Newly betrayed,
If you found your way here, it was undoubtedly a search filled with pain and uncertainty. Many of us know exactly how you feel. There is no one that I have encountered here that doesn't remember the agony of finding out for the first time. D-day. We call it "discovery day" but that name evokes images of the wikipedia entry about the invasion of Normandy. The "Day of Days" was one of mass casualty and destruction....but it was also the "beginning" when a combat attack was intitiated....so please don't forget that part, because this site is about arming you as a warrior to fight infidelity and restore your marriage.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy describes the fallout from D-day:
It is common for both spouses to experience depression (including suicidal thoughts), anxiety, and/or a profound sense of loss following the initial disclosure. The reactions of the betrayed spouse resemble the post-traumatic stress symptoms of the victims of catastrophic events. Common reactions to the loss of innocence and shattered assumptions include obsessively pondering details of the affair; continuously watching for further signs of betrayal; and physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks and intrusive images. The most severely traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting. The involved spouse may fear that they will be punished forever for the betrayal while they grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair.
But they also say this:
The good news, however, is that the majority of marriages not only survive infidelity, but marriage and family therapists have observed that many marriages can become stronger and more intimate after couples therapy.
One of the most profound things that happened to me when I found this site was the beacon of hope it offered to my marriage at a time when I was too lost, fearful and broken to dare hope for healing. But more and more research reveals that infidelity does not have to mean the end of a marriage. Six years ago when I found this site....very few people offered insight or hope for marriages destroyed by infidelity....that has changed. But what was even more unique about this site....was the real plan of attack. It gave me focus. It gave me something to do when my mind was too muddled to formulate anything meaningful. It also helped me to understand why much of the strategic fight was "counter-intuitive". While instincts were vital in detecting the affair....they often work against betrayed spouses when "recovery" is the goal. So, please....read the information carefully and remember that the folks here are not professionals and that this forum is not a substitute for the individually tailored plan that the Harley's are trained to devise.
What this site is excellent for however, is a place to find support, people who understand, and an environment focussed on rebuilding marriages....even those compromised by infidelity. They say "two heads are better than one"....well here....you get "hundreds" of heads. And it helps to find an environment where you don't feel like a "chump" because you still love your wayward spouse even though they've hurt you to the core.
If you have any questions about the site or the program in general, please feel free to ask and there will be new and old posters who will do their best to answer. If you post a question on this thread....I'll do my best to offer any suggestions I have.
Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry you're here....but I'm glad you found your way here. It's not easy to recover after infidelity, and many marriages don't....but "discovery" is not the time to give up and there's alot you can do before moving on.
I want to leave you with a few statistics about affairs that I hope will be encouraging.
Fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between the two affair partners.*
If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new marriage to also end in divorce.*
What does this mean?
It means that for every 100 extramarital relationships - less than 10 of the unfaithful spouses will actually marry his or her affair partner. If the affair partners do marry, 75% of those marriages will also end in divorce - which means that at best, less than 3 out of every 100 affair born relationships will result in a marriage that does not end in divorce! (And this doesn't take into account marital separation, only legal divorce, which brings the success rate down from the already generous but alarmingly low 2.5%!)
80% of couples who divorce as the result of an affair later regret their decision to divorce.
*Staheli, Lana, Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving An Affair. New York, NY: HarperCollins & Vaughan, Peggy, The Monogamy Myth. New York, NY: Newmarket Press
