Brief synopse as I don't have my original email and needed to start a new account. My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married 9. Last summer she started signing on dating sites and chatting with OM's. When I found out she stopped and we went to counseling. Seemed to help and things got better. Mid to late October she started seeing OM. Found out and confronted her with proof. She never denied it. Tried to work on things, but my dad ended up in the hospital over christmas and died on 1/5/08. 4 days later instead of being there for me she went to see OM. I left. Since then she has left OM, but has had numerous other "encounters", of which at least 2 were physical. Over the last few weeks she has been having abdominal pain. Went to see her MD and was referred to cancer doc when they thought it might have been leukemia. Before she saw him she started to act clingy to me again, asking me to come over/keep her company. Told her no, that I wouldn't be just friends that it was all or nothing. She cried and said she was worried about her MD appointment. I did end up staying a little while and played a game with her to distract her. She went to the cancer doc yesterday and he said not to worry, it wasn't leukemia, just a bad strained muscle, and an improperly read ultrasound. Last night she decides to text out of the blue to chat. Talked for about 5 min and said I had to go, and she started crying again. She said the only person she wanted with her or to talk to while waiting to see the MD was me. Said she regrets the decisions she made and thinks that I was right and that after 12 years together maybe we should try again. I told her I needed to think about it since it took me almost 4 months to stop crying myself to sleep, and the trust has been broken between us. Today I thought about it some and told her that we should wait a month to see if she still wants to work on things, or if it was just a knee jerk response after dealing with the prospect of leukemia. She was agreeable until I asked her to not see anyone during that month. She is not willing to do that. I'm not sure how to go from here. It took me a long time, antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, to get to this point and am unsure if I want to risk going through it again. Advice please!!

Thanks

Well, you won't be going into marital recovery, that is for sure. I agree with you that she likely just wanted someone to hold her hand while she was scared. If I were you, I would go into a dark Plan B and stay there. Refuse to participate in an open marriage. To do otherwise is to enable her.

IMO it sounds like time for a permanent Plan B, unless you want to be continually used as the "fall-back guy" by your WW.

OK, we talked a little more tonight. Seems like the only option IF I decide to pursue fixing this is to start over again from scratch, VERY SLOW. Says she is willing to date only me, but will not agree to put everything on hold for a month. You guys bring up a good point and I DO feel like a backup to a degree. Not sure yet what I'm gonna do, took a lot to get where I am now, not sure if I want to risk going through even part of it again.

Did you write her a Plan B letter, or is this a do-it-yourself plan? I suggest you write her a letter and post it here. One thing is for sure, SHE shouldn't be setting the conditions for reconciliation.

In view of her promiscuity, I would insist on a clean STD battery of tests also.

She obviously feels something for you, but is treating you as a fallback guy.

A plan B letter is in order with a roadmap on how she can come back to the marriage.

I think it's great that you are strong. Strength is respected. Weakness and appeasement is not.

Stay strong. Stay on message. Give her the letter with your conditions.

I don't think she has to wait a month to meet your conditions, but you can make the conditions non-negotiable. In other words, she breaks any of the terms and it's back to plan B.

You may wish to consult one of the experts here.