hey all

i posted this another forum and found out later on it should have been here, please read my first 2 posts and any feedback you want to give...


first i want to say thanks in advance for any feedback. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 7 years now. 2 kids, ages 4 & 6, long story short, we got married, bought a house, and had the first child within 4 months, after dating for almost a year when we found out she was pregnant halfway through her freshman year of college. I am 5 years older than her and just had finished my own schooling. We got married and things were tough from the start, but the love never failed us, it always felt right, no matter how tough everything else was. Now she worked for 4 years to help support the family, but we decided she should go finish her degree as she was getting burned out in a factory setting. It was rough financially, but it worked out, she is done in december '08. But along the way, making it all work, our marriage suffered. We didnt take time for each other, myself especially, i let things go when a simple conversation and showing i care would have fixed most of it. I got help and was in therapy for depression, which went really well, and have been on the path to fixing things in the marriage and myself for 2 months now. Thing is, she said she felt disconnected 2 years ago, she still loves me, but its not the same. But, she stayed through all the hard times, and watched me muddle my way through getting help and making some positive life changes. And she is still there, but the magic is gone, and i dont know how to get it back, we are starting to do things together again, laughing and talking, sex-life is sporadic, but few hugs, and no real kisses. My question to you all is, is time going to be all it takes to bring this back? I think there are stages of marriage, its not always shiny and new, and i am scared as hell that she wont see that, she wants the deep soulmate fuzzy warm feeling. We love each other, and are trying to get it back, but it took 2 years of neglect to get this way. I am doing all i can to show her in every way i can, that she means more than anything to me, and she is still there, can the magic spark come back?

Just a follow up for you all, last night i confronted my wife about having an emotional affair. I will be the first to admit that it started innocently with a mutual friend from an on-line game we both play. I have watched their relationship grow while ours suffered, from my depression and not learning what she really needed from me, and her spending almost all her free time talking with this other man. I mentioned it to her, and she didnt deny it, i dont think its progressed to a point of no return, but i do want her to choose between him and myself. She said she has no energy left for me, i told her thats because all her emotional energy goes into her other relationship, not ours. She seemed to realize that to some extent and never turned on her cpu and sat and talked and watched a movie with me all night long. But she said she still wants to talk with the other guy, and i want it done with. I think they moved past the "friends stage", and dont think it will stay platonic. it got to the point where he texts her or IM's her every hour or so when we are out on a date or running errands for crying out loud. Somebody please give me some input here, do i draw the line and hold it? I am making some changes in my life and am making every effort to give her what she needs, and until she stops getting it from him she wont take it from me...i just want to move forward together, but she needs to move past him...how do i make her do that?

to give more info, things were hectic but great the first 3-4 years, then they started to slip, a lot of that was my fault, thinking it would go away. I was cheated on by my last GF before i was married and never got over it before i met my wife, so i had some trust issues that were never dealt with, will i went to therapy this spring, its on a list of things i am working on to better myself. Along with learning to truly listen to what she needs and wants to keep her tank full. Its not perfect, but i am trying like hell, and she is still there, and said every time i get close...i drop the ball, and she wonders if i will ever get there, and i want her to let me be the one to fill her emotional needs, not the OM. He is single, well educated, funny, nice, and a mutual friend. He also lives hundreds of miles away, so i dont fear a physical relationship, but its hurting my marriag...help plz

Welcome to MB Northwoods. I wish you did not have to be here. Please read everything you can find on this site. I wish I had found it as soon after D-day as you did. Get the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Read other people's threads. Learn from there mistakes. Educate yourself on a situation that you never wanted to be in. Search the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A.
Other more experienced posters will be along soon to help you. We have all been where you are now and we all got through it, one way or the other. Remember in Plan A you are working on you with no expectations. Whatever happens, you will still have an improved you.
Melody Lane (one of the best posters) wanted you to move your thread to the General Questions Forum. When you click on Forum list you can actually see how many people are visiting each site. GQ gets the most traffic,
My FWH and I are in month eleven of a pretty darn successful recovery. You will be in my prayers
Say

Northwoods,

The affair will not end until contact is broken. Please go and read Harley's articles on this site and consider obtaining his book Surviving an Affair. Your W is having an emotional affair and step one is see if she will end it.

She will have to go no contact. It won't be easy because it is like a drug addiction. I would strongly suggest she quit playing on-line games. She is going to college, she has children, and she has a marriage that needs her attention. That should keep her pretty busy.

I would also encourage you to post on General Questions II section as it is busier. However, weekends are usually pretty slow, so don't panic. Take the time to do the reading on this site. It will help you to develop a plan to address this affair and subsequently your marriage. Read about plan A and B, read about needs and meeting them, read a lot about love busters, and read Harley's four rules for a good marriage. You will also find a lot of good information in his Q&A section.

Hang in there. You can beat this thing, but it will take time and patience.

God Bless,

JL

Northwoods I'm sorry you find yourself here. Do as JustLearning & Melodylane (on your other post)suggested, read everything here you can. Dr. Harley has wonderful advice and plan.

I would also like to suggest another book for you and your W, it's The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is very similar to Dr. Harley's plan. In his book Mr. Chapman explains how the 'warm fuzzies' are the initial feelings of love BUT how folks CAN keep that loving feeling. My H related more with this book then HNHN.

Recovering your M is a long term committment. It will NOT happen overnight EVEN if your W agrees to try. NC MUST be established for recovery to happen.

My H also had an EA. He didn't think it was an A just friends. Well that was Bullsh$t after my seeing his emails, IM's, etc to OW. One doesn't talk & plan for sexual excursions with friends and keep it hidden from spouse. It took exposing those to get him to realize exactly what he was doing. And even with exposing it still took awhile for him to truly be remorseful.

Let us know if you have questions, concerns, or jsut need to vent. And hold on this ride can get wild!

In my thoughts & prayers! (((Northwoods)))