Some people in "Just Found Out" told me to repost my story in here for more responses.

I have been given advice to move back into my apartment asap and tell him to move out if that is what he wants. And not to tell him before I do it. I am really scared. Does everyone here think that that is a good idea as well? I want so badly for him to come out of his fog and be my husband again. He is acting like a mad man.

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Hello.

My name is RedBerries, I am 25 years old, married 5 years to my husband. We have no children. I am a college student with a part time job at my school, and he works full time.

On Tuesday, April 14th my husband told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. We have been having problems for some time, and I guess I did not take them seriously enough. I was very upset finding out that he might leave me over them, and that night, we went to his boss' house, to have some sort of counseling. WH's boss and his wife are both Christian, a little older than us, and so I thought they could help. They listened to our problems, and gave us the book HNHN to read. I read it all the next morning, and realized I had alot of things I needed to work on in order to better meet WH's EMs. We did the questionaires, and I began trying my hardest to save the marriage.

My WH was having a close relationship with his new "best friend" that I was uncomfortable with. They would spend so much time together, and IMed each other constantly. My WH has an iphone, so he is able to IM her at any time. I told him I was feeling hurt and did not like their relationship, and he told me to deal with it, he deserved to have friends. The OW is the sister of one of his co-workers. They would all go out to lunch several times per week. During our meeting with WH's boss, they both told him the relationship was inappropriate for a maaried man- and WH said he didn't care, he needed to do something for himself for once. \:\(

After reading HNHN, I began trying my hardest to relearn how to meet my WH's EM. I did not want to believe that WH was actually having a physical affair- I was praying it was an emotional thing. The book kept saying it would lead to physical- all of the signs in the book were there in our marriage plain as day. I told my husband what the books said, and he thought it was "interesting".

In order to prove to myself that he wasn't really having a physical affair, I checked his IM log with OW. It turns out they were- I was so devastated. I called him immediately on his cell phone, he was at the gym with her. He came home and he had a WW3 fight. He said he wanted to be separated to think things over (it is so funny how almost all cheating spouses say the same things...). He said that we had problems for a long time, and the affair had nothing to do with him wanting to leave me...yeah right. I left for a friend's house that night. The next afternoon, I went back to the apartment, and was working on school work. WH came back from rollerskating with OW, and was crying. I guess they decided he needed to work on our marriage. As the book suggested, I made him promise to never talk or see her again. And he fell into severe depression/withdrawals, just like the book said he would.

We had two very good days as I tried to meet his EN's, even though it killed me that he was pining over OW. We were honest with each other, spent time together, cuddled, etc. He said there was an improvement, but he didn't think it would last.

Tuesday while he was at work, he IMed me and told me he made his decision, he did not want to save the marriage. He said one of us had to leave the apartment. Since he has alot of stuff in there, and I didn't want to be around there while I know he was with OW, I decided to move to my mom's house.

I have been here since, this is my third day. This is killing me. I want to IM him, and send him emails and love notes, but I don't think I should be doing that? How do I make him realize he should come back? On Friday, after I found out about the affair, I ordered SAA and FIL,SIL, and thankfully they arrived yesterday. Since EVERYTHING that HNHN said was 100% spot on, I know I can trust SAA too. I have been reading that.

My school/work is in the same city as our apartment, so every day I go to the apartment while WH is at work and bring a load of my things home with me. It kills me with each load, like I am sealing nails in my coffin, and there is no longer any hope for us.

Am I currently in Plan A? Since I am still trying to talk to him? Or Plan B, since we are not living together? I am so confused. I still love him and want our marriage to work. I have revealed the affair to all of my potential allies. He is not happy about that at all. He wants time and space away from me right now, and it is so hard. Right now, the only people he is talking to is the OW, and her sister (his coworker). Pretty much all of our friends, relatives, etc. are on my side right now, and think he has gone insane. This is so out of character for him. This all happened so fast, and I am in a daze. Is there any hope?

Thanks for listening.

Edited by RedBerries (04/24/08 07:32 AM)
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D-Day: 4/18/08 :'(

Glad you made your way over here.

I support FH and Believer's advice to you in JFO...specifically to move back home.

I know you have been working on the Carrot of Plan A (meeting EN's, self-improving) but don't forget the Stick in which you do not enable the affair in any way. I am re-posting an excerpt from Mark1952's Manual (hope that's OK).


There is hope. Many here have been in your shoes and are here to help. Hang in there!

RB, have you exposed the affair to your H's parents and the OW's parents? Would your parents be willing to call them for you?

MelodyLane, yes I have exposed to all of our friends and family who knew my "old" husband. His parents were not very happy about it at all, but they do not have a close relationship, so I doubt they will contact him about it.

The OW's sister was very disappointed in both of them when she found out about the affair, but now she and the OW are basically my H's only friends.

Two young guys (18 years old) (my H was their former church youth group leader) know about everything, and they are in shock and don't understand how he could do something like this. They told him that the old H they knew would never do anything like this, and my H agrees.

H's boss left for a vacation two weeks ago, but knew we were having problems with our marriage, we went to them for advice. When he gets back today or this weekend, he will know about the affair as well, as I have called and left a message with him and emailed him about it.

I don't know how to contact OW's parents. I do know that form the beginning, OW's mother did not like my H.

Does it make any different that H doesn't want contact with me, and says it is "over"? Do wayward spouses say that and then change their mind?

Redberries, I see 2 good opportunities here for exposure: the OW's parents and your pastor. I would also call back your H's parents and ASK FOR THEIR ADVICE. Maybe they would be willing to speak to him. But, you need to get the name and phone # of the OW parents and ask your mother to call them. If she doesnt want to, then you will want to call them yourself. We will help you with what to say.

They all say that. Your H has the exact same mentality as a falling down drunk right now. You can take his statements as seriously you would the statements of a falling down drunk.

I have no idea how to contact OW's parents though. I don't know them that well.

I have pretty much decided to move back into the apartment. That home is a life we built together, and it is not fair for him to stay in it and me to have to move. I asked H if he had time to speak with me about things...and he said he was going to be gone all weekend, other than Sunday. :'(

The idea that he is spending the night at OW's house kills me.

I am going to move to stay their tonight, without him there, unless he comes home at some ungodly hour and finds me.

I did expose to the closest Pastor we have...he was one the one who baptised us both and did our pre-marital counseling and married us. Unfortunately, he lives in Florida now. I have been talking to him several times a day though. My H is avoiding people who will not support his actions at this time.

Redberries, have you exposed to your CURRENT PASTOR?

I would find out her parents name and get their #. Start by putting the OW's # in www.peoplefinder.com. Does she live with her parents? You can't give up this easy, RB. This could be a valuable exposure.

Redberries,

Just an aside from the main issue of your post --

In many states, your leaving the marital abode could be construed as desertion (after some period of time), putting you at fault, giving WH grounds for divorce, and placing you at a weakened position for settlement (i.e., no alimony).

You may get around this by contersuing on grounds of adultery, but you said you want the marriage to work, and adultery usually has to be proven with corroborating evidence, which I'm not sure you have at this point.

Some states allow 'constructive desertion' as a grounds for divorce, meaning that WS's conduct was so agregious, that it drove the BS away. But, again, you seem not to be up to "Plan D" yet.

I would thus recommend you return to your home. If he needs the 'space', let him move out. If he decides not to return, and Plan D was the only feasible option, then at least desertion would be easier to prove, and he would be in the weaker settlement positin (i.e., more alimony for you).

You might want to talk to a lawyer.

Is WH's Boss familiar with Marriage Builders? If so he could be a very powerful ally.

H's boss and his wife were the ones who gave me "His Needs, Her Needs". It has been a godsend, and I have read it all, and am currently reading SAA, and I also bought FIL,SIL.

We don't have a current Pastor. At our last church, we had a huge falling out, and haven't gone to a new church since. I am trying to get right with God at the moment, but my H is very disillusioned with church right now.

I do not know OW's phone number. I tried to search her for her family members, and I think I may have found the contact number for OW's mother, but I am not sure if it is her. I could ask OW's sister, who is my "friend" and has been talking to me through this mess, but if I ask about OW's mom, I think she will know something is up and won't tell me anything.

I am thinking of going up to the Women's Center at my school and see if they can give me any pointers as far as attorneys or whatnot. I am also afraid to go back to the apartment, because I cannot afford it alone, my husband makes 80% of our income, I just have a part-time job at my school. My mom is concerned that H won't help with bills, and I won't be able to afford to get along if he moves out.

I wouldn't ask the sister. Will your mother call her? It would be helpful if your mother could call her mother and tell her about the affair and use her influence to persuade her daughter to stop fooling around with a married man. Even better, maybe your parents could visit her parents.

The thing is, I have no idea who OW's mother is. I met her once in passing, but don't know her name or phone number. My mother might be willing to contact her, but I just have no way of knowing how to get her number. I have been looking up OW on peoplefinder.com, but I don't know if the name listed as a relative is the mother or not.

RB, keep looking until you find it. Get the # associated with that name and have your mother call and ask if she is the mother of OW. You can look up #s on www.anywho.com or yellowpages.com.

Here is just a funny update (kind of...).

I know that my H goes to lunch with OW and OW's sister every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My co-workers wanted to go to a place that my H likes to go to today, and so I chose not to go with them just in case.

WELL...it turns out that they went there, and he was there with OW and OW's sister. My one co-worker confronted him in the parking lot after watching them hug good bye and was all like "what in the heck are you doing?!?!? Why are you ho-ing around???" and he just kept saying "ask RedBerries."

I guess OW was really scared and hid in her car. LOL.

Here is my plan so far for this weekend.

Tonight, hang out with friends, go home to mom's house to sleep. H is (I am pretty sure) going to be with OW all tonight and tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow, get all of my daily living stuff tomorrow morning from my mothers house, and bring it back to our apartment. If I see H, I will tell him that I realize that I cannot save this marriage if we are apart, and that I am moving back into our apartment in order to be with him. If I don't see H, then we have planned time on Sunday morning to talk, at our apartment. If he hasn't been home all weekend, I know he will be coming home Sunday morning.

Ok, so I am thinking he will probably freak out and move out as soon as I come back. I don't know what rights I have as far as what I can count on financially. Does he still have to help me pay for the apartment and all of the utilities? I cannot afford them on my own, but should be able to make do for a month or two. I am not going to let his mess ups ruin my life and cause me any more grief than they have to, so I will find a way to make it work for me to stay in our home, with his help or without it.

How do I effectively do plan A if he is not living with me? Do I send him notes, cards, etc. in order to give him affection? Or lay low, sort of like plan b? He requested I give him alot of space right now, so do I go against his wishes with plan a type behavior, or don't? Thanks for your guys' help.

I am also working on trying to get OW's mother's phone number so I can expose to her, per other's suggestions. And I am thinking about contacting OW and letting her know I want her to stay away (even though I don't think it will help, it would establish that I am focused on saving the M, right?)

TIA for your help, RB

BUMP!

I have moved all of my stuff back into the apartment, and H is not here, he spent the night at OW's house last night. My friend and I went out on an intel gathering mission last night, and figured out where OW lives, and H's car was there (blech!!).

So...I am really nervous about when he comes back and sees all of my stuff back here. I am thinking that he is planning on bringing OW and her daughter back here today, becuase he actually tidied the house a bit. I am about to leave to hang out with friends, so if he comes back, I won't be here...but I will probably be getting a call or text message.

Can I please have some support and/or words of encouragement? I think he is going to be very mad, and leave, which I know is a good thing...I should not have to leave MY home becuase of his choices...but it is still going to be hard today. If he never comes home today, we have a planned meeting tomorrow morning at 10:00am to talk. I want to start Plan A harcore, and it is going to be really hard...would like advice on how to do Plan A if he moves out. I know where OW lives now, so I feel come control in that aspect, just knowing where she lives.

Good job!!!!!

When he shows up and is angry, you just let him know that you take your marriage vows seriously, and this is one of the "for worse" times.

Hope you will spend the day getting the apartment warm and welcoming.

He wants "space" to continue the affair, and for nothing else. So don't feel guilty for living in your own home.

Now you can work on changing whatever he complained about BEFORE the affair.

If he is angry, don't argue, simply tell him that you are his wife and will do what is necessary to save the marriage.

If you are close to losing it, come here and talk to us. We understand.

Thanks so much Believer. After I go to the dog show, I am going to go home and make the apartment really nice. Hopefully I can finish before he comes home.

I am just curious about how things will go- we made a big "plan" financially of how we would split bills and whatnot. I am trying to contact a lawyer to see if he decides to move out, if he still has to help me pay for the apartment. I can't really afford it on my own, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I can't let unknowns like money and whatever keep me out of my home.

If he brings OW home with him, I have a right to not let her in right? How can I say that without LBing? I am thinking of saying "This is my home too, and I have a right to be here, and I don't feel comfortable having your other friend in our home."

What do you think?