I'M A NEW MEMBER AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 7YRS MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN HAVING A AFFAIR WITH THIS PERSON FOR THE LAST 2 1/2YRS HE CAME BACK FOR A MONTH AND SECRETLY MOVED BACK WITH HER. I WAS AN EMOTIONAL WRECK FOR A WHILE BUT I'M BETTER NOW. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DIVORCE HIM FOR THE PAST 2YRS BUT I ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO HAPPEN TO WERE I HAVE TO USE THE MONEY. I SPOKE TO HIM RECENTLY AND ASKED HIM WHAT DID HE WANT AND HOW DID HE FEEL ABOUT ME HE STATED THAT HE DOESN'T WANT A DIVORCE AND THAT HE IS STILL FOND OF ME. MY PRAYER PARTNERS TELL ME THAT HE IS COMING BACK TO ME BUT MY HEAD IS TELLING ME TO GET RID OF HIM BUT MY HEART KINDA WANTS TO TRY AT LEAST ONE MORE TIME I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR THINK I KEEP PRAYING ASKING GOD FOR SOME TYPE OF DIRECTION I SOMETIMES FEELS LIKE A FOOL BECAUSE IT'S LIKE I'M JUST SITTING AROUND WAITING ON HIM CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME TYPE OF ADVICE. THANKS
P.S. HE LIVES OUT OF TOWN WITH HER

Hi 1962!

I'm glad you came over here. There's lots of people here who can help and advise you.

Ok, I know I already told you to move your post to over here, but I'm just trying to help you get more replies... it will also help if you start your own thread. When you are looking at the list of different posts in the GQII board, up at the top of the list on the left hand side is a button that says, "New Topic". You can click that nd then copy your post into there if you want.

I'm not trying to tell you how to post or make you jump through hoops. It's just that if you start your own thread people will be less confused and better able to help you.

Ok, others here can probably give better advise, but here's my thoughts:

Since he had an A, if you want to divorce him you have that right. Is that what you want to do, or do you want to try to restore the relationship? If you want to work on saving the marriage, I suggest you read up on Plan A, and take actions to end the A. Have you exposed the A to family and friends?

Hi,

Just to let everyone know. I'm okay. Started reading Bankroft's book. Thank you for your support.

Thanks for letting us know!

Can I ask you to do one thing? Call United Way (www.unitedway.org) and ask them for the phone number and address of the nearest women's shelter. Write it down and just keep it in your wallet. Just in case. If there is a 'case,' you'll be too flustered to look for the information.

And I'm so glad you're reading that book!

Hi,

Thank you for your tip. I got the hotline for the abused women's group in my county.

I am continuing to read the book. It is so difficult to read, too heartbreaking- it's like I am reading my autobiography. I am a very forgiving person and my H knows it. I should have gotten out a long long time ago.

Hi,

Been squirreling away money and clothes, in preparation for
Breakaway Day (whenever this may be) and been discussing with my T a plan.

Now, here's a question: I will be seeing one of his OW in a function. She senses I know about the A. I am so tempted to tell her that she can have my H anytime. My kids know her, call her Aunt, but don't know about the A. They are coming also to the function. Friends have told me not to tell the kids and not to tell the OW that I know about the A because it is of no use.
My H loves seeing me with his OWs, and insists that we be friendly to each other. I was friendly with this OW before I knew of the A, but I am so tired to acting civil towards the OWs.


Of course, I know that if I make waves, my H may explode, but that's ok--I will leave him earlier.

Any thoughts?
Thanks.

I'm so glad you're making progress. If you are in a position to leave now, go ahead and expose - it will do your self-worth and self-respect a big boost. And show your community what a piece of crap your H is. (and your 'friend' the aunt) He deserves to be brought down a notch so he will be less likely to hurt again, or at the least so others will keep a closer eye on him.

But only if you're safe.

DTP,

Tell the truth. You can be civil. You don't have to be angry. You can just tell her you know. But why would that matter? She doesn't care about you or she wouldn't be doing what she's doing.

When my husband had his affair, we had children who were very young. I remember calling the radio show about telling the three year old. Dr. Harley said to tell her. "Daddy kissed OW on the lips." That's what I said. They knew Daddy only kissed Mommy on the lips. They couldn't quite understand what was so wrong, but they had an idea that Daddy was treating another woman like he was only supposed to treat Mommy.

Am I glad I told them? Yes.

Cherishing

PS. Hold your tongue on telling OW she can have WH anytime. This isn't just about you. Your H isn't just hurting you. He's also hurting himself, his children, and OW. What he is doing is not OK just because you are past the point of caring.

Thanks for the advice. I am going to tell my kids, because they will see her tomorrow, and at least they know, so that their father's lies are not complete, and they can make their decision whether or not to attend the function.

I am only interested in telling her she can have my H, because that is what I feel.

BTW, her son is also going to be in the function. He and my H are the guests of honor in this function. Her son, an adult, adores my H, as do my H's friends, who think that he is next to God. HA!

Don't think I am safe enough to expose to everyone. Am tired of always being afraid, though.

I would at least tell her son, to protect him from your H's spell.

My abusive stepfather was very highly regarded in the community. These guys are so slick, they can fool everyone who doesn't live with them.

I'm glad you posted an update. I was just thinking about you last night, wondering if you were ok... I'm so glad you are making preparations.

DTP,

You said, "I am only interested in telling her she can have my H, because that is what I feel."

Ethics is not a matter of how you feel about something that is done. The sooner the affair relationship ends, even if you and he divorce, the better for your children.

Cherishing

Thanks again for everyone's support.

I used to be very religious, thought God ruled the world, and (naively) always believed people had good hearts. But now, I find out, my H's OWs pray to God that my H's love for them will never end. My H is on his way to the top -people are just dazzled by his intelligence, articulateness and "kind-heartedness," and "love for the poor."

In the meantime, I cry out everyday to God. Sisters, how did you not lose your faith? I want very much to believe in a caring God, but seems like He's sleeping?

DTP,

My husband thought of OW as a "candidate for evangelization." Sometimes, those who are most confident of their ethical beliefs fall the farthest because they forget that they are human.

God didn't do this to you. One of my husband's more hurtful justifications was along the lines of "God didn't intend for me to sin, but he intended for you to be hurt by my sin."

The bottom line is that God gives each and every one of us free will. Your husband has freely chosen to do what he knew would hurt you. God didn't do it. Your husband did.

Cherishing

My friends remind me all the time of "free will." And not to blame God. My T said I also have the free will- to break up. I am impatient with myself, saying I don't seem closer to Freedom. My T says to be patient- my H has abused me more than half of my life and I have been brainwashed. She says one day, the light will go on and I will say "that's it, I am out of here."

Was it the same with anyone of you?

I am hanging on, trying to be strong. Thanks.

Just curious--

Has anybody out there used any website to announce that their spouse was cheating? I saw on TV some websites where names of WS or WBfs WGfs are posted. What do you think?

Your counselor is right, one day the light will come on and you will be out of there.

Personally I would not announce the affair on the internet. I think you are better off without him. Let the OW have him. She deserves him.

Prepare carefully because it is dangerous when you do make the decision to leave.

DTP, did you read that book I suggested? The book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Bancroft? It would go a long way toward banishing that brainwashing you're under and letting you have your 'aha' moment.

thanks to you both.

I am reading the book, in bits and pieces where and when I am safe. I am very aware of the danger that I'll be facing when I leave, that's why I am planning slowly and carefully.

He was with a OW few nights ago, he denied everything. Today, he is being extra nice to me. In the past, I would have bought it, hook, line and sinker. Now that I am a little bit stronger, I know he is just being manipulative, trying to make me forget.

I am angry,thus, I have this fantasy of announcing to the world what he is doing. Hopefully one day,instead of my physical health suffering from my anger, I will be finally strong enough to leave.

I have experience events that other betrayed spouses would have considered the proverbial "straw that breaks the camel's back" and made them disgusted enough to leave. I, on the other hand, have hang on, time and time again, forgiving and forgiving, and taking on more and more abuse. Even his friends say he will never find another wife like me.

I know the anger is also towards me, for allowing myself to be a doormat.

Thank you for your belief that I will regain my strength and will have my freedom.

The best thing you can do right now is find a battered women's shelter and just go talk to them. Don't have to move there or anything, just visit with them. Get to know some other women who have successfully left. Let them tell you how hard it was, but how glad they are that they did it. You really need to hear some of that.