I have gone through the site thoroughly and can't find my answer. If you know where to go please let me know.

Married 13 years - 3 year old, 2 year old and 1 month old.

One year ago my wife and I were happily married - her words, "No one is more married than we are." That all changed pretty fast.

I got just gotten a huge promotion in my company and for about 6 months I needed to work some crazy hours. She knew it would be like that, as the CEO of our company even came to our house to inform her what it would be like if I took the job and wanted to make sure she was comfortable with it. She agreed completely - knowing that it would be a short term situation and would change once I was able to turn the department around.

I had been in the position for about 6 months, things were getting better at work - and I was spending more time at home, but my wife was starting to grow distant. However, we had already planned to have our third child so we decided to go ahead and get pregnant again.

She got pregnant in July. In August, she started fighting with me over every thing. She started associating any mistakes or faults as a "lack of love" for her. If I forgot to do something she asked - I didn't care. If I accidently broke someting - I didn't love her. I just assumed there were hormonal issues related to the pregnancy because I had never seen her act like this before.

On a side note - I'm a husband that has tried his best to be a good husband and father. I clean house with her. I do laundry, I change poopie diapers. I don't expect her to do everything by herself. So I thought by doing all of these things, I was being a good husband and father. I didn't realize I was not fulfilling her emotional needs.

To make a long story short, we had a terrible fight one evening and she was so cold, I didn't even know who I was talking to. She informed me that I should go find someone else to be in love with. I was so confused by her comments I didn't know what to do.

The next day at work I couldn't contain myself, so I went home around 1 pm to talk it out. I stepped inside the house. The kids were locked in their room and my wife came running out of our bedroom. She acted so weird and then tried to block me from our room. I stormed back and one of her co-workers was hiding in the closet.

Of course I flipped out, cursed at him and made him leave the house. My whole world was suddenly ripped apart. After a long talk, we decided we needed to start counseling and she promised me she would end the relationship with him.

We started counseling, but she hated what the counselor told her, so she refused to go to him. I continued because I was so messed up.

I put a lot of effort into making the relationship work. She was like Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde. One minute loving and caring the next, ready to tear my head off over nothing.

The one thing she has done is refused to take blame for the relationship. She brings up every wrong I've done over the past 13 years, built up a case and claims that I haven't cared for her and that despite knowing what my job commitments would be, I truly left the marriage first.

Over the next few months, I thought things were getting better - or so I thought - when I called her from the office one day and got an uneasy vibe from the way she talked. I decided to pop home unexpectedly and sure enough, he was over at my house again. She was watching a movie on my couch and he was in my office typing on my PC.

I was so upset I told her we were through and quickly threw him out, yet again. After he had gone and I told her how I felt - that this was ridiculous and we were through - she basically threw the pregnancy up in my face, "You're going to throw me out while I'm 6 months pregnant with your baby?" She really guilted me.

I told her she needed to go to another counselor then. She started going and once again, didn't like what she was hearing, so she stopped attending sessions.

About a month ago, we had the baby and she informed me that she had made the decision to try and work things out. She stated that she was going to use her maternity leave as a time to get rid of him.

However, she keept doing things that make me suspicious that she's still talking to him. Every time I walk in, she's clicking something off on her computer. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, I confronted her nicely and asked her if she's still in a relationship with him, she makes statements like, "He'll never be in the home again," but not - he and I are through.

Anytime we have discussions about the marriage, I remain calm, but she gets angry and upset, which leads me to believe it wasn't really over and that she was continuing to lie to me.

Last week I asked her if she was actually in love with this guy. She informed me that he was "one in a million," (at which I laugh because he's a married man, cheating around with a prgenant woman.) She stated that she still really loved me and couldn't imagine her life without me. However, during our conversation, I accused her of giving her heart to another man and she couldn't deny it.

This frustrated me greatly as I have always been faithful to her and have never even attempted an affair. This past Thursday night, I told her I wanted a commitment from her to never see the man again. She claimed she hadn't seen him since the baby was born.

I stated that if we were going to work this out, I needed to feel like she was being honest with me and I needed her to make a commitment not to talk to this guy again. She became very upset, started screaming at me telling me that she would no longer take orders from me (at which I was floored because I never tell her what to do.) She then walked over to me, gave me a kiss and left the house. I assumed she had left me for good, but then she showed back up around 4 am claiming she had been driving around to think and had gone to Wal-mart for the past 6 hours.

She came in and stated that she felt she was doing everything she could to make the relationship work and that she wasn't ready to make a commitment not to talk to the other guy. I brought it up again yesterday but she refuses to even talk about the relationship. We have been cordial with each other since Thursday night, but there is no touching or really talking for the first time in 13 years.

I am desperate to get some good advice on my next step as my counselor thinks that I would be happier with someone else. This just doesn't feel right to me because despite all she's done, I don't hate her, I just hate the things she's done. Also, there is too much at stake, especially with three tiny children.

If anyone can guide me to some good advice I would appreciate it.

Thanks.

BCJ, I'm so sorry for your sitaution. There are people here who can give you immeasurable help. This particular section of the board is not as high traffic as others, and I hope you will copy this post onto the "General Questions II" section, where the most help for infidelity will come from.

Hello BCJ and welcome to Marriage Builders.

If you'd like, I can move your thread to the General Questions II forum.

Just let me know.

Berlin

Hi BCJ,

Yes there are some folks over on GQII who have gone through things very similar to what you are going through. There is something called "Plan A" which is specifically the very first thing you should do when your spouse is in an affair. There are very definite steps to take. It has the best chance of success or saving your marriage.

Read up on Plan A, and ask questions to work out the details. You can continue to ask the questions over here but more people will see it on the GQII board.

Yes...cut and paste your initial post over on to the Infidelity - General Questions II board.


You said the OM is/was married. Does his wife know???

Your marriage is salvagable. I saved mine. It's been 3 years since d-day and we are happily recovered in a marriage of extraordinary care.

Your wife is not likely a serial cheater. She's had one affair that never ....NEVER...ended. Exposure is a method utilized to bust up affairs. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Bust up the affair and only then can you truly determine if your marriage is savable.

From now on...you can't trust your wife at all. Watch her actions and not her words.

Mr. Wondering

It sounds as though OM lives quite nearby. I'd also consider immediately putting your home up for sale and moving as far away from OM's home as you possible can. Maybe that's just across town. Maybe you can move two or three towns over and not even have to leave your job.

You also said OM was your wife's co-worker. Do they still work together?? Does her bosses know what's up??? They can't work together so if your wife HAS to have the job why not try to get OM fired. You can't ever recover if they continue working together even if they work is separate sections and rarely see each other. No contact for life...means...NO contact for life period......


Mr. Wondering

Yes, if you can move it, I would appreciate it greatly.

Thank you

I don't know if the OM's wife knows. All I really know about him is his name and that he works with my wife.

That is good to know it's salvagable. That's really what I want more than anything.

Thanks for the words!!!!

They work together, but they don't work in a close setting like traditional office. She works from home 3 days a week for a gigantic corporation. He actually works from his home (according to her) 5 days a week, only going in for meetings. I know he's married and has a 16 year old daughter. That's about it.

They both work for different units for this company, but really started working together on a project together that both divisions were assigned to last summer. The project has ended but she keeps coming up with reasons to talk to her because he's a "wealth of knowledge" and "so well informed on different subject matters pertaining to her line of work." In fact, about 2 months ago, my company was looking for an outside company to outsource some work to. I shared this with her and, without me knowing, the two of them worked together trying to come up with solutions (I found this out later.)

I had never thought about moving before. This is a new idea. I am going to have to chew on that one. But if that's what it takes to save the marriage....

Thank you.

Your first order of business is to expose to her work and find out where the OM lives and tell his wife.

Many affairs END when they are exposed and to have ANY chance of recovery you have to end the affair.

Your wife cannot work with OM anymore.

NO CONTACT is the only way you will ever recover from this.

Agree with Big Kahuna. If you have OM's name, enter it into Zabasearch and it will most likely give you his home phone number. It will definitely give you an address for a visit or certified letter. Secrecy drives thes A's, exposure will most likely kill the A, especially when OM circles the wagons to get out of trouble with his BS. Your WW will be kicked to the curb as soon as OM's BS finds out. Don't be afraid to do it...just do it! Many A's end the day they are exposed

In case you were wondering,

THREATENING to expose OM to his wife will not work. Only ACTUAL exposure does the trick. If you THREATEN or discuss exposure with your wife before doing it you will quickly become the crazy jealous husband that no one should believe.

Find OM's wife and with a carefully planned and calm and kind disposition inform her about the truth of her life. She deserves the truth as well and may end up being your biggest ally in breaking up this affair.

Again...DO NOT discuss exposure with your wife. Forewarned is forearmed.

Exposure will infuriate her...but your marriage can survive anger whereas it can not survive an ongoing SECRET adulterous marriage.

She's a crack head ADDICTED to the adrenaline this SECRET ILLICIT relationship gives her. She needs HELP and MOTIVATION to quit cold turley. TODAY...you remain her husband. HELP HER and ignore the teenage tantrums.

Either way...taking control of your life to the extent you are able to have any influence is beneficial to YOU. YOU matter.

YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

I guess as long as the OM has a free ride in this situation he will continue to involve himself with your wife. Your wife has called your bluff and you have backed down about continued contact. The OM's wife is your best ally to keep him away from your wife, especially since your wife has no intention of stopping contact and no fear of you leaving if she keeps it up. Exposure kills affairs...in action gives them the green light.

Step One - read everything written by Harley on this site.
Step Two - resolve that you will follow his advice even when it is counter intuitive. See, it works when nothing else will.

Your marriage cannot start recovery until there is NO CONTACT between the OM and your WW (Wayward wife), period, the end.

And I really, really hate to say this, but must; check paternity on your youngest. I say this because of your posted time line on certain of her attitudes.

Welcome, and I hate that you have reason to find this site. At the same time, I should tell you that I survived my wife's infidelity and so can you. Our marriage is as strong or stronger than ever.

Larry

You really need to pay attention to this because this is probably where this is heading. The wife you once had is gone and in her place is a person that will almost never tell you the truth.

If you sit there and accept what she says as the truth then that is your choice but I won't feel sorry for you. I have been thru it and telling the truth is rare.

Expecting women don't usually go messing around with other men when they are pregnant with their husbands child. I am sure it has happened but it is rare. If you were the father I would think that she would dump him in a heartbeat so she does not lose the father of her child.

Will it make a difference if you are not the father of the child? Also what are you going to do if you are not the father of the child?

I would make sure that the other mans wife knows about this. And don't believe for one minute that she is going missing for hours and the other guy is not with her.

I will stop now. I wish you the best and hope that she regains her morals because if she does not and you allow her to she is about to put you thru heck. Good luck this is a lousy club to belong too.

BJC,

I hate to tell you this, but you are a pushover. Your WW has no consequences for continuing her affair. She'll try and give up her affair partner, but if she starts missing him, all she has to do is call him back up and the worst she can expect is that eventually her BH will find out and argue with her. Not much of a deterrent. She says she "isn't ready to stop talking to him." It's not her choice. She's a married woman, and it is your job as the man of the house to protect your family from outside threats. You need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down. What has your current strategy got you? Nothing. It's time for a new plan of attack. The new plan is consequences for her continuing her cheating behavior. Expose to her family, friends, employer, OM's wife and family - anyone in a position to pressure them to end it. Then if she does have the urge to start it back up, the consequences will be too great.

Your WW will want nothing to do with you until OM is out of the picture for good. She needs to find another job where she no longer works w/ OM. Getting one or both of them fired would be a favorable outcome.

Also, do not trust your WW at all. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy. I would have neighbors looking out for OM's vehicle at all times and track her whereabouts with GPS. She is an addict, and will only work on the marriage once she has been completely separated from the object of her addiction.

Time to expose WW job, her parents, her siblings and the OMW.

Next paternity test time.

Call the Harley's......

You won't believe how different your wife will act toward you after the affair breaks up and your relationship begins to heal. I NEVER would have thought my FWW would have been able to "find" the love for me again....but I trusted the Harley's, this board....the books, and implemented their advice....and my wife and I are not only recovered, but deeply in love, and more importantly...deeply convicted in our protection of the marriage. We are almost 2 years into recovery....please, please, follow the words here...your marriage can most certainly be saved! She is an alien right now....treat here EXACTLY as if she is....don't exacerbate things, but follow the advice here. And again....set up a phone session with the Harley's!

Godspeed,
MWIL

You won't believe how different your wife will act toward you after the affair breaks up and your relationship begins to heal. I NEVER would have thought my FWW would have been able to "find" the love for me again....but I trusted the Harley's, this board....the books, and implemented their advice....and my wife and I are not only recovered, but deeply in love, and more importantly...deeply convicted in our protection of the marriage. We are almost 2 years into recovery....please, please, follow the words here...your marriage can most certainly be saved! She is an alien right now....treat here EXACTLY as if she is....don't exacerbate things, but follow the advice here. And again....set up a phone session with the Harley's!


Question for MMIL how long after A ended did her behaviour change????

For me it was about 4 months.