I found out my H was having an EA 3 years ago. After years of ups and downs in our marriage he decided, a few months ago that he wanted to leave me. I am 9 months pregnant (due any day now!) and have been trying to deal with feelings of being abandoned and separation. It's been four months and I still cry every night, I'm sad during the day, and I think about him constantly.

He has been incredibly selfish. Besides leaving me while pregnant, he also recently called me to cry, broken-heartedly about the the OW that apparently doesn't feel as strongly for him as he does for her. I still can't comprehend how he could do that, KNOWING that I still love him. He said that he had no one else to talk to. So, pretty much I can be thrown away because of his boredom with me, but he'd still like me there as a shoulder to cry on.

I desperately want to get over him and don't want to think about him anymore. I know that he is actively looking for someone to have a relationship with, and knowing that kills me. Can anyone offer advice on how I can deal with this and get over him? I have to convince myself every night to not call him to beg him to give us another chance. I feel like such a failure, even though he is the one that gave up on us and our new family.

suz1

(((((HUGS)))))

I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I am not a vet here, but I would suggest you read up on Plan B and implement that right now. Plan B means to completely cut off contact with him. It starts with a letter stating that you will in no way continue any kind of contact with him as long as the OW is in his life. There are examples of these letters over on the General Discussion forum. Plan B is meant to protect you from this very hurtful behavior he's doing. It will help you. Do you have any kids other than the one you are pregnant with?

And most important - remember it is not your failure, but his. He broke his vows, not you. It doesn't matter what his excuses are, there is no reason under the sun to commit adultery. That was his conscious choice to make and his responsibility to bear.

((suz1))

It's totally normal for you to feel this way. After my WW moved away 4+ months ago, I have had many occasions to cry. I felt like I had failed as a person and was utterly worthless. Obviously, I cannot comprehend how it must feel to be pregnant at a time like this.

My advice to you is to first have no more phone conversations with him. They won't help you at all. When you find yourself wanting to call him, engage in another activity.

I have also found that exercising helps, especially if I can watch TV while doing so. I don't know if that's possible for you in your condition. Also, do you have any support system like family or girl friends? If you can chat with them using IM on a moment's notice, that can be very relieving.

Hi Suz1. I was in a similiar situation to you a few years ago. I know that at the time it didn't do me any good to hear that others I spoke to had been through the same thing, but it is important to listen to what they say. It took me about a year to get to the point where I had enough of my WW's actions before I was ready to move on. I know that might seem like a long time, but it made me see that in the end, it wasn't my fault and I was able to concentrate on me and the things that made me happy. Exercise, going out with friends, hobbies, starting new things you have always wanted to try all got me through this time in my life. And as others have said, it is best to not communicate with your H. I made that mistake and all it will do is make him feel better having you there to lean on while you feel worse when he is done leaning on you.

Plan B is probably your best bet at this point. The letter is the key part. You need to affirm your love for him and that you really want to remain married to him, and for the two of you together to create a marriage that makes you both happy. You'll also need to accept that some of your actions may have contributed to creating an environment in which an affair could occur. (This is different than your actions causing the affair. You didn't make him have an affair. However, some of your actions may have contributed to a marriage in which his lovebank wasn't being filled.)

You should also probably discuss in the letter what will happen when you have the baby. A parenting book I just read says that babies should interact with both parents every day. However, YOU shouldn't interact with him until he's ready to stop seeing other people and to go to marriage counseling.

Do you have family or friends who can help you once you have the baby? You may need people to help around the house or to take the baby so that you can sleep. Nothing can prepare you for the sleep deprivation.

Thank you for the responses. It's been a while since I've been back. I just had a new baby and have been trying to focus on her.

I was doing really well for the last few months or so. I felt as if I might be starting to get over my H. But he's called twice to just talk.. mainly about how lonely he is and how he doesn't have any friends. He also has recently told me that he misses me and is realizing what he gave up when he left me (and our baby). However, he doesn't seem to be able to commit to asking me to come back or even saying that he wants me back. It's like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Since telling me that, he hasn't brought it up again. I would love to put Plan B into action, but I have to see him almost daily when he comes to visit the baby. I don't want to seem desperate, but daily I feel like begging him to give us another chance... even though its been several months.

I have tried to give the appearance that I am over him. I am goign ahead with the separation. I am keeping as busy as possible and i have a wonderful family that is very supportive, but I find myself constantly thinking of him and thinking of ways that I might convince him to come back to me.

I think that if I were to try to convince him for the hundredth time, he will continue to disrespect me. I just don't know what to do at this point. How do I continue to see him almost everyday, yet maintain my sanity. I struggle to not cry in front of him every time!

btw, things with the OW apparently didn't work out. But his is still trying to find someone to date.

My husband also left me for another woman. I still love him and want our marriage restored.
It is a blessing you have a part of him(the baby)to help keep you busy. It is also good you see him everyday.
You are right about the begging, it does not help. Been there done that.
What you need to remember is that you are already ahead of anyone else in his heart and mind. He is still one flesh with you and he doesn't realize it. He knows he is drawn to you and even worries about you but he can't figure out why. You are a part of him, and to put you out of his life completely would be like taking part of himself away. So that said. I want you to think back to when you were first dating. How did you act, how did you talk, how did you dress. That is the woman he fell in love with. Bring her back.

Kathy

Is that what I should be doing? Trying to get him back? I am not so grateful that I get to see him every week. It makes things so much more difficult. I would rather not see him at all. It would make getting over him so much easier. He has made it very clear that he does not want to be with me and is in love with someone else (apparently the OW that he was having an EA with is playing hard to get but he is still pursuing her). Although he said he missed me, he later apologized for saying that. He said that he only said it because he was lonely... and not for me.

Since the birth of our baby, he seems to be somewhat interested in her. When he visits, I get the impression he's here because he has to be, not because he wants to. I don't think I or our daughter are in his thoughts much at all. In fact, I think he tries not to think about us as much as possible. I want a father for my child, but I don't want him to leave her when he gets bored of being a father, like he got bored with me.

Part of me wants him to show up at my doorstep begging my forgiveness; ready and willing to do whatever it takes to get me back. I am sure that will not happen. He has pretty much ruined our relationship so I don't know if I could even take him back. The rational part of me knows I shouldn't because of everything he's done. But the irrational part would take him back in a heart beat.

I just want to get over him. I want to be able to make it through a day without thinking about him. I don't want to feel like a failure, that it's my fault for not being good enough to keep him.

Suz, it's certainly not your fault...that you're not "good enough" to keep him. These are issues with him. Out of all the ways to deal with problems, he chose to have an affair. You can't keep beating yourself up for past lovebusters. We all do it, just learn from past mistakes and move on. You didn't "make" him do anything - repeat, he CHOSE to have an affair.

When he visits the baby, occupy yourself elsewhere. Go to another room.

How old are you both? Is your H paying child support?

No suz1. If you do not want him back you should not try and get him back. But you are still in his heart reguardless. He might think he wants someone different but in time he will know it was a mistake. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not.
What path you decide to take is entirely up to you.
Just take care of yourself and that precious baby.

You need to do what you need to do. If you love him, you need to let him know that. Him calling you and talking to you about the ow, yes it hurts, but it shows YOU are the only one he wants to turn to, to share his frustration/hurt with... I know it's twisted, but it's actually a good sign. Ws's are very into themselves when they are in the "fog" he probably doesn't even understand what he did, what went wrong, or how he was capable of up and leaving.

Stay strong, but if you love him, let him know. Let the bitterness go, and try to let the pain go. Ws's believe it or not, are more vulnerable then bs's. I personally think if you do plan B now, you can forget any chance of getting what you want. Plan A sounds right, give yourself some time, and him some time. And see how you feel in a few more months. Then figure out if plan B is what you should do. Your plan B will look different then others without children. But honestly the main MAIN point, is do not let this affair take over your thoughts, your life...

Live! Enjoy your baby! Be nice to her father! If you want to cry it's ok! Work on anything you think you want to improve about yourself! And most importantly do not put pressure on yourself to make a decision about your marriage right now! You are very VERY lucky that he is coming over to see your baby every day!! LOTS of Ws's disappear for weeks at a time, and don't even call to say hi, even with kids. My good friends husband left her, lives with the ow and the ow's child, and does not even come to see his daughter. It's very sad. And HE isn't even a "bad" guy, ws's self loath to the max, the more they do wrong, the further they go, and the harder it is to pull them to a place where they feel worthy.

I promise you although you feel like Jello, you are the stronger of the two! There is a difference between strength and pride... You can be really strong and actively excepting your spouse and working on your marriage (if that's what you want) and let me tell you that is NOT for the faint hearted!

((((Hugs)))))

And hug and kiss that baby every day, children are wonderful and keep your mind and heart busy!!!!

Thank you, that honestly sounds like such good advice, but I feel like waiting is not going to do anything. He is so obsessed about the OW, he has coming crying to me about her several times. It turns out she is really playing him good! She tells him she wants to sleep with him then is telling his friend that he can't take a hint and won't leave her alone. I have a feeling if things don't work out with her he'll just find someone else to have a relationship with.

He is coming to see the baby but only once or twice a week and only for a few hours at the most. But i guess that's better than nothing. I am focussing on her, but it still is hard every day. Especially thinking about how it's supposed to be.

As for him, he seems depressed and he has told me numerous times that he is lonely. I hate when he tells me that though because I always hope that he means he is lonely for me. But he is not. He wants her. I know he feels some guilt. Mostly I know he feels that he threw away 4 years of his life in our marriage (I know because of what he's told other people).

I am working on myself and hoping that this horrible situation has made me a stronger person. I hope that I can forgive soon so that I can move on and be free of these terrible feelings. Also with forgiveness I feel that he will no longer have any emotional hold on me.