hey all
first i want to say thanks in advance for any feedback. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 7 years now. 2 kids, ages 4 & 6, long story short, we got married, bought a house, and had the first child within 4 months, after dating for almost a year when we found out she was pregnant halfway through her freshman year of college. I am 5 years older than her and just had finished my own schooling. We got married and things were tough from the start, but the love never failed us, it always felt right, no matter how tough everything else was. Now she worked for 4 years to help support the family, but we decided she should go finish her degree as she was getting burned out in a factory setting. It was rough financially, but it worked out, she is done in december '08. But along the way, making it all work, our marriage suffered. We didnt take time for each other, myself especially, i let things go when a simple conversation and showing i care would have fixed most of it. I got help and was in therapy for depression, which went really well, and have been on the path to fixing things in the marriage and myself for 2 months now. Thing is, she said she felt disconnected 2 years ago, she still loves me, but its not the same. But, she stayed through all the hard times, and watched me muddle my way through getting help and making some positive life changes. And she is still there, but the magic is gone, and i dont know how to get it back, we are starting to do things together again, laughing and talking, sex-life is sporadic, but few hugs, and no real kisses. My question to you all is, is time going to be all it takes to bring this back? I think there are stages of marriage, its not always shiny and new, and i am scared as hell that she wont see that, she wants the deep soulmate fuzzy warm feeling. We love each other, and are trying to get it back, but it took 2 years of neglect to get this way. I am doing all i can to show her in every way i can, that she means more than anything to me, and she is still there, can the magic spark come back?

Just a follow up for you all, last night i confronted my wife about having an emotional affair. I will be the first to admit that it started innocently with a mutual friend from an on-line game we both play. I have watched their relationship grow while ours suffered, from my depression and not learning what she really needed from me, and her spending almost all her free time talking with this other man. I mentioned it to her, and she didnt deny it, i dont think its progressed to a point of no return, but i do want her to choose between him and myself. She said she has no energy left for me, i told her thats because all her emotional energy goes into her other relationship, not ours. She seemed to realize that to some extent and never turned on her cpu and sat and talked and watched a movie with me all night long. But she said she still wants to talk with the other guy, and i want it done with. I think they moved past the "friends stage", and dont think it will stay platonic. it got to the point where he texts her or IM's her every hour or so when we are out on a date or running errands for crying out loud. Somebody please give me some input here, do i draw the line and hold it? I am making some changes in my life and am making every effort to give her what she needs, and until she stops getting it from him she wont take it from me...i just want to move forward together, but she needs to move past him...how do i make her do that?

Northwood, be assured that her affair is the main reason you are detached. A woman cannot be emotionally attached to 2 men at the same time. The problems in your marriage likely led to this. In order for your marriage to work, she does need to end contact. I would explain to her how hurtful her affair is and tell her that you would like to make your marriage romantic and fun again but that cannot happen as long as there is an OM in the picture.

Who is this OM? Is he married?

Also, can you take this over to an Infidelity forum where folks are experienced with your problem? You wll get great feedback over on General Questions II. Just start a new thread titled "wife having affair, help" or something and past in your first 2 posts.

The folks will take good care of you.

You should realize that you can't make her do anything. That's probably the hardest part because no matter what it is we all want, we can only change ourselves, not others. Just look at my post to see that. All I want is for my husband to choose me over his friends and his pool playing and he wants to play pool. I know it is not the same as an A with a person, but it still the same concept. Good that she watched a movie with you instead of turning to him, though. I would have given anything for my husband to have chosen me over going out last night, it was his only night home from work all week. Maybe ask her if she enjoyed that, ask her what else you two could do together to bring happiness back into your life.
I think you do need to draw the line on the other guy though. Do it repectfully and let her know how much she means to you but be firm on this. I know from my past marriage how tempting something new is, and I will never even talk to another man in any way, just to be sure I never get caught up in that again. I myself don't exactly know how to stand your ground though, without talking of divorce, becasue like I said earlier the only behavior you can change is yours. Have you read the website? The best you can do is not engage in love busters (LB) and do your best to stay calm and loving, even when you are insisting on change. It's hard, I know I am not too sure myself in my situation. Hope this helps.

it all helps, talking more is one of the things i am learning, the hard way to do. If only to better communicate with her, i moved the post to the other infedelity forum, i have browsed the web-site and found a lot of info i have used. I avoid the LBs as much as i can. I know i have a temper and let it run my mouth when i am upset, also being worked on. I really do appreciate the advice, and i do think her choice was made last night, it was a step towards me and our marriage, and i have no intention of stopping yet. I am going to talk with her again tonight after she has had the day to think about it, and try to come to an agreement as to what we do from here, i cant make her stop talking to him, but i have told her, and will tell her again how much it stings, and how i want to be her emotional supporter and target again.