You need enough proof for an AOA lawsuit, and then you file one and expose all at once. Telling her you know will not get her to end it. She needs to experience the consequences of her actions before she will change. You need to start protecting your finances and make it difficult for her to be able to afford a lawyer. At the same time, you need to be stashing away money for a PI and lawyer to file the AOA suit and fight the impeding divorce (which she will likely push for unless her affair has ended). You need to ACT NOW! The longer you wait, the worse your chances are.

You also need to continuing with plan A. Try and meet whatever ENs she will allow you to meet, and do not get frustrated and love bust when it doesn't seem to work. Just keep plugging away. She will notice it, but she won't let you know she is noticing it. That would take away her justification for having the affair.

Zeph,

I don't think you need a whole lot more proof than what you have.

It is painful.

This is the worst pain you will ever experience.

But you must be strong.

Come here and we will lift you up as best we can.

I'm happy to talk to you on the phone if you wish.

This is why you need to consult with a lawyer TODAY! Ask him what the burden of proof to get an AOA lawsuit to trial. You need to get your PI proof, send out your letter notifying OM of the AOA if he does not stop all contact w/ your WW, securing your finances, and start exposing within two weeks of tomorrow. If you need to take some emergency time off work, then by all means do so. Time is of the essence. You need to get your ducks in a row quickly. This is going to get a he11 of a lot worse before it gets better. You can either sit around and feel sorry for yourself, or you can take active steps to try and rid your family of this threat. Trust me, taking action will make you feel much better. Start today!

Zeph,

You've received good advice if you want a chance at saving your marriage.

This affair is inflicting SERIOUS damage to you and your marriage. You need to act SERIOUS and with a SENSE OF URGENCY in SERIOUS situations.

Define your purpose(fight for your marriage or divorce) - Then develop your plan.

Define you plan(if you are going to fight for your marriage):

To fight for your marriage:
a)Take action to end the affair(a good Plan A and Exposure)
b)Establish No Contact between the affair partners(should include no longer working with the OM).


To fight for you:
a) Protect yourself financially
b)Be strong and stick up for what is right(Love Busting is not right). Don't be a doormat and settle for crumbs.
c) Determine your timeline you will be able to mentally and physically be able to handle being in Plan A. This timeline will tell you when to goto Plan B if Plan A does not work.


Take action NOW!

Your beautiful wife is GONE. She is an ADDICT, bent on nothing else but her FIX.

I had to accept the fact the he was gone. Just ACCEPT it, that doesn't mean giving up. YES, she can snap out of it and come back. There are SO MANY sitchs on here that show that.

This may not make you feel better or not. G-d doesn't ensure that our version of happiness is what he has planned for us. He just says he has plans, and sometimes "why us" just is to glorify G-d.

Did not God test Abraham by telling him to sacrifice his only son Isaac, only to stop him and reward him for his humble servitude? Did God not test Job by allowing the devil to take everything away from him so he would curse God, only to pay him back twofold when he did not?

Don't ask why. These were the cards you were dealt. If you can stay true to your faith despite all this suffering, He will repay you. Besides, how do you know that this didn't happen so that this would be the catalyst that changed your marriage for the better in the future?

Now is not the time for questioning, it is a time for action.

Zeph,

You have neglected your W. Neglect.

You need to have an outstanding Plan A that shows your WW that you will never ever neglect her again.

Such wisdom and beautifully said.

I am SO sorry that I've not gotten back to you sooner.

FLT2H told me that the way to find someone's posts is to click on their name, and scroll down to the link for view posts.

I tried it and it worked! Only a few pages from the very beginning were lost, it seems.

I just noted it has been over a year since my last post. It has been a long year. It has been and is hell.

After many months of attempts to repair the marriage with a marriage communication retreat, months of marriage counseling, and every effort on my part to save the marriage (I even got my chest waxed at the suggestion of my wife and marriage counselor. OUCH! with no affect), I was hopeful in September when on the day after I saw the Fireproof movie with my son (my wife wouldn't go), I saw that she was wearing her wedding ring again. Sadly, that mild feeling of relief/joy only lasted about 1 1/2 months before the wheels came off again, with the ring, and her intentions once again turned toward divorce. She's telling me and everyone she is done.

In addition to the marital crisis, I was laid off by my employer in July, my father began dying of cancer in September, he passed away in January, and as my unemployment was running out I also was served divorce papers in February. We're still in the early stages of the divorce. I'm still working on being patient, loving, kind, but meanwhile having to protect myself legally .

We haven't really discussed and agreed on custody of the three kids yet, but she offered joint and split residential custody, with my oldest son (12) living with her, and my daughter (11) and youngest son (7) living with me and me keeping the house. Splitting up the kids is not ideal, but since my oldest wants to live with his mom (she spoils the heck out of him, so why wouldn't he?), if I don't accept the offer I could lose them all (and many thousands of dollars) if we turn this into a custody battle for all the kids.

My attorney seems to indicate that there is nothing I can do to stop the divorce. Only she can, but has to want to...and she doesn't seem to in any way. Thus, it is only a matter of time before she gets the divorce, and at what financial cost? He's recommending I agree to the divorce and accept her offer of splitting up the kids. We likely start mediation in coming months seemingly to negotiate the details.

I can't verbalize the feelings of pain, betrayal, sadness, and helplessness I feel at this time as I watch our marriage unwind and our family on the verge of breaking up. I feel such rage and anger, and yet and helpless to diffuse the ticking timebomb in our lives. I'm on an anti-depressant and going to individual counseling. I'm also in a 12 step marriage group, and have many solid friends, family and clergy in my corner to listen, pray and guide me thru these dark days.

If anyone has any other ideas on how to stop the divorce and save the marriage, I'm all ears. Otherwise, I don't see any choice but to give her the divorce and accept her custody offer.

My dad isn't suffering anymore since he's gone, my mom is healing from the loss and busy helping me with the kids, and I'm back to full employment as of this week. Everything could be getting better if she would just stop the divorce and work on the marriage, but I just don't see her doing that. The coming year(s) are going to be difficult and painful for all of us.

No-fault divorce sucks. Divorce, of any kind, sucks. Infidelity is one of the most evil, sinful, selfish decisions any person could make. And I find my self on the hurting end of a cold-hearted divorce at the hand of my bitter bride.

I'm so sorry for your losses. And I really feel sorry for your OS, if she really spoils him! He will grow up a miserable, bitter person.

Anyway, did you ever work on her needs? Do you know them? You can still Plan A her, even if you're divorced. Lots of people remarry down the road. You've got plenty of time to woo her again.

Just get to know her ENs and start filling them every chance you can. It sounds like you're now coming out of your pain for of the last year, so do some good with it! Make a plan!

If she's into ecology, make sure you are recycling. If she likes organic food, start growing some. If she likes brainy guys, go back to college. Become that person she would admire.