I felt the EXACT same way.

Begin to work on YOURSELF..your PERSONAL GROWTH..so YOU can HEAL and become STRONGER as a PERSON..that has been the VICTORY for ME...

Mimi - are you yelling at me? If so, why? All I was doing was "defending you" from the post I responded to, that you have the "right" perspective. So what seems to have gotten under your "craw?"

Mimi -Giving you the benefit of the doubt that you might have "overlooked" the previous post and are not just being rude in refusing to answer a sincere question, I am posting this again where you might see it.

No indeed, FH..I was not yelling at YOU...

I felt strongly about what I was saying...

wadeallie,

I'm so sorry for your pain. It's just not fair.

I have read part of your thread but not all so forgive me if I have any of your sitch wrong. I'm going to respond to the questions on your original post because I do understand your feelings. D-Day for me was 2 yrs and 2 mos. ago and I'm still trying to work through the same thing.


My H was the only man I've ever been with. I was my H's 2nd. We met in 7th grade and talked on the phone through school because I was friends with his sister. (He went to school in a different town.) We met again at a party at the age of 16 and started dating. We married at the age of 18. When I discovered the A, and after the words he said to me, I attempted suicide. I had called my children to say goodbye and one of the called 911.


This has been a big issue in our M also. Because the OW had been with uncountless men, she was more "experienced". She was also extremely ugly, a [censored] (a "my way or the hiway" kind of person.) She did have a better body, firmer and not flabby. Because I was very ill and nearly died 5 yrs ago, I couldn't exercise and I was on medication that caused me to gain 40 lbs.

I was so angry after D-Day I jumped my H bones 4 times a day to prove to him I could give him as much SF as he wanted if he would have given me a fraction of the attention that he gave OW. I always felt like he was comparing me to the OW but my anger kept me motivated with the SF. Over the last 6-8 month, many times when I have SF with my H images pop up in my mind of him doing the same thing to OW. Sometimes I can push the images out but when I can't, it kills the moment and I can't continue.


Yeh, I understand that comment too. My H said the OW was "tighter". Sorry so blunt. That was a stab in my heart. I kept beating myself up because I was so "inexperienced" until recently. I got mad....no, I was already mad so I guess I started on a quest. I went to a bookstore alone, internet, and the library and secretly started reading everything I could on sex. Positions, techniques, how to please a man, etc., etc., etc. I was determined to be 10x better than anything the OW could do. It has helped.

Because of a couple other unresolved issues in my M, I still have the images of OW pop up in my head during SF. If these issues were resolved, I know the images would go away.

I just wanted to tell you that I do understand what you are feeling. Take care of yourself. I know it is very, very hard to do with what you are going thru. Someone gave me that advice when I first came here but I was in so much pain I didn't have the strength to do it. I had to get through the day one minute at a time for the first year. I have healed enough now where I am taking care of myself. It does help. OK, I'll stop rambling.

Good luck. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

TW

Mimi - thank you. That's what I thought, but wasn't clear about since the post was referenced to my previous post.

I think we can be our own worst enemies...in terms of our THOUGHT PROCESSING..

I think if you ASK your H to compare you with the OW in terms of SF, he MAY/WILL give you an answer...especially if he is still foggy, he may say something OFF THE WALL and plain STUPID..

However, IN REALITY, from MY UNDERSTANDING and reading, at the time of the ACT, he is thinking about THAT and his personal enjoyment, emotionally and physically, of THAT PARTICULAR TIME with you.

SO ENJOY THE MOMENT...ONLY THINK OF THE PRESENT..FOCUS ON THE PRESENT...

Learning to FOCUS ON THE PRESENT during RECOVERY helps in general..that's what I learned..

Thank you Troubled: Your response is very helpful.
My first H had the belief that men come first so he used his organ as a weapon. He didn't care if I enjoyed SF. It was a power play and only about him. He was also verbally abusive and the behavior was escalating towards violence. When I began seeing him turn towards our 2 sons, I divorced him. Present H came on the scene. We've known each other since high school too and I even dated him for a short time in 11th grade. He showed me thru our 3 year courtship that lovemaking was a shared experience of exploring each other and being gentle. I thought it was special because he had never known anyone but me and I was already screwed up in the head thanks to H#1. Then after 18 years of marriage when my libido dwindled, H went online and began advertising his talents. I especially felt hurt that the joys we had discovered together he used when he took his act on the road.
I received a response previously that A SF is all about secrecy and danger of being caught and that's why it's always thought to be better. I discussed this with H and he had to agree that was probably a big part of it. OW lived 55 miles away and he really had to plan a day out in order to get there. His car isn't the greatest, so he had to arrange to use mine, had to get his story straight, yada-yada-yada. It was no easy feat but it built up the anticipation. He also admitted that they did alot of verbal foreplay online with their emails and phone calls. After weeks of talking dirty I'm sure they got all worked up for what might have only turned out to be 2-3 hours together.
I'm still working thru images and certain parts of lovemaking bring those images to mind so I asked him to NOT try them until I okay it. He has promised to not push me and we are taking things one day at a time.

I think SF is a very difficult topic when you get into trying to compare. I don't think you should compare and you should not really listen to a WS if they discuss that SF was better with OP. The main reason why I say this is because most WS's have lost their perspective.

To be more clear, how "good" anything is, is both a function of the real event and the perspective of the person who is participating in the event.

Haven't you ever done something twice that in all respects was exactly the same, yet you would rate the experience differently? Ever eat at the same restaurant, order the same meal, recieve the same level of service, yet come away with a different level of enjoyment? Ever notice how you will find a way to explain this change in enjoyment with a real change in the event? When the reality is the food wasn't as good because you had a bad day.

Your expectations from the beginning also play a factor. As an example, if you are told something is going to be painful before you do it, and the experience is neither painful or pleasureable, many people will rate the experience as pleasurable. Not because it actually was pleasurable, but it was less painful than expected.

Another bias that enters the picture is how much you invested in the experience. It is rare that I see someone pay two hundred dollars for a bottle of wine, and then tell you it was not an extraordinary bottle. Try that at your next party, serve a $10 bottle, tell everyone it was $200 and watch how they rave about it. After they rave about it, then tell them it was $10 and watch how they back peddle claiming still, it was the best wine they have had. You would get a totally different response if you had told them upfront it was $10.00 bottle. If your friends are wine snobs, do the reverse.

The point of all this, is a person's perspective has more to do with rating an experience, then the physical aspects of the event. I would say its even more the case when it comes to SF because "good SF" is not a readibly definable physical experience. I mean, what defines "good SF". Its not just the logistics, procedure, and process of the event.

I think this is really difficult to talk about because SF is so personal and intimate, so full of implications to one's self esteem. Its easy for the BS to trap themselves into a physical comparison with OP. What did they look like, what did they do, when did they do it, where did they do it, etc. And because the WS has lost their perspective on things, they go right along with this assessment.

But translate it into another event and it is easier to see the folly of the exercise. During her A, if I bought my FWW a dozen roses, from the same florist, on the same day, of the same color, arriving at the same time, I would be willing to wager that she would rate the flowers from the OM as better.

Anyway, my point of this post was to say that you should not compare yourself with OP. You should drop discussions with your WS about comparing to OP. This is not about OP. If you want to improve youself in the area of SF, do what you can. Ask your BH what he wants and as long as that does not cross over your personal boundaries try to meet those needs.

Finally, with all I said, I hope you realize that enjoyment from SF is not going to just occur in isolation. Sort of like a "rising tide raises all ships"

Hope this helps.

This one nugget of truth is worth it's weight in gold. Stay out of yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow, focus on today.

Great post rprynne! It took me a loonnnnggg time to get past this one issue. I wish I'd read a post like this back then.

Thank you all. This is what I need to do. Focus on the future and what my marriage can become rather than what H has done to damage it. I've been making myself crazy and for what? I don't even know what she looks like and no ghost needs that much time and effort wasted on her.