support for you and the children. You need to secure your family finances before anything else.

Have you exposed the affair to your family and his family and friends? That is part of Plan A, which is where you should be starting.

If you run out of money, go file for emergency welfare from your state.

I applied for support and our hearing is on July 18th, he has voluntarily agreed to $500/wk until then, but it has been erratically going into the account. My DofD was March 27th and I immediately went to my church and family/friends, but he continued with OW I had suspicions for a while, but no concrete proof during that time I was working on me and not being confrontational and being pretty much same as always: faithful, consistent, but he left on Mon, Mar 31st and moved in with OW. My family and our friends from church have been very supportive, but his family believes that I should let him free that he has found his soul mate, and if I just open my heart and life to happy positive energies around me that someone good will come into my life and love me and the children! Yet, they keep wanting visitation with children they don't even know or know how old or anything about!
My WS has always tended toward selfishness thinking of himself, his needs, his dreams, his desires and putting those before anyone especially the children, but was for the most part a good man involved in the home, but when he started drifting he stopped all attempts at being involved with kids or home... He even went so far as to not show up at his daughter or baby's birthday went to be with the OW instead.
Lawyer has advised NO contact for the children with H or his Family until after the support hearing to give them time to heal and to try to give H the chance to really miss us and change, but I am concerned that it could backfire because OW aparently has at least one other child that he has become involved with!?!
My H was my high school sweetheart and the only man that I ever "loved" I knew that we had some issues because of the differences in how we were raised (he was raised in a very self-centered home, but he said many times that he didn't desire a relationship like his parents that that was part of what he loved about me, that I came from a close family that put family before other things. You know we ate together and talked everyday, and we went on vacations and you know had a pretty "Cleaver like" family.
Next step is that I need to find transportation for the children and I, and I would like to see about going back to college for my masters degree.
Thank you for you help and advice and just a place to sound off. So many of the people around me love me but they are so angry at my H that it clouds their ability to be a real help or give clear advice. I love my H very much and I know that he still loves me, but he is so trapped by sin that he cannot see how it is possible to change his circumstances or where we are now.

I would stay calm and let this play out. Chances are excellent that the affair will end, and he will be back. There is nothing like actually LIVING the fantasy to make it crash and burn.

Do some investigating to see if you can get some kind of grant (as a SAHM) to go back and finish your schooling. My sis went to Harvard when she was 42 and became an attorney.

In the meantime, stay in Plan A, showing hubby what a wonderful wife you can be. Work on changing anything that he complained about BEFORE the affair. Get rid of any angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements.

I hope you have told your children that daddy has a girlfriend, but you have a plan.

Hi kel-

Have you contacted your local community college? Many of them have some sort of program for women who find themselves in your situation. In my state it's called the "Displaced Homemakers" program. Terrible name I know. It provides all kinds of resources for women whose H's have left. They can help you with things like financial aid to continue your schooling and other things.

Hope this helps-