Hi, I'm new here. My husband and I have been together eight years, married for five. Two kids together ages 3 and 14 months. He has three teenage daughters from first marriage that he sees on occasion. I am 34 he is almost 43.

We have a standard marriage, or at least I thought we did. We would argue but never did it get out of hand. We had little time together given we both work, we have small children, and he has his older girls. When we would spend time alone it was fun and we both enjoyed it. We have talked about the state of our marriage several times with the "it can't go on like this" theme but neither of us ever expressed a true desire to separate. We both know what the problems are in our relationship, know what to do to fix them but right now I am the only one who appears to want to do anything to make things better.

He moved out in early February much to my shock. He has an apt. just blocks away and we see each other often because of the kids. However, he has moved very few of his belongings out other than clothes and necessities. He has left his mail here after he opens it (has not changed his address), acted weird when I talked about getting gutters on the house as if that was his project, has not told his daughters or friends and it's been nearly three months, broke down in tears when I told him a few weeks ago this would not be his storage facility and he needed to remove his boats, trailer, etc. and was very agitated even though he is the one who moved out. He even left behind his daughter's senior picture that he paid nearly $200 for (it was not ready for pick up until early March so this happened after the move out) as if he didn't want to move it to his place only to move it back here.

He assures me this is not because he does not love me but just does not know what he feels. He has said many times that if he had to decide "right now" he would not want to come home. There are so many things that give the illusion he is not doing this for the long haul but he won't talk to me and I am struggling with letting go but I have to for my own sanity and for the sake of my kids. I have told him my feelings on the matter and typically when I bring this up (money, custody, the big "D") he gets emotional and asks if we can talk about this some other time.

There is a big part of me that believes he just needs his space. His oldest daughter graduates high school in three weeks and I know he will expect us to go together to keep up appearances but I am fully prepared to go separately, if at all.

Sometimes when we talk I am so angry that I can't be civil. Other times we talk and laugh and relate like nothings wrong but then I feel hurt because I can't understand why this is happening. Am I nuts for thinking these little hints should be the hope I hold on to or should I just look at it as him being lazy or cowardly?

I’m so sad to read your post. I just spent three years separated from my H trying to MAKE him see the value in our marriage. I’m sorry I failed and our divorce was final 4 months ago.

I hope I’m wrong – but your husband’s guilt/selfish behaviors sounds like he may be in fantasy land and having an affair. If that's true and when he “comes to” he will be very sad about the destruction he has caused.

Hang in there – you will be peaceful and happy again. Perhaps the best focus for you is to think about how to protect and provide for you children.

You'll get good advice from some of the regulars here (that's not me).... but weekends tend to be slow.

Hang in there - you're not alone.

Thank you for your response. I do believe my husband is not having an affair simply because of the small community we live in and because he really is a bad liar. But I am not naive enough to rule it out. If that's the case this will be over.

For what it's worth, if you tried for three years to make your husband see the value of your marriage, despite it ending anyway, how does that equate to failure? I hope you can look back and feel good and strong about the effort you put forth. there is no failure in that!

I sincerely hope that there is no affair, but all of the signs are there. When people are unhappy in their marriage, they work on it, not move out.

I would do some phone bill checking and computer checking and see if you find anything. I smell another woman somewhere in the mix.

I would caution you to think carefully about how you would proceed if indeed he is involved with another woman. Read up on plan A etc...

Some marriages are worth putting back together - even after an affair.....

I've gotta chime in with the smells like an affair.

I know some people move out because they are unhappy in the marriage. But, then, they MOVE OUT. That's what I did. For legal reasons (the house was mine), I left my furniture and stuff, but I took my clothes and the really important stuff, like photos.

I offered to work on the marriage and listed my conditions for living together again. I also was not continually seeing my H.

OOPS. I forgot.

Don't play along with keeping this quiet. That's another sign of an affair. Let's separate, but not tell anyone.

And, I'd give him a month to get his toys out of your home. Or start charging him rent. I did charge my ex rent on the basement....

I've actually told people about our separation including my family, friends, a few coworkers, and he has told his mother and sister so it's not completely hush hush. I still have it in my head that he does not want to tell others because why tell them we've separated when we could reconcile and is facing this with a "why bother to get others involved" approach. Maybe I am just being naive. I have confronted him on the affair and he sincerely denies this. Like i said earlier...he's a really bad liar.

If he is in an affair, he can be expected to deny it and to lie convincingly. This is why it is very important to find out FOR SURE. And asking him will not get you the information you need. A WS is not going to bust himself.

As far as the graduation goes, that should be about the daughter and not you. It won't kill you do attend with him and would reduce stress on her.

I can understand your husband's reluctance to come clean with his daughters. However, by not telling him, he is lying.

How has he been able to see his daughters without them figuring out that he's not living in his home any more? He is misleading and deceiving them.

Therefore, I think you need to reasses your judgement that he's a bad liar. In my experience, people are bad at some kind of lies and better at others. It's easy to lie well when you're prepared for the questions, like "Is there someone else?"

My gut says that there is something else going on. It may not be an affair. It could be drugs, or gambling or something. In general, men seem less likely to move out just because they need space. They seem to have something lined up or they wait until it's so bad they are moving out permenantly.