My husband and I have been married for 4 years now and have one son. Well, my husband and i dated during highschool since the 10th grade on and off, to my knowledge were eachothers first and only and married a year after graduation. We both joined the military together and our first year of marriage was apart. During that first year i had deployed to iraq and had and affair with a co-worker, call him D. After returning home my husband and found our first home together and things at first was alright but soon we did nothing but fight and I went back to D. My husband and I separated and I contuined to see D. My husband and I reconcilled after I found out I was pregnant and I stop seeing D on my husbands request. I prayed it was my husbands and not D's but I always knew there was a chance my son was his. I kept the truth about the affair and the chance our son was D's to myself. I wanted to tell my husband the truth but feared he would leave. Resently after a chaplin recommended your book His Needs Her Needs we had gotten a few chapters in to it and I couldn't keep the truth any longer and told my husband. At first he was mad and left but decided he wanted to work things out and that it happend a long time ago. Then he ordered a mail in dna test to find out whether or son was his or not. The results came back negitive and it devasted the both of us. I felt so sick and he felt hurt. We are trying to work things out between us and after reading your book I've looked back and discovered why I had and affair. However before we got married during our on and off times in highschool my husband told me 2 yrs ago about him sleeping with 3 other girls. I forgave him about it because of what I had done but now it hurts because we have talked alot about what happend back then for both of us and after hearind about the details of what he had done hurts badly because even during our off times we remained "friends with benifits" and continued to sleep together. After hearing about him sleeping with these other girls while we were still slepping together and to hear that he had them in the back seat of his car and in his bed where we had been together too hurts and I feel as if I am not giving it my all because of everything. After I told him he started asking about details and wanted to know everything about it and the questions hurt because I've pushed the thoughts out aver the years and have forgotten alot of the details. However after asking him about the details of his fling before marriage he remembers alot and had one of the females as his friend on my space. This one female he slept with twice and during or separation saw her again and says all they did was talk about what was going on between us. It bothers me because he has talked about whether or not he should go cheat on me to make himself feel better but then says he wouldn't do that. I have prayed for forgiveness everyday for what I have done and truely feel horrible and pain for what I did but after trying to ask him why he slept with the other girls while he was sleeping with me he tells me he don't know and blames it on being young and stupid. I love him so much and feel nothing for D anymore but I am afraid that even though I know my husband loves me very much that he still has some feelings for the other girl because why else after all these years would he have her on his buddy list on myspace? That and the fear that now with our son not being his that he will begin to treat our son differently and after and year or so decide he can't deal with it anymore and leave. I don't know what to do and don't want to be without my husband. After reading your book our relationship has been getting better but now with this it's better but I don't know for how long. What should I do?

I think you made the right choice to move your thread over here. Now I would make a call and schedule a time with Steve or Jennifer Harley.

Good luck.

Thanks I will definatly discuss talking to them with my husband and see if he wants to also. If not, we have already talked about going to a pro-marriage councler to talk to someone. Thanks again.

BTW...while you have done some terrible things...your whole life need not be defined by those choices.
You have a long life ahead of you and these steps you are taking now will go a long way to assuring that it is a life based on truth and integrity.


Read up on the POJA and Radical Honesty. Heck, for that matter...read all you can here and hopefully your H will follow suit.

We are here for him if he would like to talk as well.

How old is your son?

I really don't know what I'd do as a man. I'd probably leave. Sorry to be blunt, but I don't want to raise someone else's kid and one that was created out of infidelity.

But I can't say that I'd necessarily let my kids go if I learned right now that they weren't mine. They luckily look like me and the one that doesn't has the same genetic disorder I do.

Tough situation. The fact that he ponders a revenge affair is a dangerous sign.

Who your husband slept with during your "on and off" times is irrelevant. He wasn't married to you and you guys were dating and in HS.

He didn't cheat on you. You weren't married.

That I don't believe at all just because we weren't married doesn't mean he didn't cheat. We were still together and connected back then. He addmitted to sleeping with me one week and sleeping with another girl the next then sleeping with me the next week. How is that not defined as cheating? We were still together.

MM, I am confused about why you are bringing up your husband's high school antics, when he was a teenage boy, and what it has to do with the current situation. What is the relevance here?

The only reason I bring any of that up is because it happend right before we got married. We married at 19 right out of highschool and he told me about the other girls after 2 yrs into marriage. I've asked about why he went to them back then, what wasn't i doing that caused it. I just want to know so I don't repeat the problem. That and I deployed while I was 19 and that is when the affair started. We were both young back then and I'm not chaulking it up to being young and stupid like he tells me that was his reason. We have read His Needs Her Needs and just started on Love Busters. That is what got me wondering why so I don't cause that problem now that we are in recovery. It concerns me because he has made comments about a revenge affair but then says he'll never do it and is still able to get in contact with one of the other girls. During our first year after I got back from Iraq he had went home and ran into this one girl from back then and it was so easy he says to open up to her and tell her all about our problems. IT scares me. After reading the book I understand how my A happend, which I could explain before. However after discovering that he had the other girl on his myspace account and has had contact with her in the past it scares me that he could go back to her while we are going through the tough times of recovery. I'm not blaming him for anything I just want to make sure I don't do whatever it was I did back then that caused him to go to the other girls.

Your husband should have zero contact with old lovers. Zero.

I understand why you brought it up...it is time to focus on recovering from the affair. Also, make no assumption that your H has not engaged in an affir. In my experience, keeping in touch with old lovers is a recipe for disaster.

Call the Harley's....today if you can. Some of your issues are pretty tough and a prfoessional should be able to offer some guidance.

That what concerns me. My H swares that when he talked to her after we were married that nothing happend but he always told me that if he wanted it to he could of but if he had done something I don't believe he would tell me because (to me) he would lose all his power and won't be able to blame everything on me. He has come home numrours times telling me about females that have hit on him and how many time he "could" of slept with women from work or when we go back home to visit family. It eats at me because I wonder if he ever did especially during our first year when all this went on beacuse we were apart due to our jobs and our entire first year we never lived together or spent more than a weekend toghether. We got married on a weekend when he flew out to Californa where I was stationed for school and got married then he flew back to Florida where he was stationed. We never were together so we never got to grow as a married couple does, it was like we were just dating but had that paper saying we were married. We finally were together right before our 1 yr anniversary. It was hard and we fought alot during that time because we wern't together. So I wonder after he told me about meeting the other girl if something did happen between them after I got back from iraq and we got separated.

Don't get me wrong our marriage now is GREAT. We haven't been this happy since high school. This has been the best year together even with all of this going on. We have both been meeting eachothers EN and been more bonded and loving than ever before but we both dift off and day dream about the past. He starts thinking about me and the OM and I start thinking about him and the OW.
All he thinks about is that every time me and the OM got together we had sex, but I keep telling him that isn't the case. Sex played a very small role in the A. Most of the time together between me and the OM was spent either talking or just relaxing together we didn't sleep together every time we got together and it causes conflict between us.

I know it's going to be a hard road ahead and if we both want to make it we have got to work at it. But we both have the moments when we dift off and can't stop thinkg about eachother with the OP. That and I fear that he may of had an A himself but refuses to tell me at least not now. So it makes this time very tough but I refuse to give up on this marriage because I love my H with all my heart and want to be with him.

Any advice on how either of us can deal with the times we drift off and start thinking about eachother with the OP?

This is why both of you need to follow the MB program so that you can "affair proof" your marriage in the future. If your husband is getting the opportunity to sleep with other women, he will take them up on it one day when things aren't going too well between the two of you. You both need to set boundaries and conditions so neither of you has the opportunity to cheat again. The first thing you need to do is make sure that you never live apart again. The second subject you need to address is opposite sex friends.

Marinemom,

You stated
I think there are a few things that you need to fully understand about marriage and yes even this site. People can cheat at cards, they can cheat on their taxes, and they can cheat in a realtionship. All of this is true.

HOWEVER! (you knew this was coming right? )

Marriage is more than a relationship...far more. You and yes your H really need to grasp this concept. I know in the present time, people talk as if married/living together are really the same things. They are not. Engaged is not the same thing as married either.

In living together, one or both of you can decide to end the relationship and just leave.

An engagement is supposed to be a trial time to see if marriage is really a good thing or not.

Marriage on the other hand is a LEGAL entity. It is a religious entity, it is a moral entity. It exists in virtually all civilizations and it has deep purpose and consequences.

When you marry many things legal change. You/your H can make life and death decisions for you. You now share financial responsibility for one another, and on it goes.

When you look at this from a moral, societal, and yes religious point of view. You stand before your families, friends, and yes God and make promises/vows. You vow many things but one that is often recalled is to love someone in "sickness and health". What is not often realized is that while you say these things to your spouse the promise is really YOURS to yourself. YOU are the one that has to keep it even if he is not there. You are the one that is responsible for your decisions and must answer to your H, your family, and yes even to God for your failures.

Often people interpret love as a "feeling". You did not promise to "feel" in love with your H, you promised to act loving toward him. Here Love is a verb, an action, something you do. It is why you can make that vow when you married. You cannot control feelings but you sure can control actions. You of all people should have learned this in the military.

My point is all of this is to make you aware that you are on a marriage building site. You have indeed come to the right place. But, you MUST understand that most folks here no matter FWW, FBS or other folks, take marriage and the responsibilities of the marriage very very seriously.

To say that cheating before a marriage is the same as it is after is not accurate. You sure can be hurt by the former, but deep and serious vows are broken in the later. Further, there are financial consequences as well.

You don't seem to realize it yet, but you have not only had an affair on your H, but you have confirmed most men's worst fear...That they are not the father of their child. As a woman you may intellectually understand this, but you cannot possibly understand it on an emotional level, any more than I can truly understand what it is like to carry a child in me and give birth to it.

I want to leave you with some thoughts and I hope that you will consider them as you read here, ask questions here, and learn here. There is no balancing of sin "well he did it" doesn't work.
You need to really understand what you have done, what your H is going to have to overcome (seeing OM's child in his life for the rest of his life), and you MUST quit the blame shifting.

If ever there was a time for you to mentally use "Yes Sir!, No Sir! No Excuse Sir!, this is the time. Your job is to be the best W you can be, but it is also to help heal a wound so deep you really cannot conceive of it.

Can it be done? Yes it can. It has been done around here more times than you realize. Is it easy with the daily reminder in the form of OM's child? Nope, it sure is not. Does this child deserve to be put in the middle? No, it does not. No one deserves this situation but your choices brought it to be.

As you learn to make a good marriage, you must learn to see things from multiple sides. You must let go of "well he did it", and address what is happening NOW, and what you want to happen in the future. Your H is deeply wounded now, not just by your affair, but by the fact that the child he is help raise is not his. Your first child of this marriage is not his. He can overcome this, but he will need your help.

Please think about this. I know you have, but I suspect given your age, the depths of this really has not sunk in yet. It will come with time, and as you two grow.

God Bless,

JL

Look I didn't come on this site to be lashed at and bashed for my actions. I CAME here for help. I am not shifting the blame what I talked about was my FEAR of the fact that he still has contact with the OW from the past, NEVER did I say he did it so it makes what I did ok! I NEVER said it was the same thing! All I said was that yes he did cheat on me before hand but if you would of read more I was talking about my FEAR of him going back to her because of his mention of a revenge affair. So dont bash at me if you don't read and understand the whole story. I am trying my HARDEST to work on my marriage! I feel horrible for what I did I NEVER said that I didn't. I come on here to ask advice on how to help my H and I not to get insulted and told what I horrible person I am, I know that I am for what I did but I at least I am doing everything I can think of to help my H and I save our marriage. EVERYONE thinks that I wasn't hurt by finding out our son wasn't his. I wanted to curl up and die. I used protection with the OM and in my heart believed the child was my H. I knew there was always that chance our son wasn't but believed that I used protection so it couldn't be. SO if all you are going to do is put me down and critize me for asking for help than don't bother replying to my post and keep your comments to yourself because I have enough going on in my life right now without people like you trying to "help" but only make things worse.

Oh marinemom...

I am speaking to you as another FWW and I can tell you that the poster that you just blasted (JustLearning) was NOT bashing you at all!!! He is one of the kindest and most helpful posters to WWs/FWWs (and others) around here...There is MUCH wisdom in his words and you would be wise to read and re-read any of his posts to you...He is one that can greatly help your marriage if you LISTEN...Personally, I call him YODA!

Seriously, take a deep breath, drop the defensiveness and realize that people post to HELP you...They took time out of their lives to focus on YOUR problems and try to help you along...Be grateful...Be humble...Those qualities will help you here and in your marriage...

Be well...

Mrs. W

I understand that ppl don't come on here to bash other on purpose but the fact of the matter is that I was looking for advice and help dealing with the thoughts of H with OW before marriage and to help him with thoughts of me with OM. Not to be told that what I feel doesn't matter and my fears hold nothing. I know everyone is trying to help but the constant "bashing" towards me is hard to deal with. The A happend long ago but D-day was only a few weeks ago so the pain that I caused my H is fresh and when I'm asking for advice to help us both heal and deal with everything going on now and all I seem to get is constant critzim for what I already know was a horrible thing to do isn't helpful. I mean was it helpful to you as a FWW to be constantly told how horrible a person you were because all it does for me is make me want to curl up and die even more.

As a FWW who kept her A a secret for a long time, I can tell you that though the A was a long time ago the recent dday makes this fresh and new. Plus, if you are like me, you did not truly process the A until your H found out. You need to work through you issues of why and most importantly, how to protect your personal boundaries so it does not happen again. His Needs/Her Needs is a great book for that. In fact, Dr Harley has a workbook you can use with HNHN so you and your H learn the concepts together.

The people on this forum helped me not only deal with my H's A's but with healing and truly recovering from my own A, even though it had been over for years. So what you see as bashing, we see as truthfulness and people reaching out to help you. Your defensiveness says to me that you have not completely worked through your own issues that led to your A. That is why they are trying to take you off the issue of your H betraying before you were married. Of course it hurts to learn about this! It is not the issue though. The issue is to teach you and your H how to protect your marriage. How to "affair proof" you marriage and to help your marriage heal from the recent dday of your A and your son being an OC.

We're not trying to beat up on you. We are trying to help you save your marriage. Bringing up what your H did BEFORE you ever got married when talking about your affair, having another man's child, and concealing the fact that it might not be his is only going to hurt your chance at recovery. It will sound to your H like you are trying to justify or rationalize your behavior. Sure he screwed up in the past as well, but if he is going to forgive you for what you did, you need to first forgive him for his past behavior. You need to forgive each other, but learn lessons about what happened and build your marriage by caring for each others needs and putting up boundaries to keep out threats to the marriage.

No I understand all that and we have both read HNHN and have started on LB and have been better that ever understanding eachother EN and meeting them. I know my H wouldn't go and have a A with this OW now but I do believe that he may have during our 1st yr of M during our separation. Even though he will never tell me, it is in the back of my mind. I was never meaning to turn the wrong doing onto my H and if that was what I ws doing I am sorry, that wasn't what I was trying to do, I just wanted to explain the whole story and ask for advice for my own fears and my H fears. I didn't mean to lash out at anyone but I felt as if I was being attacked. Again I am sorry to everyone who I lashed out at before. Please don't stop trying to help because of my earlier additude.

I believe that the intent is to help you better understand what is going on in the mind of your husband past, present and future, something I don't think you grasp as yet. Without that understanding, you are operating out of your own mind set without consideration for his, except how you can help him put it behind him like you are trying for yourself.

How can you help your husband deal his emotions about the results of the choices you made if you yourself cannot deal with them? Stop loathing yourself and being so defensive about it.

The only father your son knows is not his biological dad. This is a simple statement of fact. How your husband handles that and how you help him handle the issues toward your son is going to make a huge difference in how your son grows and matures as a person. The maturity and gownup thinking both you and your husband bring to the table is going to make all the difference in the world for your son.

Please go back and read what for you is the counter intuitive advice given you by JL. There are some real gems there IF you look at what JL says instead of your own shame.

In my opinion, an other person's child is just about the hardest hit that any relationship can endure. In my opinion, the advice of a serious professional such as Steve Harley is called for. I urge you to call him asap.

Larry

To answer your question marinemom, YES, it did help me for the people here to speak to me directly with HARD TRUTHS...Did I always like it? Heck no! But I have found that the posts that sting the worst usually do so BECAUSE they bring you hard truths...facts...reality...they hold a mirror up for you...Ultimately they are helpful, you just have to be willing to look at your actions...

This quote from you causes me some concern:


And here is why...It sounds like you believe you did something that CAUSED your husband, then boyfriend, to cheat...That leads me to believe that you believe something that your husband did CAUSED you to cheat...That is NEVER the case...Cheating is a CHOICE made by the individual who cheats...It is true that there are things that leave one vunerable, however, the CHOICE to stray always falls directly on the shoulders of the infidel...

Make sense?

Mrs. W