Greetings all - Newbie here. Searching the internet and forums on infidelity and how to cope. I have been married to my wife for over 11 years. She has been a great wife with her support, continued patience, and raising our two beautiful children. A month ago, she told me that she was unfaithful to me over four years ago and has apologized continuously ever since. This caught me by surprise and I have been trying to work things out and also cope with the recent news. I can't believe it - but after much soul searching and concentrated thought - I am trying to figure out what went wrong. I have been finding faults in my own day to day with her and my family.

We are trying to work things out. I am trying hard on my side to rebuild the trust. I do love her (that is why I am staying with her) and also trying to work things out with counseling and more communications with her.

Thoughts of the unfaithfulness still rides on my mind. She says it only happened once with someone "she didn't know" (one time she said it was a "friend of a friend"). In building trust, I have to trust her that it was only once. But with thoughts in my head and her telling me it happened over 4 years ago - so it was something I was totally oblivious about - could it have happened more? Also, if she felt so bad about being alone (while I was at work) - would/has she been having affairs/1 night stands more than the one time?

Looking for some kind advice and opinions.

S1mpl3

The pain slowly goes away, but is dissipates so slow that you do not notice it day to day but month to month.

It is normal to not be able to trust your WW now but there are many things that WW can do to help you rebuild your trust. This takes along time but will happened if your WW does what she needs to earn back your trust.

WW has to live her life transparent. WW does this by providing you with the necessary means to verify that there is no contact, NC with the OM.

WW has to provide you access and passwords to all of her emails, texts, cell phone, phone bills. Your WW may complain that she does not want to live under a microscope but she had an affair and you need to verify. WW broke your trust and now has to take these steps to rebuild it. Tell her that those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing

Details of the affair. Only you the BH can determine how much you need to know.
For some that the A is over. For others every thing.

At the very least WW must reveal who the OM is. How can you verify if there is NC if you do not know who to watch out for.

If it turns out to be a neighbor, move odds are when there is even minimal contact the chance of the affair restarting are to great. The same has to be said for when the WW works with or for the OM. This is why your WW will need to find a new job. NC must be maintained.

Last a WW usually will say that get over it now it was four years ago. Gently tell WW that it was four years ago for you not me.

Road - thanks for the response and the kind words and advice. I have agreed to work with my WW on the marriage. We just had another marriage counseling session yesterday (we have been to 4 already). After our session, we agreed to work on our communication, open up, and work on the "trust." You mentioned asking about the details of the infidelity. On the ride home yesterday, I asked her point blank about whether there was only one incident of sexual contact. She said yes and only one. I was honest about my insecurity of there being multiple one night stands (ONS) - which said no.

I have to trust her that she is being honest (after 11 years, I have to believe there is trust). She said that she was lonely and the other man (OM) was there to listen and then it happened.

I think we have made a big step in moving forward. We will continue to go to counseling. I will work my end and be more attentive as well as keeping a watchful eye for signs of where she may have feelings of lonliness. I know she did the act, but to keep us going, I am not looking to be revengeful or be mean to "get even."

I will have to just have to work with her to get through this and continue to communicate and try to move forward. Easier said than done. But I will keep you and the Forum updated.

I hope that I can stay positive and optimistic for the future. But for our kids and for the 11 years we have been married, I am willing to work on us and hopefully it will work.

Many thanks for your wisdom and response.
Simple Simon

Did you ask who the OM was?

SS,

Welcome to MB. Some marriages that have been compromised by infidelity are better off than others. Yours is one of them. I've been here a long time and there are certain characteristics that show up in the marriages most likely to survive, and I see those in your situation. They include:

*Spontaneous confessions. If a wayward spouse gets "away" with a past affair....they rarely come forward. The ones who do, demonstrate the other things that are good harbingers for recovery.

*Guilt. A spouse who confesses long after the fact is a spouse who actually feels guilt and knows what they did was wrong. They are romanticizing it. They aren't making excuses for it. They are suffering because they have lived with regret and guilt.

*Remorse. People who feel remorse and regret are far more motivated to change and face the music. They are aware of the risk they took and are more likely to see the value of the marriage. They are also more willing to accept accountability.

*Accountability. People who are really remorseful expect to be required to rebuild trust and are willing to earn through honesty, transparency and authenticity. Those are vital to recovery.

*Counseling. Spouses who are truly willing to work with a counselor and follow through on homework, accountability and action....are the ones who work the hardest and get the best results.

I have a great deal of hope for you marriage. My suggestion to you is that you along with posting here, you might also read and post on both the Emotional Needs forum which is excellent for understanding how to build compatibility and passion, as well as the Recovery forum which is good for dealing with the challenges that rebuilding faces following an affair.

Welcome to MB.

As a betrayed spouse who also found out "after the fact", I realized that I could become a huge impediment to recovery myself. I told my H "If what you did doesn't destroy this marriage, my reaction to it will". Explore the challenges you face as a betrayed spouse. You will have to deal with triggers, temptation to punish, obsessiveness about details, doubts, depression etc. I hope you find help here from people who have been where you are.

Best of luck to you....Please be encouraged!!

Do not be surprised if you find out later that this was not a one-time instance. You may find your WS is still lying due to embarrassment or a desire to "not make it worse." I hope that is not the case, but do not automatically assume you have the entire truth at this point. Also, be prepared for the roller-coaster ride of emotions as you process this and struggle with it. Good luck!

Todd

Road - I did ask who the OM was originally and was told it was someone that i didn't know ... a later story was that it was a "friend of a friend" who is no longer in the state we live in. Just this past week, I ask for more details about the OM and the incident and my wife reassured me that it was someone I didn't know.

Trying to get by who the identity of the OM was. Also, I made sure that the incident didn't happen in my home and also asked where was I.

We have spoken alot. I have been honest with my insecurities about it and have not been afraid to ask details about it so I can get over this "not knowing." I am working hard to move on and build going forward.

thanks again.
SS

Todd - thanks. My wife and I have opened up our communications tremendously over the past few weeks. I did go into shut down as i experience the "roller coaster of emotion" you mentioned. I am trusting in my wife that she is being honest that it was only a one time instance. From what I have been told (by counselors and friends), I have to trust her that she is being honest so that I can build on the trust and move forward.

I'll keep you updated. thanks for the response and kind advice.
SS

Star - thanks also for the kind remarks and the advice to move forward. My wife and I are working with very open communication and counseling. I know she is working on her side, but I am doing my best to being a great husband and staying optimistic and staying true to myself, my kids, and my spouse.

building the trust and trying to rekindle the love we had when we first got married. I am being very attentive and speaking up alot now (rather than later) - no matter how harsh or wrong the comment/opinion may be.

thanks. I'll keep you and the Forum updated.
SS

If your WW is refusing to tell you who the OM was, then she's not being open with you. She is choosing instead to protect the identity of the OM, which in my view indicates she still has the WW mind-set. It's as simple as that, really.

Consider if you invited someone someone into your home, someone your W didn't know, and that person turned around and raped your W. If your W asked you about the identity of that man, would you refuse to answer, or give an obtuse answer like "a friend of a friend" in order to protect his identity?

I agree with ManInMotion here. She is not being honest with you if she won't even tell you who it is. By telling you "You don't know him" or "He's a friend of a friend" and trying to get you to let it drop signifies that there is a very real possibility that you know the guy. Maybe even one of your friends.

You have every right to know the identity of the man. How are you supposed to verify if there has been no contact if you don't know what you are looking for?

IMO this doesn't add up. If it was someone she didn't really know then why would she confide in him? She met him, spilled her guts then had a ONS? I agree with the others that it was someone she (and more than likely you) know/knew.

Also, this guy is your enemy and an enemy of your marriage. How do you fight for the safety of your marriage when you don't know who your enemy is? I would ask a LOT more questions starting with how she met him, how long she knew him etc. Is she trying to claim she doesn't know who he is? She doesn't know his name? Sorry, I think she is trying to protect herself from further embarrassment at the least. Or it is someone you know and she knows that makes her A that much worse (double betrayal).

You are getting good advice from many that have been down this road before. Why ignore it?

My wife has trickled out very little info on the OM. Not knowing who the OM is and most of what happened has taken a toll for twenty eight years. I was told he went back home to the Midwest. We live on the East coast. Twenty years or so it turns out he never left our area. He lived twenty minutes away.

WW's, most often tell only what you can prove. Their goal is to do damage control by withholding the truth.

I do not think that your WW is being truthful.

BS's do not so that they are willing to start trusting their WS by believing what ever the WS is going to say from now on, but by their WS earning their BS trust back.

How? Willing to answer all of the BS's questions. Living transparent, access to passwords, texts, emails, cell phone, letting you know where they are at all times.

I am not calling your wife a liar, but...Mine held out for something like eight months and wouldn't have fessed up then but that I confronted her firmly but calmly with the fact that I really was certain more had happened than she was telling. It really took some serious commitment on my part to pry it loose, so don't give up. Just don't be mean in the process. Get it out gently, rather than ripping it out, if that is possible, in order to make rebuilding easier.

As to why they don't want to be open... They don't want to hurt you any more than they think they already have. Of course they really just don't understand about that, do they? They don't want to think about or deal with the fallout on their own personal side. They fear the exposure of even telling their spouse, much less the world. They want to protect the OM or OW, even though that should be the last thing of their list of priorities. A lot of times, it seems like they really believe that openness and honesty will hurt you, when that is exactly what you really need to start recovering.

Let her know how important it is to recovering to be open and honest. Let her know that you aren't going to give up on her due to details. If you are going to give up on her, the fact that it happened would be enough. I wrote a long but very carefully thought out letter to my wife explaining the importance of her putting OUR relationship above the relationship with the OM. That means telling you what you need to know, and making you feel like you can trust her.

I wish you well, and keep us posted.

I agree, you wife has to tell you who it was, she is the one who commited the adultery and should fess up whether its a neighbor, coworker, "friend of a friend etc.

SS,

I told my husband of my affair 5 years after it happened.
It was over & I told myself that I'd take my secret to the grave. I thought as long as I was a good wife & mother then it would all go away. It didn't. God had other plans. He finally gave me enough strength & courage to accept responsibility for what I had done. I was tired of being scared of talking in my sleep etc. I tell you though it was the scariest thing I ever did. We didn't have children when the A happend. And since then, we had 3 with the youngest at the time being only 3 months old.
I trusted God that He would take care of me once I outted myself. As a stay at home mom, I had no career to support myself, so I was at hubbys disposal.
Praise God for hubbys willingness to stay & work on our marriage. God is so faithful. We just have to trust him.

Like other posters said, you do need to know who OM is.
At first, I only outed the OM who back in the day hubby suspected but never confirmed. He was very hurt. Then after sitting for a bit, I fessed up to another one during the same time that I thought maybe I'd keep to myself b/c he never supsected anyone else. Truthfully, I didn't want to hurt him more than I already had. But, after (this was all the same Dday... that seemed to last an eternity) I told him of the other one, he was really shocked b/c he had no idea. He thought we had an innocent friendship. I knew in my heart I had to tell him b/c of how hard it would be if we started healing and then 2-3 months down the road it came out that there was #2.. then we'd be back to ground zero.

Keep talking to your wife & probe her for more answers. Let her know what the consequences will be if you find out more details later on that she's keeping from you.

HONESTY! NO MORE LIES... everything has to be out on the table!

We're 16 months into hubbys recovery. There's good days & bad. But far more good ones. I think my hubby realizes that I'm not that person anymore, but I've still got to earn back his trust. Cause technically, even though the cheating stopped in 2002... my lies, denying, not telling about it continued for 5 years. I've got a lot to make up for...
But, we're pulling through this only by the Grace of God! We both know that it's not us holding us together!

Praying for your marriage!
Oneflesh

I don't know how to do signatures... but you can click my screen name to find my first post... " Not the same person I was 5 years ago"...