We made it thru the first session tonite. Not much accomplished other than background and listing of our problems as we see them. <BR>This is a brand new counselor for both of us. I'm planning to continue to see my counselor on my own and w is seeking someone to help he with her esteem problem. Not sure if she will continue to see the other counselor she was seeing other than by phone.<P>The counselor did recommend we keep seeing each other at least twice a week since she has not moved home. We're planning to go to the movies on Fri. and will probably be together at our daughters swim meet if I can get my son there.(NO, I WON'T BE SEEING ANY OF THE MOVIES THAT HAVE AFFAIRS IN THEM!)<P>W did come and clean the upstairs today.She said it was a pigpen but understood I was doing the best I could. She's coming back to finish on Thurs.<BR>She did have trouble with the kids though saying she lost her temper with both of them. She said our son her her mutter under her breath that maybe it was better if she did stay away. Thats what I fear about her living on her own. She has only a little responsibility for them on a day to day basis, which I would admit must be pretty nice. <P>She said she is questioning that herself, does she really want that responsibility. IF she doesn't then thats why I don't want her to move back. IF she decides she hates it then she would move back out and that would be very tough to take for me and the kids, them especially.<P>After counseling we went out to eat and as we were leaving she said that we should probably hold off on the physical stuff for a while(there went my plans for the rest of the night!). We went back home and she put the kids to bed and I asked her to stay a while but she siad no, she was tired and wanted to go home(her apt) and go to bed so she could get up early and come back early tommorrow to help our daughter and finish cleaning.<P>We did have a pretty good talk on the way back home but she is blaming me for a lot of things, some of which I am guilty of, but she is nont taking much blame for herself.<BR>I try not to lovebust but I do have to standup for myself. I told her her hangups about things shouldn't be my problem or fault. She didn't have an answer for that.<P>As we talk, it just seem like more and more she is having a midlife crisis. She wanst to go out and just have fun. Thats what her and om did. She even wnet to a gun show with him. While I like guns, I would never have dreamed to ask her to go to one. She also went with him to a auto parts distributor. I'm not into cars at all so that would never would have entered my mind. <P>Is she just looking for different things? I had always put her first, trying to do what she liked. It's all very confusing to me. Should I just "demand" she go along with what I like like om did with her or do I try to please her? She seems to like that om took control where as I gave her choices.<P>All this makes me wonder do we have a chance?<BR>Should I find somebody that has similiar likes to mine. We are very opposite of each other in about everyway possible. They say opposites attract but I'm beginning to wonder with our lack of communication if it can work not that she has sampled another world!

Hello RWD,<P>Now let's see if I can do this quote thing right:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As we talk, it just seem like more and more she is having a midlife crisis. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How old is she? If she's anywhere around her 40's, I say yup, that's probably a part of it. That's what happened with me. Such a cliche'. Did she change her hair, lose weight, start dressing and acting younger (listening to younger music, for example)and sexier?? <P>It does sound good that you are both attending counseling and she is working on her issues also. I think that's hopeful. She also came to clean? Now, that's really promising. <P>My H and I have both asked, "Should I find somebody that has similiar likes (and interests) to mine"? We are opposites, and we all know that opposites attract but then they divorce; at least that's what I learned in Psych class. The neat thing about opposites is that they can BALANCE eachother. I like that concept! <P>Best wishes to you as you work to repair your marriage...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

N-B,<BR>She turned 41 in April. She has started listening to more pop music and even plays it loud(I could hear her coming down the street!)<P>She mentioned the other night about getting a tattoo. I'm not sure whether she was kidding or not. I found out that the om's daughter has 3.<P>She also said I should get an earring. I'll be 44 next month and that doesn't really appeal to me.<P>She also want a sports car or SUV when the lease on her Saturn wagon runs out in a year.<BR>A SUV would be nice, but how is she going to run the kids and their friends around in a sports car if I'm not around in my good old sedan?<P>I think part of the problem is that a lot of her work friends don't have kids and they have these toys. Om had an 83 Trans AM that he restored so she thinks thats a big deal that he could work on his own car. I tried to explain that you can't really work on these new cars because of the computers in them but she wouldn't believe me.<P>The more I talk about it, the more I see a lot of it had to do with mid life crisis and her feeling I didn't love her. I guess I'm jut afraid she doesn't return to "normal" and will go after this carefree life.<BR>She still doesn't feel that she abandoned the kids because she "only moved 2 minutes away." She doesn't seem to understand that emotionally she has. I don't know if it is my job to tell her that. That would be a major lovebuster, which I am trying to avoid.<P><p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited October 13, 1999).]

Oh Lord,<P>I've heard it all, said it all before. Yup, it's a mid-life crisis. I would put money on it. The tatoo... oh ya, I was gonna do that too... was gonna put "OM name's baby" around my navel and then get it pierced too! God, what an idiot!<P>Everything you said, from the music to the car... know it, lived it. <P>Before you ask, no... I am not the same as I was before the thing happened, and I did not bounce back. But I'm also not totally nutso like I was during the affair. I didn't get the tatoo or the piercing, but I did lose a lot of weight (which I really needed) and grew out my hair. I went from fat frumpy housewife to slightly chubby but sexy hot adultress. Disguisting, actually. Your W may or may not come back to reality, and it is my hope, of course, that she does. I'm back myself, but I'm worse for the wear, if you know what I mean. I am going through hell, and I put my family, the family of the OM and most of all, my H, through hell too. It takes time, that's for sure. <P>Is she still living with the OM?? <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Glad your counseling went well. I agre I think W is have a midlife crisis. I went through one(no affair). It was after our D graduated from HS. I just withdrew I was tired of doing for everyone and wanted time to myself. Funny thing no one noticed I was having any problems, which upset me even more. I felt like life had passed me by. I hadn't accomplished anything. I know I didn't reach out I wanted H to reach out to me, but he didn't even know there was a problem an of course I didn't tell him. That was probably the start of our problems. I started getting better when I had to plan and do everything for my D wedding. I guess I felt I had a purpose. So I guess I am an expert on MLC. I know that I just wanted to get awy from everyone and have no responsibilities. I wished I had seen a counselor then, so maybe since your W is seing one they work through this. I sometimes wonder if it would have been me having the affair if there had been an opportunity. Since there wasn't one I guess I'll never really know except I don't really think I could have. But I just wanted you know how I felt during the MLC so that maybe it would help you understand your W a little better.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi RWD -<P>I think that these things will (and should) come out in counseling...give it some time to develop there.<P>As far as liking different things...I'm sure that part of her is searching for something new and exciting---something to "jumpstart" her life. That's probably why OM was in the picture to begin with...just an escape route to "excitement".<P>Since you have been here a while, you know that there are things that can be done, such as compromising on new or different activities and routines...that shouldn't be too difficult....you can do with a little new stuff in your activity pool also, right?<P>The trick is to find recreational activities that are fun and fulfilling for you both!!! I would guess that means trial and error.....<P>About Lack of Communication...again, this is something that you hopefully have had some realizations about. Have you found different ways to communicate your feelings from what you used to do?<P>Show her how, if you have....if not then you both need to learn how to communicate effectively....it won't happen by itself....you two have to learn techniques and put them into practice. Also, honesty and regard for each others feelings are paramount and should be in the forefront of any conversations or actions.<P>Since she is so confused...it is up to you to set these things in motion by doing them yourself...then she can/will follow.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS...Patience and Love!!!