My husband and I got married the week after my 18th birthday, and will have been married for 3 years in August. He went into the Navy 4 months after we started dating. I saved up my money to visit him that August and we made a quick decision without really thinking it through and went to a court house and signed our papers, saying that the extra money we'd be getting would pay for a real wedding later on. Yeah right.

Anyways... We never really knew each other that well. It was more of a rebellious move on my part... I just wanted to show people that I was old enough to make my own decisions. I'm just a kid! I had NO idea what I wanted to do with my life. My husband talked me out of going to college because it would separate me from him even more and that if I did our relationship would be over.

I moved in with him the following March, 7 months later, and have done nothing but miss home this whole time. I gave up my entire life, my friends, family, job, and I feel as he has given nothing for me.

We've argued a lot from the start but it was always the little sweet moments that kept me with him. Even before we were married he'd belittle me and make me feel terrible about myself, but then right after that he'd play a romantic song and dance with me.

Lately we've stopped having almost any intimacy. I hug him when he gets home, but then he just goes and sits down on his computer and doesn't want me over there because I crowd him or make him nervous. He plays some online role playing game and there's been a few times that he's gone into the other room and shut the door to talk to one girl or another from this game. He'll stop as soon as I mention it for a while but will start again with a different person.

About a year ago he had left his email open in a hurry and I found that he had registered with a single's dating site that advertised that he was single and he had been chatting with 3 or 4 girls through that. When I confronted him about it he just kept saying that he has never cheated on me, he only did that because he was lonely out to sea, but if I wanted to leave him that he'd help me pack. Right after saying that he'd tell me that if I left him he'd become depressed and start drinking and probably kill himself.

He's always telling me that the only reason that he doesn't run his car into a tree on the way home from work is because he knows he'll see me when he gets home. I'm his only reason for living he says. Yet when he gets home he completely ignores me until he's hungry and wants dinner or wants me to do something for him.

Every time I talk to him about all of this he just tries to put it on me, or will try to put me on a guilt trip. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm not the perfect husband you want."

We also share completely different dreams. I had no idea what I wanted in life when I made the rash decision to marry him.

He wants to live in the country, I want to live in the city, but he REFUSES to live anywhere near the city. I want to study music and travel and he says if I do that we will never last and I should find a job that has to do with computers. He wants me to go to college, just as long as it is for something that is convenient for him.

He wants lots of land and cows and horses and wants kids in the next 3 years. I want to live in the suburbs and really do not want those things. I'm not sure if I want children at all at this point, but no way I want them within the next 8-9 years. I'm still a kid myself!

He also refuses to pick up after himself and leaves everything trashed for me to clean up. He will wear the same pair of holey, ratty, nasty underwear for weeks without washing them. It's DISGUSTING.

I don't want to go to college here. I want to have the choice to go to a good school where I know I will get a good education. I want to be able to see my friends without him calling and yelling at me for doing so when I "should be spending time with" him. I want to have life experiences, and he just wants me to stay here and be a good little house wife.

The only reason that he can ever come out with when I ask him what about me makes him happy he'll say "You're beautiful" or "You have a pretty smile." I feel that's the only thing he keeps me around for.

I try to talk to him about our differences in views and he just tells me that he thinks I will like the life that he has planned out for us. I should just accept it. Because basicly it's his way or the highway.

I'm tired of this. I can't get through to him when I talk to him. He says he cares, says he loves me, but it's all just empty to me. This whole marriage revolves around empty promises and crushed hopes.

When I talk to my mom on the phone and tell her anything about an inconvenience to myself he'll tell me that I need to stop telling her those things and will criticize me. I can't talk to my mom around him without him getting on to me afterwards about something I told her.

One day he'll tell me that he'd kill himself if I left, the other he'll tell me that he'd be sad but he'd get over it.

He threw a fit, smashed things around in the pantry and stormed out of the house one night because of an argument over what we were going to have for dinner. Then came back inside and yelled at me because I didn't chase him out.

He's a hypochondriac and as soon as I need him to help me with something or ask him to do anything he feels terrible. He's always coming up with injuries or illnesses.

When I don't want to do anything with him in the bedroom he whines like a 5 year old or he will guilt trip me into doing something. "Oh I'm so ugly, you just hate me, why can you not stand to touch me" which is a huge turn off in itself.

He also has a MAJOR spending problem. I moved back with my parents for 6 months while he was away and we sat down and figured up that if we spent our money right that we'd have $27,000 saved up when he came back. GONE. ALL of it. I didn't spend a dime of that money, I was just using what I was making at my job. Jewelry that's never been worn, clothes that have never been worn, paintings that have never been looked at, oils that have never been smelt, a camera, a $600 ipod that was thrown in a drawer, and a TON of money spent at restaurants, bars and casinos. I was barely able to drive back and find a place to live.

He went out and bought a $30,000 car when we were already having trouble paying bills because he'd buy fast food every day, was always buying new books, video games or accessories for his computer. We've been in debt and behind on all of our bills for almost a year.

I want to leave. I miss home so badly and I can't stand this life. Every now and then we share a nice moment where we laugh and joke, but it is just not enough to make up for everything else. But... I care for him and don't want to hurt him, even though I'm hurting myself staying here. I regret marrying him and we both admit that it was a mistake. But he told me that HE'S not going to be the one to break up this relationship.

The only thing that is keeping me here is the fear that he might hurt himself if I did leave. I don't know if that's just what he wants or if he's serious. I do care for him, but I just can't live the way that we are living. I want to build my own life the way I want and he doesn't want me to do that at all. He just tells me what I should do with my life.

We had a long talk last night. He kept asking me why I even agreed to marry him, if he made me happy, what I wanted and I don't have the guts to tell him the complete truth. I just tell him I hate this place. But after a long talk making me feel guilty he pressured me into sex and then just turned around and ignored me. I just cried myself to sleep.

I don't want to spend 10 years of my life trying to figure this out. I don't know if we should try counseling and try to work through this since we did make vows.. or go our separate ways and do what we think will make us truly happy for once.

Your husband has an abusive personality. You shouldn't have married him. Leave now and you still have a chance for a good life with a better man. But first you will need to do some soul-searching or counseling to find out why you gravitate toward guys who treat you poorly, so that you don't just go out and pick another one.

Please read this book. You will recognize your husband in there:
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft. Please read it! You can get it at most libraries.

You also might want to read a thread over on Emotional Needs. Look for one from 'youngandlearning' - you'll see yourself in her posts.

btw, I was just like you. I gave up a scholarship because my fiance (who has a fiance at 17?) told me he wouldn't wait for me if I left to go to college. I finally dumped that guy, but fell into a marriage with another such person, because I didn't stop to figure out why I was picking people like that. And fwiw, it took me 15 years of night school to finally get my degree.

Go home, ask your parents to let you stay at home while you go to college, and get the life you should have had.

This is not a valid reason to stay with someone. He is emotionally blackmailing you.

You need to tell him the truth. But if you fear for your own safety, I would write a letter rather than tell him in person.

You need to make plans to remove yourself from his life because if what you have written is true, he is an abusive person.

Faloxi, I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable right now. Please don't be offended, but it sounds like you and your husband have both been immature in the marriage. Of course there are many people who are two or three times your age who aren't any more mature either.

Have you read the basic concepts on this website yet? I think that might be a good place to start and see what rings true for you. If your husband is willing to go, I don't think trying counseling would hurt. It is up to you to decide whether you want to try and save your marriage or go your seperate ways. There are no guarantees that either of these choices will make you happy. Being happy often has a lot more to do with you than with your circumstances. I can't judge based on one post. Your husband might be a sociopathic abuser or he might just be a scared young man who can't figure out how to be the husband you need. Maybe there's no hope he'll change or maybe if you two learned to communicate, you'd stop hurting each other and make a happy life together.

Anyway, good luck whatever you decide. Whether you stay or leave, you will spend the next 10 years (at least!) figuring it out. That's just life. It's not a bad thing.