Listen to jmwc95. Your children's lives are in an upheaval right now and they don't need OW added to the mix, especially when the statistics show that she probably won't be around long, even if you guys do divorce.

Go to Court. If you don't want to file for divorce, file for a legal separation.

I have three children, two of them live at home. At the time of D-day they were 17 1/2 and 14. They were actually the ones who uncovered the A and confronted their dad. The night they confronted their dad, WH told them he loved her. Nothing else. Here was a man who was three weeks from being president of our temple and taught Sunday School for almost 7 years. He taught the ten commandments. And he never said sorry whatsoever.

WH walked out on them and didn't contact them for almost 6 weeks afterwards. He showed up once at the house and my YS slammed the door in his face. I chuckled, but you know my old sponsor told me that it wasn't appropriate behavior because he was still their dad.

WH showed up at a lacrosse tournament and brought OW, my children found out about it and the OS left a scathing voice message with WH, that WH held onto for weeks. I have wanted WH to come home since day one. He is still out there. I am in Plan B.

From the beginning I would NOT allow any contact with OW. The closest that happened was WH brought OW to a tournament where my son was and my son new she was there. BUT THAT'S ALL.

Some see me as bending over backwards and being a doormat. I want my M. WHAT I HAVE DONE IS KEPT THEM AWAY FROM OW. I actually even had it entered into the LSA. We haven't finalized it yet, but I am hoping that's included.

What so many others helped me to realize was that my WH had become my enemy, he wasn't my H and I owed it to my children, me and my M to protect what I held dear. Each case is obviously different, but I just wanted you to know what my sitch offered.

a quick update it turns out I didn't have to expose affair at WH work someone did it for me he called yesterday to say he was sitting outside HR because of the rumors going around. Afterwards he called youngest to say he would pick him up tomorrow I asked what happened all he would say was that its bad but he didn't get fired. Then about 6:30 this morning he called and said that he wouldn't be picking youngest up because he wasn't feeling good what with everything going on at work. Also says he will pick youngest up tomorrow and also the middle child,who hates him. The middle child said he wasn't going and told his father this my WH said I'll pick you up anyway. I think he may be cracking up.....

make sure ow won't be around them.....

good, he is feeling some of the consequences of his actions! thank you lord for sending a little angel to inform human resources.

mlhb

I haven't been here for a couple of days because my father passed away. I'm coping with that ok because he is in a better place with no more pain. My WH informed the kids that he doesn't care for me in that way anymore but he still cares. He is picking up 2 of the children today for a visit, he says the other person won't be there and she comes and goes he also told the kids that she has kids and that he hopes they like her and that its not her fault. The kids miss him terribly so I think I'm doing the right thing. Now is this considered meeting his EN and what else can I do to meet his EN if he doesnb't live here and still sees her. I realize that this is a lot of hard work and I'm ready but sometimes the pain that he could love somebody else is unbearable. Some advice please.

You have been getting good advice, but you just haven't followed through on it. Letting him have the kids by himself when he wants is not meeting his ENs, it is letting him get away with his adultery without consequences. I'm going to reiterate again what you need to do. Sure, this will piss him off, but he needs a dose of reality and consequences. If there are no consequences for his affair, he will continue it. It is time to stand up for yourself and your family.

Well today is daughters 18th birthday so me her and a couple of friends are taking her out to eat. My WH did not like this at all. He picked up youngest this morning and was supposed to go fishing but he said he wasn't feeling well(told the youngest he had been drinking). Then calls me and says that hes taking a vaction day on tuesday would it be alright for son to skip school to spend time with him because he doesn't see him enough and he will take daughter out tommorrow for her birthday. Then not even 1/2 hour later he text me wanting to know what my intentions are because he doesn't like having to ask their or mine permission to see them and does he have to get a lawyer and file. Also he wanted to see middle child but I told him that wouldn't be a very good idea as middle child is not thrilled with him and he said child(who is 14 almost 15) has no say in the matter. I did not respond to text. Then he text daughter and tells her he loves her and Happy B-Day. She calls him when we get home and he said he's not doing anything tomorrow maybe monday or tuesday she's very hurt and angry. He's been all over the map today. Just thought I'd update, I however am going out with my daughter.

I'm so sorry to hear that your dad passed. It must be very, very stressful to you to have to go through on top of your husband's sleazy behavior.

I suggest you write a letter today to his work, to the HR department. Tell them that the OW supervisor is having an affair and breaking up your family. Ask them what they plan to do about it.

Exposure may end the affair, and then your hubby won't behave like a drug addicted bum.

Your husband has ZERO right to expose your children to his HO. I would let the kids know that he has a girlfriend and married folks don't do that, and they will NOT be around them as long as you have anything to say about it.

Actually he's already been exposed at work due to the fact that he wasn't as careful as he thought he was and the kids are aware of the fact and have known from the beginning. This OW already has three kids of her own. WH even told the youngest(his) that they would never replace his own children and that he would always love them (his own ) more. He just doesn't understand why his kids are angry at him......

The very next time he says something along the lines of "do I need to get a lawyer and file", your answer should be either, "YES", or "No, I am doing that on my own."

Call his bluff. He is using this as a threatening tactic, because he can control you with the fear it evokes in you. He knows it. He thinks because you said you would forgive him, please come home, that means he can do whatever he pleases. So far, it has worked. Every time those words come from his mouth, your response is to step back in fear, and he wins.

He believes you are a doormat.

Do not be a doormat.

You need to set some boundaries with him in writing. You need a lawyer, or you need some sort of agreement about how and when he is to see these children.

You need to stand up to him, or he will just continue to do what he wants - which right now is to have you and the kids whenever he wants and to run right over you all, and to have his girlfriend, too. He's running his life right into the ground - drinking and sleeping around. His mother seems to be okay with it, as she apparently lives right there and sees it.

So, here's your list of to-do.

1. Expose this affair. Even if you think everyone knows? Call them and make darn good and sure they do, and ask them for their help in squashing it. Ask them not to support your husband and his OW in their affair, and to help you and your efforts in rebuilding the marriage. Tell them about your desire to recapture the marriage and make it a good marriage - do not put your husband down during exposure calls! Make sure that anyone you expose to can report ONLY GOOD THINGS back to your husband - that you called for help for the marriage, that you love him, that you want support for the marriage, etc. NO DJs, NO LBs. Just expose the affair and ask for support.

2. Contact your husband and ask to meet with him regarding the formalities of visiting the children. This meeting should be a SINGLE TOPIC meeting only, and you two should work something out regarding when and how the children should visit him. Tell him in advance that NOTHING else can or will be discussed, only the visitation thing. You stick to that, and he needs to stick to that. It will make your life easier.

You should not give an inch regarding the OW, by the way. It is NOT something healthy that they meet and become friendly with her. That is not in the interest of marriage building, and if he insists, tell him that the meeting "was not fruitful", and then end it. (At that point, sorry to say, you WILL need an attorney for this purpose. Tell him that you thought you could negotiate it between the two of you without cost, but this is not a point that you plan to give an inch on, so unfortunately it will take lawyers, and you will have one give him a call. BTW - you CAN do this in a friendly manner, and you need to.)

Don't meet at your house.

3. Read up on Plan A, and also the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A. You don't want to be a doormat in this thing, and it's very important that you follow the plans well. One of the things I worry about is that he is pushy with you and it works.

4. Focus on the one thing in this marriage that you control - and that is YOU. When something needs done, the question should be "can I control it?". If the answer is NO, then you have to learn to let it go.

5. Try to turn your eyes away from the OW. While she has her role in this, you need to look for the moment to your marriage at the point of the affair. What was happening? What do you think was going on that put your marriage at risk? What things do you think YOU could have done better as a person to improve the relationship? I'm not saying to sit there and say "OH, I was a terrible wife!" I'm saying to be very analytical, honest, and thoughtful about the relationship. How were emotional needs met (both ways), and how was the communication? Try and look at that with an outsider's eyes, and be OBJECTIVE - not too hard on yourself, not critical, but honest. Take the EN questionnaire and see where you stand.

6. Ask your husband to take the EN questionnaire. Take his results and look at what is going on in his mind.


Keep posting.

Schoolbus

Listen to schoolbus.

And I would write a letter to HR at work and ask them what they plan to do about one of their supervisors having an affair with your husband. Tolerating a supervisor having an affair with an employee is a very poor business practice, and good companies won't stand for it. It may put more pressure on to hear it from YOU.

Schoolbus is a 100% right, and I've been saying essentially the same thing the entire time. He's going to continue to cheat on you as long as you let him. If you refuse to stand up for yourself, he's going to continue to walk all over you and the family. It's time you started getting tough with him. I would get with a lawyer and file for legal separation and let him KNOW what divorce will be like - limited access to his children, child spousal support deducted straight from his paycheck, and no access to his home. Your WH needs to feel the hurt of his choices before he will change. He is a classic cake-eater who thinks he can control you. Take back the control. If not, you are just wasting your (and our) time.

Well the last couple of days I have been taking back control. He has been trying to text me but I have changed cell phone number. I have also been to lawyer because he's running out of money and becoming increasingly agitated and yelling at me like this is my choice. I told him that everything that is happening is because of choices and decisions HE made. I'm not happy this is not what I want but I feel in order to protect myself and family that this is what is best.

Please tell me I'm doing the right thing. I am filing to protect my children from exposure to other woman and to protect finances as he has repeatedly informed me that he has no money not even enough for gas. I told him that it was his choice not mine. Also he is blaming me for children not wanting to see him or the little contact that they do have with him, he says he didn't do anything to them. Also says the youngest who is 11 doesn't know what he wants and he is the only child still talking to him. Is there any suggestions on anything more that I can be doing? And the sad part is I still love him I just don't understand him. I have tried being nice but there's a difference between being nice and being a doormat. I just don't know if there's any hope left for us.

You are doing the right thing by taking back control. Protect yourself and the children. There is always hope as soon as the affair ends, and the affair is more likely to end the more consequences that your WH has to face. Be strong, but don't argue with your WH, just do. Don't get suckered into an argument with a WS, just ignore them. Only respond to your husband in the moments he is nice and out of the fog.

He is blameshifting.

He walks out on you and destroy's the children's family and blames you for the fact they have feelings about it.

My dad cheated on my mom and never accused her of turning us against him. He knew that we weren't happy with what he was doing and it was HIS actions, not my mother's, that were making us unhappy.

Let him babble. When he starts blaming you, say nothing because it won't get through to him anyways.

You're fighting a losing battle by using logic so don't even bother wasting your time.

Well it's been awhile since I last posted so here's an update on my sitch. Papers have been filed and served even though this is not what I want but I had to do this to establish child support as he has only made the one mortgage payment since he left. Our oldest graduated from high school and she gave him two tickets, one for him and one for his mom. He called when he got the papers and left a message about the papers on answering machine, he wasn't happy about contents. I have not spoken to him nor do i return his calls. He is still with OW (2 Months today). As for the children they do not answer his calls either even though I have told them that they are allowed to speak to him if they wish. I'm not trying to come between them and their father but they don't consider him part of the family anymore. The oldest moved out, WH doesn't know this, but she doesn't answer his texts either. He still can't understand why the kids are mad at him as he's done nothing to them. I'm still devastated my days of crying are getting a little farther apart. I still love him and can't understand why he hates me and why he all of the sudden stopped loving me after almost 19 years.

My WH just received his papers for our first hearing in July and he wasn't happy. Actually this was his second set of papers, this set contained the percentages of who did how much in relation to the kids. He said "I just got papers that said I'm worthless." He came by to pick up his 4 wheeler and hunting stuff and came to the door to see the kids, they refused. Then he calls me and proceeds to tell me that I turned the kids against him and this is the coldest thing I'VE done.... and he'll never talk to me again after this is over. I've repeatedly tried to get the kids to talk to him or visit, but no dice they are still incredibly angry now. I'm not pushing them on this. Then I told him I'm sorry he felt this way but this was his choice this is what he wanted and I'm sorry he felt this way and I had nothing further to say and I hung up. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and I'm sure I'm doing the right thing but I still hurt and I still love him.

My parents got separated when I was 16 years old and since I was old enough to see the truth and make my own choices I refused to continue a relationship with my mother. I'm 30 now and still do not have a relationship with her. My father never spoke badly about her and never influenced this decision and in fact would always tell me "that's your mother, dont shut her out completely...you only get one mother." You are not doing anything wrong...the kids have a right to be angry! WH is looking to place blame on you - let's face it, it's easier to do that than acknowledge you're the one that should be blamed. Stay strong!

Don't worry, he's just trying to manipulate you into letting him off the hook easy. This is the best thing that can happen. It will serve him a nice cold dose of reality to his affairland fantasy. This will not hurt your chances, but it will lead to him hitting rock bottom more quickly. You've done the right thing. Trust your judgment.