After all of my whining and complaining about lack of SF with enthusiasm, etc., my FWW and I had a spectacular night. Unbelieveable. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was toe-curling to say the least.

Then it hits me like a tsunami. Some of those terrific things we just did are the same things OM got.

I felt really special, really loved for about 10 seconds, until I remembered that in the past she'd give it away to a virtual stranger without a second thought. Eagerly. I realized it isn't special to me anymore. Fun, like an amusement park ride, but not special.

So, I'm unhappy without quality SF, and I'm almost more unhappy with quality SF. Imagine that...me unhappy.

I know many of you have similar issues. I'm just really down today and needed to get it out.

Krazy, someone here mentioned that SF is more than just the sex, and what makes it special is the love behind it...

Hey, I've had much better sex with others before my marriage than I have ever had w/ WW, but never with as much love and committment...at least from me...

If we ever get there, I can imagine such triggers as well.

About a year ago my WW complained to OM that the sex was great, but that he wasn't "present"...hmmmmmmmmm This was the beginning of trouble in paradise...too bad, so sad.

I hear you, but before d-day it was more than just the love behind it. It was special. It was ours.

Now, it's not.

Not that I'm special...I've read many other posts involving similar situations.

I so hear you too, Krazy...

I looked at WW last night and realized I've been ignoring that eventuality...I'm sure it would be one of many difficult hurdles in recovery...

Perhaps that's where this thread should go...the recover forum...thats where those fortunate souls who've been through this spend more of their time

Krazy,

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from.

It's as if the one thing which was precious and unique to you was now shared and no longer exclusive to you as a husband. That exclusivity got violated.

If you guys D, you will go through several things which the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" captures beautifully.

I was that guy. I lived what he did and what happened to him.

It's interesting how we react to infidelity as men and women. The SF bothers men a lot more than the emotions involved while the emotions involved are worse for women.

Don't get me wrong, the above things are bad for both men and women, but the approach or emphasis to it is a little different.

Krazy

I felt the same thing too. FWH was my first and only, I was his. Not anymore.

SF was a trigger for awhile. The whole time I'd have movies running through my head. After awhile I decided that OW didn't belong in the room. It was MY bedroom!

It took some doing and at times it still does, but I don't see those movies anymore during SF. I got mad and took it back. I lost something, but it is still special, just different.

You'll get there. Remember don't give OM anymore power over you. Don't waste your valuable thought energy on him. Try to focus on what's in front of you. Just keep her image in your head.

Isn't this strange!! I do agree with you though. To me i think (i am saying think since it did not happen that way) that if my H were to have just had sex with the OW i could have dealt with that better, it was the emotions he shared with her that i can not handle. It just goes to show you that men and women are different in more ways than we know.

And Krazy the advice that MichelleG gave you is good stuff too. We both need to try to get that OP out of our Ms, it seems to me that both of our spouses have, it is us who can not darn it!

Thanks everyone.

I guess I should just be thankful that my W is trying. Things could be worse.

Still (and Krazy),

What I have found is that after a time goes by and your WS turns into a FWS, it is only you who can heal yourself. If your FWS is doing all that they can, it's then up to you alone. The battle is with yourself.

It's self control and thought diversions that will help you heal. You have to get control of your thoughts so that they don't control you. And this means when you start to drift and think about the A, you only have a few seconds before the emotions kick up. Before that happens (30 seconds or so) you have to stop the thought, stop the memory. If you don't, the feelings that you felt at that point in time will come back as if it's happening now. And then you feel like cr*p and it all goes to h8ll. Catch it before that happens. Do it all the time and it becomes habit and you slowly stop going there.


I also found that when I started to think about my FWH and "how could he have done this" kinda stuff, I had to alter this to "how was he this morning" stuff because he was loving and caring and sweet.

Try to stay IN THE PRESENT. It helps. Takes a little training.

Yes, just think about how my WW didn't have SF with me for SIX MONTHS after her affair ended. Or how since then, I've been only getting it about once every 3 weeks. And I'm 27. I need it 3 times a week at a minimum. One of the things us BSs must do is get out of our victim mentality because it will only hold us back. Enjoy the SF you are getting. I would if I were you.

sounds like settling to me. Perhaps what is holding you back are the wives that have given so freely to another but shut off the faucet when it comes to their spouses.

Krazy71,

I understand your triggers and empathise with you considering the circumstances in which you forced to discover your WW's infedilty.

This is a horrible complication to recovery. the images you saw were not imagined, but real and ingrained into your brain.

I have read quite a few of your posts' and mostly, it always relates to bitternes and resentment. I can understand that full well.

Have you every asked yourself honestly, will I ever be able to get over this?

If the answer is no, you must consider alternatives. God does not want you to be bitter and angry for the rest of life.

I am not a proponent of D, but you may have to make a decision here very soon. Your life and the intimacy you have with your W will have to change very soon for the positive, or you may just be one of those who cannot get by this. there is no shame in that, as God allows for it, knowing our heart and our nature.

Is there any way to deflect you into a different dispostion?

What will it take?

All blessings,
Jerry

Hey Krazy:

I know what you are going through and it is hell. I did not walk in on my wife but it is just as bad. I knew she was cheating when I was out of town so I had a camera hidden in my bedroom. I had hired a PI guy for this stuff to get video proof since she denied the affair.

After seeing that well there is just no way I could recover from it. Now I had previously told my wife years ago that I would divorce her if she cheated. I told her this because even though I was a very forgiving person I would never forgive her for screwing another guy. She knew this and the rest is history. My own belief system is that if your spouse will do this to you then marriage is just not worth it.

In my case I made it clear screwing another guy meant she wanted a divorce. The reason is I knew I could not get over it. If she could find a guy that turned her on then who am I to stand in her way? I just did not want to financially support her.

My point is this some people can get over it and some can not. My XW was cruel to me in a lot of ways but I never even considered divorcing her. I could get over anything she did I couldn't get over that.

What is my point? Well you will have to be able to forgive her if you want your life back. Will she do it again? Can you trust her? Those are things only you can answer. But you do deserve to be happy.

You already made it farther than I would. Now since you made the decision to stay the question is can you forgive her and get your life back.

Maybe this is just the only place you can vent. Nothing wrong with that. But it would seem to me that it would start coming thru to her when you are together. I wish you the best and hope it all works out for the best.

IHE EXCELLENT post. I know hard-learned wisdom being shared when I see it.

Many thanks for that.

I don't think seeing them was the real kicker; I think it was the absolute, complete surprise of it all. I suspected nothing, and I'm distrustful by nature...I had been accused of being paranoid and overly jealous on numerous occasions. One second our M is better than it had ever been (so I thought), and literally one second later my world was shattered.

I had told my W that I'd never tolerate cheating, but that was before I was married to her for 10+ years and had 2 children. A decade and 2 kids bought her one chance. I know now there will not be another chance, ever.

You know, in real life I'm considered kind of an opinionated a-hole. That's not surprising, I know.

you an opinionated a**hole?? NEVER!

it is such a hard situation.
i remember the first time my ex cheated. it was a one night stand.
after that i felt i had something to prove and even though our sex life was never bad (i am a very adventurous type) i still felt maybe i had something to prove. so we had a fantastic "session" of sex and you know what? afterwards, i just cried. i felt used and i felt dirty almost. because i knew he had been somewhere else.

and the pictures in my head would not go away until probably 6+ months after i threw him out (and he had cheated several more times before i threw him out)

i wish i had made him leave for good after the first time. i could have saved myself and my kids a LOT of heartache.

and now i have a really hard time trusting a man. i really hard time.

i know exactly how you feel.

mlhb

Hi K71

You said
This made me think a lot.

If Squid cheated again I wouldn't necessarily end our marriage immediately. I wouldn't lose anything in a second affair that I have not already lost. I am not in this marriage now, post-A just because she is faithful to me. There are lots of reasons why I am but Squid can never be "only mine" ever again.

If life , on balance, was more tolerable for all affected parties remaining in a marriage after a second affair rather than divorce I'd probably not D.

hmm. Need to think about that one a lot. I never thought this way before and I don't much like it.

A thought provoking comment, K, thanks !

I think you would lose more.

I would imagine that the worst nightmare of any BS in R is that the FWS will cheat again, either with the same OP or a new one. A second d-day would make that nightmare a reality, and it would be a clear indicator that my W will never be faithful. To go through what we have and still cheat would be infintely more heartless and awful that the original A.

I would lose all hope. BS's that tolerate multiple d-days are more forgiving than I can imagine being.

I tend to agree with you Bob. I'm currently M'd simply because it beats the alternative. If there was another A, I'd probably not D either, if staying M'd beats the alternative.

However, I definitely would be making seriously plans to ensure that at some point in my future my happiness and welfare (financial or otherwise) does not involve or depend upon my cheating W. In fact, in some ways I've already started that process.

Krazy

Before Squid's A I was so dependent upon Squid and her being my "only ever" that I fell and smashed like a tray of glasses when she pulled away and had an A.

Since then I had to learn to become self-actualized, and pragmatically accept the facts of what I had lost.

I do not fear her cheating again. I do not need her to be faithful now. I'd like her to be, but it is no longer a capstone of my life and personality. I would not take another affair as a judgment on my husbandry , as I did last time.

I'd be VERY hurt and I WOULD probably D her, but K, to be honest, I am already a cuckold. There is no separate word in the dictionary for a "repeat cuckold".

I doubt Squid would cheat again, but if she did I'm pretty sure I wouldn't knee-jerk divorce her. There are a lot of practical things to consider, and the kids, for example. If I thought they'd be happier, on balance , by staying married I would consider that very strongly.

hmm. Blimey ! Your comment HAS made me think new things !