Hi. I will try to make this as short as possible. In short, after several years of constant bickering, three different therapists and two kids later, I left my husband. What happened was we were planning on separating in the summer but our landlady came and told us we had to be out in April because she was moving back in so we moved out April 1st and went separate ways.

I've been a stat at home mom since 2005 and my kids are 1 and 3. I've had no income. My husband is an alcoholic but will not admit it. It seems he is in one of his periods of not drinking as much at this time, but I'm never sure how long that will or won't last. He blames me for having been drunk throughout most of our marriage saying I nagged him so much about his drinking that he rebelled and drank more.

I went and stayed with my brother for two weeks when I moved out and now I'm renting for two weeks with...OUR OLD LANDLADY of all people.

My father is about 1200 miles away in MN and said I should come stay with him till I get on my feet. In about 6 months, he'd expect me to begin to contribute rent and utilities, etc.

I live in Georgia right now and so does my husband. I moved here with him last year because he hated his job in California, so we moved 2200 miles so he can hate his job here. He voluntarily quit his job which was $48k a year with full benefits for all of us and does not have anything else lined up. he doesn't know where he wants to live or work. He says he may go to some school in MN and will work part time making about 15k a year and that program is 2 years long.

He proposed giving me $400 a month. I feel that isn't much considering when I go back to work, the kids will need daycare. He proposed giving me like $12k out of his savings if I'd just leave this all alone (the child support issue). He wants an uncontested easy and cheap divorce.

i'd like to have an uncontested divorce but I just don't agree with what he's doing. He agreed I could stay at home with baby till she was 2-2 and 1/2 and she's only 1. Now we're divorcing and he expects me to just go right back to work and start supporting myself and the kids right away.

He won't go to AA since he's not an alcoholic (according to him). We have a verbal agreement that he won't drink when he is the only caretaker during visitations. but, he's an alcoholic and probably can't stick to that if it's just a verbal agreement.

i'll tell you right now, I was so scared to leave him fearing he'd retaliate and try to take custody or refuse to sign papers or whatever. i left. but now I'm so scared to go in and try to force him to pay more than he wants.

He's even said he'd stay home and take care of them and not work while I go back to work...

But we're divorcing so I don't see that as an option.

Please read this email correspondence between us and tell me what you think... THANKS!!!!





ME: Just so we're clear, I was thinking about what you said the other day and us going to MN. I'm trying to figure out how long we should stay there, etc. You want us to stay at least 6 months so you can have time to figure out where you're going to work, yes?


HIM: I thought thats what we agreed on and i think its a good idea



ME: And you don't know if you're going to that program in MN still?


HIM: Right im not sure yet



ME: And you're not sure if you will get a job here in GA?



HIM: Right im not sure



ME: I've told you that I'm more than happy to reside in GA after visiting my dad this summer. You've mentioned moving to other states like AZ, CA and CO, have you actually looked into jobs there or were you just mentioning these off the top of your head.


HIM:Ive looked at companies who had openings in different states but i didnt seriously look into them, just options, im in a very confused state

ME: Have you already resigned from your job?


HIM: Yes effective 5/28


ME: And our benefits are until September 30th, so you're saying we should wait to divorce till after that time?


HIM: Yes it might be best because you will be insured and i will have a better idea on what new job i will have to base child support on.


ME: Then what? Are you thinking I'm on my own regarding benefits?


HIM: I think so. I think we should split the kids medical only and we pay for our own insurance


ME: Also, I FEEL we should get some kind of family consultant lawyer to help us compromise about everything since it doesn't seem we really agree on child support, medical expenses, the alcohol issue, etc. Someone who could be a third party to sit down with us and work some compromises out. Neither one of us know the law very well, and it would be beneficial for us to have someone who could really get in there and help us out. Even if it's going to cost us a little more money, I think it's worth it to get someone who knows the law and knows how to help couples compromise. I could look up some names.



HIM: Child support is based on our income there is an excel sheet. The lawyer said that i we need to include your income or projected monthly income to figure out child support. If you are not concerned about the insurance we could start the divorce in may if you like it takes 30 days. I received an email i can forward you from a lawyer on what is needed to do a uncontested divorce. I have also heard that the judge can change what ever they want so it might be beneficial for you to show some type of income that shows you can support the kids. Just a thought not threateining or anything. Gotta go .



ME: Please let me know about all this stuff because I really need to make plans for the next year. I need to know where I'm going to live, work, etc.

I would see an attorney and get the child support established at his current salary. He sounds like he is going to try avoiding paying. When they move from state to state, it is a real nightmare. I never got a dime out of my 2 sons' father. He just moved to a different state each time I got an order.

Ditto what believer said. I would start the divorce procedure (or legal separation) now with your own attorney, and get the child support established in GA based on his current income.

Sure you'll have to work but it sounds like he's trying to minimize his own obligation by telling you YOU have to report what you will be making. Child support is based on current stats, and if current is unclear, courts review the previous year's tax return to establish an amount.

I mentioned legal separation as an option, because it is true...health ins companies drop the ex-spouse immediately upon divorce date, regardless of any agreement between the couple to extend it. You need to talk to an attorney, your OWN attorney....

In my state, PA, child support is based on your earning potential. So, if in the past, you've had a $48,000 job, the court will assume you can get another job in a similar category, and assign child support accordingly. If you take a $26,000 job, tough. YOu still have to pay child support based on the $48,000.

The same will hold true for you unless you can establish that you need to be at home with the kids or you have an established pattern of that. Unfortunately, 3 years may not be enough. This is why you need a lawyer to help you out.

Also, you can get child care written into the child support.

As for where to live... Fathers are really important for children, and younger children need to see their fathers more frequently, like daily I read.

HOWEVER, if your husband is going to be a complete and total flake, never see the kids, or run off to various different states regardless of where you and the kids live, then you need to seriously consider your father's offer. Does his offer include taking on some of the parental responsiblity like watching the children when you can't?

I am also from PA and when we initially went for child support I didn't have a job and they figured my wages at minimum wage 40 hours a week as my potential earning and then they took his wages and my potential wages and calculated what percentage he would have put towards the household expenses and what percentage I would have put towards household expenses as if we were still together and then from there they came up with what i would receive for child support and spousal support.I think ours worked out to be 60% him and 40% me.