I recently ended an EA (four months ago) and OM came out looking great with his own wife. My H tried to convince her for awhile that her husband and I were having an EA, but she wouldn't believe him, still doesn't.
I think my H would like it if I wrote OMW a letter telling her that he wasn't as innocent as she believes. I am having a little trouble with this because 1: I really don't think it would convince her and would be a waste of time. 2: I have fears that this might cause unwanted contact again and 3: She already threatened to call the authorities if the harassment continued.
I want to help my husband heal from this affair, but I am not sure any good could come of this. Please help me.

Was she given the true facts about the affair or was she given bullcrap spin? What were the exact words your H used to describe it?

My husband laid it out to her truthfully I believe

If you are convinced he was completely straightforward in his language,[no weasel words] then I would let it lie. Some people, to my amazement, prefer living with illusions and she may be one of those people. If that is the case, it doesn't matter what you say, she will not believe the truth and you could end up in trouble with the law.

On the other hand, if your H used NewTruth doublespeak like "inappropriate relationship," "getting too close," etc, etc, I would consider having him send her a letter written in OldeTruth.

You know, based on this statement, I would just let it lie. You will both heal faster if you do. It sounds like he really did try but she was not interested in hearing the truth.

No he definitely used the word affair. I don't think he sugar coated it for her. I am afraid if she got a restraining order put out on my husband he could lose his job, or When OMW shows the letter to OM i have fears that he might try to contact me again and i feel that it would send us right back to where we started, and that would be bad seeing as though we are getting through this and looking forward to a better marriage.

I vote for letting it lie. I don't think you can convince someone of something against their will so there would be no benefit.

Does your H post here?

OM got off easy with his wife because i let him off easy. If I would have told OMW the truth in dec she may have believed me, but my husband had already tried to convince her to no avail so I just wanted it to end WITHOUT THE POLICE. I still had the same fears then as I do now. I was wrong to let him off, i know that, but i am not sure going back now would do any good and besides i don't want to encourage any kind of contact from OM or OMW

My H posted for awhile when I was having the A. He got a lot of help. He was tryingtoohard i believe. (I could be wrong)

I would POJA it with hubby. Have you read about the policy of joint agreement?

Hey there ILMH! Glad to see you posting...I think it's important to note that the letter that you wrote to OMW (as I understand it) was misleading (stated that you and OM were "just friends", right?) and characterized your BH as a bit of a "nutjob"...That being the case, it is my opinion that you should write the OMW another letter stating the HARD FACTS, give it to your husband (TTH) and let him decide if he wants to send it or not...It is your WILLINGNESS to do "whatever it takes, for as long as it takes" that he very much needs to see...

What do you think?

Mrs. W

Wait a minute. Is the reason the OMW didn't believe your H because you told her he was a nutjob and denied the affair? If so, that changes the whole story..

Did you do that to your husband?

What I see here is a case where your actions against your husband and your M were almost worse than the actual EA itself. In other words...the things you said and did while still foggy and wayward are the things that he needs you to FIX!

You made him out to be something he is NOT--(PSYCHO) both to your OM and his WIFE. You undermined your BH's attempts to expose...not unusual, but VERY PAINFUL for your husband. And something, I might add, that YOU need to make ammends for as well as you can.

Sometimes (actually, many times) the BS can actually try to understand and forgive the affair, no matter if it is an EA or PA or LTA, whatever. It is amazing to me that when they should be furious with us WSs, they are looking at themselves and what they did wrong in the M to make the WS want to seek love from someone else. At the same time, even if the A is ended right away, that evilness that inhabits a wayward...that "I'm too cool for you" bullchit that permeates every word and action towards the BS takes little CHUNKS out of their hearts, their souls, their very SANITY.

You need to understand that this is why your BH is still hurting. I have posted to your DH since he first came here, and he was desperate to win you back...and you thwarted his every effort (for some time). You said he was manipulative and controlling...and that's just what he KNEW about. Lord knows what you were telling friends and family (not to mention the OM, his wife and your co-workers).

So, it is no surprize to me that he needs some REPARATIONS to help him recover. Although you may not think what you did was "that bad," it is the treatment, the wayward mentality, which constitutes ABUSE and needs to be mended.

A humble heart, and tangible efforts to prove your changes and earn your forgiveness is only the first step. But, whether you "get it" or not, does not take away his pain. Be patient with him and realize that the only person you have to be angry with is yourself. He is trying to get over this...I believe he can if he knows you are truly on board.

Let me just set something straight The e-mail i sent to OMW was after my husband tried to convince her of the affair and she didn't believe him. I did put my hubbie in a bad light and that wasn't right, but OMW didn't believe my husband because she didn't want to , not because of anything I told her.
OMW sent me an e-mail and I responded to it. I didn't just send her an e-mail out of the blue.
OMW said the words "your crazy family" My response was that my husband wasn't normally like this and yes that indicated that I thought he was acting crazy too and that was wrong, but she was pissed because my husband and mother were calling her up and she thought that I had some fantasy about running away with her husband which really wasn't the case and I felt a need to defend myself. I admit I didn't handle it right, but my motive was just to calm her down so she wouldn't file charges. I guess i retreated, but that's what i do a lot. I was still in the fog and made a mistake.
I don't care about OM's feelings or OMW's feelings, I am just scared to send another letter. In my response to her(in the e-mail) I told her I would leave them alone and not talk with her husband again and I did that because I was scared she might file charges. I was scared for my hubbie. I had already decided to go NC anyway and hadn't talked with him for a some days before that. I felt I was persevering through it and was already experiencing withdrawl when she e-mailed. I just wanted it to go away, because it started everything(the symptoms) all over again. I am afraid of that happening again if she responds back to my letter, or worse if OM contacts me again because of it.

Just so everyone knows I am planning on writing the letter I just wanted to express my fears and see what everyone thought. I do love my hubbie and I want to make us stronger and not set us back.. I was terrible to him during that time and I want him to love me again and trust me again. He is the best person I know!

ILMH,

I think it is the right thing to do to send her a letter with the truth in it.

Whether or not she chooses to believe it right away doesn't matter. The truth has a funny way about it - when someone is told the truth about something they often do not like it, they do not want to hear it, they may deny it and get very angry. But the truth is what it is, and when it is said aloud, it plants a seed in the mind of the listener.

That seed grows.

Often, in spite of their strongest desire to deny it, to avoid it, to run away from it.

The truth grows.

Sooner or later, that truth will stand before her undeniably large.

She will come to terms with it, whether it is when she reads your letter, or next month, or next year...or ten years from now.

But she will come to terms with it, in her way.

That is not for you to say or to control.

What is for you to do, is to allow her to hear the truth of her life.

Your letter will do that.

It will also do something for your husband. It will be an act of courage and love for him. By sending that letter, you will stand for him, and be brave for him. You will be cutting those last ties to the OM in a public and honest way that only you can do.

He will see honor for him in that letter. Bravery.


Your H knows the risk you are taking. Make the letter a pledge in writing to the OMW (and your H) that you will never contact OM again - to give her peace, too. So if/when OM reads it, he reads "ILMH never wants to see or contact OM again. What we did was wrong. We betrayed our spouses. I never want to betray my husband, because I LOVE HIM and ONLY HIM, and I want to pledge to both my husband and to OMW that I want NC...." so when he reads it, OM will KNOW without doubt what you mean. Don't hedge. MEAN IT.

Leave no crack in the door.

And tell her the truth, the WHOLE raw truth. Don't let her live without the pieces of the puzzle. And make sure she understands that your H is not a nutjob - clear that up, and apologize for anything you might have said that led her to think that. Because, you probably did.

Do not let OM off the hook. Even though it feels like it is politically correct. Even though you have a TON of guilt. Even though, even though, even though............because if you excuse anything, you actually are taking away the chance for THEIR marriage to recover

just like yours is recovering.

Don't do that to them.

Give them every single chance to recover with dignity, honesty, and TRUTH. Be sure your letter is honest, open, and forthcoming.

Otherwise, they have absolutely no chance.

They deserve that. OM marriage does - even though, even though, even though............

Schoolbus

Ilovemyhubbie,

I wanted to respond to you for 2 reasons.

1. I want to be sure that the people on the MB forum don't get you and I confused. I've not posted here in awhile for personal reasons.

2. I am a FWS. I am fully dedicated to my H and to my M. We have just passed 4 months after Dday. We're doing well and I wanted to offer encouragement to you. For the time being, I'm just going to continue to read your posts and see where you and your H are heading. The only advice I can offer you right now is to listen to the experienced members on this board. Apply it where you can and be honest with yourself and your H (if he wants to know) about your actions and what you plan to do to make yourself and your M, better than it was before.

The reason for exposure is to put pressure on the affair, correct? Here, there is none of that as there is already NC established, correct? Therefore, the intent is for the OM and OMW to suffer like your husband? This is not good.

The affair was brought to life previously and it is up to OMW to investigate from that point (I think anyone with common sense would). She may just not want to face it. But, this is her decision and not your husband's.

So, in summary I would write the letter. I would not send it simply to cause pain to OM and OMW. If you have not done so, maybe you could incorporate this into a NC letter to OM? Regardless, it is good to document the history by writing so as time goes by you have a record of the events.

Thanks everyone that responded. I have written the letter and am in the process of fine tuning it. I will post again in a while to tell how everything goes. If anything happens at all. As long as my husband gets out of it that I love him I feel I have been successful.