Let me tell you my story. I found out right after we came back from our Hawaiian trip. I too found emails they met the next day & had sex in the location where they work, (actually a trailer), needless to say it was very explicit email down to the detail. They both work(ed) together, and they saw each other everyday. He promised me, it was over and that he was sorry (well that was a lie). That was Oct 5, 2007. They kept on seeing each other and talking. As per Dr. Harley the best thing was for him to leave his job all contact has to stop. Well, that didn't happen. Since there was no policy at work, nothing could be done, because it was a personal issue. Anyway I went to his boss and told him of the affair. That did nothing. As for her, she has no heart. I too called her husband and told him of the affair. Needless to say, nothing came of that. All she told me was, "Tu-Tu-Lu, thanks for speeding up the process.” Let me tell you no one at work could stand her. They all called her a filthy pig. Needless to say she left Jan 31.

On Nov 3, '07 he moved out. His excused to me was because of the fighting. Gee I wonder why. He again told me he was not talking to her only business stuff because they work together and that was over. Again that was a lie. He moved back in right before Thanksgiving. For my birthday and Christmas he gave me nothing and I mean nothing. After he came back home, he was cold, no emotion. He refused to see a counselor. He calls them whacko. Well right before Christmas he told me he wanted a divorce and that he is not in love with me, but he will always care for me. Once again he moved out on Feb 1, '08, to a 2-bedroom apartment. That he furnished very nicely. Well within that same week, I found he is still talking to her. Apparently she put a keylogger on his laptop that he bought from her and I found it, got a password recovery, changed stuff and switched it to me. Only to find that they are still talking. He also set up several online dating sites, met women there, bought a webcam and did cyber sex.
According to him it was something to do and that it meant nothing and also he is living alone and that we are separated. What a guy, huh. He tells me he is a different person, (oh really). I no longer have access to the keylogger.

We have been married for 21 years and have 2 children, 17y, & 14y boys. Honestly over the years he was never a good husband. I am not perfect but the one thing I can say. I made sure my family is taking care of. I will do whatever it takes to protect my family and what I believe in. I was always there. Never went anywhere and did nothing, always at home. Everything I did was with my family and for my family. I always tried to take care of myself as best as I can. I never looked like a slob, my children never did also, even him. I kept the house as best as I could. As for emotional needs I severely lacked it because of all the lies he has done to me over the years. This is his 2nd affair according to him. I don't know. I have no proof.

This is my story now. For the past 3 weeks he has been begging me to take him back, and that he is a different person. I told him, trust is earned and I need that. I belittled myself and was with him on Sat night. He again told me, he is not talking to her and that he is so sorry for hurting me. As for her, let me tell you she was and still is constantly calling me, telling me, we will be divorced soon and that they will be together. What ticks me off, is that he knows what she was/is doing to me and he did and still has done nothing about it. He told me he is sorry for not having any regards for my feeling and not protecting me.

When I was there on Sat night I needed that proof so I went to his latest phone bills only to find out that he is still talking to her (a lot). I could not go into his laptop, because it was password protected. He told me, he was going to tell me and that I would not understand. According to him, he was only talking to her because it was somebody to talk to and that he will talk to anyone that will talk to him, because he does not like being alone and it was somebody to talk to. In other words he kept on talking to the person he had sex with and because of that broke our marriage, tormented me, to a point of a nervous breakdown. Some regards and respect for me.

Honestly I was once again so hurt and ripped and so ticked. I told him I was going to call her husband and tell him the affair is not over. (Now get this) he told me if I did that and if he kicks her out, guess who she will call, guess where she will be staying, because he would do that to anyone. If I call him and that would of happened it would be my fault that bought them together. I honestly wanted to slap him. How can anyone be so vicious and horrible and cold. Now all he does is pinning this on me. He keeps telling me, he wants to come home and make up and I want to destroy the family.

I don't know your situation, but they work together and you cannot be his pawn for him to abuse and belittle you. You deserve regards and respect.

As for me, I don't know what I am going to do. Yes, I still love him very much. In spite of his HORRORS to me, he is the love of my life. But he needs to prove so much to me before I can take him back.
I too am so emotionally tormented. I only wish I could flick a switch and forget him. I have yet not seen any emotion from him.

How can a person be so viciously cruel. Why does the cheating spouse protect the other useless person. How can they look at you and viciously lie.

I know, my family tells me all the time. I have taken too much of abuse from him.

Take care ~ Cary

Cary - I posted this on your own thread so as not to get mixed up with the others. My best advice is to start in Plan A where you show him what a great wife you can be. Also be sure to expose the affair to her husband. Forget your husband's threats. The affair must end before your marriage can be saved.

Hi believer,

Thank you. I did call her husband and he acted very cold to me, carrying a conversation as if it was a no big deal. In the matter of fact I spoke to him twice. Apparently that didn't matter to her. I am telling you she is a pig. The mistress who is calling me tormenting me over and over with no care. My son heard her on the phone calling a 'psycho B... and that I was never going to win and he will leave and divorce me and be with her'.

I was constantly telling him to tell her not to call me. He didn't believe me. He actually thought I was making this up to make her look bad. Until my son told him what he heard. Yet he did nothing about it. He still has not done anything about it.

With so much horrors that was done to me. How can this be saved?
He tells me he wants to come home, yet he is still talking to her. His excuse is she will talk to him. How pathetic is that. What kind of person continues to hurt a spouse so viciously when that is the person you are suppose to protect.

How can someone be so cruel!
After everything that he has done to me. Honestly and logically I should tell him to go and fly a kite. He will find out what type of person she really is. Honestly I think he knows what type of person she is, but he doesn't care.
I have wasted almost 22 years with someone with a cold heart.

Thanks for listening.
C.

Start your Plan A and stick to it for about 2 months. Work on anything he complained about BEFORE the affair.

She sounds like a witch. I suggest you get a Radio-Shack recorder to put on your phone, so next time she spouts off, you can tape her. But he still will probably defend her - that is just what waywards do.

Keep reading and posting here so that you can get support. You might try posting on General Questions, since there is much more traffic there.

In the meantime, consider him just like a drug addict. Don't be surprised by how low he may go.

But the good news is, affairs almost always end, and then he will get back to being himself.

Hi and Thanks,

I have been sitting here just in a daze, weighing things out.

Its like a to do list.
Does he love me. he says he does.
Does have any regards for me. no
Does he have any respect for me. no
Does he have any integrity. no
Does he have any morals. no
Does he have any values. no
Has he shown any care for me. no
Does he do anything with his children. no
Does he take care of himself no
Does he want to stop drinking. no
Has he stopped manipulating me. no
Has he stopped downgrading me. no
Has he stopped lying to me. no
Has he stopped talking to her. no
Has he stopped talking to other women. no
Has he done cyber-sex. yes
Has he stopped cyber-sex. ??
Has he giving me any of his new emails. no
Has he giving me access to his laptop. no
Has he done any improvement. no
Has he proved anything. no

So why am I torturing myself??

Caryinpa - Everything on you list is very typical of a wayward spouse. But once the affair is over, they change back to however they were BEFORE the affair.

Was your husband a good husband and father before the affair?

Hi and thank you for responding.

The answer to your question is honestly 'NO'. He never did anything special with the kids while they were growing up. No playing ball, no taking them out, no memory of any kind that the children can say about their father.

As for me, that is a 'NO also'. He also degraded me all the time. It seems as if everything was my fault. There also was physical abuse in the past. Even though he has not done that in several years now. Now its all verbal abuse and a ton of lies.
I was not there for him. I did not appreciated him. I fight unfair. All he did is lie to me for one reason or another all the time for 22 years. A lot was lost even then. But he didn't get that all the fight was caused by his lies to me and the family. Even now he is still lying to me. How much does a person have to take. How much forgiveness does a person have to do and accept.

Is there any possibility of him ever changing. When he has done so much over the years, especially now. He left me with nothing. No car, no money, nothing. He blames me for embarrassing him at his job. He blames me for telling his mother of what he done. He doesn't get that it was him that caused it. Now his mother does not talk to me at all (and we were very close) and does not see the kids. He broke that up. I called his mother in Feb to tell her happy birthday. She did not answer, yet she called him and told him she does not want to hear from me. She doesn't care what he did. According to her its not of her business. If my son did that to his family when he gets married and have his children, I'd be all over him, and he (they) knows it. Family to me is very important, and I will do whatever it takes to make it better. But as for him, the meaning of family, honestly I don't know. He has been a lier all his life. His mother raised and praised perfection and all she got was failure.
Is it true, 'One a lier always a lier, Once a cheater always a Cheater'. Honestly this is his 2nd affair. The 1st affair was never resolved to a point just put under the carpet. I put on blind-folds. But he did not leave. That affair lasted several-several months not exactly sure. Maybe close to a year.

I think its time for me to move on and finally find someone that will treat me with respect in every direction. Because I deserve to be happy. I honestly have forgotten to smile. He never gave me that. I feel so bad for my children to see and have seen what their father is.
How do you correct that and make sure they grow up being respectful human being.

Thanks,
Cary

Hi believer and everyone else out there,

PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!! BADLY....

They are still speaking. To me the affair is still going, physical or not.
You have no idea how badly I want to call her husband and tell him the affair is not over. To check the her emails and her phone records.
But according to him, he is very nasty. I really do not honestly know. I only know what he tells me. I never seen nor have I heard anything from anyone else, that he is nasty one way or another... For all I know he is lying there again, for me not to call her husband and tell him. Who knows. She is a pig with no respect and with a very filthy mouth.

Should I call her husband. My dilemma is, if I call her husband and he kicks her out. According to my pathetic husband, she will call him and she will most likely move in with him. And that it will be my fault if they end up together. And that I have to live with that.

How much of a low life person is he. He really is that vicious of a person that has no regards for me and yet he wants to come back home. He has begged me to take him back, because he wants to come back home, because he does not like being alone.

Cary,
If you have reason to believe that the affair is still ongoing, then you absolutely should call OW's husband. You can be almost positive that your husband's description of the man is a lie, designed to manipulate you into keeping quiet. And so what if he is nasty? Just call him and tell him that the affair is still going on and tell him how you know. If he gets nasty, just hang up as he obviously will be of no help.

Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. He sounds like he never takes responsibility for his own actions. Have you read the book "Love Must Be Tough"? I think it addresses some issues that you are grappling with here. Basically, the decision is yours about how much more you will take from this man. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him that he is done manipulating, controlling, and abusing you. But you need to take measures to protect yourself!! If he physically abused you in the past and continues to emotionally abuse you, he will NOT like losing control of you as you assert yourself. It may even be likely that he tries to physically abuse you again. It sounds like he is living outside the home now, so make sure you change the locks and protect your kids. If he EVER touches you again, you need to immediately report him and get his butt thrown in jail for a night or two.

Expose the affair AGAIN to her husband. Stay calm. You might want to get a restraining order if you think your husband will be abusive.

Sorry his mom is no help, but that is fairly typical.

Do you work outside of the home? Sounds like you need to consult an attorney to protect the family finances. Your husband has an obligation to provide for his family. Many WS's blow all of their money on the affair partner.

According to my 'X. He will be nasty to his pathetic wife. And it will be my responsibility if I contribute this nastyness.
I know he is still protecting her. Otherwise he wouldn't care. I told him to call her husband and for her husband to tell his pathetic wife not to call me anymore and for her not to call my X.
Well as usual he refused. He says he is not going to call anyone to contribute any problems. And that I once again am taking this (our problem) outside the our marriage.

Am I bieng a moran or something.
I'm a classic 'Battered wife syndrome'.
How stupid can I possibly be.

I am sure he will tell her, that I want to call her husband. My X has pretty much told her a lot of me, if not everything.
That is tool for her and boy does she uses it. She has him controlled and the stupid fool knows it and doesn't care.

As my family puts it. You have lost all self-esteem and he is still controlling you.

Thanks Cary
PS: If I call him and if anything happens could I be charged with anything.
I cannot afford an attorney and I don't know who to talk to.

After all of these questions that you ask yourself there is 1 missing, after all from what I've read that this man has put you and your children through in better days.

that question is... Is he worth the effort to try to save the marriage?

Verbal abuse is abuse and still leaves scars.
You tried to talk to her husband and he didn't seem to care, I'm sorry if I am being negative but In order for things to change he is going to want to change and it don't seem to be the case.

You need to focus on what's best for you and your children and stop playing his game.

See a women's shelter organization or go to your courthouse to find out about legal help.

And the adulteress has all of the responsiblity for her choices and actions - NONE of it is yours. Don't protect her in keeping it a secret. She wants to destroy your family.

Hi & thank you.
Your question is so true. NO he is not worth trying to save my marriage.
I feel that I have spend 20+ years with someone that I don't know who he is... A complete stranger.

I have tried in so many ways that I have belittled myself, and for what, so I can continue to be tortured by him and his stupid heartless affair.

In your statement that I need to focus on myself and I need to stop playing his game, because that is all that it is a pathetic game to him. Even though he says that I am the one who is playing the game.

He has not taken any responsibility to what he has done and I don't think he will ever do that. According to him, he doesn't know what to do and he wants me to tell him what to do. Yet he has done nothing but continue with his heartless behavior.

I need to wake up and take care of me!!! and my family!!!

I only wish there is a switch so I can hate/forget him to what he has done.

Time for me and time to heal...
Thanks
C.

Thanks believer,
She did destroy my family. She made sure of that. She had him so far up her a#@. That he totally lost himself and for what, to a low life trailer trash heartless pig...lol...

Maybe she did me a favor. I go rid of garbage.
How ironic my head tells me one thing but my heart says another.
Thanks
C.