Okay, I was just wanting some thoughts on other people's (betrayed) mothers-in law. Mine is certifiable (literally). Since H and I split up, she has not only not dismissed his affair, but has embraced the OW. THis includes inviting her to family events, bridal showers, weddings, dinners with my H and our children. I spoke with her once when he first moved out and she told me that she didn't condone what he was doing but that she supported her son. Sounds to me like this is a hell of a lot of "support". Sounds also like she is pushing H to not settle on child support issue and kinda slams me when the children are not around. I mentioned to her (in previous conversation) that by inviting OW to all these things, she was absolutely condoning the relationship and that it sent a message to my children that this is perfectly okay. I have always had issues with her. She is very unstable, has "ignored" our family for months at a time simply because her "feelings were hurt" over some ambiguous issue. But this makes me cringe. Not only is she embracing OW as "part of the family" but she is essentially disrespecting me in the process. She has always said, "You will always be special to me because you are the mother of my grandchildren" Yeah, right. Is this woman insane? Or is she truly that vindictive. H claims that her whole family "loves" OW, but they "loved" me too. So, what gives? Are they that fickle? Or too stupid or naive to stand up for morality? Very frustrated tonight and wanted some opinions and similar circumstance maybe? Thanks.<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>

camarinick -- My MIL has also made things very difficult, though not to the extent yours has. I don't really want to go into all the details here, again. Read some of my old posts, or those of my W (hopeful1771) if you want to read about our story.<P>I can definitely understand your feelings.<P>God Bless

I love my mother-in-law. When all this first blew up, their reaction was that they would support their son. What I never heard was "we support our son but don't condone his actions." My family has some problems, so we had always been closer to his family. So I felt completely abandoned. <P>Things changed over time, though. As the months went on and his behavior got more and more strange, she started communicating with me more. Recently she has said that she really hopes we will work things out. They live out of state, so things like inviting the OW to events never came up. I've been the sane and stable one, while he's clearly off his rocker. I've also been the model daughter-in-law, sending cards, photos, and birthday presents, and bringing the kids 2000 miles for a visit so she could meet her new granddaughter. H hardly communicates with them at all anymore. It's like he's rejected everything from his life. <P>Funny -- I guess they were okay with him rejecting me, but when they got rejected too they decided he must be nuts! <P>My H's stepfather was never wild about me. He advised David against marrying me. So when this happened, he was very quick to remind David that he never thought I was right for him. When he broke up with the OW, FIL advised him to "play the field" for awhile instead of coming home. I was perfectly cordial to him when we visited, but I suspect I will never really feel close to him again. <P>My advice is just to always hold your head high and behave with dignity, regardless of how your MIL behaves. We have all learned we can't control our spouses, so we CERTAINLY can't control their parents!

camarinick,<BR> I can really relate to your post.My MIL(and FIL)always told me I was the best son-in-law they could ever have.I was always doing things for them,helping them on their house,cars,etc.After my W admitted her affair,she ran to her family,and told them half-truths,exaggerations,and a few outright lies.She let that soak in for a couple days before telling them about her affair.So by the time I talked to them,I was already the bad guy.She committed the worst possible crime in any marriage,and they rallied around her,and I was cast out.Blood is thicker than water.I've known her family for 25 years,and within a few days,they want nothing to do with me,and I did'nt do anything THAT wrong!Yes,I feel they are being naive,and her mother is extremely judgemental,and has always protected the family name.So,in their eyes,I had to be the worst possible H in the entire world,for my W to do what she did.I think the same is true with your in-laws.You don't know what your H told them.That,and he probably glorified the OW.You have to wonder what the children think.I wonder what my nieces and nephews think when they see my 43 year old W with a 31 year old man?I know it hurts you as much as it does me to have your in-laws think of you as some kind of"monster".But most likely,they are'nt real proud of what your H did,but you won't hear about it.Did they ever ask to hear your side of the story?Mine did'nt.Take care. --Murph

I guess mine is a different story. When my H started acting strangely, I confided in my MIL. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown from all the craziness. Although she loves her son dearly, she didn't like or approve of how badly he was treating me. She was very supportive and would call me 2 to 3 times a day just to check up on me. She even invited me and the kids to stay with her just to get away for awhile. She lives 4 hours away.<P>When things got worse for me & H, she said that she wouldn't blame me if I left our marriage. She said that a person shouldn't have to live with such mental abuse.<P>She even had a talk with my H to find out why he was doing all those stupid things to us.<P>I was really surprised how supportive she was of me. She is not only a great mother-in-law, but a good friend.

I am with No Trust on this one. I am very lucky to have a MIL who is there for me. Not that she doesn't love and support her son. She is just confused as to what he is doing. She even offered to talk to him.<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>and if I shed a tear I won't cage it<BR>I won't fear love<BR>and if I feel a rage I won't deny it<BR>I won't fear love<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>"Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"<BR>Sarah Mclachlan<P><BR>

I'm new here, I just posted. My MIL is one of only 2 people who know what is going on between my husband & I (besides OW). She has been wonderful so far. We are very close tho. I guess because her H had done the same thing to her and my H is following the sins of his father, which I find astounding considering how he was abandoned as a child. She's very supportive and has said she is going to help us in any way she can. She calls me to see if I'm ok. She's trying hard to get me back on my feet, since the shock still hasn't worn off. I hope my luck holds out with her. So far, she thinks his behavior is deplorable. Thank you God for wonderful person in my life to help me. I hope it will stay that way.

Well, add to your situation cam, a OC which happens to be the only grandson and is constantly spending the weekends with mommy at MIL's and your on your way to my scenerio. It flat out stinks...<P>I don't know if I would be this way about my son if he s*&^ on a wife and family... I hope my standard would be much higher than to let this one go over in my house!!! wish they all could see a bigger picture...<P>cozy

My MIL had no idea my hub cheated on me. He<BR> stayed with his parents when I asked him to<BR> leave and they thought it was because I had another man! I know this was because the rest of my family are cheaters but that killed me knowing they would think that about me.Anyway a few days ago my MIL called me and said the woman that had been calling Michael while he was living there had called<BR> to get our new phone number,she suspected something was up and told the woman she would take a message and Michael or his wife could call her back.I am so glad she didnt give our number out.Mil wanted to know what was going on,so I told her but made her promise she wouldnt tell Michael ,because we agreed we wouldnt tell anybody.Well what does she do, she calls my hub that very evening and blasts him .I knew he was going to be mad ,real mad, but he hung up the phone and looked at me and said, "well, guess<BR> I deserved that".<BR> Shes a pretty good mother in law.<BR>

Okay, here's the really hurtful part of the affair in my life. My In-laws (almost all of them except Dad) didn't want my H to marry me. They wanted him to marry the OW, she was the perfect candidate, she was educated, of social established, old money,( I frankly think she has an ugly disposition and snobby and not that great looker!) but still the one they wanted. I was a divorcee, had 2 daughters, was still in college, working 3 jobs, in the military reserves, and ordinary (some say I'm pretty, I don't think so) Any how, the step monster in law (his step mother) set out to destroy me. When things were hard between us he thought that maybe they were right all along and that we didn't belong together so he attempted a relationship with her. It wasn't until he almost lost me, I went bonkers on him and actually slapped him, broke dishes and did some major love busting yet defended myself (not to add some major emotional blackmail that I would have never followed up on!) That he realized how badly this would have never worked out. Guess what? The in-laws have suddenly realized I'm NOT GOING ANYWHERES!!! and are suddenly trying to make things work between us. It's great but I will NEVER forget ( I have forgiven) the amount of trouble they gave me for 9 years. I don't think my 2 older daughters ever will either. God Bless you, and God Bless all in-laws, may they realize what their in-laws are actually worth! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

camarinick - My MIL has always be pretty supportive of me and my H. When we were seperated she wanted very much for us to get back together. She knows a few things that, until recently, my mother didn't even know. She even know about the crap my mother has tried to pull with my H (empty shell). She believes in trying to help her children through their problems but she also knows when to back off as well. She doesn't give advice when she thinks we need it and then if she does give us advice she doesn't force us to take it.<P>She doesn't know about the affair I had, I don't think, but if she does she doesn't think any less of me at least to my knowledge she doesn't. I am the lucky on here to have a MIL I get along withm My h got the MIL from H*LL.

Cam, MT shell, Murph,I know what you are going thru on this. MY shell, I've posted to you about this. For those of you that have your In-laws support, you're lucky. In my case; No MIL, No Affair. My MIL was out of our lives for seven years and never saw her last grandchild until he was 5. She was an alcoholic and would disappear from time to time. BIL would call to tell w that he couldn't find her. W would say I hope she dies. I did the best I could to keep her in my wife's heart. That she would come back some day and the two of them would settle their differences. I was overjoyed when things between the two of them began to thaw and then MIL came to live in our town. I did everything I could to help her and always was available. <BR>A few months later when I became suspicious, I went to mil to get help in finding out what was going on with W. Mil kept putting me off. When I confronted the OM, MIL let him and W use her apartment as a meeting place. She looked me right in the eye and told me that W would never do that. With my wife several feet away, locked inside her apartment with the OM inside. I knew then that she was lying to me. OM was on a first name basis with MIL and was the go between for them when he needed to get messages to W. W declared her love for the OM to her Mom. MIL drove W over to OM's house so she could be with him. I watched this with my own eyes and I will never forget it. MiL also complained to FIL about my parenting skills after she had told me what a good father I was. All of our life together, MIL was a drag on our relationship. I always thought that W was smart enough to see through it. Whenever we had fights, it seemed that MIL was present to take in W. Mil had told W early in our marriage that she could get and abortion and divorce me and I would not have to know about the Abortion. I had forgiven her for that even though that pregnancy gave us a daughter that has been the joy of my life.<BR>When I finally discovered the truth, I told MIL that I knew she just started bytching me out. MIL acted as the enabler for the affair and was helping her with her relationship with the OM. Instead of living up to her covenant with God to protect the marriage she was proactive in its destruction. <BR>MIL was dumped by her husband for another woman so I was pretty sure that she would not stand by or worse, help in this kind of thing.<BR>MIL had also had at least two affairs with married men. One marriage, she broke up leaving a little girl my sons age without a father. <BR>Mil is a church going Christian who claims that she is saved by Jesus. What Bible is she reading? Where does it say "go fourth and destroy your grandchildren's happy home?".<BR>The philosophical discussion: What is the face of evil? Usually depicts Hitler or Stalin. To me, the face of evil is my MIL(X). <BR>The bible quote I use is "If thy right eye offend thee, Pluck it out". A right eye has a use, She on the other hand is a cancerous tumor on the face of decency that needs to be cut out. When she tried to apologize to me, she kept interrupting me and claiming that she forgot certain events.<BR>Legally, she is no longer my MIL since W and I are divorced. A major reason that I do not remarry her is because that would make her my MIL again. <BR>For her active role and maltreatment of her grandchildren's father (me) she is no longer a part of our lives. <P>You have conspired against our royal person, <BR>Join'd with an enemy proclaim'd and from his coffers <BR>Received the golden earnest of our death; <BR>Wherein you would have sold your king to slaughter, <BR>His princes and his peers to servitude, <BR>His subjects to oppression and contempt <BR>And his whole kingdom into desolation. <BR>Touching our person seek we no revenge; <BR>But we our kingdom's safety must so tender, <BR>Whose ruin you have sought, that to her laws <BR>We do deliver you. Get you therefore hence, <BR>Poor miserable wretches, to your death: <BR>The taste whereof, God of his mercy give <BR>You patience to endure, and true repentance <BR>Of all your dear offences! Bear them hence. -Henry V

W and I just had a major blowout with MIL due to her refusal to admit that it was wrong to conceal and condone my W's relationship with the OM. This is nearly a year since discovery and she still can't understand why she may have had a moral obligation to tell her daughter that what she was doing was wrong. She says she only wanted to meet OM because she was curious and only wanted W to be happy. Funny thing for Christmas I recieved a shirt from her that was 2 sizes too big but would have fit OM. She had 2 months between discovery and X-mas to exchange it. I suppose this should not suprise me since MIL and FIL have been married 30 years and both have had several affairs and continue to do so periodically. How does one have so much life experience and still be so ignorant? I have lost all respect for both of them. At least my W seems to agree that they handled it very poorly.

Hey Camarinick,<P>As you will see below, there are more ignorant MIL's out there. I copied this from a post a few months ago about mine.<P><BR>Oh boy, can I relate to the in-laws from hell. My in-laws have always disapproved of me and would do anything to get their son back home. Get this, these people only disapprove of me because I haven't graduated from college yet and I'm not Catholic. Not to mention that I actually bartended for 2 years while going to college! Oh Lord, burn me at the stake, I don't deserve to live! hehe Yeah, those are good reasons to dislike a respectable, intelligent, warm hearted person. Whatever!<BR> <BR>When my husband confessed to his affair, and I was going to leave him, he called his parents crying profusely. They kept telling him, in opposition to his statements, that he is not a bad person and that he shouldn't feel bad, blah blah blah. Stuff a lot of parents would say to their child when they feel their world is crumbling because of their own selfish, destructive behavior. But, the were really pushing it. Anyhow, these people, who are in their mid 70's, a retired physician, and a retired teacher with a Master's degree, came running down here to save their son from heartache. You'd think that educated people would know better. Anyhow, they have only come to visit us maybe 3 times in the last 6 years. Well, they came down for a week and spent the entire time trying to convince their son to come home and live with them. He's 35 years old for pete's sake. Purely pathetic! They told him that we (meaning my son and myself) aren't worth the trouble. That he was now 'safe' because he was with his family. (I was lovebusting something fierce at this point and packing to leave.) Anyhow, they also kept telling their college educated son to come live with them, it's free. FREE??? Give me a break. These people are sick! Their son completely and utterly devastates me, and they're telling him he should go live with them, because it's free! That's a good way to teach your son right from wrong! Or to face responsibility for his actions. After a week of their fruitless quest, they returned home. But would continue calling and babying the crap out of my H. And continuing to convince him to move 'home'. A home, might I add that he hasn't lived in since being sent off to boarding school at the age of 14. Living with them isn't home to him. <P>He is deathly afraid of speaking up to his parents, as you can imagine they are EXTREMELY controlling people. After our first visit with the therapist, which coincided with their 'visit', he told them that the therapist recommended that he no longer discuss his marriage with them. They accused her of brainwashing him. It was too funny! Luckily, he was able to use the therapist as the scapegoat. He fell off the wagon, so to speak, a few times, but now keeps his stance with not discussing anything with them. They hate it, and will throw in everything to make him feel bad. It's just a big mess all around. <P><BR>BTW, 8 months later and I'm still the bad guy in all of this. They still feel the need to 'save' my H from the mean, uneducated, non-Catholic, ex-bartender. They better watch out or I might just convert him to all of those things! In all seriousness, I can laugh it off now, but they caused a lot of hell for many months with their coddling of my H. It's difficult enough trying to get him to understand the magnitude of his actions, but to have his own parents tell him that he's done nothing wrong is unbelievable. There's a fine line between support and ignorance. Unfortunately, it looks like our MIL's have crossed that line.<P><P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

Today, I just found out that a old family friend of ours is divorced because her H of 45 years left her for another woman. Can you imagine being married for 45 years and then your spouse leaves you? Unbelievable and sickening!<P>Anyway, our friend went to give a surprise visit to her ex-MIL. Her ex-MIL lives in another country Our friend had always done thoughtful things for her MIL and thought that their relationship was strong enough to withstand the divorce of ex-MIL's son and her.<P>When our friend arrived at ex-MIL's house to surprise her, her ex-MIL told her to leave and to never come around again!<P>Can you believe that! Our friend was already devastated from her H's betrayal and abandonment, but then to have other people whom she loved, forsake her too! What a double-whammy!<P>It's so sad. I guess you never know what to expect from people.....

My IL's dont really like me but they had a hissy when my W left, not because she was having an affair or that she left me. But because she left the kids in their home in their beds with their toys so that they could go to their schools instead of sleeping on some strangers couch. They were mad because she didn't take the kids with her. My IL's suck.

Distrusting, I'm very much a Catholic and all of the items you mentioned are okay with the church as far as I know. As I recall, Infidelity is not. <P>70 years old and they're still trying to baby him, sad.

Well, my MIL can be a witch. She never really has liked me for some reason. I always went out of my way to get her approval, but it never came.<P>Since W has been keeping her posted on our situation, she has:<P>1) Suggested that I might physically harm W<BR>2) Suggested that I am squirreling away money.<BR>3) Indicated that my behavior after discovery was terrible, while condoning what W did.<BR>4) Made fun of me in conversations with W.<BR>5) Made favorable comparisons between me and a psychotic former boyfriend of hers...<P>It goes on and on....Even if we patch things up(W and I), I will never try to re-establish a relationship with MIL. I will be cordial and polite, but that is it.<P>She grew up in an dysfunctional home(both parents were alcoholics), has been married three times(longest 7 years), for most of the time I have known her, she has been a "man-hater" and has been dealing with her own psychological problems for many years.<P>I don't need her.

Heartpain, Why bother with being cordial? One betrayer in my life is enough. Get rid of her. The last thing she did that was good was give birth to the wife. Her job is done now go away. <BR>I think one of the reasons that my MIL hates me is that I gave my W the one thing she never had- A man that was completly devoted to her.

I too, had a MIL who supported her son and his affair. She said that as long as he was happy, whether it was with her or me, was the only thing that counted. And since I would not sell our home, liquidate my 401(k) and sell everything else to pay off our debts so that we could adopt a child (with a very small chance of success) since ex- H is sterile. Now she is happy that he finally has his own "family" (the OW (now is his wife) has a young daughter.) At first she did not want to believe he was having an affair - when he told them he was leaving me (which was even before I knew anything), he did not mention that he was leaving me for another woman. I told her, and she did not want to believe it. I think she still believes what ex-H told her - that he was not involved with OW until after he left me. "Blood is thicker than truth", I say.