We are almost at the one-year mark of D-Day. And suddenly, I am obsessed with the OW. In my heart of hearts I really do not consider her to be of much importance. I put the reposibility for the A squarely on my H's shoulders where it belongs. I don't really care if she had walked naked down the street in front of him. HE is the one who made a promise to me ,not her. And HE is the one who broke it.

Even so, I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I find myself looking on the internet to find info about her. It's not there because she is not that not notable. She does not own property. She does not drive. She is not a US citizen. H***, she doesn't even speak English.

I have never seen her, but she HAS seen me. I think this is part of my problem. MY H has a picture in his mind of who she is and I DON'T. I HATE IT!!!!!!! I know there has been NC. I know he doesn't spend time thinking about her, but the memory is there nevertheless and I can never actually KNOW that memory.

I want to drive past her house or stand outside and watch her go into work or call her on the phone and pretend to be someone else. I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS!!!! But I am still obsessed and I want so much to stop thinking about her.

I feel as if I just need more and more information to be sure that I can protect myself. It's almost like I am afraid to stop thinking about her. I know this is faulty thinking, but here I am....

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Has anyone been where I am now at this point? I really feel like a crazy person.

Calling out,
WH2LE

It takes TIME. I was like that, too..especially only ONE YEAR out..I thought I would NEVER stop being OBSESSED with her.

I SELDOM think of her NOW.

It took TIME. The OBSESSION was a MAJOR PROBLEM with me that needed to be HEALED.

She still HAUNTS me though for similar reasons that you describe.

She's an BIG UNKNOWN...always THERE in the marriage..for me..

BUT, the GOOD NEWS is I really don't think my husband thinks about her much at all and if he does it is NOT kindly or lovingly...

THE ANSWER is to FOCUS on YOURSELF..being the BEST that YOU CAN BE..PERSONAL RECOVERY...

I was obsessed with seeing what the OM looked like as well. I finally saw a picture and then met him face when I threw his ugly [censored] out of my house and when I say ugly that is no lie.

My FWW is very Hot for a grandma of six and compared to him I am 007.

Go figure

Mimi is right, it does take time. I think it is a natural reaction to be obsessed about some stranger who knifed you in the back. She harmed you just like your H did. My God, this woman had an affair with your H; it doesn't get too much worse than that. Its not like her hands are clean, they are covered in your blood too. The responsibility for the affair lies with her too. Your H did not have an affair alone.

Yep..we've all been there. You are not crazy, unless we are too and that may be so for me!!! I'm only about 120 days into recovery since H decided he wanted to keep his marriage, and I am in the same boat. I don't know what this OW looks like and it drives me crazy some days!! I have spoken to her on the phone and told her to back off and leave H alone, and I scared the heck out of her so she's never phoned him since, but I still get to thinking: "What does she look like? What if she shows up on my doorstep and I don't know who she is?" H swears she doesn't know what I look like either and I should be happy with that, but he carries our family pics in his wallet and it isn't that hard to look thru a man's wallet. I do know where she lives and works, but it's harder because of the 55 mile distance between our households. It's kind of tough to run there and stake out when I have to pick up kids from school or be at work.

H has argued thru this A that the whole responsibility was his and that OW had no part in this. He claimed she was a nice person who fell for his advances and she should not be held responsible. He was very irate with me when I phoned her because he's always trying to protect her and says she's lonely and afraid (his words) but I gave her the blame also. When she begged my compassion to her pain because H picked our marriage over her..I asked her straight out: "WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? YOU SCREWED A MARRIED MAN AND HE REFUSED TO MAKE A COMMITMENT FOR MONTHS." He never planned on making a future with her altho she sure tried to make it happen. I also informed her: "Sorry sister...he's my H, not yours!" She was not the innocent thru this because she advertised on the same sex site H did and has had more experience there. She confessed to H she's been on that site for a couple of years but never found the love she had with H. For some reason, H just doesn't get it that there's something wrong with a woman who uses that sex site regularly. He argued she was too shy for other dating methods, but I question someone who meets strange men online and then has them all come to her home for their funny business.

Anyway..back to topic. You are not alone. I guess we have to deal with those demons the best way we can. I did find info online but no pics so that didn't help. Good luck on your search.

I guess we are all pretty much in the same boat. We are eleven months into recovery and i still find myself obsessing about what she looks like and what she "had" that I don't. I truly believe that my FWH does not give her a thought unless we are dealing with a day when my choice to obsess is bringing me down. I have even considered texting her from FWH work cell and setting up a meeting pretending to be him. Just a fantasy for sure but still in my mind.
It's funny but the most healing thing FWH has said to me since this whole nightmare began was that he did not care if I googled her and went after her with a chainsaw as long as I did not get into any trouble.

WH2LE, I have no words of wisdom for you because I'm in no way as far down the road as you are. All I can say is that I understand the obsession with OW. I posted that I'm in full hatred mode of the OW in my case, so I'm definitely not one who has experience getting through this.

I do know that you are so strong and that you have weathered much worse than having the OW invade your thoughts so far into R. I think the switch will flip one day soon and you'll be done with this. Maybe it will help to focus on the progress in your R and the good things you now have with your FWH.

I've been trying to deal with thoughts of OW by reminding myself of how unimportant she really is and what a black hole her life is. I also think of the many areas in my own life where I'm successful and accomplished. When I compare what I know about OW to me, she can in no way measure up to me. I know for a fact that this is true in your case, too.

You deserve to not have this hanging over your head and I hope it will go away (or at least get better) soon. It is encouraging to hear others say that it will get better.

I obsessed for a different reason - her unwillingness to let go; her goading us about forgiveness and reconciliation (the scriptural kind); her stalking my husband from one recovery room (12 step program) to the next; her showing up on our doorstep with her family knowing full well Kasey was home alone - she knew that I worked full time and he was self-employed; and all the other behaviors that kept my attention locked on keeping her OUT of our lives and OUT of our marriage.

Oh I obsessed too! It drove me crazy knowing that both OW#1 and OW#2 had seen a picture of our family and I had no idea what they looked like. In both cases, I solved the mystery, but I wouldn't recommend the things I did to get there to anyone. Now those faces are stuck in my memory for all time.

I do it too. I know what she looks like. I found her myspace page. That doesn't help. I too find myself wanting to go to where she lives to see her in real life. My WH said that she found my blog which now everytime I post there it makes me wonder if she still looks to see what is going on with us. I also fear running into her in public. I find myself scanning a parking lot to see if she is there. I hate giving her that power over me. I don't share this with my WH because if he is trying to forget her I don't want to remind him of her. Its horrible. I just hope it will past.

I have mentioned this on another thread, but I finally saw a picture of the OM a few weeks after the A ended. I broke up the A by investigating him and proving to my FWW what a creep he is. I am convinced now that in the long run she would have chosen to stay with me, but I wanted it over the soonest. I knew from statements she made that he was a major creep even though she was unable to see it at the time. I spent almost $1000 to investigate him. I finally located a former girlfriend who informed me that he:

1) Was violent to her
2) Took pictures and video of her and blackmailed her with them after the split
3) Prostituted her and his former wife out and watched behind a curtain masturbating during
4) Lied about all the "cool" things that he was: former state trooper, Air Force chief, drummer, etc.

I could go on but those were the main points. All this time I never saw his face. Even after the A I look him up on Google from time to time. This time I found he had subscribed to a Russian Bride dating service. He had his picture posted and i finally saw him. Funny, except for his nose we have very similar features.

Other similarities are that his middle name is my first name. There is a street that she had to pass to drive to his place that is my first name. She only saw the facade that he put before her. This facade was very much as I am in real life. Funny, loves to have a good time, compassionate. He even, like me, does funny cartoon impersonations. The facade would say so many things that the real me said. It was so frustrating when trying to win her back I would tell her things and her response would be that he says / said the same thing.

The facade and the real me were so similar that she often quipped that in other circumstances we would be great friends. Made me sick. I kept telling her if it was ME she wanted, just stick with ME not go to someone who is like ME. The difference is that the facade was like me, but there was also this bad guy part that women in their silliness find so irresistible. The bottom line is that I comfort myself that it took a complete fabrication and many lies to pull my W away from me for a brief period of time.

I do have moments where I brood about this guy. Posting on these boards helps me not do that so much. Some of you are telling me it becomes obsession at the one year mark. That makes me nervous. I have moments where I think about revenge. I don't want to kill or harm him (not that I haven't thought of both), but the man has NOTHING. He has nothing that can be taken or destroyed. No possessions. No relationships - he has burned almost all his bridges. The only "friend" he has befriended my wife and I and really helped fill in some gaps of information so my wife got through withdrawal much faster. This friend hovers over the guy to secretly help the women he gets involved with because he knows what a monster the guy is.

The only thing that we may have is that the friend claims he looks at child pornography online. We would love to see him go to jail. He once went to jail when he was beating up his former girlfriend and this friend knew one of the cops. He told that the OM cried all weekend in his cell like a little baby. The guy is psycho.

I then thought a big form of revenge would be to write a book about this guys life. Whatever you say about him, he is a fascinating study. The book would be written as fiction under a pen name and change his name. If I made any money off it, I would then send a copy of the book to him in the mail.

Sorry for these long posts for those who read them. I write to both answer others and help myself. As somebody else said, once you start writing it just starts flowing out.

Yep, same here too... I went to the library and looked through yearbooks of the year she graduated to see what she looked like --- which was over 10 years ago. Not 10 years ago I did this, but she graduated 10 years ago.....

I needed something to go on.... something to squash the need to find out - EVERYTHING.

Wanting to put a face to the life that tried to ruin you.... seems pretty normal to me....

As normal as anything can be in this crazy-filled, devastating affair business....

For years I believed that --- what comes around, goes around

not so sure anymore, seems fate and karma are two totally different things out there, not always working in our time frame.



Anyway, you sound totally normal and human to me.....


carnation

WH2LE,

I was completely obsessed with OM for a long time. I would probably still be obsessed with him, except that I know virtually everything about him. I actually have more factual information about him and his family than my W ever had. It's amazing what you can find online and with a little legwork, especially with the help of a few computer-saavy fellow BS's. I keep a thick file on him to this day.

I still want him to die, though. I don't want to go to prison, I just want him to get run over by a bus or something. As horrible as it sounds, if he were to buy the farm through no fault of my own, I would be absolutely ecstatic. I intend to live long enough to see that day, if he dies from Parkinson's at age 85. I will get at least one day on this Earth without him.

Yeah, I'd say the obsession is normal.

Krazy71,

Like you I know EVERYTHING about the OM. Here's one: his father tolerated his mother's affairs. She even brought her men home. The OM and his father are sitting down to eat dinner. The mother brings in a man and they go to the bedroom. Both hear what is going on in the room next door. No wonder the OM is such a F-Up. However, I still have no pity on him and like you look forward to hearing the news that he is dead. He is making enough enemies. Maybe someone else will do him. He is 9 years older than me, so statistically speaking, I will live to see his demise.

i can totally totally relate 110%!! as with everyone else...i've tried my own investigations. the only thing i had to go off by in the beginning was her cell no. i tried searching it on the internet, did those phone detective searches, myspaced it, did any search that i could possibly think of...came up with nothing. of course, WH doesn't know that i've done these things. only recently have i gotten a name from WH...all he could tell me was a first name...between one of two actually (yes, i know, so bogus). he claims he never actually referred to her by her name (yah, sure). i'm trying to make my breakthrough...working slowly for him to reveal all the details that i need. i absolutely need for him to reveal who she is for me to fully put this to rest...because it is driving me nutts! i don't want to obsess over her...because for her to be attracted and drawn to his shallow, low life behavior throughout their A, she obviously is shallow and low life herself. the thing is, it's just the feeling of the advantage she has over you...because here she is knowing all these intimate details about your life, and you barely know anything at all about hers. my constant wonder is, what was it that enticed him, that caused his addiction towards her. i know it's been said that it's the whole feeling of the A, the excitement...but why her, what was it that drew him to her.

there is so much i feel i could have done...psychotic and maybe illegal things (we all know and thought about it)...if it was only so easy to stoop to that level. at least we have that form of self control (*hint*). i also have the urge at times to contact her. i kept trying, in the beginning, just to confront her straight on. she was too chicken sh*t to answer her phone. it's funny, because she had all the b*lls to sneak around with a married man...but no b*lls to confront his wife. i left a message...it was straight to the point, i remained calm, but firm...all i can say is that i involved the words karma, morals, and messing with my family. i'm hoping that it was enough to convict the cr*p out of her.

oh, the things we must cope with...

It's funny but I have no animosity toward OW. I almost feel sorry for her. FWH does not like to talk about her (of course) but he has told me that meeting her was the worst thing that has ever happened to him in his life, he had no feelings for her and she knew that. Sad that she was willing to risk her family for a pathetic situation like that.
I still have an almost unnatural, morbid curiosity about her. Today for the first time ever (in almost a year mind you)I *67ed her and listened to her say, "Hello, hello, hello."
Wierd, huh? Oops! I forgot, you all feel like that. That's why I feel so compelled to come here. It is the only place I feel normal anymore.
Say

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. It is amazing how just KNOWING that you are "not the only one" helps.

I read here EVERY day so I KNEW I wasn't alone, but I have just felt so overwhelmed by this lately. Yesterday when I spent 3 hours on the computer searching for ANYTHING, I KNEW I needed encouragement(or to be institutionalized).

I must say that I am amazed at what CAN be found. I know her neighbor's names. I actually found the mortgage for her son's house (where she lives also). All public information that I did not have to pay for.

But alas, also grossly unsatisfying. I think that what I am really looking for just can't be had. I JUST WANT IT NOT TO HAVE HAPPENED!!! My heart just seems to feel that if I could get enough info that I will have control of the situation and that SHE will not have any part of ME. Sigh.

I will take all the advice here though and know that maybe...in time....she will just fade back into the abyss she came from and I won't be so obsessed.

MelodyLane, when you reminded me that the other woman has my blood on her hands too, I actually burst into tears. It was an odd relief to be able to feel some hatred for her. There are many times when I have realized that this was a woman who wished me not only ill, but wished I was dead. I have even told my H how much I HATE it that he brought someone into my life who hated me so. But somehow, your words made it real to me and helped me admit that I actually do have some outright hatred for her. Seems strange that would make me feel better, but I think it's just a case of "Know ye the truth..." I will accept that truth and let God deal with me about it.

KLD, you know how dear you are to my heart and I think all your words are wise. I am praying daily for you and your H. You know, my feelings of obsession now are different than they were at the beginning. At that point, I was more afraid. Afraid that she would show up somewhere, afraid that her son would beat my husband to a pulp(although at the time, I was sorting of hoping for that. God forgive me.), afraid that her daughters would confront me at work(I have a VERY public job). NOW is the time when I also would not be unhappy to read her obituary. KLD, I think you may be way ahead of me in this process.

There is a VERY GOOD thing that happened last night though. My H came upon me crying after I read some responses and asked me what was wrong. I told him everything, how I was obsessed and had been on the computer and then I posted and.... HE WAS QUITE WONDERFUL!!!!!! He held me and told me over and over how sorry he was and was never defensive and tried to think of some little thing he might have forgotten to tell me so that I would have more information. It felt very much like the legendary "JUST COMPENSATION". I keep playing it over in my mind because it felt so real and genuine and was truly the balm my soul needed. Even a few months ago, I don't think this would have happened like this.

For today, I am treasuring this.

I could not get through this without MB.

Obsessively yours,
WH2LE

WH2LE - I'm so glad your H saw you crying. Not that I'm happy you were crying and that something upset you enough to make you cry, but that he came along when you were. It gave him a chance to comfort you and be the man you need and want. I am so happy that he took the opportunity and did exactly what he should have and what you needed. Okay, I'm also a little jealous, but happy for you just the same!! LOL

This OW thing has been such a stumbling block for me. I feel such deep hatred for the tramp who broke into my M (granted, WH left the door unlocked, but...) and it's something I'm not used to feeling. I think you are kind of there, too - the not being used to having such bad feelings about another person.

Those who say that they feel sorry for OW - I can't get there. I doubt that I will ever get there. Maybe some OW are naive or stupid and don't realize that they're being played, but I don't believe that's the case most of the time. I agree with ML - the WS doesn't cheat alone and the OP is as much to blame.. I almost cried when I read her post, too, because it hit home for me. I felt such comfort that someone thought it was reasonable to blame OP for the A along with the WS.

Each of us has to get through this in different ways. I know that MB has a script and a path that is proven, but all situations aren't exactly the same and we have to adjust sometimes. If finding out more about her will help, then do it. If all it does is keep you wound up, then maybe another route might be better. The good news for you is that your H is truly committed to your M and invested in you. He clearly is no longer interested in the OW and that is part of his past not his present. How can you focus on this good news and count the blessings you have today?



P.S. I found a website that specializes in revenge against cheating spouses. I figure I could use it against OW, but I don't think I have the guts for that. I also doubt that it would give me the satisfaction I crave. So, you're not the only one using the internet for info... only I was being ugly, not trying to find data on OW that could possibly help in recovery. In my case, the data I do have drives me to daydream about that revenge!!!

BIG OOPS! LOL
I was again searching for info on H's OW and because he'd done much of his funny business thru Yahoo and they had used Messenger regularly, I was trying to figure out how to get it to work on my acct. Now, let me tell you I had OW's Yahoo email addy recorded on my contact list so that if she kept contacting H I would have it to tell her to back off. Well....I finally figured out how to get the Messenger to work and the first thing it did was send all the people on the contact list, an email asking them to "be my friend". OOPS! She Im'd me asking why I was contacting her and I wrote: "Sorry didn't want to do that!" Today I get this email: "Leave me alone. You know everything and there are no secrets any longer and I have lost everything!" HAH! Boy, do I feel good today!!

Interesting and timely. I was out on a nice motorcycle ride yesterday and the OM's street exit was upon me. I took it. I had to see where some of the SF took place. I had to see the dump he lives in to make myself feel better that she really did "affair down". I stopped the bike across from his house, on the public street, and revved the Harley, kind of goading him to come out (stupid, I know). He didn't come out, but I took note of the car parked in his driveway.

In the spirit of Radical Honesty, I told my FWW about what I had done and about his car in the driveway. Turns out it wasn't his car apparently. She understands that by going to his house, it was sort of cathartic for me, but in her words it's like establishing contact again by proxy for her. She's kind of back into a withdrawal state today wondering about who's car was in the driveway. Not surprising really since my wife was just another link in his chain of women he feels he needs to be intimate with.

Not really a point here other than to say that I guess the obsession is normal. However, I never really thought of the consequence it is having on her, by trying to make myself feel better.